Contract for visits? feedback, please

[Parents! Get help here!]

I took my gd5 to visit her mother today (my dBPDd24). It didn't end well, as she began cursing at me and refused to let go of my gd when I ended the visit prematurely. She has asked for unsupervised visits and I told her that when she began working on recovery we would discuss it. This set her off and she got "that look" I know you all know what that is... .  She raised her voice and began telling me off so I ended the visit. I am sure I contributed to the situation in the heat of the moment. My question is -- has anyone had success drawing up guidelines during visits such as:

No badmouthing of the other parent, or grandparents

No talking about the latest love interest (he misses you so much, he' going to be your new daddy, etc)

No discussion of when you will live together again or when you will have unsupervised visits in front of the child

Discussion of more liberal visits will not begin until:

1. She is actively pursuing recovery by seeing a therapist weekly and taking appropriate medications as prescribed

2. She is no longer using mind/mood altering drugs such as marijuana (I don't care that it is legal in some states)

3.She has stable living arrangements for example living in same location for 6 months

I don't want to trigger anything, but I feel strongly that her behavior has a negative impact on her daughter and don't trust her to make good decisions when left alone with her. I have seen enough verbal abuse and modeling of inappropriate behavior to know that I need to protect the little one more than I need to appease her. I don't think it is deliberate, but the effect is the same whether she means to do it or not

I may be way off base, so I am turning to you guys, the experts in dealing with loved ones with BPD for honest feedback. Thanks in advance

[mimi99]

I took my gd5 to visit her mother today (my dBPDd24). It didn't end well, as she began cursing at me and refused to let go of my gd when I ended the visit prematurely. She has asked for unsupervised visits and I told her that when she began working on recovery we would discuss it. This set her off and she got "that look" I know you all know what that is... .  She raised her voice and began telling me off so I ended the visit. I am sure I contributed to the situation in the heat of the moment. My question is -- has anyone had success drawing up guidelines during visits such as:

No badmouthing of the other parent, or grandparents

No talking about the latest love interest (he misses you so much, he' going to be your new daddy, etc)

No discussion of when you will live together again or when you will have unsupervised visits in front of the child

Discussion of more liberal visits will not begin until:

1. She is actively pursuing recovery by seeing a therapist weekly and taking appropriate medications as prescribed

2. She is no longer using mind/mood altering drugs such as marijuana (I don't care that it is legal in some states)

3.She has stable living arrangements for example living in same location for 6 months

I don't want to trigger anything, but I feel strongly that her behavior has a negative impact on her daughter and don't trust her to make good decisions when left alone with her. I have seen enough verbal abuse and modeling of inappropriate behavior to know that I need to protect the little one more than I need to appease her. I don't think it is deliberate, but the effect is the same whether she means to do it or not

I may be way off base, so I am turning to you guys, the experts in dealing with loved ones with BPD for honest feedback. Thanks in advance

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SouthernMama]

I had a very similar agreement w/ my ex, though, I insisted on his parents supervising each visit. This agreement worked well for 6 years until his recent suicide. However, b/c of those safe guards in place, the kids were no where near him at the time of incident.

[mimi99]

Thanks for your reply southernmama. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with the aftermath of a suicide. I hope your children are healing from the trauma. I want my gd to have a relationship with her mother, but don't want to have to undo all the damage that can be inflicted as a result of her mom's instability. The things she sometimes says are amazing! "I guess daddy had something better to do than come to your birthday party" "Mimi and Pawpaw want mommy to go to jail" "you'll never see your daddy again because I hate him"

Afterwards she either denies that she said it or justifies it with nasty accusations at us. Limited contact seems to be the way to go, with an agreement in place to protect our little one.

[lbjnltx]

You could try to communicate your concerns for gdaughter's well being through a contract.  It would most likely infuriate her mother.

The contract, even signed, would only be enforceable after it is broken... .right?

Is there a way to work with your daughter to bring concerns for gdaughter to her attention?  A way to enlighten daughter to what might be harmful to gdaughter and get mom to buy in to healthier communication? 

How might you go about it in a more cooperative manner?  Maybe using SET?

[SouthernMama]

Document, document. She's being verbally abusive, & if you need to take her back to court, you need to have examples of her unhealthy behavior. That's really tough. You have to approach her like a child:

It's a fine balance. Never make the BPD feel threatened or like you are going to terminate parental rights. They will get desperate & either self harm or harm others. It sounds like you're at that point though. Tread lightly. Be prepared for retaliation.