Back to square one

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was doing so well and now I'm stuck. I was in a relationship with a female that was diagnosed with BPD. I met her at work and we quickly became very close. She smothered me with love and I treated her like a queen. We dated for almost three years and it faded quickly at the end with her leaving me.

I am stuck and I am sad and angry that she left, over 9 months ago. She stopped by once about 4 months ago and spent the night. I thought we might be headed back together and then I found out she was out all night. I texted her a farewell and I have not contacted her since.

I can't stop thinking about her and how I miss her. I'm in counseling and it is helping but I can't seem to get past this phase of the break up.

[Joe1290]

I was doing so well and now I'm stuck. I was in a relationship with a female that was diagnosed with BPD. I met her at work and we quickly became very close. She smothered me with love and I treated her like a queen. We dated for almost three years and it faded quickly at the end with her leaving me.

I am stuck and I am sad and angry that she left, over 9 months ago. She stopped by once about 4 months ago and spent the night. I thought we might be headed back together and then I found out she was out all night. I texted her a farewell and I have not contacted her since.

I can't stop thinking about her and how I miss her. I'm in counseling and it is helping but I can't seem to get past this phase of the break up.

[sas1729]

Hey,

I dated my BPDex for 2.5 years. I'm over eight months out myself. Seeing your ex certainly could have triggered memories, especially if she spent the night and all the familiarity of your relationship was momentarily relived.

In my experience there really is no easy way to get past the initial stage of healing. What worked for me, and it took work, was to consciously remember the painful and bad parts. There were many times that something nice, like a birthday or an anniversary, were marred by a fight. It hurts to have to think about the bad parts, because the pain was real. Emotions of regret, disbelief, and a certain disappointment in myself flared during these moments. But with time, they faded more into an opportunity to be introspective. Why did I allow myself to be treated like that? Etc.

It will get easier, but it's hard at first since you have to remember the bad parts. With time you will convince yourself that you shouldn't be treated this way, and then you can move onto the introspective phase. At least that's how it worked for me. It sounds strange to say this, but I have little emotion attached to those 2.5 years. It's like a distant haze, and whatever I pick out of it I examine with clinical disinterest. It's strange to think that something that I was so involved in is now worthless other than as a learning experience.

For every nice memory there is at least one bad one, and that contributes to allowing me to let go. Stay strong and remember that you're looking out for yourself. You are brave to have come this way nine months out.

One more point. Trying to rationalize BPD traits, or hope that your ex has the same emotional response as you do, is futile. It's hard to say this and it's hard to accept it. But it is a PD and expecting the same emotional framework that you have does not apply. It doesn't sound like you're wondering what she's thinking, and I think that's a good thing. It doesn't sound like you're seeking closure from her, which I think is another thing that is practically impossible to achieve. So all in all it sounds like you are doing great and you should be proud of yourself. You're looking out for your best interests, and that shows a strength of character that is admirable. I think many nons are compassionate people, and the experience that we went through dating a pwBPD teaches us to be confident in ourselves. Compassion and confidence is a powerful combination, and if anything remember that you have it.

[Joe1290]

Thank you so much! I know what you express is true. I know that it was hell, prison like. Thanks for the advice!

[seang]

Hey,

I dated my BPDex for 2.5 years. I'm over eight months out myself. Seeing your ex certainly could have triggered memories, especially if she spent the night and all the familiarity of your relationship was momentarily relived.

In my experience there really is no easy way to get past the initial stage of healing. What worked for me, and it took work, was to consciously remember the painful and bad parts. There were many times that something nice, like a birthday or an anniversary, were marred by a fight. It hurts to have to think about the bad parts, because the pain was real. Emotions of regret, disbelief, and a certain disappointment in myself flared during these moments. But with time, they faded more into an opportunity to be introspective. Why did I allow myself to be treated like that? Etc.

It will get easier, but it's hard at first since you have to remember the bad parts. With time you will convince yourself that you shouldn't be treated this way, and then you can move onto the introspective phase. At least that's how it worked for me. It sounds strange to say this, but I have little emotion attached to those 2.5 years. It's like a distant haze, and whatever I pick out of it I examine with clinical disinterest. It's strange to think that something that I was so involved in is now worthless other than as a learning experience.

For every nice memory there is at least one bad one, and that contributes to allowing me to let go. Stay strong and remember that you're looking out for yourself. You are brave to have come this way nine months out.

One more point. Trying to rationalize BPD traits, or hope that your ex has the same emotional response as you do, is futile. It's hard to say this and it's hard to accept it. But it is a PD and expecting the same emotional framework that you have does not apply. It doesn't sound like you're wondering what she's thinking, and I think that's a good thing. It doesn't sound like you're seeking closure from her, which I think is another thing that is practically impossible to achieve. So all in all it sounds like you are doing great and you should be proud of yourself. You're looking out for your best interests, and that shows a strength of character that is admirable. I think many nons are compassionate people, and the experience that we went through dating a pwBPD teaches us to be confident in ourselves. Compassion and confidence is a powerful combination, and if anything remember that you have it.

Brilliant! Well written, thank  you.

[SouthernMama]

To get over an ex, we have to remember all of the reasons WHY it didn't work. BPDs can be amazingly charming, seductive, brilliant & fun. Man, do they take us on some adventures. But why did things end? Has she TRULY gotten help? Will things really be different?

During & after our divorce, my ex-BPD was a great friend, and I got to watch his lows from afar w/out disrupting my life... that is until his recent suicide. Focus on all of the reasons why it failed. Once you are able to do that, you may find you never look back.

[Joe1290]

I know I have to let go. I am going to write a list of the craziness I endured, as a reminder. I escaped her crazy behavior with a clean break. I have told friends about some of the incidents and I fear they may think I exaggerate . I am sorry for your loss and I greatly appreciate your advice/help/care.