scapegoat

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

I have been posting on another board about my uxBPDd36. I am being made a scapegoat by her, as I was by my FOO.

My mother was the main worker of bad things. Somehow I was left to be the only one to say outloud that my father spoiled our lives with his drinking and bad temper. I was already telling him this at 3 yrs old, apparently. Of course it was true, but maybe that was the reason he started to treat me meanly and ignore me.

I was clueless about everything. I thought that just around the corner was happiness and couldn't understand why others didn't see that or want it. I used to clean the house when I was 4-5, and be mocked for it. My parents didn't care enough about me to object to my not being able to be a brownie, though I yearned for it.

After this it was - I was the selfish one, I was the one who 'did something' with the phone bill, the gas bill, the whatever, when I was 'cleaning,' the word said with utter contempt. Mostly I was just regarded as the troublemaker, not nice person, etc. I swear the only thing I did that was 'not nice' was to occasionally cry because of some hideous injustice. That was enough. Mm NEVER wanted help in the kitchen, I think she relaxed when she was cooking alone, but mf started calling me lazy every day. I didn't know what he was talking about! I kept my room immaculate, was happy to babysit my brother. What was he talking about?

When I was 14-15 I started baking and one summer made a cake everyday. I only did it because I liked to and enjoyed doing nice things for my family. I still believed happiness was just around the corner. I was still considered 'lazy' and selfish.' Mf stopped talking to me completely when I was 13 and died when I was 17 without ever saying a word to me for 4 years, even when I was sick or when I was hit by a car.

Then, one by one, my brothers stopped talking to me. I was stunned and couldn't understand it. I had always gotten along with them, especially the younger.

It took me years, until I was nearly 40, to realize what was going on. As she grew older, mm cared less and less about pretending. I would hear her saying nasty sounding 'she' sentences, which stopped the minute I walked in the room. She was horrific to me when I had cancer, as if I had done something despicable. At the time I struggled to understand, but couldn't say anything negative about her, even in therapy.

I am 67 now and have been in denial about my BPDd for 20 years. Again, for me, happiness is just around the corner and why doesn't she see that we could all be happy if she'd just stop being so insane and cruel.

The amazing thing is that I still have this crazy optimism. Is it stupidity?

One thing seems to be true, that once a scapegoat, the possibility is there to be one again.

My new plan is to stop being a victim in any way, if that's possible. If there's no victim, there's no perp, so BPDd can maybe stop feeling like a perp.

Thanks for reading.  

[Glenna]

 

I have been posting on another board about my uxBPDd36. I am being made a scapegoat by her, as I was by my FOO.

My mother was the main worker of bad things. Somehow I was left to be the only one to say outloud that my father spoiled our lives with his drinking and bad temper. I was already telling him this at 3 yrs old, apparently. Of course it was true, but maybe that was the reason he started to treat me meanly and ignore me.

I was clueless about everything. I thought that just around the corner was happiness and couldn't understand why others didn't see that or want it. I used to clean the house when I was 4-5, and be mocked for it. My parents didn't care enough about me to object to my not being able to be a brownie, though I yearned for it.

After this it was - I was the selfish one, I was the one who 'did something' with the phone bill, the gas bill, the whatever, when I was 'cleaning,' the word said with utter contempt. Mostly I was just regarded as the troublemaker, not nice person, etc. I swear the only thing I did that was 'not nice' was to occasionally cry because of some hideous injustice. That was enough. Mm NEVER wanted help in the kitchen, I think she relaxed when she was cooking alone, but mf started calling me lazy every day. I didn't know what he was talking about! I kept my room immaculate, was happy to babysit my brother. What was he talking about?

When I was 14-15 I started baking and one summer made a cake everyday. I only did it because I liked to and enjoyed doing nice things for my family. I still believed happiness was just around the corner. I was still considered 'lazy' and selfish.' Mf stopped talking to me completely when I was 13 and died when I was 17 without ever saying a word to me for 4 years, even when I was sick or when I was hit by a car.

Then, one by one, my brothers stopped talking to me. I was stunned and couldn't understand it. I had always gotten along with them, especially the younger.

It took me years, until I was nearly 40, to realize what was going on. As she grew older, mm cared less and less about pretending. I would hear her saying nasty sounding 'she' sentences, which stopped the minute I walked in the room. She was horrific to me when I had cancer, as if I had done something despicable. At the time I struggled to understand, but couldn't say anything negative about her, even in therapy.

I am 67 now and have been in denial about my BPDd for 20 years. Again, for me, happiness is just around the corner and why doesn't she see that we could all be happy if she'd just stop being so insane and cruel.

The amazing thing is that I still have this crazy optimism. Is it stupidity?

One thing seems to be true, that once a scapegoat, the possibility is there to be one again.

My new plan is to stop being a victim in any way, if that's possible. If there's no victim, there's no perp, so BPDd can maybe stop feeling like a perp.

Thanks for reading.  

[Suzn]

Hi Glenna   

Welcome to the Coping and Healing board. 

I'm sorry to hear about your painful past with your parents. Running in circles to please parents or other FOO from such an early age is such a difficult place to have been. I can relate, having alcoholic uncles from an early age up to having a brother who is a recovering alcoholic today.

Have you read anything in regards to how this has far reaching effects? Being the daughter of an alcoholic?

www.searidgealcoholrehab.com/article-adult-children-of-alcoholics.php

She was horrific to me when I had cancer, as if I had done something despicable.

This is terrible, I'm sorry this happened to you. 

At the time I struggled to understand, but couldn't say anything negative about her, even in therapy.

This is common with children, even adult children, to protect their abusers. For me, I had always thought my mother did the best she could providing for myself and my brother so I defended her most of my life. Well, she did do the best she could. Today I see the reality of what happened, what her issues are and where they came from.

Where are you at with your understanding and feelings surrounding your mother's behaviors? Are you still seeing your therapist?

Again, for me, happiness is just around the corner and why doesn't she see that we could all be happy if she'd just stop being so insane and cruel.

Mental illness is difficult to wrap our minds around. We unfortunately can get caught up in the FOG (fear, obligation and/or guilt) when dealing with a loved one with mental illness. It's difficult to step outside the situation and look at and accept a person for who they are and see their limitations. Also, to acknowledge we may be lacking the skills to interact without making things worse. Our parents didn't model healthy interaction so we are at a disadvantage from the start.

The amazing thing is that I still have this crazy optimism. Is it stupidity?

You are a survivor, not stupidity at all. Nothing changes without changes and since we can't change someone else we can look at how we can learn new ways to interact.

My new plan is to stop being a victim in any way, if that's possible. If there's no victim, there's no perp, so BPDd can maybe stop feeling like a perp.

What does your strategy look like? How does it differ from the past?