New husband enabling my BPD step daughter- ruining marriage

[Girl74]

Hello All fellow Support Members-

Tough one here... Recently married to my husband who had been widowed 14 years ago with two young daughters- mom died of alcoholism and drank with both pregnancies resulting in daughter #1 being born at 6 mos who has cognitive impairment requiring special assistance (is 21 yet operates at about a 10 year old level) daughter #2 is a talented artist musician (now 18) who has maladaptive behaviors incl. compulsive lying, cutting, manipulative suicide threats, impulse control, substance abuse, anxiety, depression and extreme fear of abandonment.  Has had no formal BPD diagnosis- rather her therapist (the most recent one of the week) says she suffers from Post Traumatic Stress syndrome- either way, her behaviors are most easily classified in the borderline category-

She is also extremely enmeshed with her father- who relied on her in many ways through the years as an emotional confidant.  Dad is a eternal optimist and also very much in denial about many black and white facts. Since our wedding in January she started keeping a chart on how many times she cut bc of me and dad and has had several outburst where we have had to call crisis hotlines and contemplated hospitalization.  The situation at home has gotten so bad that I have had to spend prolonged periods if time away bc if her behavior, and more impactful, his reaction to it- in many cases not holding her accountable for disrespectful behavior towards me such as stealing my personal items such as underwear, getting my car impounded, yelling and throwing things screaming that this is her house (not mine) and she was there first etc.  I've been as supportive and involved as I can possibly be- researching, working w professionals, trying to guide dad w books like walking on eggshells etc- it's now gotten to the point where his attitude and behavior in all of this is pushing me out the door-

We've tried to address in counseling but seemingly few are experienced w the traits or impact of borderline behavior in families- her drinking is excessive and dad believes "all teenagers party" and it's normal. It's impacting my two teenage daughters in that they have seen these scary outbursts, often directed towards me, or just knock out drag out fights bt her and dad that include profanity suicide threats cutting etc.

It's all so unhealthy- as long as she gets what she wants how and when she wants it am no one addresses the lies or holds her accountable, there is peace in the home- the minute she does not like something or her manipulative behavior is curbed by raising awareness to dad, all hell breaks loose-

She needs help, (is getting some but no DBT, which is what she needs) but first and foremost he and I need to get our oxygen masks on ourselves so we can be supportive to her by taking care of ourselves first- there is much much more but this summarizes the situation overall.

Just feel incredibly sad alone and frustrated that the first 7 months of our marriage have been unbelievable hard to the point of me taking off rings and saying and believing that I was "done" multiple times- she seems to have the ability to influence his thoughts and behaviors towards me which makes me feel so alone and betrayed- I am currently staying w my sister in Maine bc she feels "stressed" when I'm home.  Please note that while I have addressed her directly on some if the issues such as outbursts lying stealing etc- I have always done so in a kind "hey we need to talk" fashion- never raised my voice or hand to this child- have bent over backwards to accommodate her almost to the point (at times) if kissing her butt.  She is leaving for college next week and my husband believes this will solve the issue and I can come back home then- yet I'm saying no way, I refuse to gloss over this and if he's not willing to address the issues professionally, the marriage is over.

This is one if the hardest things to live with- I'm trying not to resent her or him, yet my patience w the whole situation is running beyond thin- every now and then he acts as if he supports me in front if her, yet in his heart, he is just going through the emotions to appease me.  If my children treated my husband w an ounce of disrespect that she treats me with, there would be significant consequences- yet her behavior continues due to his complacency, denial and overall enablement. 

If anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with this extreme heartbreak, I would be open to listening to just about anything- also, I'm here to help anyone in anyway who might be able to learn from similar experiences etc.

Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

Sounds like you have a lot happening.  Thank you for feeling safe to share with us.

What struck out to me was your oxygen mask theory.  Start there with YOUR mask and continue with your counseling and this board.

Your life has a bit to untangle and in time the unraveling will start.

[thefixermom]

So very painful to read and my heart hurts for you.  My uBPD adult DD has come between my husband (her stepdad) a few times over the last 20 years and I have, at times, struggled with my place in the middle of them... .but I have never and would never, ask him to leave to make her more comfortable unless he was being abusive, drinking, etc., which he wasn't.  Sometimes he would say something he shouldn't have and she would become triggered and at that point I have been known to react to him but again, this is his home and DD had to be made to understand that.  Took her quite awhile, even long after she moved out. But she did accept it finally only because *I* stood my ground and made it clear to her that she could not displace him, otherwise I think to this day she'd still be playing that card.  I hate to say this but upon reading your message, my first and strongest impression is that your husband is living in a fantasy.  My DH has put up with so much from my DD that at times I was grateful and amazed he was still around. That being said, for 18 years " after  my DD moved out" things did not get rosy just because she was no longer under our roof.  There's this thing called a telephone and she used it frequently to keep me stirred up (before I knew and understood about BPD and could be made to feel guilty, ashamed, responsible, etc. for her bad choices and unpaid bills).  Being what I've been through and hopefully come out the other side, I stand by your decision to not just move back in because his DD moves out to college.  Trust your gut. It's looking out for you and your future! And it's looking out for your daughters, too.  This is far from over IMO, in part ,because your husband has reaffirmed that his DD has power over you and comes before you. That's his choice to make and he's free to make it. Now you have to make a choice.

[AVR1962]

I am a stepmom, 26 years with husband, who helped raise my stepsons from the age of 5 & 7, their mom left when the boys were 2 & 4. Neither boy was diagnosed with BPD but I have dealt with a great deal of what you have described in your post. Stealing, starting fires, porn, lies, disrespect and hateful remarks towards me, my daughters were abused by the boys, oldest boy turned out to be a heavy drinker. You get the idea.

How long have you been with husband? You mentioned you recently married. I know you must love your husband but take a real serious look at what this is doing to you and to your daughter(s). You realize this is not healthy and you are correct, there needs to be a great deal of help here. Does your husband listen to you? Is he willing to seek family counseling or couple's counseling so the to of you can work on how to deal with these situations?

My husband wanted to bury his head in the sand and wold not deal with the boys. He was either hot under the collar and mad which made things worse or he did nothing at all which was equally as bad.

The situation is too severe to deal with this yourself.

Be careful, protect yourself and your daughter. There needs to be help here but your involvement without the support of your husband is likely to fall on you and you could become the target. If you become the target or hard feelings, meaning your husband  or step children believe that the only reason you are doing/saying what you are is because you do not like them they will not have to search for their own healing, you become their excuse for their actions. Does that make sense?

The kids have to come to terms that mom is gone. They are more than likely dealing with abandonment issues and this is where they need the help, accepting this and coming to terms with it. Until they do they cannot accept you and this behavior will continue. Your husband also needs to find a different way to react to his children and I hope he will seek the help to do so. You are insightful and this is good but you do have to be careful.

[OutOfEgypt]

As a dad, and as a dad with a step-son who is likely BPD and an ex-wife (his mom) who likely is also, I'll offer some confessions that I hope will be helpful.  

First, when things were tough (in the marriage with my ex-wife, and during the divorce, and even after), I was there for my daughters.  I was their support.  This was, I believe, necessary at some level.  But in some ways they also functioned as a support for me.  And because of that, it was almost like I was married to THEM more than I was married to their mother.  The father-daughter bond is a strange one, and it can become unhealthy pretty easily if not watched.  And I didn't really notice how unhealthy things had become until I remarried.

And now, my wife (who also has her own struggles, like anyone) at first felt jealous.  She also felt like I almost treated my daughters as peers, rather than as children.  She also has struggled with feeling like I let them get away with anything but I stand up firmly to her (my wife) over even the smallest offense.  For years, mostly because I felt bad for them and all they went through with their mom and the divorce, I emotionally validated them to a fault but was short on being an authority for them.  I was more like a security blanket and less like a father who sets firm expectations for their attitudes and behavior.  And after some struggles, I have realized that my wife is absolutely right.  And we have both been changing that over the past months and the change has been hard but very worthwhile.  Last night, I had an argument with my 15 year old about dying her hair.  I told her she needs to dye it back to normal before school starts because dress-code does not permit it.  She argued with me about how it isn't a big deal (even though the school sent her mom an email complaining about it last year).  To make a long story short, I put her in her place.  And she didn't like it.  I was a dad to her, not just a buddy, and she didn't like it.  She typically has a hard time with that, but she also understands that I'm doing the right thing.  She is not BPD, thankfully, but just being an extremely sensitive teenager (as most teenage girls are) is reason enough for her to take things very hard.  She often complains to my wife about how "daddy isn't daddy anymore."  Whether she is trying to manipulate, I have no idea.  I think she is just doing the typical thing of making small things into huge things.  But I know that I'm doing right by her by being more of a father rather than just an emotional support of buddy.  So, I am doing much better at not allowing false-guilt to cripple my resolve.

That transition is hard, and the harder thing as a dad is admitting to how being too doting actually hurts our credibility as fathers and hurts our daughters.  We are selling them short.  :)o we really want them to grow into women who treat their husbands like that?  No way.

So, my advice is to find a way to talk to him about this that is encouraging and understanding.  He probably knows, somewhere in there, that he's short-changing her.  But it is hard to admit to, especially when you've been doing it for such a long, long time.  What probably began as emotionally helping and supporting her turned into enabling her, feeling badly for her, and therefore refusing to actually set any real boundaries.  He's probably afraid of losing her.  He's probably afraid of her hating him.  And his daughter is probably something of a security blanket to him, too.  So, your husband will probably respond best to encouragement and understanding at this point.  I feel for you.  If he was married to an alcoholic, he probably has codependent tendencies, and he if hasn't received help for himself for that then he's probably still living in the dark about any of that being bad. 

To me, this isn't so much about BPD as it is about your husband still feeling bad for his daughter, who has capitalized on it.  And he's done it for so long that he doesn't even feel shock at her behavior any longer.  It is hard to move into a marriage with a man who has been single with daughters.  It's like you're moving in on a man who is already married to someone else.  I feel for you.  And I'm certain this makes you feel second-best, because in that state there is no way he can put you or the marriage first, even though that is what being married means.