Pregnant and haven't told uBPD Mom yet

[NinjaKitten]

Hello,

I just found this site.  I'm not sure where to start.  Short story, I (and my therapist) are pretty sure my mom has BPD and probably some NPD.  I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant (yay!) excited, happily married, job, etc. Good news right?  Well, my mom lives about 4 hours away and I want to tell her in person but It's going to be about 6 weeks before I'm going to be able to go see her.   Which means by the time I tell her I'm pregnant I'm going to be about halfway through my pregnancy. 

I've been pretty LC with her for a while now but this will just be a blatant show of how much our relationship has deteriorated and I'm expecting a serious response from her: "Why did you wait so long to tell me" probably throw in some "Why don't you love me".  It's been causing me some anxiety lately and I'm wondering if I should go up next weekend and tell her then. 

This is where the story gets more complicated.  I'm going out of the country for 2 weeks.  Before the trip was planned I was going to tell her labor day weekend.  But she already has serious anxiety when my husband and I take vacation-calling every day (even though I don't talk that much to her when i'm home!) I was on a cruise and didn't have service and she threatened to call the coast guard if she didn't here from me-oops.  We're traveling with my in laws and last time we vacationed with them she asked if I was worried they would try to ditch us.  She's also asked if I would be ok with them taking any future children of ours back to their home country (which is where we will be traveling to) without us or would I be concerned they would try to abduct them. So me traveling with her unborn grandchild-with the in laws to their home country- isn't really something I want to deal with. 

But that puts me back at square one of not telling her until I'm halfway through the pregnancy. 

Basically, its a question of which is worse: the fallout from waiting to tell her or the fallout of her anxiety while I travel. 

Any advice is helpful.  I haven't talked to my therapist yet, but I'm pretty sure I know what she'll say.  Sometimes it's just nice to hear from other people in this situation. 

Thanks in advance!

[MiserableDaughter]

Hello,

So in my experience, BPD (my mom is undiagnosed but all my therapists say her symptoms fit right on) get even crazier when it comes to grandkids. If I were you, take your nice vacation and tell her when you see her next. And deflect by saying I wanted it to be a big surprise when I saw you and that I passed a certain amount of weeks to make sure no first trimester complications! Tell her u wanted to surprise her in person. That's what I did. I told her when I was ten weeks along cause her panic would have freaked me out. They ask get jealous of time spent with u laws etc. you won't gain anything from telling her first. You will only have more anxiety and her freaking out in the back!congrats on your pregnancy. Enjoy it! Goes by fast! Over time I've learned the less info the better!

[Kwamina]

Hi Ninjakitten

Welcome to bpdfamily and congratulations on your pregnancy!

I understand your anxiety about your mother's possible reaction. Given that you and your therapist both think your mother has BPD, no matter when you tell her there is a possibility that she'll respond badly to it. At this point my advice would be to put your own well-being and that of your unborn child first and try to relax as much as possible.

There are some communication techniques on this site that can help you talk to your mother in a way that reduces the chance of (further) conflict while maximizing the chance of getting through to her. These techniques can also help keep you calm(er):

Communication Skills - Validation

Ending the Cycle of Conflict

S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Take care

[NinjaKitten]

Thanks MiserableDaughter, I really don't want her anxiety to get to me... .it probably will.

Kwamina Thank you for the links!  I think you're right that no matter when I tell her she might react badly.

Thank you both.  My initial reaction was to wait, and then the guilt got to me.  Thank you for making me feel like I'm not a horrible person :-)