How long after the breakup were you "emotionally unavailable"?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, it's been almost 8 months since I broke up with my dBPDexgf. I would say, honestly, the first 6 months were filled with A LOT of emotional pain and heartache, but the last two months have been really good with only occasional spurts of emo (usually triggered if I had to interact with her about her paying me back some money).

I'm a little emo the last couple of days because I saw my ex and her boyfriend at the neighborhood bar I frequent, and I guess it's had my mind swimming over a few issues more than I normally would like.

I think she's been seeing her new boyfriend for 3 or so months (I haven't been cyberstalking or anything believe me; she made a point to let me know when they started seeing each other). And that's cool. I hope she's happy. I say that although there is that irrational ex thing of kind of thinking they're "winning" because they got into a relationship sooner . I barely ever really entertain that, but I'd be lying if I didn't say those kinds of thoughts hadn't entered my head a little.

I guess what's on my mind is how long did it take everyone before they felt they were sufficiently emotionally available enough and over their ex to be in a serious relationship? Because I don't think I'm quite there myself. I don't necessarily think I'm far off, but not there yet.

[mrwigand]

So, it's been almost 8 months since I broke up with my dBPDexgf. I would say, honestly, the first 6 months were filled with A LOT of emotional pain and heartache, but the last two months have been really good with only occasional spurts of emo (usually triggered if I had to interact with her about her paying me back some money).

I'm a little emo the last couple of days because I saw my ex and her boyfriend at the neighborhood bar I frequent, and I guess it's had my mind swimming over a few issues more than I normally would like.

I think she's been seeing her new boyfriend for 3 or so months (I haven't been cyberstalking or anything believe me; she made a point to let me know when they started seeing each other). And that's cool. I hope she's happy. I say that although there is that irrational ex thing of kind of thinking they're "winning" because they got into a relationship sooner . I barely ever really entertain that, but I'd be lying if I didn't say those kinds of thoughts hadn't entered my head a little.

I guess what's on my mind is how long did it take everyone before they felt they were sufficiently emotionally available enough and over their ex to be in a serious relationship? Because I don't think I'm quite there myself. I don't necessarily think I'm far off, but not there yet.

[greenmonkey]

I am 9 months out, feeling so much better in myself, I am getting myself out there so to speak but I am very happily single and not really looking for a new relationship or have a SO in my life.

Instead of doing online dating I am going to meet up groups just meeting people that way - which I believe is more natural and shows people in a better light.

Psychologically I am much stronger and healthier - but at the same time a lot more guarded - which is to be expected. If I click with someone who has similar interests as myself great - if not I am still going out and enjoying myself and meeting new people that I would not meet normally

Would I consider myself emotionally available ? for the right person yes.

[balletomane]

Right now I don't think I could ever date anybody again, but it's only been four months. I think I'm coping as well as can be expected given the time frame. Sometimes I'm plagued by insecurities - my ex always seems to have a line of people wanting to date him, and I don't, which makes me think that maybe I'm the nasty one. Then I remember that many of my ex's previous partners were just looking for something casual, and almost all of them were into dating multiple people at once and seeing how things pan out, whereas that's not my thing.

[Pretty Woman]

I think I checked out the last months of the relationship (around Feb this year) and I am still empty inside.

This is not to say I don't have love and empathy in me but my trust is so broken. There have been several interested in me. One person is currently telling me they love me and how amazing, special and beautiful I am. I feel like I am going through the motions. I am almost annoyed by them and find them clingy and pathetic. I roll my eyes at some of the texts they send me, and they are nice texts most people would love to get.

I've never felt like that before and some of it makes me wonder if I really took on my ex's disorder.

I would like to love again and someday find a wonderful relationship with a supportive partner, without fear of constant abandonment. Right now I almost feel selfish. I am going to be 40 in a few months and I feel like I wasted three years of my life and screwed up some of my dreams, one being having a child and being a mom. I am not sure how or when I will get back on track. There is so much resentment.

PW

[Remiman]

I think I checked out the last months of the relationship (around Feb this year) and I am still empty inside.

This is not to say I don't have love and empathy in me but my trust is so broken. There have been several interested in me. One person is currently telling me they love me and how amazing, special and beautiful I am. I feel like I am going through the motions. I am almost annoyed by them and find them clingy and pathetic. I roll my eyes at some of the texts they send me, and they are nice texts most people would love to get.

I've never felt like that before and some of it makes me wonder if I really took on my ex's disorder.

I would like to love again and someday find a wonderful relationship with a supportive partner, without fear of constant abandonment. Right now I almost feel selfish. I am going to be 40 in a few months and I feel like I wasted three years of my life and screwed up some of my dreams, one being having a child and being a mom. I am not sure how or when I will get back on track. There is so much resentment.

PW

Hi PW. The bit about the texts and rolling your eyes is something I'm worried about. When I'm with my exBPDgf I now mistrust everything she says. I'm hyper sensitive and panic attack anxious. The lack of trust is to my core. I think I always had a bit of that in me, but I'm worried that this relationship has / is having such an effect on me that I may never be able to trust someone completely. And that's a recipe for a very lonely life

[blissful_camper]

I think I checked out the last months of the relationship (around Feb this year) and I am still empty inside.

This is not to say I don't have love and empathy in me but my trust is so broken. There have been several interested in me. One person is currently telling me they love me and how amazing, special and beautiful I am. I feel like I am going through the motions. I am almost annoyed by them and find them clingy and pathetic. I roll my eyes at some of the texts they send me, and they are nice texts most people would love to get.

I've never felt like that before and some of it makes me wonder if I really took on my ex's disorder.

I would like to love again and someday find a wonderful relationship with a supportive partner, without fear of constant abandonment. Right now I almost feel selfish. I am going to be 40 in a few months and I feel like I wasted three years of my life and screwed up some of my dreams, one being having a child and being a mom. I am not sure how or when I will get back on track. There is so much resentment.

PW

Hi PW. The bit about the texts and rolling your eyes is something I'm worried about. When I'm with my exBPDgf I now mistrust everything she says. I'm hyper sensitive and panic attack anxious. The lack of trust is to my core. I think I always had a bit of that in me, but I'm worried that this relationship has / is having such an effect on me that I may never be able to trust someone completely. And that's a recipe for a very lonely life

For a long time I wondered if I'd ever fully trust another person too.  That inability to trust  others (outside of family and close friends) was new territory for me. I worried I wouldn't get that part of me back. Two years out,  I did get that back and am able to trust again. 

It took me a good 1.5 years to feel that I was emotionally available. I feel that even more so now. 

[jhkbuzz]

I am a year post b/u (8 year r/s) and I'll tell you what - there is a huge difference between how I felt at 6 months or 9 months out. I'm feeling really good these days. There were long periods of time that I thought I might never feel good again.

For the past year I haven't worried much about the r/s thing... .I knew I had been emotionally devastated and it would take time to heal. I am ready for another r/s now - but I am working out some childhood stuff with a T and would take things slow. So... .my feelings about my ex and the b/u wouldn't stop me from getting into a r/s, but my own healing journey might cause me to slow things down a bit.

[McKenzie]

My relationship lasted for merely 6 months, ended in April 2014 and I finally went NC 6 months ago. It doesn't hurt anymore and I'd like to think I'm over my ex, I certainly don't want him back in my life. Still, I haven't started any new relationships, haven't gone out on dates and would describe myself as emotionally unavailable.

Like greenmonkey described in her reply, I too feel like I'm a lot more guarded now, but I still have empathy and love in me. It's just not targeted towards new potential bf candidates at the moment and frankly, that's good. I need that love and empathy for myself to grow and heal. If I had another man in my life, that time, energy and empathy would be invested in him. That's something I already did with my BPDex and the men before him. Emotional unavailability is, imo, a sign that it's time to invest in oneself for a change.

About being annoyed when someone wants to approach you: totally understand why it might seem concerning, but I honestly don't think the annoyance will remain as powerful or towards everyone who have the courage to send a sweet text. I've become pretty allergic to certain characteristics my ex had, like fierce adoration after only a brief time together. I don't think it's a recipe for a lonely life like Remiman wrote. I have rolled my eyes at texts and I have told clingy men to get off my back, I had to do that in order to give myself the peace and space I really, really needed. I get worried sometimes too, but I just have to remember that there are sweet and caring people out there who are able and willing to respect my boundaries.

I'm pretty sure I will never be the same again but I've grown to accept that. Maybe this unavailability is like a cocoon and hopefully I come out better than I used to be.

[Emelie Emelie]

It's been over a year and I'm still not sure if I'm "emotionally available". I'm in a new relationship - I want to be "all better", but that relationship kicked my ass.

[trappedinlove]

It took me about a year until I was emotionally available for a new relationship. Until then any emotions that started to develop were mixed and overshadowed by guilt and unrealistic hope.

[SGraham]

Im two months out and i can say with confidence that it gonna be at least a year. I was already a fairly cynical person going into the r/s and sometimes i worry about what kind of person I'm going to be once i emerge from all this. Its almost as if i gave her everything i had, all my good elements, and she just killed that me. So i think i just need to make sure that this pain makes me a better person not a worse one.