Could be opening unresolved wounds. I think I might fee like that myself.
Do you have a tough time reconciling how she is acting now with how she acted before, regardless of what you are doing? All in all, whatever you are doing now sounds like it's working.
You might on to something there, Turkish. I think I may indeed be having a hard time reconciling how she is acting now, in comparison to how it was when the honeymoon ended and the relationship began to collapse. It might also be centered around fear and uncertainty. I think that I am torn between believing that BPD will ruin the friendship and knowing that now I am prepared to handle whatever comes my way. Maybe I am not believing in myself because I haven't really encountered an unfavorable situation with her so far. But if there are no problems, what's the problem?
I've been only validating to her, when I can be. I read some old chat logs between us to try and figure out when the trauma bond was formed, and in them I really saw how invalidating I was, even
before the end of the honeymoon. That was a two way street of course, but it amazed me how much better I am at understanding and validating people's thoughts and feelings than I used to be before. Big thumbs up to the family here on that. I've grown a lot.
I did some reading on both DBT and ACT therapies today. I think they might be incredibly useful for me. I found a T at at the university that I'll be at this coming academic year with experience in EDMR, ACT, and DBT. And the kicker is... .it's all free. I think that I was spending a lot more time trying to 'accept' my own feelings when I really wasn't even acknowledging them. Acceptance was a mask that I could project my feelings on, but they were still going unresolved. I was internalizing them instead of letting them go and replacing them with positive thoughts.
Can you identify the triggers to your anxiety?
Can you “hear” your self talk around these incidents or when in this state?
Sometimes I have felt this way as well. For me what has happened, I would cry when uN/BPDex would become so considerate and connect well with me. I felt the pain flood me for all the hurt I suppressed for the times he was dismissive/rude/invalidating. It felt like he was getting in touch with the “vulnerable me” by behaving so wonderfully attentive, that the vulnerable me would surface…and with it…all of the pains and scars from that me. Maybe what I’m describing is sort of an emotional flashback, but triggered by the meeting of my emotional need vs the opposite? My belief, is that this “opening” of my vulnerable self can either be the beginning of more healing or more pain, depending on what occurs with me after it.
Hey Sunflower, I can't really identify the triggers. That's the problem.
Yes, I think that I am talking myself around things instead of acknowledging them for what they are. I think that the things that I've learned here have given me a good understanding of the disorder and what I am feeling, but I am still rationalizing things at times. When I rationalize more than be mindful of and identify, I slide into a really bad state of anxiety that won't seem to go away.
I'm going to work on some basic mindfulness skills. I don't think that I've been taking my feelings seriously enough, simply because everything that we learn about mindfulness labels them as 'only' feelings. This makes it easy for me to say, 'hey, it's just a feeling', but that is a false rationalization in itself, at least in the way that I think I am applying it. I use it to move on from a feeling instead of just letting it be.
I think you have an awesome point when you describe the vulnerable you. I don't want to be vulnerable around my ex because I am afraid that it will trigger her. Maybe that insight will allow me to be her real friend (and for her to be mine), instead of this strange, somewhat formal and 'pleasant' friendship that we have going on now. I know what I am signing myself up for, so maybe I need to start actually showing up to practice, eh?
