Need some Experience, Strength and Hope

[HikerGran]

Hello... I've had a really bad day. I've been really depressed and distraught over my daughter. Since figuring out that my daughter has BPD (I'm 99% sure) I've gone from feeling a sense of "relief" though I'm not sure that is the right word, to feeling hopeless, to wanting it all to just disappear...   I thought reading others experiences would help me feel like there's some hope, but it really has done the opposite.  I know I need to change my behavior and my reactions to her irrational behavior.  We are in the middle of another separation from my grandson because I'm to blame for everything and she told my husband "she can't give in because then I'll feel like I have the power."  Another one of those mind blowing statements because that's exactly what she does to me, meaning if I give in she takes advantage of that.   So, I haven't been making any contact, letting her do whatever she needs to do with her latest crisis, and blame throwing coping skills.  She had a car wreck, my grandson got kicked out of daycare, and she stopped going to work instead of trying to get him in somewhere else temporarily while she waits on this gvt' program to start up. I've mentioned this in my other post, but she was a completely different person at work, and they were going to hold her job for her while she worked out where my grandson was going to go (she worked at the daycare where he attended), but she blames the daycare and will probably not go back there... so she's been at home the last couple of weeks... doing god knows what.  I get sick with worry when she pulls this stuff. She had a suicide attempt back around 5 years ago, before getting pregnant.   She blacked out from drinking, and I envision her laying dead in her apartment with my grandson unable to take care of himself, or her killing him too.  It's a really horrible way to live.  I don't know what to do in these situations.  I end up asking my other daughter to check in with her, tell me if she has heard from her, etc... My other daughter get's really tired of her sister's behavior too, but she just backs off and tells her she's not going to put up with it.  My husband and I love our grandson very much. We miss him terribly when she does this to us, and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by him.  I don't know what to say to her when these things happen. How long will it be this time?  What if I did say something... will she start screaming at me, tell me f-off.  We end up just acting like nothing ever happened eventually. We all go on pretending like she doesn't have a problem, until it all blows up again... which doesn't take long.

Does anyone have a similar experience with grandkids? I am so emotionally attached to him that it destroys me every time she does this.  I can't see us ever just shutting him out of our lives because of his mom's sickness.   Oh, and is there a key to all the acronyms you all are using on your posts... I find it hard to understand what your talking about.  sorry.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello HikerGran, 

Welcome to the Parenting board; this is a good place for weary grandmas like yourself... . 

I can hear your sadness and worry in your post. You are not alone, there are grandmas on this site that are going through similar experiences you are going through and we support each other through the hard times and celebrate the good times (as rare and as out of reach as they might appear at times).

Having a child w/BPD is difficult enough, and when there are grandchildren involved, it only adds another layer to the already heavy burden. These little angels are worth it. 

Hang-in there, HikerGran, this valley will also bottom out and you will feel better again... . 

How old is your grandson? Also - does your other daughter not want to communicate with her sister at this point, or is it possible she will check up on her sister?

(So sorry about our incomprehensible abbreviations - you can find them here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

or at the top of your page on the green ribbon under the title "glossary"

[HikerGran]

Thanks Pessim-optimist. Yes, it always bottoms out, but then it's only a matter of time. I really need skills to not let her get me so down every time. Her sister said she was trying to contact her today through Facebook, that she missed her, loved her and wanted to see her.  I'm glad she can say those things to her sister... I don't think I'll ever hear them. She has shown me love... made me a beautiful mom's day card this year... .I guess I should focus on some of those moments, and work on my own communication with her.  My grandson is almost 4. He's the sweetest pea ever!  I love him so, and when she used to say things like I care more about him than her I would say we wouldn't love him so much if we didn't love you so much!  I keep telling her I love her no matter what... but I have also set my boundaries and this is met with rage at times. 

[AVR1962]

I am a grandmother here. My BPD daughter has 3 children and it has been really rocky and scary at times. I too have feared for my grandchildren's safety and welfare. At one point family had decided to do an intervention with my daughter, this was my exhusband's idea but he wanted me to head it which I knew would not go over well. Various family members were talking ho the children weren't being cared for, fed, bathed and as they went off to school she was even not having them go to school. She seemed depressed to me, just sat on the couch all day and watched TV and texted on her phone. Her husband was the one who did everything... .took care of the kids, cleaned the house as much as he could with the little time he had working full time, and cooked the meals and took the kids to school, yet came home on his lunch hour to spend time with my daughter... .incredible! I made a call to Social Services asking them if they could check on the kids and my daughter, told them what I had been told... .I have never lived near my daughter since she moved out. That unfortunately backfired, they went to the house and gave them 24 hours to clean the house before they entered, not sure why. She was MAD but did that change anything? No and SS saw nothing to report.

One of my other daughters lived nearby and was willing to clean her house weekly if I paid, my other daughter's idea. Perhaps not the best of ideas but it was one way the kids actually had more support with my other daughter being willing to be a part of hr life. That lasted about a year and then things went bad between them. My oldest expected the work done and expected her sister to do what she said. It was bizarre.

If your daughter will allow you to have contact with your grandson and will let you spend time with him I would do this s much s possible but if she cuts you out then really there is very little you can do. I had to get to a point where I had to hope my grandchildren could take care of themselves. When family would come to me with horror stories of how my daughter was treating her children I would just ell them that they will make it, they will learn to survive. They are now 9, 12, 15. The oldest is very responsible, a little does type that makes sure everything is done and everyone is cared for. They do adapt.

[pessim-optimist]

it's only a matter of time. I really need skills to not let her get me so down every time.

When you feel like you have some energy and a desire to read up on things, the right-hand panel ----> is a good place to start.

Times in-between, when our children aren't talking to us are especially good to educate ourselves more and arm ourselves with some new skills to improve the chances of better outcomes. When there is quiet, we have more time and a bit more objective view of the situation, away from the push-pull and constant chaos and drama of our children.

There are also many other resources in the Learning Center - you can find Workshops, Articles and Book Reviews there.

And if you are feeling a bit lost (there's lots of stuff around here) feel free to ask, we can point you in the right direction... .

She has shown me love... made me a beautiful mom's day card this year... .I guess I should focus on some of those moments, and work on my own communication with her.

That's a good way to look at it, HikerGran. It is so easy to loose sight of the positive side of our kids and the good times when they are few and far between... .

Also, once you understand the patterns of your daughter's behavior, you will be able to take a step back and take them less personally, which helps (it doesn't hurt as much).

My grandson is almost 4. He's the sweetest pea ever!

They are so sweet at this age, aren't they?

I keep telling her I love her no matter what... but I have also set my boundaries and this is met with rage at times.

That's a good approach, you will find things on this site that will help you do that with more finesse; rages are often par for the course, you don't have to be present for them, they still may happen though, and that's part of the disorder unless/until our children learn better coping skills in therapy.

[understandnow]

Hiker gran I am fairly new at this.  I just want to tell you I to have a uBPD son and Dil with BPD.  They are not talking to most of my family and there are grandchildren we love and are not allowed to see.  I am so sorry you are also going through the pain and worry of your child and grandchildren.  I have been reading books article and everything I can read on this sight.  I am trying to set boundaries and are met with distorted accusations that are really hard to understand.  There is little or no reality to them.  The hardest thing to accept is, their perception is their reality.  They actually refused for us to have contact with them and my Dil complains and texts me that we are happy to see them 3 times a year and what terrible grandparents we are.  I would see them if I could.   Insane and no win situation.  I would suggest setting boundaries for yourself.    She probably will not like it but you can put yourself in a peaceful place.  I am still working on it.  It's hard when there are innocent children involved.  We are all here to support ourselves.  Keep us updated.