New here, but already feel comforable...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So a little about me and my situation.

Just spent a year with the woman of my dreams, supposedly.   Loads of red flags that I chose to ignore, including;

tearing into me 2 weeks into our relationship and putting me down

wanted a baby 2 months in

past relationship scenarious.

I could go on.

Then the pushing/pulling started almost on a bi-weekly basis.  Started to think i wasnt good enough. 

Bringing me up to my current.  5 weeks ago we had the most wonderful weekend.  We made love, joked about, spent time together.  It was nice.  I was supposed to be moving in on the 1st August!  Had half my stuff at hers already.   Then she blew off on the Sunday evening over something completely trivial. To avoid confrontation, I left to stay at mine, as was the usual ritual.  However, this time, after a few days she wanted a break. We went minimal contact for a couple of weeks, then i anted answers.  To which she said we are over.  It wasnt working, and i was blind sided.  A week before we were supposed to start a life together!  Tbh, looking back, I think sh may have pulled the trigger first due to my comments that I wasnt happy how things were progressing.

So im now 7 days complete NC after finally getting my stuff back.  I just cant get my head around how this happened.  Well I can now I know BPD traits, but it doesnt ease the pain and confusion totally.  Still feel dropped, was I ever loved, etc, etc.

On the other hand, I am starting to see that this was never rely going to work and that Im probably better off without her.  I expected her to be in touch by now, but it seems shes fine and has just moved on out o my life no trouble at all.  And that hurts too.

Anyway, hi to all, and hopefuly get some support and further insight into all this chaos.

[seang]

So a little about me and my situation.

Just spent a year with the woman of my dreams, supposedly.   Loads of red flags that I chose to ignore, including;

tearing into me 2 weeks into our relationship and putting me down

wanted a baby 2 months in

past relationship scenarious.

I could go on.

Then the pushing/pulling started almost on a bi-weekly basis.  Started to think i wasnt good enough. 

Bringing me up to my current.  5 weeks ago we had the most wonderful weekend.  We made love, joked about, spent time together.  It was nice.  I was supposed to be moving in on the 1st August!  Had half my stuff at hers already.   Then she blew off on the Sunday evening over something completely trivial. To avoid confrontation, I left to stay at mine, as was the usual ritual.  However, this time, after a few days she wanted a break. We went minimal contact for a couple of weeks, then i anted answers.  To which she said we are over.  It wasnt working, and i was blind sided.  A week before we were supposed to start a life together!  Tbh, looking back, I think sh may have pulled the trigger first due to my comments that I wasnt happy how things were progressing.

So im now 7 days complete NC after finally getting my stuff back.  I just cant get my head around how this happened.  Well I can now I know BPD traits, but it doesnt ease the pain and confusion totally.  Still feel dropped, was I ever loved, etc, etc.

On the other hand, I am starting to see that this was never rely going to work and that Im probably better off without her.  I expected her to be in touch by now, but it seems shes fine and has just moved on out o my life no trouble at all.  And that hurts too.

Anyway, hi to all, and hopefuly get some support and further insight into all this chaos.

[seang]

Just one burning question I dont seem to be able to answer is;

I hear being with a Bpd usually incurs a few real break ups before ts finally over for good.  Do i count the little push/pulls over the months as this?  Or is this the first actual real break up im experiencing.  I guess what Im getting at is, is she done for good now, or will she be venturing back at some point?

[JQ]

Seang,

Welcome to the group ... .here you'll find no judgement only those who have been what you're currently going through or have been through. My own experience, my mother & sister are BPD, which led to my first exBPDgf, which led to two divorces and now my second relationship with my on again off again now exBPDgf. This relationship has been going back and forth for two 1/2 years. She is currently with another bf, we'll call him bf#2 and they have been seeing each other for about a year. She has recently told me it's not working out, that she isn't getting what she needs from the relationship, that she knows it needs to end. Now she's also told me that she would like to start over from the beginning with us ... .that was two weeks ago. Since then she's been on vacation with her kids for 7 days, and spent the this weekend with bf#2. She left from his house this morning to go to work, her usual weekend routine with him. SO I've had no contact with her for 11 days now. So it's confusing to say the least ... .push pull, black white, I love you I hate you.  I'm currently going back and forth to reach out tonight with a simple text "hi" when she gets home from work ... .but then I'm wondering if I should go down that path after 11 days NC.

It's good to see that you believe it was never really going to work ... .thats half the battle. I've known mine since high school, 30 plus years and lost contact with her for nearly 25 years until she found me on FB and the roller coaster crazy train started. Since then i've learned a lot about BPD, my behavior, and if I choose, if she chooses to start and stay in this relationship is going to be a lifetime of ups, downs, therapy for both of us, stress, anxiety and the list goes on. I ask myself questions all the time, is this the relationship I want 10 months from now much less 10 years from now? why do I really love her? Does she treat me with mutual respect? Is it a loving, caring mutual respectfully relationship that I can spend the rest of my life enjoying or am i going to be stressed out, depressed, full of anxiety? She been in & out of therapy for years and there are moments I see clarity in her thought process ... .in what she says ... .in her eyes ... .then it passes and it's like dealing with the logic of a 3 year old again. I'm getting to the point in my life that I'm suppose to be enjoying a relationship, those fun filled travel weekends, those moments at night when you laugh about something silly, holding hands because it feels right ... .not in the middle of a 3 way relationship waiting for her to make up her mind on what direction she wants to go.

I digress ... .this is about your questions not my thought process of my own BPD relationship. Studies suggest that she will have to WANT to go to therapy to find out why she behaves and acts and says the things she does. Nothing you can say or do will make her go. Know that she'll have to go for what is probably the rest of her life and that there will be good days and bad days. Know that if you stay, you'll more then likely need to attend therapy for the length of the relationship ... .if thats for a year or the rest of your life. Know that this started way before you entered the picture and that you can't cure it or control it.

As far as the REAL FINAL BREAK UP ... .my first exBPDgf and I split 18 years ago and I moved around the country with the military. I thought she was gone for good. After my second divorce, I found out that she had been "friends with my BPD mother & sister" and she got my number from my mother. She now continues to call, or text and wants to come see me, wants to start up a relationship if nothing else for sex and I'm just not that into her anymore. Trust me ... .as good as the sex was with her it's not worth the price of my sanity, my soul, my life and I ignore any and all advances. I made the mistake of telling exBPDgf #2 of her advances, You know being open and the possibility of running into her if we stopped by my moms house I didn't want her surprised ... .yeah ... .that conversation didn't end well even thought we, "WERE ON A BREAK" according to her. NEVER MIND the fact I had no desire to even see her much less sleep with her ... .it didn't matter she saw her as a threat. So answer to your question ... .I believe there is NO final break ever. Just long periods of NC ... .some last two weeks, two months, two years ... .but from what I've read in the forum and my personal experience ... .they will reach out to you one way or the other. If you don't want her to, might i suggest you change your phone number which can be done for free via your providers website or stop into one of their stores to have it done.

I would also suggest diving into everything BPD, and why you might be attracted to them. Is it that you might be a codependent like most of us? A white hat cowboy riding in to save her, a knight in armor protecting her, a perfectionist, a people pleaser all conditions of a codependent. Read any books you can find, "i love you, I hate you ... .Don't leave me". The Human Magnet Syndrome" and "Stop walking on Eggshells". All of those you should be able to find at your local library. there are some good resources here and of course the forum that you can come to vent, share your experiences, or seek out guidance from those who have experiences the same thing without fear of judgement.

Be safe, come back as often as you need to

JQ