Learning the scale of lies and deceit 6 months after xuBPD death

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

My xuBPD managed to kill herself in January. I don't know if it was deliberate or accidental.

After speaking to others that knew her I'm finding out the sheer scale of lies and deceit that was her life.

Even though she is dead I still feel very angry with her for all the lies and hurt that she has caused me and others and it is hindering the natural grieving process of losing someone.

I'm feeling angry with her right now. To sum her up would be this:

Each and every time she would find the most stupid thing to do in a situation. No wisdom. No capacity to learn from past mistakes.

[castillo]

Hi,

My xuBPD managed to kill herself in January. I don't know if it was deliberate or accidental.

After speaking to others that knew her I'm finding out the sheer scale of lies and deceit that was her life.

Even though she is dead I still feel very angry with her for all the lies and hurt that she has caused me and others and it is hindering the natural grieving process of losing someone.

I'm feeling angry with her right now. To sum her up would be this:

Each and every time she would find the most stupid thing to do in a situation. No wisdom. No capacity to learn from past mistakes.

[Pretty Woman]

I am so sorry you are going through this   I can't imagine.

I understand the anger you are experiencing. I am finding out more and more lies 3mo out of my relationship with a uBPDex, even some regarding myself being abusive and cruel (all projection).

These relationships really screw us up. We contribute by staying in them but they are so destructive. It's like she took the easy way out and now you are left alone with all this to process.

I understand the anger. Just know that in itself is part of the greiving process (anger). Keep posting and processing my friend. Again, I am sorry you are going through this.


PW

[castillo]

Just to add.

I found out after her death the following:

That she had lied 6 years ago about having cervical cancer just after replacing me with a married man. I now realise this was to keep me from "leaving" her even though she had replaced me.

6 years ago just the two if us were in a restaurant and all she could do the whole time was text her new married man boyfriend. I was livid and almost walked out, but held in this disrespectful behaviour because I felt sorry for her because she had "cervical cancer"

Stood me up last New Years Eve for the next replacement who was a drug dealer who had been kicked out of the YMCA where she was now living.

The drug dealer and me were likely to have both been "recycled" a few times in the last year of her life.

Lied about her alcohol addiction.

Treated a decent man 20 years her senior like total crap even though he bailed her out and stopped counting at £23,000. He eventually was diagnosed with prostate cancer and only has a few months to live.

She wanted so much sympathy for her fake cervical cancer yet had absolutely no empathy for what this terminally ill man was going through even though he was so good to her.

Her nickname for him was "Freak"

Claimed her family in another country was wealthy when in fact they were very poor.

I could go on all day. Sorry for this, I need to vent this somewhere.

[Pretty Woman]

That's the hardest part about this... .

you were in love with something that never really existed. You were in love with a consumate actress. That is why you get so angry. Once we realize how badly we were lied to the anger is natural. We were deceived and duped. It's like playing "make believe" as children... .only with grown-ups. It's all very childish and immature. How are we expected to have an adult, loving relationship with those whose mentality is that of a child.

We can't. We need to figure out WHY we were attracted to that. That is OUR issue.

[castillo]

Thanks PW.

Before I was aware of BPD that's exactly what I felt I was dealing with - a child in an adult body - even though she was 43 years old. I estimated that I was dealing with someone who emotionally was about 5 years old.

She would've been 44 on 08/08/15 and it has brought it all back. I've just finished 6 bereavment councelling sessions, but I was not able to vent and I feel the need to.

I'd known her for 7 years and dated her in the beginning, but after a few months could see something was seriously wrong with her, but knew very little on mental health.

After being dropped for the married man less than a year later, my pride would never allow her to become my girlfriend again, but I would be her friend - though there was the occasional sexual encounter between us.

This time last year she told me that she'd "lost her chance" with me due to her past with the married man - so there is *some* understanding of right and wrong going on there.

At the same time last year she was making sexual advances on me, but her illness was getting worse with her having sexual dreams of her dead father, sleepwalking and being "sectioned" - a term in the UK for the authorities to detain a person in mental health difficulties.

I gently turned these sexual advances down as I felt this would bring us closer and she would unrealistically look upon me as her saviour when her only saviour was going to be herself.

We arranged to spend New Years Eve together. Speaking the day before she was goign to spend it alone, so I cancelled plans with other friends to spend NYE with her.

Ringing her at 6:30pm on NYE she cancelled saying that she was spending NYE with a female friend. I didn't believe her and it is most likely she spent NYE with the drug dealer.

I hung up on her and a text arguement ensued. She would not accept that was she was doing was wrong and said I would be the first to make contact again as I always do. This is not true and I would say it is 50/50

I took this that she felt she could behave as bad as she liked with no consequence from myself. My pride would not allow this and I said things I now wish I had not.

I told her that if she could not respect me then I could not respect her and that if she contacted me again I would make fun of her mental health and her alcoholism.

I told her that I had violent thoughts about hurting her and that no girl had ever made me so angry as to think those thoughts.

I was lying and had no such violent thoughts, but I was desperate to convey to her how serious this was. I was feeling emasculated.

After reflecting on the last two messages I was ashamed of my own behavior and realised that this had gone beyond the point of no return. This relationship had to end.

I sent her a final message warning her never to contact me again and that if she did contact me again then I would make a complaint to the police for harassment and for her to be issued with a harassment warning.

This was for me just as much as for her. It meant now that even if I wanted to I now couldn't contact her.

3 week later after downing a bottle of vodka and cider chasers with a female friend who may also be BPD she jumped off a train station platform onto the track and sat on the rail.

It was in the evening and dark.

A non stopping train came throught the station at 100mph and struck her into the path of another train that was stopping at the station.

[Pretty Woman]

I am soo very, very sorry. That is a horrific story and I know you are feeling guilt for your last words.

This was NOT your fault.  BPD's are impulsive, promiscuous... .they do not have a moral compass.

Your story reeks of why one shouldn't be friends with a BPD after a relationship.  You still get hurt and now get to hear about their sexual liasons with other people.

I don't wish their struggles on anyone yet a BPD not in treatment is a danger to themselves and all around them.

Listen, before I knew my sister was terminal with cancer, I told my stepmom (she was my stepsister) how terrible she treated me. I had no idea she was dying. I received a letter from her on her deathbed actually belittling and threatening me.

My sister was an angry, sad person. Would I have said anything had I known she was dying? No... .but not because she did not deserve to hear it, to know how poorly she treated me, but she was going through chemo, memory loss and other issues and I possess compassion and empathy for that. But I can't change that. I can't change what happened.  It took time to forgive myself and you will too.  You did not push her onto those tracks... .

she did this to herself.

[castillo]

Yes, those final words do haunt me.

Her friend told me that day all she could talk about was the film "Lucy" - the one about only using 10% of your brain and how Lucy used 100% and became an indestrucable superbeing. I took her to see that film at the cinema.

That day she was imagining herself to be Lucy. Was she in a drunked delusional state? I don't know.

Did she think she was the indestrucable Lucy when she got on the tracks?

Was she having these delusional thoughts of being indestructable as a result of my last messages with her?

[Pretty Woman]

You will never know why she did this.

I know it's killing you inside and you want to know... .but you won't.



Thing is this... .you are still here. What is Castillo going to do with his life?

[castillo]

Well the last 4 years of my life has been one hell of a steep learning curve when it comes to learning about psychology.

Looking back previous girlfriends and dates have had BPD like traits. One, maybe two of those also may have been full blown BPD or HPD.

I've asked myself why this is and the answer seems to be that I'm a safe and sensible kind of guy and I'm attracted to girls that have a wilder side to them to bring out some of that wildness and excitement in me.

However, I've learnt that the wildness is often a symptom of a mental health issue.   

As well as the xuBPD to deal with I've also been a whistleblower of bullying and employee fraud at work. I stood up for a colleague who was being bullied by my line manager and his side kick. Once they had made him leave they then turned on me.

I whistleblew on the bullying of the colleague and myself and also my suspicions of my line managers fraud.

The Director ignored my whistleblowing and my life became hell for 9 months until I whistleblew on he fraud for a second time when the Director was on vacation - meaning his Director had to deal with it. They investigated, found the fraud and fired him.

Meanwhile his side kick carried a lot of political influence in the company and verbally abused me with the Directors turning a blind eye to it.

The whistleblowing made me a pariah at work and no one wanted to talk to me so eventually I signed a non disclosure agreement to go.

3 years later I attended court as a prosecution witness as the company has reported the matter to the police.

He was found guilty of fraudulently obtaining goods worth £25,000 and was given a one year suspended prison sentence.

My former line manager scared the bejesus out of me a few months after I started. I saw things in him that I'd never seen in anyone else on such a high scale.

He positively enjoyed hurting and ruining people - and a hell of a lot more.

He is what started my journey researching personality disorders and he showed the traits of a sociopath.

His sidekick was in a band - which he always bragged about and showed the traits of NPD.

I've sought contract work - jumping from one contract to another - instead of permanent jobs to put this nasty event as far down my CV as possible. I've done nothing wrong, but employers will hold this against me if they find out about it.

My last contract ended in June and I've taken a 2 month break to get my head sorted. I'm also working on relocating back to where I was born where the pace of life is slower and people are simpler to deal with.

[HappyNihilist]

  Hi, castillo, and welcome to the family. It helps to talk.

I'm sorry you've been dealing with all of this. Losing your ex to suicide, and then discovering how she lied throughout her life - either one would be difficult on its own.

You're also struggling with your own actions and behavior at the end of the relationship. We're only human, and we've all done things we regret, said things we wish we hadn't said. Her committing suicide was her choice alone.

It's ok to feel anger. Venting can be cathartic. Let yourself feel your feelings.

Looking back previous girlfriends and dates have had BPD like traits. One, maybe two of those also may have been full blown BPD or HPD.

I've asked myself why this is and the answer seems to be that I'm a safe and sensible kind of guy and I'm attracted to girls that have a wilder side to them to bring out some of that wildness and excitement in me.

However, I've learnt that the wildness is often a symptom of a mental health issue.   

It's great that you're looking back and seeing your patterns. A lot of people here have been in multiple dysfunctional relationships.

It's very important, when we realize that we are engaging in unhealthy relationships, to explore ourselves and try to discover what it is that causes the attraction.

You say that you're attracted to 'wildness' because you want some of those characteristics yourself. What in particular are you searching for? Is there a way you can develop these parts of yourself for yourself, without relying on others? Maybe it's just not in your nature to be 'wild.' How can you find excitement and joy internally?

Take care of yourself. 

[castillo]

I don't it is me particulary going after or attracted to a certain personality type. I think for me is that these personality types will pursue me.

Normal girls are more reticent with dating whereas pwBPD will chase and pursue a man they are attracted to - which would make encounters more frequent than the percentage of the population that are BPD.

[SGraham]

I don't it is me particulary going after or attracted to a certain personality type. I think for me is that these personality types will pursue me.

Normal girls are more reticent with dating whereas pwBPD will chase and pursue a man they are attracted to - which would make encounters more frequent than the percentage of the population that are BPD.

Yikes, i know it's unlikely but that still scares me.