8 months since the Final Break Up

[seh77]

I find myself really battling my feeling lately for my X GF.  I know the break up is a good thing for me and I am no where near as stressed as I was with her.  But I still find myself missing the GOOD parts of her (or was it her mirroring?)  Either way I find myself wanting to reach out to her.  So I am here instead.  Remembering why we are broken up.  She called me a couple of weeks ago because the dog we had together was sick.  That just brought back so many feelings.  Why after 8 months am I thinking about her so much?  I am so mad at myself at her.

I am trying not to have a moment of weakness and text her.

[valet]

Hey seh77, I'm sorry that you're going through this set of emotions right now. I experienced and continue to experience these residual shockwaves of pain and I'm about 7 months out of my relationship.

You are right. If you are feeling less stress, the the breakup definitely has been good for you. Sometimes we need to be alone to give ourselves a chance to breath. This is also valuable time for introspection, when one is ready for it. I miss the good parts of my ex as well. Although we are friends at the moment, a small piece of me would still like to be there in that same emotional proximity with her. It wants to experience the full extent of that goodness. However, you know what the bad is like. The good will invariably trigger the bad. There is nothing that we can do about this. Only our pwBPD can fix it.

The connection is deep. The love and attention that we were given was probably the most we have ever received in any of our relationships. It's ok to think about this from time to time. It's good to remember the good, but it is equally important to remember the bad. We lose ourselves to the illusion if we fail to stay balanced in this way.

Sometimes it can help to stop battling those feelings. Let them come over you. Identify them and re-assure yourself that they are only feelings. They are finite, a temporary experience that will change into something else. This is painful stuff. It hurts like heck. No one said that it wouldn't.

Maybe thoughts of reaching out to her are actually your subconscious telling you that you need to reach out to it, instead.

[Grey Kitty]

  It is OK to want the good parts back again. I know I do with my wife. We're not currently able to go NC, but I pushed it to LC for quite a few months, then had a spate of heavier unavoidable contact with her. I'm doing.

My head knows that she isn't capable of being in the kind of r/s I want, and has for quite a while. My heart is starting to get it. But I am constantly reminded of things we used to share, things we had done in the past, etc. These days they are usually just bittersweet moments for me. A few months ago, I was much more vulnerable. I count myself lucky that the half-hearted recycle attempts on her part didn't start then!

Longing for the good parts is not the same thing as reaching out to pick up the whole package (good, bad, and toxic) again.

You are strong enough to know the difference and make the right choices.

[gameover]

Value the good.  Internalize it, keep it for yourself.  Life is too short not to value the good.

But that good is yours.  Those awesome feelings?  You generated them.  Those memories?  You own them.  Right now you view your ex as an object that can bring that good back.  She can't.  And the good isn't tied exclusively to her.  It's a part of yourself that can be shared with any number of people.

Your ex will always be a part of you.  But accept that she's a part of your past.  She might've taught you a lot about yourself.  But that knowledge exists even after the teacher is gone.  Keep your head up.

[disorderedsociety]

I understand it feels like it never ends and you're feeling probably pretty crappy, wondering if you made the right decision.

Man its taken me 7 months to get to a point where I don't constantly ruminate. The answers will come in time, trust that.

Just now am I at a point where I'm not filtering everything through the judgmental negativity I picked up from her, criticizing everyone's words and actions.

It takes time, and you'll have days or even weeks when you take a step back into an old cycle of thoughts and feelings related to what happened.

Remember the perception you have of her is all in your mind, it may or may not be true. Remember that your thoughts create your reality.