What they say about their exes

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've read a lot of posts where pwBPD often have horrible stories about their previous relationships/breakups/exes.

I'm replaying in my head some of the things my exBPDbf told me on that matter and I guess I'm just not sure how to interpret them - is it just him re-writing history to play victim? to avoid facing that he has been sabotaging his past r/s? Or is it just plain projection?

He never told me much about his exes or r/s, but here's a few things he said about some of his breakups:

- He was getting married to the mother of his first son - the date was set, everything was booked, deposits paid, and she called it off a few weeks before the set date.

- Another of his exes he caught cheating on him.

- Another one had been playing the victim, was just out of an abusive relationship and had just been using him to make herself feel better and rebound.

- His most recent ex (that he told me of, but I learned after our b/u there had been at least one more before we met, that he never mentioned to me) - she was an alcoholic and one night while she was drunk she ended up kicking him and threatening him with a knife. Post b/u, I saw on FB that he had liked something on her page while we were still together.

I am tempted to read all this in reverse, meaning he was the one calling off the wedding, cheating, using women to make himself feel better/rebound, and being the one who ended up being drunk and physically abusive? He was what I would call a 'controlled' alcoholic - could go weeks without drinking, but when he drank, couldn't stop until he passed out.

Is it an overly simplistic way of interpreting things he said?

There was never any physical abuse or violence towards me. The last stretch of our r/s was a mix of gaslighting, constant push/pull, alternating idealization/devaluation, boredom and irritability and what I perceived as him sabotaging any good moments we shared by initiating fights about random and minor stuff or just blowing minor disagreements so out of proportion that he was always questioning our Relationship.

So maybe I'm just trying to further validate my decision to end the rRelationship, telling myself that the physical abuse was just waiting to happen.

I feel like I'm going all over the place... .I'm having one of these days where I miss him, I feel lonely and I replay stuff in my head trying to make sense of what happened, what could have happened, trying to untangle the truth from the lies. 

[Yolanda123]

I've read a lot of posts where pwBPD often have horrible stories about their previous relationships/breakups/exes.

I'm replaying in my head some of the things my exBPDbf told me on that matter and I guess I'm just not sure how to interpret them - is it just him re-writing history to play victim? to avoid facing that he has been sabotaging his past r/s? Or is it just plain projection?

He never told me much about his exes or r/s, but here's a few things he said about some of his breakups:

- He was getting married to the mother of his first son - the date was set, everything was booked, deposits paid, and she called it off a few weeks before the set date.

- Another of his exes he caught cheating on him.

- Another one had been playing the victim, was just out of an abusive relationship and had just been using him to make herself feel better and rebound.

- His most recent ex (that he told me of, but I learned after our b/u there had been at least one more before we met, that he never mentioned to me) - she was an alcoholic and one night while she was drunk she ended up kicking him and threatening him with a knife. Post b/u, I saw on FB that he had liked something on her page while we were still together.

I am tempted to read all this in reverse, meaning he was the one calling off the wedding, cheating, using women to make himself feel better/rebound, and being the one who ended up being drunk and physically abusive? He was what I would call a 'controlled' alcoholic - could go weeks without drinking, but when he drank, couldn't stop until he passed out.

Is it an overly simplistic way of interpreting things he said?

There was never any physical abuse or violence towards me. The last stretch of our r/s was a mix of gaslighting, constant push/pull, alternating idealization/devaluation, boredom and irritability and what I perceived as him sabotaging any good moments we shared by initiating fights about random and minor stuff or just blowing minor disagreements so out of proportion that he was always questioning our Relationship.

So maybe I'm just trying to further validate my decision to end the rRelationship, telling myself that the physical abuse was just waiting to happen.

I feel like I'm going all over the place... .I'm having one of these days where I miss him, I feel lonely and I replay stuff in my head trying to make sense of what happened, what could have happened, trying to untangle the truth from the lies. 

[rotiroti]

I like to give the benefit of the doubt to people once or twice. But when the person in question is always the victim? They're probably the one causing the problem, BPD or not

[GreenGrover]

My exbffBPD always made herself out to be the victim.  But I know for sure that she lied about her most recent ex, so I'm inclined to believe that she lied about the other ones, too.

One guy supposedly got angry and threw something that he had given to her as a gift.  To me, that sounds like she got angry, picked up something that he gave her, and threw it at him.

[crawler]

My partner was only saying the worst about her exes. One apparently raped her, one was just the worst person alive, the other was mentally ill, etc. After the break up I heard that she started talking behind my back to my replacement that I was a bad partner and that she barely has any nice memories of me/us. I heard some "reasons" why I was bad and some are just blatant lies, while others are blown out of proportion. I know I'm not perfect, but I wasn't a monster.

[FannyB]

Like most of us, pwBPD will have had some good partners and some bad - just possibly in greater numbers!   My ex didn't paint all of her exes as monsters - some of the others were nice guys who simply 'disappointed' her. Of the 'bad' ones, I initially thought that their behaviour was abhorrent, but as our relationship progressed concluded that prolonged exposure to my ex could have triggered the bad behaviour on their behalf.  My ex never opined that she did anything to cause the breakdown of a relationship.

[HappyNihilist]

Like most of us, pwBPD will have had some good partners and some bad - just possibly in greater numbers!   My ex didn't paint all of her exes as monsters - some of the others were nice guys who simply 'disappointed' her

This is a very good point.

My exbf didn't paint all of his exes as monsters - actually, there was only one ex towards whom he still expressed negative feelings. Mostly his exes were women who had 'disappointed' him in some way - like your ex, FannyB.

But when the person in question is always the victim? They're probably the one causing the problem, BPD or not

This is true.

So maybe I'm just trying to further validate my decision to end the rRelationship, telling myself that the physical abuse was just waiting to happen.

If you felt that the relationship was unhealthy and/or unfulfilling for you, then that's all the reason you need to have ended it.

It sounds like you're struggling right now with doubting your decision. That's completely understandable, especially when you're having a rough day. Go easy on yourself, let yourself be ok with ending something that wasn't in your best interest.

I feel like I'm going all over the place... .I'm having one of these days where I miss him, I feel lonely and I replay stuff in my head trying to make sense of what happened, what could have happened, trying to untangle the truth from the lies.  

 Oh, I know how hard those days are... .I completely understand.

Maybe you should do something nice for yourself, just to take your mind off your ex for a little bit and stop the ruminations? You could go get a pedi, or read some gossip magazines, or take a bubble bath, or go for a walk, or go to a movie, or talk to a friend - something like that.

Doing nice things for myself really helped me when I was having one of those lonely, hard days when I missed my exBPDbf bad.

Take care of yourself. 

[Darsha500]

This is a really interesting thread.

I too was considering the things my ex told me about her past relationships and boyfriends. The way she painted the picture for me, my initial thought was, "Wow, poor thing, she has really dated some horrible men." - (Good thing she found me  )

For example, She told me about how she got a restraining order placed on her at one point by her ex husband, about how she got engaged to a man because he wouldn't let her leave his house while they were dating - marrying him was her solution, because then she could leave more freely. Then all sorts of other tales of dysfunction and infidelity.

I was sure I was going to be the exception.  Oh my goodness how naive I was. Thats not to say that these guys didn't play their parts in the dysfunction. I know I certainly did. But it does make me realize that the she was likely a enormous contributor to the demise of those relationships.

[zundertowz]

Yeah my ex was abused by everyone... .I am now a child abuser and wife abuser... .so I guess I joined the list... .it's the main reason why I have no compassion for her and why some people on these boards need to realize why it's so hard to forgive or have compassion.

[Pretty Woman]

All I heard was horrible things. The one before me was a sex addict whom she had a restraining order against. Mind you, this ex was a prison psychologist... .

Eight months in I find out this woman had sold her house and was moving here when I got together with my ex. I had no idea.

Luckily I had the opportunity to apologize to this woman. She said it wasn't important but did thank me.

[FannyB]

Yeah my ex was abused by everyone... .I am now a child abuser and wife abuser... .so I guess I joined the list... .it's the main reason why I have no compassion for her and why some people on these boards need to realize why it's so hard to forgive or have compassion.

You're right mate. BPD is on a continuum so our exes differ greatly. On the hurricane classification scale, mine was a '1' and yours was more like a '5'!   It's hard to be forgiving when you've suffered like you have.

Fanny

[Darsha500]

Yeah my ex was abused by everyone... .I am now a child abuser and wife abuser... .so I guess I joined the list... .it's the main reason why I have no compassion for her and why some people on these boards need to realize why it's so hard to forgive or have compassion.

Zundertowz,

Just wanted to say that I think i do realize why it's so hard to forgive and have compassion for our ex BPD partners. One thing i realize while I read these boards is that I got off easy compared to so many on these boards. I did not have to endure nearly as much torment and abuse as so many others here. I think that fact enables me to more readily forgive. However, if I were in someone else's shoes, Some one who endured years and years of abuse, I'm sure my perspective would be allot different. its entirely likely that I would struggle deeply with feeling any semblance of compassion.

[HappyNihilist]

Yeah my ex was abused by everyone... .I am now a child abuser and wife abuser... .so I guess I joined the list... .it's the main reason why I have no compassion for her and why some people on these boards need to realize why it's so hard to forgive or have compassion.

zundertowz, I'm sorry you're having to deal with being called an 'abuser' by your ex. I know there are a lot of people here who can relate, unfortunately. Has she been accusing you to anyone - i.e., is she trying to make legal trouble for you and/or ruin your reputation with friends? How have you been handling it?

You think that some people here don't realize that it's often difficult and painful to find forgiveness and compassion. It's perfectly natural to struggle to forgive after being so hurt. Has there been anything in particular that you feel has been dismissive of your struggle?

We're here to support each other - if you feel like you can't be heard, what can we do to listen more effectively?

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex claimed his ex was a diagnosed sociopath, cheater, pathological liar, wanted to make him her sex slave, and ultimately kill him.  She was married to someone else while he was seeing her.  He used all the personality disorder terminology.  He said that he was her emotional supply and that she discarded him when he would no longer comply.

Now he claims that I am stalking him and I was emotionally abusive.

It does make one wonder if he is talking about himself most of the time.

[zundertowz]

Yeah my ex was abused by everyone... .I am now a child abuser and wife abuser... .so I guess I joined the list... .it's the main reason why I have no compassion for her and why some people on these boards need to realize why it's so hard to forgive or have compassion.

zundertowz, I'm sorry you're having to deal with being called an 'abuser' by your ex. I know there are a lot of people here who can relate, unfortunately. Has she been accusing you to anyone - i.e., is she trying to make legal trouble for you and/or ruin your reputation with friends? How have you been handling it?

You think that some people here don't realize that it's often difficult and painful to find forgiveness and compassion. It's perfectly natural to struggle to forgive after being so hurt. Has there been anything in particular that you feel has been dismissive of your struggle?

We're here to support each other - if you feel like you can't be heard, what can we do to listen more effectively?

Yes she has smeared my name to her kids, her family, my family and friends... .this continues 5 months after the break up.  Luckily I got out of there before she had an opportunity to get the police involved but she threatened it and it was definitely coming... .that's not even getting into the verbal,psychical abuse, and everything else that comes with BPD.  I found this site while in the relationship and it helped keep me sane and leave... .I think FannyB hit the nail on the head with his comments... .I just think when people preach forgiveness and compassion they need to keep in mind some of us feel like we have been raped.

[JohnnyShoes]

 Didn't take my exBPDgf long to give me the run down of her history in being abused.

Raped by her brother (who is now dead... .I never asked any questions)

Her marrying  a man only because he raped her, had two children with him (I met her 30 year old daughter whom talks with expletives like running water... .and who tells her mother fu, stupid ass etc)

She had told me her husband placed a shot gun in her mouth and threatened to pull the trigger... .while she coaxed him to... .Go Ahead.

Another one cheated on her.

That's all I know of... and of me,she will say... (as she already expressed)

That I am an Actor... .I was acting and fooled her.

Funny thing, she has told me on more than one occasion that she is Acting when she's at work. She has to act a certain way and wear a smile... she kids her customers and says... ."I'm here performing tomorrow night as well... 8 to 10"

Whatever. Its all projection.

Her telling me of the abuse and how she spoke of me as her Knight in shining armor was a warning sign... .

But yours truly was so desperate for interaction and to have a gf... .that although I SAW these signs, I thought to myself... .

Hmm... .can I deal with that? Yeah... .

Hmm ... what about That one?... .

I was looking at all the red flags ( bad stuff) and choosing whether or not I could 'tolerate' such stuff.

I also thought, perhaps she's just had a rough time and Who Am I To Judge Her!

I still feel sorry for her... .but THATS the sh*t  that had me returning to her... .thinking I can *help*... .or Rescue.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My exBPD also claimed that he once spent 9 hours on the phone talking his ex-gf out of committing suicide.  (Whatever else she was or wasn't, it sounds like she may have been BPD, too.)

It makes me wonder if that's the truth, or if perhaps he has suicidal thoughts/tendencies he has not disclosed to me.

If he is suicidal, I fear for what the loss of our relationship will do to him.

[zundertowz]

My exBPD also claimed that he once spent 9 hours on the phone talking his ex-gf out of committing suicide.  (Whatever else she was or wasn't, it sounds like she may have been BPD, too.)

It makes me wonder if that's the truth, or if perhaps he has suicidal thoughts/tendencies he has not disclosed to me.

If he is suicidal, I fear for what the loss of our relationship will do to him.

Since my ex accuses me of doing everything she did to me I wonder if all her claims towards other people was projection also... .I'll never figure this disorder out.

[GreenEyedMonster]

So if my exBPD is worried that I am obsessed with him and will stalk him . . . is he actually obsessed with me?  This one makes me go *hmmm*.  His recent actions show that this is his current preoccupation.

I work in a profession that has given me great skills with things like social media.  My exBPD must know on some level that he can't outsmart me.  The only real reason he hasn't heard from me is that I've gone NC.  There are about five ways I could contact him that he hasn't plugged up.  I looked only to amuse myself, because I sure as heck am not going to use them.

[zundertowz]

So if my exBPD is worried that I am obsessed with him and will stalk him . . . is he actually obsessed with me?  This one makes me go *hmmm*.  His recent actions show that this is his current preoccupation.

I work in a profession that has given me great skills with things like social media.  My exBPD must know on some level that he can't outsmart me.  The only real reason he hasn't heard from me is that I've gone NC.  There are about five ways I could contact him that he hasn't plugged up.  I looked only to amuse myself, because I sure as heck am not going to use them.

My ex would txt me a 100 times and when she would get mad said stop harassing me or ill call the police... .meanwhile I may have responded 10 times.  So who was harassing who?

[HappyNihilist]

zundertowz, that's terrible to have to deal with being slandered to friends and family like that.

It's understandable that you may not feel inclined towards forgiveness and compassion in the face of that, along with the abuse you experienced during the relationship.

These things take time.

I just think when people preach forgiveness and compassion they need to keep in mind some of us feel like we have been raped.

I'm sorry you feel like that.  

Do you think it's possible that the people who preach forgiveness and compassion once also felt like they had been raped?

Forgiveness and compassion towards others will be more genuine once we have forgiveness and compassion for ourselves. Maybe it would help to focus less on forgiving your ex and more on being compassionate towards yourself?

[GreenEyedMonster]

Wow, this thread is giving me some interesting insights.  What if this isn't projection so much as enmeshment, or a combination of the two?  As in, what if the pwBPD simply can't remember or can't tell which partner was actually completing the actions, because their identity is so wrapped up in ours or their ex's?

For example, in the bedroom, my exBPD generally got twice as much attention as I did.  But maybe this never occurred to him because his experience of pleasure and my experience of pleasure were all the same to him, as if we were one person.

Logically, then, if I have feelings of anger toward the pwBPD, that could register as self-hatred, or hatred of me.  It might all be fluid for them.

[Yolanda123]

Like most of us, pwBPD will have had some good partners and some bad - just possibly in greater numbers!   My ex didn't paint all of her exes as monsters - some of the others were nice guys who simply 'disappointed' her

This is a very good point.

My exbf didn't paint all of his exes as monsters - actually, there was only one ex towards whom he still expressed negative feelings. Mostly his exes were women who had 'disappointed' him in some way - like your ex, FannyB.

But when the person in question is always the victim? They're probably the one causing the problem, BPD or not

This is true.

So maybe I'm just trying to further validate my decision to end the rRelationship, telling myself that the physical abuse was just waiting to happen.

If you felt that the relationship was unhealthy and/or unfulfilling for you, then that's all the reason you need to have ended it.

It sounds like you're struggling right now with doubting your decision. That's completely understandable, especially when you're having a rough day. Go easy on yourself, let yourself be ok with ending something that wasn't in your best interest.

I feel like I'm going all over the place... .I'm having one of these days where I miss him, I feel lonely and I replay stuff in my head trying to make sense of what happened, what could have happened, trying to untangle the truth from the lies. 

 Oh, I know how hard those days are... .I completely understand.

Maybe you should do something nice for yourself, just to take your mind off your ex for a little bit and stop the ruminations? You could go get a pedi, or read some gossip magazines, or take a bubble bath, or go for a walk, or go to a movie, or talk to a friend - something like that.

Doing nice things for myself really helped me when I was having one of those lonely, hard days when I missed my exBPDbf bad.

Take care of yourself. 

Thank you for your kind reply HappyNihilist -  I love your posts, they're always very insightful and helpful 

[Yolanda123]

My exBPD also claimed that he once spent 9 hours on the phone talking his ex-gf out of committing suicide.  (Whatever else she was or wasn't, it sounds like she may have been BPD, too.)

It makes me wonder if that's the truth, or if perhaps he has suicidal thoughts/tendencies he has not disclosed to me.

If he is suicidal, I fear for what the loss of our relationship will do to him.

Since my ex accuses me of doing everything she did to me I wonder if all her claims towards other people was projection also... .I'll never figure this disorder out.

I believe too that there's a lot of projection in what they say. It can be very telling of what they are doing/really thinking.

[Yolanda123]

This is a really interesting thread.

I too was considering the things my ex told me about her past relationships and boyfriends. The way she painted the picture for me, my initial thought was, "Wow, poor thing, she has really dated some horrible men." - (Good thing she found me  )

For example, She told me about how she got a restraining order placed on her at one point by her ex husband, about how she got engaged to a man because he wouldn't let her leave his house while they were dating - marrying him was her solution, because then she could leave more freely. Then all sorts of other tales of dysfunction and infidelity.

I was sure I was going to be the exception.  Oh my goodness how naive I was. Thats not to say that these guys didn't play their parts in the dysfunction. I know I certainly did. But it does make me realize that the she was likely a enormous contributor to the demise of those relationships.

Thank you Darsha500. I'm still amazed at how similar the stories are on this board. I too felt sorry for my ex, I thought he'd been very unlucky with his previous partners. I saw him as this sweet, good-hearted man who'd been taken advantage of, and I thought we were so lucky to have met each other... .

The good thing is that we're Learning from this. Next time we hear of such tales we will recognize the   

[Yolanda123]

I like to give the benefit of the doubt to people once or twice. But when the person in question is always the victim? They're probably the one causing the problem, BPD or not

So true   

[Gonzalo]

My ex- didn't talk really badly about any of her exes but one, who she said was extremely abusive and messed up in other ways and I believe that one. If all of them were supposedly terrible people I might have thought more about her history, but they sounded like reasonable incompatibility. She would connect, they would get along for a while, then drift apart for unknown reasons on a roughly 1-2 year timeframe after moving in. At the time it seemed like a fairly normal serial dating pattern, but now I'm pretty sure what happened is more of move in - crazy kicks into gear - person puts up with it as long as they can, then splits. I don't know if the wistful wondering about what went on is really how she views them through time and her filters, or if she just discovered that it's much less off-putting to other people to present the relationships that way.

It's interesting to look back on the stories with hindsight, though. Supposedly she sued a former partner for owing her money, they went to court as part of a nasty split, and years later they reconciled enough to talk to each other. After seeing how she handles money (I know it's a shock to people here, but 'badly', I wonder if the suing actually went the other way. She also said that her last boyfriend cheated on her, going behind her back to fool around with another woman - they were in an open relationship with a 'tell me what you're doing with other people' rule, but he claimed he wasn't involved with the other woman. I wonder now if maybe he just got tired of being shouted at and shut down communication rather than actively keeping a secret - or even if she was the one cheating and did the BPD-flip on what happened (she did something eerily similar to what he did towards the end of our relationship).

I've found that there's a lot of other stuff to question, too. There was a whole big blow up where her roommate was trying to move a crazy woman and her stoner friends into the apartment. There were a lot of arguments, and then in the end it turned out the woman was more stable than he had presented and actually never had any interest in moving in. Now, there certainly was enough crazy to go around (the roommate had clear issues and the woman was open about hers), and at the time it made sense, but now I wonder how much of a role she actually played, and how much of what she told me matches reality. I especially wonder if the part where he supposedly talked to his parents and they took her side happened that way at all, since it parallels her claiming that our therapist said I was the only one with a problem.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Mine told me I should get psychiatric help or my future relationships were unlikely to work out.

My guess is that, if he is fortunate enough to find a replacement, that's what they'll hear about me.

[Gonzalo]

Mine told me I should get psychiatric help or my future relationships were unlikely to work out.

Mine was similar - when I pushed for therapy for us, she decided it was just for my issues, and after we split told people that the therapist said all of the problems were mine. When we were together, she said that I had blatantly unrealistic standards for what I wanted in a partner, and would tell me that if I split with her, I would just have the same problems with the next person I got close to. Oddly, she never could tell me exactly what standards of mine were unrealistic, and indeed what my standards even were.