Should I ask my ex if she'll speak to me?

[soar]

Ow, I'm in agony right now.

3 years ago my ex cut me off. Apart from some desperate attempts (emails/letters) to get a second chance/closure following the break up. I literally have not spoken to or seen her since.

Should I ask her if she'll speak to me? She unblocked me on facebook a couple of months ago... .

[soar]

also worth mentioning that i learnt about BPD a couple of months ago... .

[Sadly]

Why? You rarely get closure from a pwBPD, or so I read here. Why? after 3 years, I'm struggling with 3 days. I would give anything to be 3 months down the road and 3 years would be heaven. Sorry, if this sounds rude. Please think carefully before you open yourself to all the pain and hurt and rejection again. strength and luck to you which ever path you take.

[Pretty Woman]

You will be in more agony of you do it and are rebuffed.

Live a happy and good life. That is the best way to get past this.  I know it's hard believe me, but why torture yourself by reaching out?

[soar]

Why? You rarely get closure from a pwBPD, or so I read here. Why? after 3 years, I'm struggling with 3 days. I would give anything to be 3 months down the road and 3 years would be heaven. Sorry, if this sounds rude. Please think carefully before you open yourself to all the pain and hurt and rejection again. strength and luck to you which ever path you take.

I went 2.5 years without knowing about BPD that's why

[soar]

You will be in more agony of you do it and are rebuffed.

Live a happy and good life. That is the best way to get past this.  I know it's hard believe me, but why torture yourself by reaching out?

Not reaching out is torturing me. I just don't see any other way. Over the past 3 years, I just keep coming around to this idea. And I find it hard to believe that pattern won't continue... .

[HappyNihilist]

soar, I'm sorry you're having a rough time.   

You have a desire to speak to your ex, but you're also unsure if that's the right decision.

It's understandable to want closure, or a second chance. I won't discourage or encourage you to contact her - that is entirely your choice. But I would recommend that you not reach out impulsively. Take a little time to figure out clearly what your expectations and motivations are.

Your ex's birthday was yesterday, wasn't it? That can be a triggering event. I know I have a hard time around my ex's birthday.

Has this maybe caused the sudden agonizing urge to reach out to her?

What are your fears about reaching out?

Some time and careful thought will be helpful no matter what choice you make. If you do decide to contact her, it will help you and the situation greatly if you're centered and clear.

[Sadly]

I do understand honestly. Read as much as you possibly can across all the boards to learn more about BPD, then decide. Personally I would rather be tortured by not having realised what it was all about than tortured by a pwBPD cos thats what they do and you cannot help them, or rather you can lose yourself whilst trying to help them. Read, read, read and then see how you feel. Sorry if I sound negative but this is how it has left me and I am trying with the help of some great people on this web site to find myself and get mended. I am broken but they are making me believe I can be mended. Please don't get broken. Best.  

[Loosestrife]

The BPD knowledge is helpful to your understanding but it  doesn't change the fact that she left you and has moved on. I would try to hold off contacting her until you are in a new r/s and truly moved on too. I hope I don't still want to contact my ex in 3 years time. You must be going through hell. I'm sorry my friend 

[soar]

The BPD knowledge is helpful to your understanding but it  doesn't change the fact that she left you and has moved on. I would try to hold off contacting her until you are in a new r/s and truly moved on too. I hope I don't still want to contact my ex in 3 years time. You must be going through hell. I'm sorry my friend 

This is the thing though - I'm worried that I can't move on until I've contacted my ex. I don't know why, it's just the way the cut off has affected me... .

Yeah I am in hell.

[apollotech]

This is the thing though - I'm worried that I can't move on until I've contacted my ex. I don't know why, it's the way the cut off has affected me... .

Yeah I am in hell.

soar,

I understand your desire to reach out. She left a big "?" in you about what happened, what went wrong, why. I get that. My question is what do you expect to get from the reaching out, if she replies, which is another if? What would you do if she doesn't reply or blocks you again? I think you need to be very clear on what you're expecting and how you will handle it if you don't get what you expect. In other words, for reaching out to be safe for you, you are going to have to be in control of yourself, this includes emotional control. If you're not in that position, she has the power to put you through more turmoil.

[patientandclear]

Soar--I think this is probably a good time to revisit that No Contact is a tool, not a rule.  It's a tool for detachment.  Sometimes it doesn't work that way though.  In my case and that of some others here, contact actually has assisted with detachment.  I lost a lot of my misconceptions about my ex partner through prolonged exposure after the end of our love affair.  That path certainly hasn't been without its own pitfalls and pain, but I am a lot more reality-based now in my feelings about him, and wasn't really making progress moving forward after 10 months of NC.  So I really relate to your stance here.  I'm glad I reconnected with him.  But I will say it brought with it a whole suite of new opportunities for confusion and hurt.

I think being less scared of her, and the whole topic -- giving up a sense that it's a life or death question how or whether she responds and how she feels and acts -- is the most important thing to try to achieve.  It just can't be the end of the world one way or another.  If you can achieve that, it won't matter nearly as much whether you make contact or not.

[Eye438]

The BPD knowledge is helpful to your understanding but it  doesn't change the fact that she left you and has moved on. I would try to hold off contacting her until you are in a new r/s and truly moved on too. I hope I don't still want to contact my ex in 3 years time. You must be going through hell. I'm sorry my friend 

This is a pattern for BPD you will never have closure it will happen again and again, no matter how you try, take care of you. Be well. 

This is the thing though - I'm worried that I can't move on until I've contacted my ex. I don't know why, it's just the way the cut off has affected me... .

Yeah I am in hell.

[Beach_Babe]

What would you do if she doesn't reply or blocks you again? I think you need to be very clear on what you're expecting and how you will handle it if you don't get what you expect. In other words, for reaching out to be safe for you, you are going to have to be in control of yourself, this includes emotional control. If you're not in that position, she has the power to put you through more turmoil.

I agree wholeheartedly. As long as you can handle a no or negative response I don't see the issue. But that's just it, you need to do this for YOU not her. Are you having trouble figuring out what to say?

[rotiroti]

The BPD knowledge is helpful to your understanding but it  doesn't change the fact that she left you and has moved on. I would try to hold off contacting her until you are in a new r/s and truly moved on too. I hope I don't still want to contact my ex in 3 years time. You must be going through hell. I'm sorry my friend 

This is the thing though - I'm worried that I can't move on until I've contacted my ex. I don't know why, it's just the way the cut off has affected me... .

Yeah I am in hell.

What if you were to be cutoff again?

Or are you thinking that perhaps knowing she hasn't changed will give you some sort of peace?

I think learning about BPD can be powerful - it'll give you the insight that they can not be rescued nor are their actions logical or meant to hurt people. Three years is a long time to carry any kind of hurt, best of luck soar

[soar]

The BPD knowledge is helpful to your understanding but it  doesn't change the fact that she left you and has moved on. I would try to hold off contacting her until you are in a new r/s and truly moved on too. I hope I don't still want to contact my ex in 3 years time. You must be going through hell. I'm sorry my friend 

This is the thing though - I'm worried that I can't move on until I've contacted my ex. I don't know why, it's just the way the cut off has affected me... .

Yeah I am in hell.

What if you were to be cutoff again?

Or are you thinking that perhaps knowing she hasn't changed will give you some sort of peace?

I think learning about BPD can be powerful - it'll give you the insight that they can not be rescued nor are their actions logical or meant to hurt people. Three years is a long time to carry any kind of hurt, best of luck soar

I honestly don't know atm... I'm so mixed up. I think I just wanted to mean something.

I have learnt a hell of a lot about BPD. I'm interested to hear why you say their actions aren't meant to hurt people?

[rotiroti]

I should rephrase what I said to:

Their actions do hurt and confuse, but they should not be taken personally.

The extreme emotions, constant fear of abandonment/engulfment, splitting, feelings=facts, etc all lead to a barrage of impulsive decisions and actions. Sure there are exceptions, but pwBPD do not embark on a relationship with the goal of causing pain in mind. The attachment could have been to ANYONE.


Following is a quote by Fromheel2heal that delves more into the topic:

There are folks around here who know the clinical side better than I, but BPD is a shame-based disorder, an internalized critical parent, the result of ineffective mirroring in a borderline's youth.  That's not specific to borderlines by any means, most of us deal with it in differing levels of severity, although when you couple it with an inability to effectively regulate emotions, the behaviors show up as coping tools.  All of that was there long before you met her.

[lm911]

Ow, I'm in agony right now.

3 years ago my ex cut me off. Apart from some desperate attempts (emails/letters) to get a second chance/closure following the break up. I literally have not spoken to or seen her since.

Should I ask her if she'll speak to me? She unblocked me on facebook a couple of months ago... .

When you contact her, you will feel for a short period of time a relief, then you will feel guilt/shame. There is no closure. This is an addiction and when you try to get away from an addiction you don't stick a niddle through your arm. You contacting her is your "niddle".

[soar]

Ow, I'm in agony right now.

3 years ago my ex cut me off. Apart from some desperate attempts (emails/letters) to get a second chance/closure following the break up. I literally have not spoken to or seen her since.

Should I ask her if she'll speak to me? She unblocked me on facebook a couple of months ago... .

When you contact her, you will feel for a short period of time a relief, then you will feel guilt/shame. There is no closure. This is an addiction and when you try to get away from an addiction you don't stick a niddle through your arm. You contacting her is your "niddle".

That's my concern. That I will regret it. Thinking contact with her is some sort of end to my suffering when maybe it's not. I have been thinking a lot about my 'addiction' recently actually. I don't know what to make of it really, I thought I was in love and now I find myself here. Any tips on how to get rid of the addiction?

[Sadly]

Sorry mate, not much of a tip but for what its worth continuing NC and time. I too am addicted, to my sort of ex!. It is like a drug but for a long time now has been far more desperate lows than highs but the highs at the start are out of this world and why virtually all feel they have met the biggest love of their lives. Has she been diagnosed and does she acknowledge she has BPD? If you did get back in touch would it be something you could discuss with her? Is your need because you feel guilty as you didn't know what was wrong with her when you were together and if you had of done you would have reacted differently and maybe still be together? Reading these boards shows the outcome would more than likely been the same. You can pour love and understanding on pwBPD until the cows come home but it doesn't change their behaviour, they can't help it. It is strange how we come to this place, these boards. I had no idea about BPD but knew for a long time something was horribly wrong. I think I was watching tv or reading something and it sounded so familiar. It was a ping, light going on moment and then the more I discovered it became text book. That is why there is no going back for me, ever. I think if we were married or very long term or had children together I would have tried a lot longer but quite honestly that appears to be condemning yourself to a lifetime of roller coaster rides. I am not sure, is it just closure or are you thinking you might get back together as these are such different aims. Happynihilist was right though, whatever you do get yourself centered and clear first. Best and a hug. 

[lm911]

Ow, I'm in agony right now.

3 years ago my ex cut me off. Apart from some desperate attempts (emails/letters) to get a second chance/closure following the break up. I literally have not spoken to or seen her since.

Should I ask her if she'll speak to me? She unblocked me on facebook a couple of months ago... .

When you contact her, you will feel for a short period of time a relief, then you will feel guilt/shame. There is no closure. This is an addiction and when you try to get away from an addiction you don't stick a niddle through your arm. You contacting her is your "niddle".

That's my concern. That I will regret it. Thinking contact with her is some sort of end to my suffering when maybe it's not. I have been thinking a lot about my 'addiction' recently actually. I don't know what to make of it really, I thought I was in love and now I find myself here. Any tips on how to get rid of the addiction?

Start a new hobby, go outside more, get yourself busy with it something in order not to think so much about her. You can start a doing some sport, too.

[soar]

Sorry mate, not much of a tip but for what its worth continuing NC and time. I too am addicted, to my sort of ex!. It is like a drug but for a long time now has been far more desperate lows than highs but the highs at the start are out of this world and why virtually all feel they have met the biggest love of their lives. Has she been diagnosed and does she acknowledge she has BPD? If you did get back in touch would it be something you could discuss with her? Is your need because you feel guilty as you didn't know what was wrong with her when you were together and if you had of done you would have reacted differently and maybe still be together? Reading these boards shows the outcome would more than likely been the same. You can pour love and understanding on pwBPD until the cows come home but it doesn't change their behaviour, they can't help it. It is strange how we come to this place, these boards. I had no idea about BPD but knew for a long time something was horribly wrong. I think I was watching tv or reading something and it sounded so familiar. It was a ping, light going on moment and then the more I discovered it became text book. That is why there is no going back for me, ever. I think if we were married or very long term or had children together I would have tried a lot longer but quite honestly that appears to be condemning yourself to a lifetime of roller coaster rides. I am not sure, is it just closure or are you thinking you might get back together as these are such different aims. Happynihilist was right though, whatever you do get yourself centered and clear first. Best and a hug. 

Thank you man.

She doesn't know she has BPD as far as I'm aware. Which obviously means it's just my opinion atm but I have strong beliefs. Her behaviour in the relationship was crushing. She did love me but didn't know how to handle it. She talked about "pushing people away" and even wrote in a letter once, something like "I know I don't treat you well and I don't know why I do it. I still don't know how I feel in regards to liking myself".

No it's not the fact that I didn't know during the relationship. I guess it's just more to do with me, I'm a rescuer and I wholeheartedly wanted to rescue my ex.

I don't want to get back with her as I know she'd do it all again. I just want closure really, I want peace. I want to know that our relationship wasn't meaningless.

[apollotech]

I just want closure really, I want peace. I want to know that our relationship wasn't meaningless.

Soar,

This ^^^^ is why I wrote what I wrote earlier in a prior post. You are looking to her to provide this. That empowers her, thereby, leaving you open to her whims. You can provide these things for yourself.

For example, was the relationship meaningful to you? That answer is not contingent upon how she would answer the question. If it was meaningful to you, then it had value to/for you.

[soar]

I just want closure really, I want peace. I want to know that our relationship wasn't meaningless.

Soar,

This ^^^^ is why I wrote what I wrote earlier in a prior post. You are looking to her to provide this. That empowers her, thereby, leaving you open to her whims. You can provide these things for yourself.

For example, was the relationship meaningful to you? That answer is not contingent upon how she would answer the question. If it was meaningful to you, then it had value to/for you.

I hear what you're saying. That's what I've always been afraid of, her power to hurt me. But at the same time I keep coming around to this idea of contacting her, as if it's inevitable. As if I HAVE to do it to move forward. But obviously you're telling me that's not the case and I hope you're right. All I can tell you is I haven't contacted her and in my head, I'd like to keep it that way. I just know that once I start feeling that knot in my stomach, I'll be thinking of ways to get rid of it permenantly. 

The relationship was very special to me. I would of done anything for things to have been different... .but I know the reality is my ex couldn't join me.

[apollotech]

I just want closure really, I want peace. I want to know that our relationship wasn't meaningless.

Soar,

This ^^^^ is why I wrote what I wrote earlier in a prior post. You are looking to her to provide this. That empowers her, thereby, leaving you open to her whims. You can provide these things for yourself.

For example, was the relationship meaningful to you? That answer is not contingent upon how she would answer the question. If it was meaningful to you, then it had value to/for you.

I hear what you're saying. That's what I've always been afraid of, her power to hurt me. But at the same time I keep coming around to this idea of contacting her, as if it's inevitable. As if I HAVE to do it to move forward. But obviously you're telling me that's not the case and I hope you're right. All I can tell you is I haven't contacted her and in my head, I'd like to keep it that way. I just know that once I start feeling that knot in my stomach, I'll be thinking of ways to get rid of it permenantly. 

The relationship was very special to me. I would of done anything for things to have been different... .but I know the reality is my ex couldn't join me.

Soar,

I think I have been unclear on what may have been implied in what I have said. I am one of the minority on the boards that does believe that contact with an exSO can be healthy for both parties. But, it can only be healthy when the Non is healthy and in control of himself/herself. The party with issues cannot shoulder that burden and shouldn't be asked to do so. The healthy person must take the responsibility and take the lead in the communications.

Being fearful of her power to hurt you is wise. Reaching a point in your recovery where she no longer has said power is enlightenment.

[joeramabeme]

Hey Soar, sorry to hear that you are going through all this.  Not sure that I am in the same camp about NC, especially given that it has been 3 years for you.  There must be something that you want to say and hoping to free the logjam in your heart and mind.  

How about this; take out a piece of paper and write down the top 3 reasons why you want to connect with her on closure.  For example, I want to say a final good bye and tell her that the r/s was meaningful to me and how much i loved her.  Next to each reason put down what you hope you will get from telling her these things and next to that write why you hope you hope to get that.  The last part is really important, WHY you are hoping to get that from this closure meeting.  

After doing this, place the paper somewhere out of sight for the few days to 1 week.  Then go back and read it.  If after reading the note you say, I can see why I am doing this and can realistically get this desire met from a one-time meeting, then do it.  If you read it and realize that you need something from her, like get back together or anything else, then it is probably not a good idea.  

Understanding why you want to do this will really help clarify what to do or not do.  

After 3 years you either have to do it or come to a clear reason why not to so that you can move on.  Understanding your internal motivations will help clarify your response and set you free.  

Right now, you do not know why NOT to do it so it is eating you up.

This is just my opinion... . Hope it all works out for you.

[Sadly]

Hey, that is a good idea of Joe's, I do it a lot, writing things down. I have also written loads of letters to my man but never sent them. Some are angry but honest, some are loving but honest and some are quite frankly pathetic but also honest. I take them out and read them and I can truly say it calms my mind down when it is raging with unhappiness or anger. I also feel relief that I don't send them as he doesn't know how to deal well with feelings and honesty and I cannot give him the power/pleasure or whatever it is of showing him just how vulnerable I am.

If she had the insight to acknolwedge her bad behaviour at the time you were together then maybe you could write a letter saying she has been on your mind a lot lately, how much you once loved her and enjoy remembering the happy times. You could wish her happiness and say goodbye. Then read it everyday for a week and see if you want to send it or not then. Do you think that might work to give you closure. Ideal world scenario she may reply something along the same lines after all it has been a long time. Crappy real world she may not reply at all or not give you the response you want. I dunno its so difficult but it seems safer (for you) than actually hearing her voice by speaking to her. That really tugs at the heartstrings. It took me ages before I could delete the voicemail I had from my man. It was like something out of a bad film, replay,replay, replay. DELETE. Fingers crossed for you whatever choice you make, we all deserve peace and happiness and remember stick to this site like glue, it is a saviour. 

[soar]

How about this; take out a piece of paper and write down the top 3 reasons why you want to connect with her on closure.  For example, I want to say a final good bye and tell her that the r/s was meaningful to me and how much i loved her.  Next to each reason put down what you hope you will get from telling her these things and next to that write why you hope you hope to get that.  The last part is really important, WHY you are hoping to get that from this closure meeting.  

Thanks for your advice, here's what I've come up with... .

Top reasons why I want to connect with her on closure:

I want to tell her how much she hurt me because it's only right. I have the right to express my hurt and disappointment to someone who I once loved and trusted. I've never felt as if I've had a chance to be heard because the person I needed to speak to most.

I want to tell her how much the relationship meant to me for very similar reasons. I've never been able to express myself.

[apollotech]

Thanks for your advice, here's what I've come up with... .

Top reasons why I want to connect with her on closure:

I want to tell her how much she hurt me because it's only right. I have the right to express my hurt and disappointment to someone who I once loved and trusted. I've never felt as if I've had a chance to be heard because the person I needed to speak to most.

I want to tell her how much the relationship meant to me for very similar reasons. I've never been able to express myself.

Soar,

I agree with you. I think those are very good reasons to re-establish contact. I think that you do indeed have a right to speak your peace. I think that it would be beneficial to you to purge what you've been holding onto.

But, I think you have to be in a position where you have no expectations regarding her reactions to what you have to say, nor should you expect her to provide something for you. You can't empower her (give her control of your thoughts and/or feelings) in the exchange and keep yourself safe as well.

[soar]

I've just written a letter to my ex. I haven't sent it or anything.

Jesus... I laid into her. I was writing it for hours. Just flowing out of me like it always does. It started out quite coherent but towards to end I'm just hurling abuse. It's basically all my pain on the page.

I did notice one thing. There's less about me 'loving her' and more about 'how she's hurt me'. Which basically tells me it's that specially that I need to express. I get so riled when talking about how she hurt me, but don't go into much detail about how I loved her. The feelings just aren't the same anymore.