So he brought me soup and Gatorade after his class amid my 100.4 temp (down from 101.9 2 days ago). People are sympathizing with me about the illness, and I'm actually thankful because it's bringing us (literally) together more than we've been in months! I can't complain too much other than being super broke from having to cancel lessons.
Here's the exchange (edited down) and I want to show how it's possible to partially still function with SET and Affirm even with a fever, and when I let myself get pulled into the muck, how I can pull out again. Not perfect by any stretch, but showing more consistency.
Me: "Thank you so much, [his nickname]. The soup is perfect." [only thing I can manage to keep down in days]
Him: "Welcome [my nickname]"
"My pleasure"
"Remember this word even though life is blink." [not sure if he meant "blank," or talking about "blink of an eye", either way I don't understand]
"Mission"
[ewww. I Hate this. He used to tell me all the time I'm his mission. I tried to get him to change it to "destiny" and told him "mission" sounds like he looks at me like a fixer-upper. I want to be a partner, not one for him to have pity on!]
Me: "some day you'll see why I don't like that word. But for now, thanks."
Him: "[my name] can you tell me right now?"
"If I knew I wouldn't have to tell you that" [meaning wouldn't have told you that]
"Sorry"
Me: "[his nickname] right now my head hurts a lot. I'm needing to sleep. We'll talk. I just wish you could understand the idea of a team instead of competitors." [INVALIDATING, I know, especially for an extremely excellent athlete]
Him: "Ho sorry I didn't think we are in the same thought of words"
"Just try to sleep stop reading"
[and here I bring up marriage counseling in response to his several questions about immigration and the fact that they will need to see proof that we have undertaken counseling for a minimum of 6 months, but the messages crossed and I didn't see his first]
Me: "That's why I want so much to understand you. Why I always asked you to help me understand. We think differently, and we need someone to help us understand the differences and what it means."
"Ok, goodnight'
Him: "[my name] I asked you counseling before you didn't want to follow that way and wanted me to go to see your pastors or leave the house. Now you ask me to set up things. Why? [my nickname] I'm ready for everything I just know the real thing of everything happened I loved you and sincerely even though some of your friends told I'm a fraud. Then let's wait until the judge call us." [first, he set up the initial session as mentioned and never went again. I went to the follow-up as provided. His "I'm ready for everything" is like "come at me!" or a dare]
Me: [explaining that I did go to counseling and he refused to go ever again]
"I'm going to start counseling with or without you."
Him: "Cause you ordered your little boy to leave or accept" [uh-oh, here it is]
Me: "Every day I put my freedom on the line and risk a huge fine which will bankrupt me, because I refuse to report the divorce like I'm required to." [because they will arrest him and deport him, which he knows]
"[his name] you are not a little boy. You are a man"
Him: "Menace?" [I don't understand this]
"I'm not afraid anymore of anything since I'm here your friends told you to report me as. Even when she told me 'Ptilda told me she beat you but me and my husband went through most things and this and that'" [just realized what he's talking about. One of my pastor's wives is who he is convinced has it in for him. She told him "[Ptilda] admitted she hit you too" again, once in self-defense. NOT "beat." And she went through it where her husband beat her like mine did me . . . just constant twisting!]
Me: "What are you talking about?" [just got it now, not then]
Him: "I don't care you report me I'm the looser I left and seel my stuff to come here and congrats with your EX" [here we go with that again]
"HITS" [now he's talking in caps because then maybe I'll believe it this time]
Me: "Ok [his name]. I will go to counseling. I'm not forcing you. I'm asking you FOR YOUR SAKE" [maybe he reads better in caps too? haha]
Him: "BELITTLING"
Me: "Goodnight"
Him: "AND MORE"
Me: "Yes"
"Yes you're right"
"All of that you did to me" [I couldn't stop it. It just squeaked out and hit the "send" button!]
Him: "You know what I will always try my best in everything as I said do whatever you want to do" [he keeps asking me what I want to do. I keep telling him counseling and he says (and has always said), "it's too late for that"]
"May God have my soul" [a little drama to make sure it takes effect]
Me: "I'm sick [his name]. I can't be talking about this'
Him: "What did I do to you"
"I know but why you started?"
Me: "It hurts me when you call me your mission."
Him: "You're not I just said I'll always love you no matter what symbolic of what God did. Isn't it to strong to say? But it's true" [TRANSLATION? Please? I have no idea]
Me: "Won't you try to see my heart? It's all I ask."
Him: ":)id you try mine? Before I was enfranchised?"
"Even now"
"But let's wait until things go in there way"
"You even told my friends and family you won't sign any paper for me." [I actually did not say this at all. I said I don't KNOW what to do]
"Then it's okay then I have no favor from you not declare the marriage as fraud or not or you don't sign for me"
"Life is what it is"
"I got what I deserved when you under evaluated"
"That's what you knew as your power since I came 'stupid you're here in the states of [our state] because of me' that's what you told me" [true, in outburst after he berated me for nearly an hour, recording me (I later learned) trying to get me to react so that he could "prove" that I said bad things, and he said something stupid about not needing me to be here in the states and I tried to emphasis that he was in the states BECAUSE he wanted to be with me! Argh. It's exhausting]
Me: "Thank you for helping me. I really can't understand what you're writing [no lie]. It's hard for me to read because my eyes hurt from the headache [small lie]"
Him: "Then ok stop as you started"
Me: "You're right Jean, I said that. I felt hurt and cornered and betrayed and you were trying to make me confess something I never did" [messages crossing again]
"I'm trying"
Him: "Not true I never even want to talk that's why you beat me" [mixing his situations. When he recorded me, he was totally interviewing and pounding me with demanding question one after the other. The time I hit his leg and chest in the car, THAT was after nearly 3 months of pretty consistent ST until he needed something]
"Cause I didn't wanted to talk"
"Before you told me that"
Me: "Ok [his name]. I know you believe that I beat you, but I have a very different memory and am able to prove it as well. It's important that we face these things as adults and speak about them without getting angry, so that neither one of us suffers more unnecessary damage."
"But when I feel better"
Him: "Baby do you have any memory disease?" [this made me laugh! First he calls me "baby" and he now wants to say that I have some cognitive issues. Wow]
Me: "no love"
"I offered to go get a psychological evaluation with you, but they said they needed you to come as a witness to tell what you said I was lying about and you refused."
"My memory is actually excellent. Almost photographic."
Him: "How can you forget about what you said and did"
"?"
Me: [detailed explanation of the TWO times I hit him, once in self-defense and once after 3 months of him saying, "this is the way our relationship will be from now on, when I have something for you to do, you'll do it, and the rest of the time you'll leave me alone and won't talk to me or bother me." Yeah, girl went a little off her rocker]
Him: "4 times baby I got the date in my head baby"
"I know you won't stop lying but I really love you anyhow"
"And won't stop loving you even though it might kill me" [here's this again]
[more attempted explanation by me]
Me: "Thank you for your love [his name]. It will not kill you"
"but your stubbornness might"
Him: "Me? I have no body to talk about my stuff cause i have ethics" [he believes not sharing your feelings is "ethical" and it's unfortunately a shared mindset with Haitians. But then he smears things all over his Facebook page for all to see! Starting fights with my family, talking about me trying to kill him, etc.]
Me: "I love you so much. Even though as you warned me, you're a very hard man to love"
"[his name] it's not about ethics not to talk about feelings. That is a bad things. We need to talk"
Him: "Anyway don't be tired you win"
"keep lying"
Me: "talking about feelings is healthy"
"never lied"
"outside my character" [except for the tiny one mentioned above]
Him: "And know what don't call me anymore when you have things happened it's like you want to trapped me down still" [here we go again. HE contacted me and offered to bring me food]
[bla bla bla]
Me: "I just want a solution. Divorce is not a good solution without trying 6 months of counseling first. I have been researching this and speaking with lawyers and all sorts of people trying to avoid any more trouble for you than you already caused for yourself"
"It makes me sad"
"Because I know you are a great man and you lost yourself somewhere."
[bla bla bla]
Me: "[his name]"
"I'm sorry. I know that arguing won't help. I feel frustrated that we are back to this all over again. But I know it's therapy that will help these things. For both of us."
Him: "I have no help here anyhow with the power you have I'll be always the loser that why you keep me under pressure"
"U win"
Me: "That's what I was talking about. We are on teh same team. We are not opponents. We either win together or lose together."
"I take no more than fifty percent of the responsibility. You take no more than fifty percent. We work together"
Him: "No you win"
Me: "Ok [his name] maybe you're right."
[bla bla bla]
Me: "I can imagine it feels very frustrating for you"
****4 HOURS LATER****
Him: "
how can you asked me to go to counseling while you keep lying? [insert his version of physical altercation where I yelled, punched and ran and he did nothing but bleed and I gave myself the bruises] I'm not an imbecile as you said. [NEVER did I say this. I don't even use that word] I save teh 4 dates you hit me and I can prove that" [telling them the dates of when you claim I hit you, does not prove anything and I have police reports, so . . . witness reports, character references, etc.]
Me: "You're not an imbecile, [his name]"
THE END (for now)
I included the whole dang thing because I want people to see that there are little ways even after we allow ourselves to get sucked in (I'm good at that), we can pull back.
But can anyone else understand why he and I have a communication problem? The man speaks in riddles when he's trying to play lawyer! It's exhausting. He talks a whole lot without saying a dag nabit thing!
