The affect effects of being with a BPD

[Samuel S.]

We as nonBPDs have been going on an emotional roller coaster ride with our BPDs. In fact, there has been manipulation, verbal abuse, bullying, and anything else that is traumatic. While each of our lives is different, we have gone through a lot of trauma, thus affecting us now. Fortunately, we have this website to learn from and to get support.

Tonight, I saw a movie entitled "The Gift" with Jason Bateman, Rebecca Hall, and Joel Edgerton. It deals with the horrible effects of being around someone who is manipulative, verbally abusive, and a bully. It is one of those "must see" films, because one of these actors shows signs of BPD. It is a movie to feel, to gather support from, and to learn from.

[OnceConfused]

What are your take-aways from this film?

[Samuel S.]

Bullies have the "power over", and the bullied have the "power of overcoming". Bullies manipulate and verbally abuse others. They gain the support of others due to their own insecurities. In fact, the Jason Bateman character's name is Simon, and "Simon says" is referred to in order to make the point about "power over".

The bullied have the "power of overcoming", but due to their own insecurities, it is much more difficult to set up their boundaries. They do the best they can to be their unique selves, but the bullies sense the so-called weaknesses of the bullied and will gain others' support to knock them down verbally and physically.

When the bullied feel more confident, they have a choice. They can let the past go and move on with their own lives and maybe help others having been afflicted by bullies. They can lash out at the bullies who created their intense hurt. Also, it is possible that the bullied become the bullies due to their own anger.

In my situation, I was surrounded by verbal abuse (arguments that my parents had with one another over the years), but never at me. Yet, I was the unintended victim of their anger and fear. I chose to help others by becoming a teacher by listening, validating, and helping. Yet, personally, I came across my BPDw who was nice and loving at the beginning who truly is a bully. So, I am doing the best I can by being on this website, by getting counseling, and by trying to create boundaries as much as possible.

[OnceConfused]

What do you see your life in 5 or 10 years?

Or even better what do you want your life to BE in 5 or 10 years?

[Samuel S.]

I hope not to be in this situation with my BPDw, whether that means she is going to change or whether I am going to change. I met with my T today who was very realistic by saying that my BPDw has major psychological issues, and by seeing and talking with the "medium counselor" is really not helping her. She also said that the average grief cycle is about 2 years, and my BPDw's grief has been going on for 16 years. Thus, she truly needs professional counseling. Even at that which is probably not going to happen, she would need a tremendous amount of time to truly heal and to be happy. In the meantime, my emotional health would falter with stress, and my physical health would falter due to age. My T was very realistic and very supportive of me moving on, and I said that I need to devise a plan to get out. She said and I agree that I have plenty of good years ahead of me, and due to what I have been doing professionally can be very healthy and very inspiring.

With all that being said and thought about, there's that part of me that says that I should wait a little while longer, to see if she changes, that by her being happier with a new career, that she would feel better about herself and about me. I also feel she would lose it, if I were to leave, resulting in a lot of anger at me, at herself, and perhaps drastically even suicide.

[OnceConfused]

I should wait a little while longer, to see if she changes, that by her being happier with a new career, that she would feel better about herself and about me. I also feel she would lose it, if I were to leave, resulting in a lot of anger at me, at herself, and perhaps drastically even suicide.

I told myself the same thing about 15 years ago, that I would wait until our children get older and then my 1st wife and I would rekindle our r/s and rejuvenate our lives. Well Samuel, that day never came as she was killed in a car accident 10 yrs ago. After that and along with the many regrets that we did not do this or that or live fully , I finally decided that I must live fully and be happy  and best of all LET NO ONE PULL ME OFF THAT PATH (including xBPDgf).

I bring up my situation to share with you and to dispel your notion/fear/hope about what your wife might do in the future. That fear will forever tie you down and one day on your death bed you will regret (like I felt) things that you might have missed in life. That is why I have been asking you "what is your purpose in life? and where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 yrs".

You have not seen any positive actions from your wife for the last "how many years ?", and so what makes you think she will be better one day next year - a miracle , perhaps?

Why would you care if your leaving resulting in anger in her ? Is she not being angry with you just for being in her life - today?.

You should do things or take actions for your own survival and own happiness. YOu cannot count on others to give you happiness. Remember " she cannot give what she does not have". she cannot give you happiness when she is not happy.

I doubt it that she would commit suicide once you leave, because that means you must be very important to her. But yet her current actions to you do not reflect that. She might threaten to commit suicide, not to do it, but to control you, my friend, with guilt. Is that an action of love on her part?

Please visualize yourself in 5, 10 and 15 years from now - being with her. What do you really see?

You mention that you are a teacher. Do you teach other to just reading books or do you teach others to take what they read and apply to their lives ? Of course. reading  books without applications makes one a book worm or a hermit but reading books and applying them makes one an inventor, a leader, a nobel prize winner or a person who can change the world for the better. Take what you learn and apply them and don't let your inner fear keeps you imprisoned for life.

I read somewhere this wonderful thought:

The ship is built to travel to far away land through rough seas, it is not built to be on dry dock so that it will not be damaged by the wind and the high sea. Would you want to be the captain of the first ship or the dry docked ship?

we have to take risks. If we are afraid then the moon would never be conquered, America would never be discovered.

[Samuel S.]

OnceConfused, I appreciate everything that you have said, and you are so right. You have amazing insight. I am just sorry to have heard about your first wife. I too lost my first wife, but to cancer over 18 years ago. Then, I married my BPDw 3 years later only to find out, like all of us nonBPDs, that she had done a complete 180. She even admitted that she was pretending.

With all that being said, I know what you say is from the power of caring for me; however, I am so drained out emotionally and physically, that I have only a small amount of emotional strength left to teach and to tutor which is like a recharger, if you will. I am just taking it one day at a time along with seeing my T and attending a men's support group. I know I've got to get more sleep. My doctor mentioned and I am taking Melatonin which has helped some. So, eventually, I will have more emotional strength. In the meantime, besides teaching and tutoring, I need to not only read your comments, but also to act on them, but it's going to take an enormous amount of emotional strength which has been ebbing and more sleep. Thank you!

[Sadly]

Sadly, we all empathize with you, because you are us, and we are you. Along with taking care of yourself by seeing a therapist to delve with how to protect your beautiful self, I would like to suggest 2 other things. When you feel sad, think of the people on this website as your "virtual hug", if you will, the people who hug you from afar physically, but know exactly how you feel, that we support you 100%. Also, you mentioned about going to the ocean. Perhaps, it might be a good idea to go there again so that you can think about who you are and what you want to do along with knowing that you and the rest of us surround you with empathy and care!

Do you remember telling me this Samuel. You were right there when I needed you to be, as is everyone here. I am still struggling and very unhappy but I read this a lot. Be strong, take care of your beautiful self too and if that means walking away then so be it. It is what I have to do. All your hugs returned a thousand fold lovely man.  1000

[OnceConfused]

Samuel:

I understand after so many, many years of being abused you have lost your strength and determination. But  you can retrain your mind and heart by taking actions on small items first. It is like trying to run a 27 k marathon, you have to train yourself with 1k first then 2k then 5k ... .

The key here is TAKiNG ACTIONS. Going to therapy and to support groups only serve as a beacon of light as to where you should go or be. But to get to where you want to be or go, you must take many baby steps or mini successes and then keep on using them as building blocks for bigger decisions or actions. You can go the therapy and support groups for the rest of your life, but if you don't take actions to change you or your environment then you will be at the same place today when you die. Nothing changes until an action is taken.

What are those baby steps?

1. Change your routine. Say if you normally get up at 7am , now try to get up at 5 am to read or walk. You can tell your mind that you have the will to do it. that is a baby success.

2. Getting rid of old stuffs. Things that you have not worn or used for over 3 years, could be given to Good will. This tells your mind that you can DETACH from things that are not essential or important to you.

3. Live a SIMPLER life. the same vein as (2).

4. Say if you want to lose 10 lbs. See how you can do it in 3 months.

[KateCat]

Samuel,

I've followed your story for a long time. I am feeling encouraged for you for the very first time.

Having found a personal therapist who understands your situation so quickly is a huge positive. If she's "the one" to help you progress, then you will begin to draw strength from that relationship and those sessions.

Can you make sure your visits with her are at least on a weekly basis?

(A 64-year-old male friend of mine filed for divorce earlier this year after a nearly 40-year marriage. He states that his wife has Dependent Personality Disorder. So we can maybe imagine how hard it was for him to make any changes. He said that what got him to the point of being able to make this big change in his life was . . . are you ready . . . two years of twice-weekly sessions with his therapist. It's not easy, but it seems that you too may now be on your way out of being stuck.)

Good for you!

[Samuel S.]

All of your care and all of your support have been awesome, and I so appreciate it a lot! Also, being back to teaching and tutoring has been helpful for me so that I can give back to the community.

Sadly, I so appreciate your warmth and your compassion! Yes, I remember being there for you as I still am. My virtual hugs are for you too! I just wish, hope, and pray that you find your strength to overcome your BPD's ways and to be able to do what is right for you first and foremost and then for others around you. I find by helping others makes a difference for them along with being rejuvenating.

Lately, my BPDw has not been verbally abusive, but is happy doing her own thing. Granted, she did walk around the lake with me just yesterday which is about a 45 minute walk, and she has thanked me for different things. So, those are positive things as far as she is concerned. I am just laden with the PTSD. That's why I am seeing my T, although I haven't told her that I am. It is such a personal thing, and she is so focused on herself, that she would only just say "okay", and that's it. I just have my emotions to sort out. I realize more than ever now that she has basically blocked out her toxicity that she had imposed upon me only to focus on herself. That only means that I again need to deal with my own emotions.

My T gave me a scare, though, at our last session. Luckily, I said that the verbal abuse has stopped, because if it hadn't, then, she is legally obligated to report to an abuse council which ultimately could get the police involved, thus creating chaos and a frightening situation. I will be honest with my T, because she is my advocate and my protector.

[Samuel S.]

One thing that I noted to my T and it was rather evident tonight is that when my BPDw comes back from work and from school, she plays the "holier than thou" routine. She said how she is in high demand. She says how she is so great in what she is doing. She said that this person and that person have their issues, and she was rather condescending in her talk and in her tone about them. She then said that I should not feed the fish big pieces, because they can cause the fish tank to become messier sooner. It is almost like she has to indulge herself and be "on the throne" in order to show how extremely important she is. Indeed, what she does is really important; however, humility is not a part of her vocabulary. I am proud of what I do, but I don't go around bragging to her or anyone else, because we are all on Earth to help one another with nobody being "higher than" or "lower than". It is important to be happy about what one does; however, her "holier than thou" posture is so prevalent, that she is unreachable. In fact, maybe, that's why she does it!

[letmeout]

Never expect your BPD partner to change or be 'cured' of their BPD (unless they are willing to be rehabilitated somehow). I stuck around for 35 years because I always hoped he would get better. Well, he got worse. More so than I ever expected possible for a human being to get worse.

It was very frightening to see a monster become a super-monster before my very eyes. However, it did force me to leave finally, and for that I am so grateful for the peace in my life now. 

[Samuel S.]

Well, it was bound to happen, and it did! My BPDw and I are both very happy for her D18 who has quite a great future ahead of her. Then, my BPDw reflected about how she had to protect her then D3 from my side of the family due to my now son-in-law showing signs of being an abused guy when he was younger. Then, he met her then D3, and my BPDw got all freaked out thinking that his caring and that's all it was were signs of possible sexual abuse. So, that caused a major conflict between all of us. That was 15 years ago.

So, my BPDw brought that up again last night. She said that she gets triggered when I talk about my D41, her husband, and their family. Well, I don't like being confrontational and am very patient, but when she became acusatory again like she was, that's when I became mad. I spilled out that I am seeing a counselor. I told her how I have been verbally abused by her and gave her specific examples, which she of course had conveniently forgotten. She then said she apologized for saying those things. While I appreciate her saying that, I will believe it when she consistently shows respect instead of degradation.

She turned the whole conversation about her loss of her D7 1/2 16 years ago and how her mother verbally, emotionally, and physically abused her. She also said that although she thinks she doesn't have an eating disorder, that since I haven't seen her naked for a long time, that she is skin and bones. She began to cry. I validated her feelings and hugged her.

There was only one calm in this emotional hurricane when her sister came over for about an hour, but it resumed after she left.

She then continued by saying she is getting help from her "medium counselor", that she would be much more frustrated, if she were to only be working full time and not going to school. She said that I said hurtful things to her in the past, but she is trying to forgive me. I said I apologized numerous times for supporting my D41 when she was around much more, because I wanted to have both my D41 and my BPDw. Yet, that couldn't happen, because my BPDw was too jealous, which she freely admits. So, I have shown by my apologies and by my actions not to bring them up, for which my BPDw said she appreciates.

So, now, it's the morning after. She's asleep. I'm getting ready to go out for the day and let her be by herself. In fact, she prefers that.