Intro: I think 18 y.o. daughter has BPD

[Avalonna]

Hello! I discovered this site last night and am hoping I can find some support here. My 18 y.o. daughter has been in therapy for 2 years for anxiety and depression. Highlights include withdrawals from school due to repeated panic attacks at school followed by 16 days at a RTC, then an attempted re-entry to school which only lasted a week. She dropped out, refused any further schooling, and got her GED.

Over the past year or so her behavior has gotten much worse, with frequent anger and screaming outbursts. She recently flew across the country alone to visit family, and on the way home she had a panic attack in the airport and they WOULDN'T LET HER ON THE PLANE. She made it home eventually after hours of effort by my husband and me. I was hoping this incident would be a wake-up call for her, but it wasn't; in fact, she fired her therapist a few days later. My SIL called after her visit and asked if anyone had ever mentioned BPD to us. I read up on it, and she sure fits the description. I asked D's therapist about it and she said she couldn't make that DX as a private therapist, and that BPD is usually DX'd in a hospital setting.

She is now refusing any meds or therapy, even self-help therapy like WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan). The good news is that after more than a year of doing nothing productive at all, she is holding down a full-time job in a restaurant kitchen. She likes her job, is proud of it, and has not been late or had an outburst at work, which is miraculous. She has managed to alienate most of her friends, though.

My husband and I are having a lot of difficulty coping with her anger and rage, her screaming, and her constant lack of respect and ignoring of the more basic house rules. She has learned to manipulate us very well. We walk on eggshells constantly at home. I don't know how to help her if she is unwilling and am struggling to keep our home life tolerable. Thinking about this going on for years to come is so discouraging.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

Welcome Avalonna---I am so glad that you have found us here.  My daughter is 27 and is diagnosed with BPD.  Like you, my husband and I were at our wit's end with our daughter.  She was living with us, not following rules, lying, being a huge slob around the house etc. etc.  About a year ago I found this site, and things are a million times better now.  I will tell you that the biggest thing that helped us, and then in turn helped our daughter was working on ourselves using the tools and lessons you will find on the right hand side of this website.  Once my husband and I worked on validation, and communication skills using SET, some of the confrontation stopped.  We worked together to set boundaries and consequences that we were both willing to live with.  During a period of calm, we talked to our daughter about these.  I also apologized for not being the mom she needed at times (I was a good parent, I just wasn't good at dealing with her needs as someone with BPD).  I told here that I knew I needed to work on myself, and that I would be doing that.  I knew I would make mistakes, but if she could bear with me, I hoped she would see changes.  I tell you this, because when we started to do better, she started to want to make changes.  On her own, she decided to find a new therapist and start back on meds.  She has lived successfully on her own for some time now, and we have a good relationship.  It is so much calmer for all of us with her out of our home, and I am grateful for that.  So, enough about me, how about you.  You talked about the anger your daughter is displaying towards you, but she is holding a job and that is certainly a positive.  Please tell us more of your story when you are comfortable.  I hope you find the resources, help and support from other members as helpful as I have.  Truly, we are here for you.  You are not alone.

[Avalonna]

Thank you so much for your message of hope! From the posts I've read here in the past couple of days, it seems that the dialog is mostly people sharing their difficulties and others commiserating. Reading here has been quite discouraging. So I'm very pleased to hear from someone who has seen some positive changes! I was planning on reading through all the lessons, but now I'm more motivated to do so ASAP!

My daughter grew up in a stable, "regular" family: mom, dad, big brother. Her brother (2 years older) was much easier to get along with. He and I were especially close, while D and I butted heads a lot, and she was labeled the "difficult" one. She now says that I loved him more and always took his side. The latter part is true; my son would subtly pick on her until she snapped, then since she was the one shrieking and hitting, she would get the negative attention. She says he bullied her, but it was well within the bounds of normal sibling behavior.

I think the family dynamic left her with feelings of abandonment, not being good enough, not being protected, and lots of anger.

I thought she was a normal but willful kid and teen until she came to us a couple of years ago asking for help and admitting to cutting, restricting food, and leaving the house in the middle of the night to stand on a bridge for a long time, considering whether to jump. We got her right into therapy, and she improved right away. Things were good for several months, but when school started junior year, the panic attacks started and were so bad we eventually withdrew her. She resents us for trying to keep her in school, and resents us for sending her to an RTC.

Her other problems include: lifelong super-picky eater, progressing to an eating disorder; insomnia/sleep disorder; migraines. She smokes pot every day, partly because it's the only thing that helps her sleep. She's very disorganized, to the point that she claimed to not have time for laundry or showering even when she was not working or going to school. A tiny thing like spilling her coffee will set her into a screaming fit which lasts 20 minutes - I'm actually surprised the neighbors haven't called the cops because she screams so loud. She's so pessimistic ("I've always been ___ed up and I always will be". She has no ambitions and really no interests any more. She demand a lot of us and gives nothing in return, her room is full of dirty dishes to the point where they grow mold. Even when she's in a good mood she has a hard edge on her and could turn at any moment. Everything is a drama. She mentions killing herself frequently (in an offhand way, she has always denied having a plan or being serious about it). I think a lot of behavior towards us is to punish us for perceived slights.

I have a hard time setting boundaries and sticking to consequences. At this point she is throwing our few rules in our faces, but I'm so afraid of setting her off and getting screamed at that I'm afraid to confront her about almost anything.

Wow! That was a lot of venting. Are you sorry you asked for more information?

[madmom]

Oh my gosh, there is so much of your story that I can relate too.  (I am at work, so don't have time to tell you lots right now)  But I will get back to you soon.  The very best advise I can give you is to work on yourself using the tools and lessons.  It made a world of difference also when my husband and I "got on the same page" so to speak.  We always were a great team and my daughter grew up in a very stable, supportive family. She was a different child from our other too, and although I know we were good parents, we weren't the best parents for her and the BPD.  (I didn't understand the disease she had.  I should have been more validating, used SET, etc. etc. )   But when you know better, you do better. I had a heartfelt talk with my daughter and told her that I knew I had made alot of mistakes, but that I was committed to trying to do better. That through therapy work and things I was working on through an internet site I was trying to master new communication and relationship skills. I was sorry for the things that hadn't gone well in the past and that I wanted a new and different, more healthy and successful relationship with her.  She responded very well to this. My husband and I first of all spend time talking about the boundaries we were willing to enforce and were willing to back each other up on.  During a period of calm, we talked to our daughter about these.  She got worse before she got better, I admit---and boy did she have to try the boundaries and see if we were going to cave in as usual.  But once she saw our changes, she was forced to change her behavior.  I was lucky, I didn't have too many worries that she was going to be suicidal over this.  Although, that is always in the back of my mind.  My husband and I (and I hope this doesn't sound harsh) had come to the conclusion that what ever was going to happen to/with her we would learn to live with.  We had been through so much for so long, that we needed to try something new regardless of the consequences.   I will reread your post hopefully tonight and get back with you.  Do you attend any kind of therapy?  Do you and your spouse communicate and support each other through your daughter's illness?  How about the siblings, grandparents and other extended family and friends.  Do they understand and support your in your dealings with her?  Please know you truly are not alone, and there are many reasons to hope that things will get better.  Be prepared to let go of some of your dreams for the perfect adulthood you always hoped she would have, and look at the things you would most like her to do on her own.  For me, it was for her to live on her own, hold a job, and build some type of healthy social life.  So, no she didn't graduate from college like all the rest of the family has, but she had a full time job she loves and is able to pay most of her bills (we have to help from time to time) but she stays on a budget and does the best she can.  She lives in her own apartment that she keeps very neat and tidy (she was a total slob when she lived with us at home) and she has found numerous social things she enjoys and is making really good people for friends (book club, a single group through a church she joined, a bowling league, free exercise classes where she has met other young people like her)  Do I want more, YES---I am controlling that way, but I have to step back, take a deep breath and thank God for what I didn't think was even remotely possible not so long ago.  Wow, I have talked way too much---sorry!   I am anxious to hear from you what are th two or three things you really want to focus on for you and for your child. 

[Avalonna]

Wow, madmom, you are my role model! I feel like I want to memorize what you said to your daughter and say it to mine. To answer some of your questions:

My husband and I have been in therapy together off and on for the past few months. This was intended to be family therapy but D ended up refusing. Our marriage is very solid, and even though we are not always on the same page, we are able to talk things through pretty well. Our extended families are supportive but don't live nearby. My family was very dysfunctional growing up, and we love each other but have our struggles (as every family does).

My daughter used to excel academically and is extremely smart. Academic pressure was a contributing factor in her anxiety. At this point I have accepted that college is not going to happen anytime soon - that's fine.

My wishes:

I want her relationship with me and with her dad to be more cordial. Right now we feel like adversaries most of the time, and the more basic conversation is very tense.

I want her to treat others with respect - by this I mean don't yell, act like everything you say is stupid, and blatantly ignore basic house rules. Right now she is so nasty most of the time.

I want her to keep her job that is currently going so well.

Long-term: really, all I want is for her to be stable, happy, and independent.

[Avalonna]

I just want to clarify: when I said I want her to treat others with respect, I didn't mean in a "respect your elders" kind of way. I mean mutual respect or common courtesy that anyone sharing a household should demonstrate.

I also forgot to mention one important behavior: she punches walls and sometimes herself when angry. The door and walls in her room are full of holes - but only in her room! She did break a linen closet door when she yanked it too hard in a rage, but I think that's accidental. She will sometimes come to me after and claim she thinks she broke her hand by punching something. I don't think she believes this - her hand has never been that bad - but I think she is trying to make a point by showing me. Not sure what point, though!

[madmom]

What you want sounds very reasonable.  Have you had a chance to read the tools and lessons at the right?  I found the listening with empathy one, the validation and the SET ones particularly effective with my daughter.  At first, when I started using SET etc.  I felt so false and thought, good heavens this is not the type of relationship I want to have with my daughter---but I did it any way and boy did it help.  I wonder if your daughter just wants some type of validation or empathy about her hands, and if you give that maybe she would be willing to talk with you.  I imagine something like this----

MOM, I think I broke my hand when I hit the wall

You___  HMM let me see, can you move it?

Yes but it hurts like &#@%

I bet it does, my hand would probably hurt too if I hit the wall like that.  It really scares me when I see you so angry.  I know I might not be the best expert on how to handle anger, but would you like to talk to me about how you are/were feeling? 

NO---Leave me alone

Ok, but just know I am here for you if you need me.   Or if she says

YES, I scare myself sometimes too, this could be a chance to validate those feelings and maybe even move the conversation into something like---what if we went to family therapy together to try to figure out a better way for both of us to deal with this? 

I don't know if I am imagining correctly, but ---think about it.  I know my daughter is kind an attention seeker, (always something, headache, cold, sore toe, and with her I always said the a hang nail or a broken arm would require the same amount of drama from her)  Once I started listening to the complaints, validated that she probably didn't feel well, maybe even offered two solutions that were ok with me such as,  would you like to go to the doctor, or do you want to wait it out a little bit and see how it feels after you take some tylenol? )  She stops and we can move on to something else.  You are welcome to use my words to talk with your daughter about the new direction you are taking with YOU.  Truly, when I told my daughter that I knew I could have done better as a mom to her.  That I was sorry for any pain I caused.  That I was going to be working on MYSELF to try to do and be better for her.  That if she saw me acting differently it was because I was trying to be better and would be trying things.  That I was sure I would make a lot of mistakes in my attempts, but if she could be patient with me and communicate  calmly with me when she saw my efforts that I thought I could be a better mom for her that she  and I really started to do better.  As I communicated better and used tools, it was funny, she would often model them back to me.  I don't know if any of this will help, but I hope so.  Keep posting, I am very interested in how this all progresses for you.

[Avalonna]

Thank you for your advice and encouragement. I went through the tools on the right sidebar and wrote most of them down in my journal. I've ordered a BPD book from Amazon. My D has been pleasant for three whole days now! Saturday she asked me to take her to the supermarket; we had a perfectly nice encounter the whole time. I had several other interactions with her over the past three days. No anger, no attitude, no nothing! A bit of tension, but everything was calm. This was before practicing any tools, so I can't pat myself on the back here. I'm a little mystified, but I'll take it!

The only thing I can think of is that she started taking her vitamins again. She had come off them to do a test for pyroluria, a genetic condition which leads to severe deficiency of zinc and vitamin B6, which are critical for proper neurotransmitter function. Today she starts gradually bumping up her zinc and B6 dosages. This theory seems a stretch though, since until last week she was taking the vitamins.

[mamamonkey5]

I am new here Avalonna, but reading your post a lot you say about your daughter reminds me of mine. I am glad to have been able to read the advice you are getting and I am going to check out the lessons and tools. One thing I struggle with, in terms of the empathy is that it's just so hard to feel empathetic or want to put the effort forth for some one that has been so hateful and awful to me. I know I have to be the bigger person and be the adult, and now that it seems maybe she has an actual disorder and is not willfully this nasty, it will help me find the compassion I need for her. But it's hard, she has been so hurtful.

[mamamonkey5]

Also, I have read parenting with love and logic, and they emphasize using empathy and responding with empathy to validate whatever their current plight is, and I find that my daughter doesn't buy it. It's not because I am not genuine (though I know I expressed I have trouble with that, I don't even try it though if it's not real). I think she doesn't believe my empathy because of the whole black and white thing. She sees me as a horrible person who has ruined her life, she believes she hates me, so me responding with empathy does not match her image of me, so she doesn't believe it.

[Avalonna]

Hi mamamonkey5, I read your post about your daughter. I know exactly what you mean about finding it difficult to feel empathy for someone who is so mean and nasty. My daughter makes it very hard to love her, but I still love her with all my heart. Her behavior sometimes makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed. But, she is not always hateful. She also doesn't have the back-and-forth that seems frequent in pwBPD (one minute she thinks you're wonderful & the next you are horrible) - her treatment of me seems totally dependent on her mood.

Today she is just as pleasant as she's been every day since Saturday. She seems calm and relaxed. I haven't seen her in a steady good mood for this long in... .years, maybe?

I think madmom' advice in this thread has been spot on. I would read through the tools and pick what seems genuine to you. It might take many repetitions before your daughter comes around. Have you looked into NAMI support groups near you?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

Avalonna---is your week still going ok?  I have been thinking about you and hoping that you are still seeing some improvements