Why does it hurt so much

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

One month ago I ended a 5 year long very turbulent relationship with a fiance with borderline. I've tried to do it before but always went back to her. Now it seems like I finally succeeded in getting away, since she's already dating a new guy... .But the pain and the longing for her is terrible and I've been crying a lot. Actually I feel pretty much out of balance and depressed, and I have started to wonder if I'm the one with the disease... .

Have anyone been here? Will it ever pass? What to expect?

Please help... .

[Virgo]

One month ago I ended a 5 year long very turbulent relationship with a fiance with borderline. I've tried to do it before but always went back to her. Now it seems like I finally succeeded in getting away, since she's already dating a new guy... .But the pain and the longing for her is terrible and I've been crying a lot. Actually I feel pretty much out of balance and depressed, and I have started to wonder if I'm the one with the disease... .

Have anyone been here? Will it ever pass? What to expect?

Please help... .

[once removed]

hey virgo and

your pain is quite understandable. these are volatile relationships to say the least, and they take a serious toll on us during and after. thats one reason we have a support group for people going through it, and im very glad you found us.

will the pain pass? sure it will. in my experience, at one month, everything is still very raw. this is a traumatic experience youre going through, and that wreaks havoc on the body and mind. it takes time to process, so be patient with yourself in the meantime, and treat yourself well.

can you share some more of your story to give us a better idea of where youre coming from? im sure many members here can relate.

[Virgo]

5 years ago i came from a dying relationship with 3 kids. This woman didn't have BPD but wasn't very giving and we didn't talk very much anymore, and haven't had sex for about 5 years. She had an affair on a family holiday, wich I tried to talk with her about but she never wanted to... .So I decided that it was time to move on... .

Some month later I met this wonderfull younger woman wich I had so much in common with. She was very intelligent, well articulated and beautiful. I was all over her for some month until she said yes to be my partner. I was så happy and proud that this angel would be togeher with me. In the beginning the talks, the sex and the positive recognitions was on a level I never experienced before. She told me that she loved my brain, my dick, my but and everything about me.

The first hint that something was very wrong happened less than a month into our relationship. We where laying close together aften an hour of wonderfull mutually very satisfying sex when I said that I've really felt the oneness between os, and that it was like doing tantra. She stiffened, and asked in an angry voice what i knew about tantra. Unfortunately I said that I've been doing tantra with my very first fiancee... .

Then she exploded in an insane rage telling me that an ugly old mand like me should be happy and grateful to be with a young beautiful woman like her, that se was 30 times more pretty than I was, and that all her friends have asked her why she was together with an old ugly fellow like me (I was 49). I was shocked and curled up naked and crying in the other end of the bed, but she continued with her rage for about 15 minutes and the asked me why i was curling up like that, and said that she needed a hug... .

I felt nauseous, confused, scared and very very unhappy. I didn't know about BPD then and couldn't understand what happend. Today I know much better, and if this ever happen to me again, I will get up immediately, tell her that this is not for me and leave. But I didn't then (instead I gave her the hug... .).

This kind of rage I've seen so many times since that I can't count them. They could start with her being hungry, if I didn't understand her level of education, if i didn't respond fast enough to an sms, if i came late, if i told a joke she didn't like, or for lots of other reasons. They happened a parties, in airports, in stores, in hotels and lots of other places. A few time it was her parents or an employe in a store that was the target, but usually it was me... .

She have been shouting things at me like: Your dick is so disgusting to have inside, you're so fat, I feel like a hooker when we've been together, your so discusting when you lick my but (she loved it), all my other men have been better in bed than you are. She have been humiliating me in front of friends, my children, colleagues and stragners. She even told me that my 14 year old daughter was a hooker. She have been a true genius in finding my sore spots and picking in them, both in private and in public.

Everything i've shared with har, she have been using against me both privately and in public - my concerns about my kids, coworkers, economy, my body, my business etc. She have been into my Facebook and my computer, an insisted on se who I called on my phone. She even shared private things with some of my colleagues on Facebook. She have been threaten me with telling everyone all about me (things like I didn't wanted to see my children (with her)).

When we met my company was running very good and my economy was excellent. Today I don't have my company anymore and I'm very much in debt. As her evil behavior towards me started to deplete med of my self worth, I couldn't work like I used to do anymore.

I've asked her, beged and pleaded her to stop her rages against me, but she said that it was normal (and indeed it was when she was a kid). We went to relationship courses and therapy but it was never her fault any of it, and I didn't bring her rages up with the therapist. I even told her that I could go with her to a psychiatrist with her. She never wanted to talk about her rages, not once.

I've tried to end it many times but came back again and again. Finally I realised that I couldn't handle it myself, so i wrote a special prayer asking God to help me. this helped me to make the right decision and one day, about a month ago i removed my things and sended her and SMS that it was over. I was so scared that couldn't say it into her face.

Today I'm devastated and humanly down on my knees. I don't know my own needs and dreams anymore. I think about her all the time, cry a lot and actually miss her. I've been talking to her a lot the last days, but off course that doesn't help.

There is off course much more events than I've described here, and my part of it was that I started not to tell her much anymore, lying about when I was seeing my kids and certain business decisions. Not good, but at that time i couldn't stand up to her.

Writing this is very enlightning! It's very hard to understand that i've spend 5 years like that, and that I actually miss her today? I really have to get my self worth and love back on track again... .

Thank you for reading... .

[once removed]

hey virgo,

thanks for sharing your story. im glad it felt good to get out, it really helps to talk  .

im really sorry to hear about the rages and the very personal information that was used against you, your pain is quite understandable. you are right that these things are not "normal".

these relationships are often highly volatile, and a bit of a whirlwind, and many of us stayed in spite of the red flags, for various reasons; we loved our partners and we wanted things to work, and in some cases like yours we feared our partners and their potential reactions. these will be highly useful things to explore about yourself as you heal. have you had an opportunity to check out the links directly to the right, and have you considered seeing a therapist yourself?

hang in there virgo, we are here for you  .

[Tangy]

Omy goodness I am so very sorry this happened to you. It's like no matter how much you rationally know it's not true, the fact that those awful words came out of the mouth of someone you love, they feel true. While I was reading all I could think is that I want to give YOU a hug! I think that's what it comes down to... .really put yourself in a place of compassion for yourself. Really try to see yourself right now as someone in need of love, protection, and soothing. I know it can be weird to direct love to yourself, but I hope you can. Everything she said to you is outright abusive and you deserve NC so you can protect from ever been treated/spoken to like that again.

[pseudotsuga]

So sorry that you are hurting... .and thank you for sharing your story (i know it helps me to read the experiences of others... .truly)

The story that you describe sounds so painful, so intense... .and... .i can relate to so much of it... .how someone you love can be so sweet and loving one minute and then screaming the most horrible awful things targeted straight at all the insecurities that were once shared in tender and trusting moments (only to be twisted later). it seems so absurd - can feel so shattering.

I hope you are feeling better now (i see its been 2 weeks since your original post). (I, too, know the acute and deep pain of BPD love.) Also... .time can heal so much... .I hope it has for you, hope it continues to, hope that you to value yourself and treat yourself well, and I hope you find something much more fullfuling in the future. All the best to you... .(i am sorry that you are hurting)