Strange Question... ?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Do you think that trying to remain "friends" or "helping" them when they are in a new R/S tends to help that other R/S last longer somehow? If they solely had to rely on that new person, even though you know them so much better and can help better... .will they see what a mistake they made? Or will they just go on with the mask, hiding the problems and trying to cope on their own. Sometimes I think that just by my talking to him, because he says he feels "safe" with me, that I am helping his relationship along. I do not want him back mind you, but I certainly want to see it fall apart since they both cheated on their spouses to get together and after all the work I did helping him and taking classes on his disorder, just to be dumped... .I must say "pisses me off"... .sorry for that analogy, but it's the truth. He gets madder and madder every time I say I won't help him. He doesn't understand we are separated and he is with someone else. I keep making jokes with him that he and his "fiance'" need to work on their finances together and leave me out of it,lol She posted on FB that she intends on marrying him basically. He tells me he is not engaged, but I said, you let her tag you in the post, so it must be true,   He gets all irritated. He is trying to find ways for us to stay married... .some one said maybe so he won't feel he has to marry her, who knows. I expect her to be pregnant soon and that will be really bad for him. His Mom and I both tried to get him to have a vasectomy. Anyway- main question- No Contact must be best in this situation as well, correct? That way he has to make his own decisions and deal with his own consequences and if he takes her advice and doesn't like it, it has nothing to do with me... .Correct? I am still helping by talking to him- I have to stop giving advice- right?

[Herodias]

Do you think that trying to remain "friends" or "helping" them when they are in a new R/S tends to help that other R/S last longer somehow? If they solely had to rely on that new person, even though you know them so much better and can help better... .will they see what a mistake they made? Or will they just go on with the mask, hiding the problems and trying to cope on their own. Sometimes I think that just by my talking to him, because he says he feels "safe" with me, that I am helping his relationship along. I do not want him back mind you, but I certainly want to see it fall apart since they both cheated on their spouses to get together and after all the work I did helping him and taking classes on his disorder, just to be dumped... .I must say "pisses me off"... .sorry for that analogy, but it's the truth. He gets madder and madder every time I say I won't help him. He doesn't understand we are separated and he is with someone else. I keep making jokes with him that he and his "fiance'" need to work on their finances together and leave me out of it,lol She posted on FB that she intends on marrying him basically. He tells me he is not engaged, but I said, you let her tag you in the post, so it must be true,   He gets all irritated. He is trying to find ways for us to stay married... .some one said maybe so he won't feel he has to marry her, who knows. I expect her to be pregnant soon and that will be really bad for him. His Mom and I both tried to get him to have a vasectomy. Anyway- main question- No Contact must be best in this situation as well, correct? That way he has to make his own decisions and deal with his own consequences and if he takes her advice and doesn't like it, it has nothing to do with me... .Correct? I am still helping by talking to him- I have to stop giving advice- right?

[sas1729]

Hey,

Caveat. I have never been married, so I cannot say that I understand the responsibilities and obligations owed to your ex-spouse, let alone your spouse.

That said, I still have an opinion based on what I have read. He cheated on you. You are still trying to help him. He gets angry at you. I think the main question should be "what is best for Herodias?" Do you really still want him around in your life? There may be reasons, legal or otherwise, but if there are no practical reasons to keep him around then it may be worth looking at the reasons for why you do.

It's difficult to say if your helping him is helping his other relationship. It seems quite possible that it may be because he is relying on you for things instead of her. You are also taking some negative emotions. All in all for me it keeps coming back to my original question. What is best for you?

[Herodias]

He is actually paying my health insurance, alimony and is to keep me on his life insurance. This has brought up issues that I have had to contact him about. One thing that makes me crazy is they won't send me my explanation of benefits as they only one address and that would be his! If he goes to jail, he would lose his job... .lots of possible outcomes for me because of it. Once I know if he doesn't which will be next week on Friday- I can go no contact. I just hope he is doing what he is supposed to do by keeping me on his policy... .

Yes, you are correct- I need to do what's best for me. I don't give in to his demands. I just kinda wanted to know if people who have studied this think that they are in any way, shape or form helping their new relationship- like you said... .he could be raging at me instead of her! Triangulation, I suppose. I don't want them to break up yet, because she is keeping him from me... .I just want them unhappy- sorry I am in the anger stage. Only forgiving the fact that he knows not what he does to a point, due to his illness.   I feel bad for him to live with it, but he still is making his own choices. Who would love someone for 8 years and be married to them and be happy for them to be with their adulteress mistress? No one - I suppose.

[patientandclear]

There is definitely a vein of stories here, and an interesting article to be googled on "pathological triangulation," that maintaining a long term emotional connection with someone who is not a risk to leave, assists in taking risks and being emotionally open with a new person. Yuck.

[rotiroti]

Do you think that trying to remain "friends" or "helping" them when they are in a new R/S tends to help that other R/S last longer somehow?

Absolutely, you're becoming available to become part of triangulation. pwBPD has fight with their current SO? Comes back for some comfort until fight blows over. Rinse and repeat until end of days.

will they see what a mistake they made?

They could feel this genuinely, but it would only be temporary. If there's one thing a pwBPD are consistent with, it's their inconsistent emotions. There's no need to sit with the emotions or process them when you can triangulate with an ex in one hand and their current SO in the other corner.


it all boils down to this: you can't apply non-BPD logic to a BPD. Each case is unique, but the broad strokes of the stories are pretty much the same.