Supervision and Respite Care

[mamamonkey5]

Hi,

My daughter is 15. She does not do well with vacations/changes in location and routine for the family, even just one day events, things we might go do for fun she can get worked up about and ruin. Often times when some thing is approaching she acts out and things get revved up around here. (I am learning though so I hope that I can find ways to manage this and not let things escalate. I have a lot to learn, as I am just now figuring out that what is going on with my daughter is likely mental illness.)

Anyways... .with her being only 15, and she has proven to make poor decisions and be wreckless in her behavior (sneaking out of the house at 14 to walk five miles to be intimate with a boy for example.) I don't feel comfortable leaving her unsupervised, yet at times she is so unpleasant she really ruins an experience for the rest of the family. If often leaves us staying home, missing out, and bitter and resentful. She can't be trusted as she lies, and takes every opportunity she can to do things she's not supposed to do.

I have often wished I had a babysitter for her. Does anyone else have similar feelings? Do you ever just need a break, or want to have a nice day with your family without having to bring the mental illness along for the ride? I am thinking about this a lot lately, I guess in part because it is summer, and there is more going on, and because we are going out of town for three nights in a few days and I dread having to deal with her behavior in front of our family friends who we are vacationing with.

I wish she wasn't going with us! I feel guilty about that too, but it's true. Our daughter is an "angel" in front of others, though as she gets older and things get worse she has a more difficult timing hiding what she's capable of. And that's part of the problem too. Other people don't see it, so I feel crazy. I don't even know how I'd hire a babysitter for her because they would come and she would be wonderful and they'd love her and think I was insane.

Some times I just need a break and I feel so stuck.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

Hi Mamamonke,

At 15 your daughter is too young and definitely immature to be left alone for more than a short time. If her behavior is such that she ruins things for the rest of the family, I see no problem with hiring an adult sitter. You don't have to explain why or have them agree with you about her behavior. If she acts like an angel with the sitter, all the better. The sitter makes easy money, you have a nice time, and maybe your daughter learns a bit about boundaries. If your daughter is truly upset over changes in routine, I would get her into therapy if you haven't already done so. Life is all about change, and she needs to start learning how to handle it to be a successful adult.

[DisneyMom]

My DD is 16. I have another DD who is 13, not diagnosed, but can also have big challenges. I would not take them on a vacation with extended family or friends. That's way too stressful and hard, even without mental illness. If you have a partner, and can take turns going with other people, that's what i would do. We break up traveling quite a bit, and do much less having all 4 of us go together. DH and I are fortunate to have grandparents that will take our kids. There have been a few challenges, but sometimes they can hold it together for short periods of time, like a weekend, or long weekend, in someone else's home.

[mamamonkey5]

Thanks for the replies. We only go for three nights, and each family stays in their own individual little cabins.

I agree it's okay if she is good for the sitter, and it would be better even, I just worry that I'm going to look like a total jerk asking some one to stay home with this child while the rest of the family goes and does some thing fun if they don't know or understand WHY that is. We did have one family vacation without her a few years ago. It was by her choice though. She was given the option to stay behind with grandma or come with us, and she wanted to stay behind. She enjoyed the one on one attention, and had a good time. We did too... .

We did start therapy with our daughter and went for several visits. It was the family therapist that suggested BPD to us, and we are going for further assessment as soon as we can. She did well while we were going to therapy, but as soon as we made the decision as the therapists recommendation to not schedule another appointment and spend some time working with the tools we had gained and see how we did etc she regressed within 3 days, literally. It was like we had never gone.

[meantcorn34]

I don't think the why is anyone's business.

[js friend]

Hi Mammamonkey,

There is no problem leaving your child with someone while you take a well earned rest with the rest of the family. If your dd is anything like mine at that age she wont want to go anyway. Just try to make sure the person you get to babysit is mature and wise to your dds probable antics.

I used to use dd's cousin to babysit which turned out to be a bad move in hindsight as she turned out as being very immature (... .she is 8 yrs older than dd) She went along with a lot of dd's bad behaviour and they became very enmeshed.