Out of Nowhere 3

[MaroonLiquid]

I got an email this morning from my wife's attorney regarding the divorce that included a standard ":)iscovery Request".  It says I have 30 days to respond.  Interesting that I receive this the weekend I have my children.  When she pulls stunts, it's usually on Friday when I have my biological kids.  This explains more of my wife's behavior the last week or so.  She get's this way when contacted by her attorney.  Man she is weak.  We had such a good summer.  I'm not going to change anything I'm doing, how I'm treating her, and I'm not going to talk to her about them.  I went to pick our daughter up from her house last night before practice.  She invited me in for dinner and it was very pleasant.  I hugged our daughter when she told me she made the volleyball team.  I told her I was proud of her and that I loved her in front of my wife, she said I love you back and my wife smiled as if it made her happy.  I even told my wife that I enjoyed her cooking.  I noticed two days ago she removed me from our daughter's friends list on Facebook.  Weird thing is she didn't remove me from our son's. 

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[Notwendy]

ML, I have no idea about these things, but at one point, if someone wants a divorce and the other person does not- can this be done one -sided. It seems like your wife keeps pushing this, and although you don't want it, how long can this go on?

I have seen some couples drag out a divorce for years. It seems the only winner in these cases are the lawyers who get paid for all of it. I've seen couples go through all their savings in these things.

One of my questions, is that I assume your finances are combined and each time the lawyer gets into this, it is costing you.  At what point does it not make sense to continue?

Even if your wife is just posturing, this sounds like an expensive endeavor.

[sweetheart]

Hi ML,

What does the email actually mean?

[MaroonLiquid]

ML, I have no idea about these things, but at one point, if someone wants a divorce and the other person does not- can this be done one -sided. It seems like your wife keeps pushing this, and although you don't want it, how long can this go on?

I have seen some couples drag out a divorce for years. It seems the only winner in these cases are the lawyers who get paid for all of it. I've seen couples go through all their savings in these things.

One of my questions, is that I assume your finances are combined and each time the lawyer gets into this, it is costing you.  At what point does it not make sense to continue?

Even if your wife is just posturing, this sounds like an expensive endeavor.

Basically, my wife hired the attorney and it is costing her the money.  Not me.  We have separate finances and households.

Hi ML,

What does the email actually mean?

Basically it's just some forms asking basic questions about what I have, if I've paid for anything, etc.  it's not a big deal and it says to please respond within 30 days.  What it explains is her actual behavior the last week regarding pulling back.  She knew it was coming I guess.  It's almost like every several months they contact her and she freaks out, feels guilty and is too weak of a person right now to say she doesn't want it.  As good as things have been between us, it makes sense as to why she feels guilty.

[Notwendy]

It's her money, I guess, but it seems like an expensive way to be angry... .

So for my own curiosity- how long can this go on? Is it not possible for one person to get divorced without the agreement of the other? I would think this had to be possible as a spouse could be abusive, mentally ill, or unable/unwilling to consent, yet there could be good reason for the divorce.

I see in your case where you have a point in not going through with it, but legally, can she anyway?

[MaroonLiquid]

It's her money, I guess, but it seems like an expensive way to be angry... .

So for my own curiosity- how long can this go on? Is it not possible for one person to get divorced without the agreement of the other? I would think this had to be possible as a spouse could be abusive, mentally ill, or unable/unwilling to consent, yet there could be good reason for the divorce.

I see in your case where you have a point in not going through with it, but legally, can she anyway?

Technically, she can set a day for "trial" if she so chooses.  In this state, they have to try to get you to mediation first.  She can go through with it even though I'm contesting it.  I still think this is more about getting a rise out of me.  Even if she goes all the way through with it, I will be fine. 

[MaroonLiquid]

Had a meeting for softball today.  My wife showed up and the last few times we have seen each other, there has been no physical affection.  One interesting thing was our daughter came and put her head on my shoulder and my wife smiled.  Occasionally honey will slip out of our mouths.  I have tried to be very "middle of the road" with my emotions.  I don't tell her I love her and haven't in a few weeks.  We had lunch together and she stared at me and we talked.  Sometimes I feel like there is things she wants to say but won't (good things.  Maybe she won't, because it is contrary to the current situation.  There were times when I wanted to grab her and kiss her, but I didn't.  It's very hard at times to not say things.  At the end, our daughter hugged me and my daughter hugged her.  We didn't hug, didn't try to hug her and we went our separate ways.  Outside of softball the last few days, there has been no communication and I'm ok with that.  It's hard.  I do want to share some affection with my wife, but not a humongous deal at the moment.

[MaroonLiquid]

     After a softball tournament yesterday, I went home and relaxed.  I called my wife regarding something about softball and we talked for 2-1/2 hours.  We haven't talked at length like that in a very long time.  She told me some things that were hard to hear, but no less true.  Nothing rude, but she does understand me better than anyone else (and vice versa).  I validated those things as best as I could and had to keep from being triggered, taking deep breaths, staying mindful, and not feel like I was being attacked.  It was a majority about softball, but near the end of the conversation, I gave her a big thank you.  I told her how proud I was of her for how hard she has worked in organizing the back office stuff for this team.  I told her that even though she hates the moniker of "team mom", she has taken over a lot of those responsiblities and done well.  She said, "Yes, thank you, and thank you for not calling me the team mom... .I hate that".  I said, "I know, but you have accepted those responsibilities as they are part of the "job" and you have run with them.  I'm proud of you for that!"  I also thanked her for spending all afternoon yesterday searching stores and buying cleats that were on sale for the team.  In a very sweet voice, she said, "Thank you for noticing.  You're welcome."  I could tell it validated her, and she appreciated that said those things.  I didn't want to let that conversation pass without acknowledging that.  Right before we hung up, "I said, goodnight honey."  She said, "Goodnight.", but there was an "air" that she wanted to say more, but didn't.  I didn't either.  I have really tried to stick to the idea that Formflier has put out about leaving her wanting more.  

    It's weird.  Each of the last two times I have received something from her lawyer, I haven't reacted, blown up, been triggered, but instead stayed calm, lovingly detached, and tried to see her pulling back for what it is.  I am truly trying to see things from her point of view and try to empathize with her feelings.  Both times, she knew those things from her lawyer were coming, and I'm sure there was some "shame" associated with that on her part and why she pulled back.  Both times, I could have been pissed, reacted negatively, and it wouldn't have gotten me anywhere.  I understand that at times, she wants the divorce, and at times, she doesn't.  I believe she is very confused.  I'm truly trying to handle this in the best way I can, in a loving way, and without being a doormat.  Each time I have received something from her lawyer, we end up making some sort of progress and things get "better".  After the initial contact from her lawyer, things got exponentially calmer and better between us and we spent way more time together.  Things with the kids got better.  I'm wondering where this goes now and how it continues to get better.  Also, both sets of communication by her lawyer are "Non-committal" to ending the marriage.  No date for a hearing has ever been set or discussed.  Maybe she is being "non-committal" on ending the marriage with her lawyer and he is sending some form of communication to try and keep it moving and seeing what she wants that way?  Anyone have any thoughts on this?          

[Fian]

The lawyer works for your wife.  He cannot move forward on the divorce proceedings unless that is what she wants.  While I have never been through a divorce, I find it hard to believe that a lawyer would push a client to divorce.

[MaroonLiquid]

The lawyer works for your wife.  He cannot move forward on the divorce proceedings unless that is what she wants.  While I have never been through a divorce, I find it hard to believe that a lawyer would push a client to divorce.

You're right and let me rephrase that as I don't think I came across very clear.  I think she is giving him the same mixed messages she is giving me.  I don't think she is in contact with him all that often.  That is only the second time in 4 months that I have heard from her lawyer.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think she is pushing it very hard.  If she really and truly was sold out to this thing, she would set a date for mediation and "trial" which is all in her control.  She hasn't.  There is a reason for that.  She dysregulates when she hears from him because she doesn't know what she wants.  Instead of her being honest with him and saying, "I need some time" or "I don't want this", we all know that pwBPD don't handle pressure very well and therefore she takes the path of least resistance with him.  That path of least resistance is to get them off her back.  By doing something "non-threatening" (Standard Discovery Request Form when we have no real assets or children, just debt), that gets them off her back.  In her eyes, that buys her more time.  Maybe I'm looking through rose colored glasses, but again, if she truly wanted to end this, she would have set a date for mediation and trial and she can do that without my cooperation.  Actions speak louder than words in this case.