Why does this bother me so much?

[Ceruleanblue]

Today, BPDh and I were at a huge antique mall. I saw a necklace I wanted to look at, and also spotted a turquoise ring I thought would be great on him. HEREIN lies a longstanding issue: When we met, he was still wearing a ring from his ex(yeah, the one who stabbed him, and cheated on him), and it took a long time for me to get through to him how disturbing this was to me. If she'd been a "normal" ex, it might have still bothered me, but not to the same extent perhaps. He eventually stopped wearing it, but I could tell he resented it. Also he wore a watch that had been a gift from her, and I offered to replace it, and he would not accept any other watch except a pretty exact replica. All this felt worse because he deceived me in regards to how long they'd been truly separated, and how "over her" he was. I was fed false information, and had I known the truth, I'd have likely run.

So for four years, I've tried to replace this ring, and he shoots down every ring I find. He looks native American, and I'd love for him to wear a turquoise ring(just on weekends, not every day like he did the ring from the ex, even), and he likes playing up his "native" look. The ring his ex bought him had an Indian head on it, I believe. Today, he got really mad when I asked him why he'd wear a ring his ex bought him, but he won't for me. I also had trouble getting him to want to wear a wedding ring, yet he wore one for 24 years with his ex, and again, was attached to it.

I'm bothered by this, greatly. It always feels as if things he willingly did for her, he refuses with me. She was awful to him, and they had a truly toxic relationship, but it always seems as if he was always chasing her, and trying harder to please HER. I got this information from both him, and his adult kids. He says I'm nicer to him, and that I treat him better(duh, who wouldn't, she's monstrous), so why do I have to beg for things he just did willingly for her?

This has been an issue for us over and over again. I wish I didn't know their past, but I do, and I can't just forget it. BPDh didn't like me wearing a ring I had from an ex, so I stopped, and to me it was no big deal. I want to make him comfortable. Plus, BPDh got me a much nicer ring, and I'd much rather wear something he got me!

I have to beg him for anything I want, and if he finally compromises, by that time, it's ruined for me. He does it begrudgingly, and he then harbors resentment.

It just feels to ME, and I've explained this to him, that it makes me feel as if I'm not as important to him if I have to beg him to do things he willingly, and easily did for HER. I know I'm worth way more than her because I'm a good person, and she's likely a sociopath, but I'd like BPDh to know that, and act accordingly. I'm sick of requesting simple things, and him turning it into a battle.

It meant something to me that he wear a wedding ring, especially knowing that he had for 24 years to someone so toxic, but he really didn't want to wear one for us. And now this second ring issue.

Do I just give up, and chalk it up to his control issue? He won't do it because I want it, or because I ask? If that is the case, why did he do it for his ex? Why did he remain so attached to everything she's gifted him?  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[married21years]

my wife has a necklace she was inseparable from. now she refuses to wear it.

it has become a symbol of us and she is afraid to have me in her life.

they cannot allow you to establish a reality in their heads that you love them, it is too painful

[Cat Familiar]

I can see how the symbolism of his wearing something from his ex, yet not wanting to wear something from you is hurting you. I'm sorry how painful that is. You would like to give him something that is meaningful from you, yet he doesn't want to accept it.

I've had similar issues with my husband, though not about things that are so symbolic. I've bought him clothes I think would look great on him that have sat in his closet for ages then mysteriously disappeared. Part of this I've realized is that he has his own preferences and style. Even things I bought that seem like they should fit his style have been rejected at times.

You ask about his control issue. What I'd like to ask you is about your control issue.

I know you want to give him gifts of love and you would be happy if he wore them and appreciated them, but he doesn't. Perhaps you're placing too much symbolism on watches and rings that were given to him from his ex.

Try not taking this as personally. It may be that he just likes the way they look and it's not all about the meaning of the object and who gave it to him. Maybe it's just been a part of his identity and he just likes it.

[formflier]

You ask about his control issue. What I'd like to ask you is about your control issue.

Yep... .Cat Familiar is right on point here. 

Boundaries work both ways... .if you don't like being controlled... .step 1 is to look at yourself... .and see if you are trying to control something... .that is not yours to control.

I have quite a bit of flight time in a multi-place airplane.  Pilot and copilot.  We had very strict protocol about passing the controls back and forth.

Imagine the frustration of the pilot that "had the controls"... .if the other guy kept grabbing them... .and doing things... .without asking.

I get the vibe that much of the frustration in the r/s comes from people crossing over  boundaries into other areas... .uninvited... .

I think the temperature would drop substantially... .if that could be cut out... .or dramatically reduced.

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm not trying to control him. I just would like to replace the ring that he told me numerous times that he loved wearing. I'm totally open to HIM picking out the replacement ring, but no dice. I want it to be exactly what HE likes, not just what I like.

He's had a lot of odd attachments to things associated with his ex, which is what I fear this is. He doesn't want a replacement ring, my fear is he only wants THAT ring due to the association with it. He told me the whole story yesterday of how they found it together, and how she surprised him with it later. GAG! Does he think I want to hear that crap? See? I think if he's still relating that crap to me, it's NOT about the actual ring, it's about the sentiment behind it. Which is why it bothers me.

If he didn't want to wear a ring, period, and I insist that he does, I could see where that is controlling, but I've heard for so long how he misses wearing that particular ring. After hearing the story behind them finding it together, and how he thought it was sweet that she surprised him with it, I feel even worse.

I can't control him, nor do I want to, I just wanted him to stop feeling badly about that ring. It seems though that no ring he picks out, or we pick out together can compare. I feel it's the attachment and memory that matters, not truly the ring.

Thoughts?

[Ceruleanblue]

And I'm missing the correlation to my taking over the controls. I did ask if he could stop wearing the ring, due to it being a highly sentimental gift from his ex he said he hated. Every time I looked at it, it skeeved me out. I didn't want him touching me with his hand that had a gift on it from HER. She's evil. She stabs people, and I didn't want the daily reminder. Frankly, I couldn't see how he could either, and I'm usually able to empathize with most things. If it had been an expensive diamond, he could have just have had it reset. This is just a sterling silver ring though. I get that he likes it, but is it worth making his wife feel badly about?

I was very thankful that he stopped wearing it, and he had also requested I not wear a ring I had from an ex. I totally understood. I didn't feel HE was being controlling, I just knew it felt weird to him. MY ring is actually much more expensive, it being a diamond, but HE matters more to me than any ring.

If you could explain what you meant further, that would be a great help.

[Cat Familiar]

I do understand why you wouldn't want him wearing the ring from his ex. And he did quit in order to spare your feelings. Likewise you quit wearing a ring from your ex to please him.

Regarding control issues, I do understand the significance of jewelry from a former partner, but where does the boundary stop?

It could get to this point, and I'm sure it does with some people:

I don't want you to wear your hair that way because that's how you wore it when you were photographed with her.

I don't want you to wear those glasses because she was with you when you bought them.

I don't want you to wear that coat because she bought it for you.

I don't want you to cook that dish because you cooked it for him.

I don't want you to wear that dress because he liked you in it.

I don't want you to wear any of the jewelry that he gave you.

You need to get rid of that mattress because the two of you slept on it.

You need to sell the house because the two of you lived in it.

I don't want to live in this area because the two of you lived here.

I don't want to be around your children because they're not mine.

It goes on and on. We have a life before we met our spouse. When we or they want to decide what we wear, who we see, what we do, that is stepping into control issues.

[formflier]

If you could explain what you meant further, that would be a great help.

I think Cat Familiar covered most of it.  Please don't focus in tight on the right... .take several steps back and look at general patterns of interaction.

He forgets medicine and you... .(just an example... .not trying to single this one event out at particularly egregious)

Let him sort out his medical care.

Ask him if he would like you to help him... .or if he would like you to suggest things for him to do for his medical care... .(vice tell him)

So... .just like it was frustrating for you (the one with the notional airplane controls) when he would take your car... or assume he could take your car... .because he was "on your property".

My guess is he was a bit frustrated with you when you "grab his controls" without asking.

Is this the entire problem... .no... .not suggesting that at all.  But sometimes reducing the temperature in one area... .allows for progress in another.

Does this clarify what I was suggesting?

FF

[vortex of confusion]

I get that he likes it, but is it worth making his wife feel badly about?

I am not trying to pick on you. This stood out for me because it is something that I have been working on with myself and my kids. You may have negative feelings in reaction to somebody else's behavior. The other person didn't make you feel anything. Whatever feelings you have are yours to own. Your husband is not responsible for your feelings just as you are not responsible for his feelings.

[formflier]

The other person didn't make you feel anything. Whatever feelings you have are yours to own. 

I got caught up in this last night. 

My wife was exhausted... .she said she was going to come up to be with me in bed.  She was patting D5s back.

There is some history here... .a while back... .I was convinced she was deliberately sleeping other places... .to try get a reaction from me... .she would tell me she would be right there... .and then not be. 

Well... .I was interested in ... you know... ."spending time" with my wife... . before dozing off to sleep. 

I peek in room she is in a few minutes later... .and she is asleep... .hard.  I felt like crap... .heart started going... ."how could she do this to me... ."

It was my issue... .I soothed... and eventually got better.   Today she laid down for nap... .and slept four hours.  I knew she had been on minimal sleep for days... yet I still thought (or felt) it was a deliberate thing against me.

Not one of my finest internal moments... .although I did keep it to myself... .and eventually calmed.

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

I guess I view it differently. While he may not have set out to make me feel badly, I feel his choice to wear the ring after knowing how it made me feel was an action. I think all relationships take compromise, and it's pretty clear to me now that he has strong memories attached to the ring(after he told me the entire story, in detail). To me, rings, or things we wear on our person, are different than couches or the way we wear our hair or choice of clothing style. I think that is why some people choose to have tattoos covered up. The tattoo was chosen at a time when things were good, but who wants a daily reminder of a failed relationship?

If, and this is a big if, I thought he really never thought of his ex, or of her giving it to him, it would still feel awful, but maybe not to the same degree. I can't change how I feel about him wearing the ring, I've tried. He isn't wearing it, but he obviously resents it, and doesn't want to pick another ring out for some reason.

I'm not an extremist, but to me jewelry is sort of symbolic, even if it isn't to him. If it were a huge money item like a car, and we had use of it, but this is a ring we can easily replace. And I guess I feel if I do something that I know makes him feel badly, then I am responsible for his feelings. It doesn't mean what I'm doing is bad or wrong, but the choice to do something I know hurts him would be. If it's within my power to not do that, and it doesn't cross into being controlling, or cross a boundary of mine, I'd do so, and have done so.

So everyone else would just be okay with their spouse wearing jewelry from a prior spouse? I guess I'm in the minority on this one.

[formflier]

but this is a ring we can easily replace.

What is your husbands opinion on this?

FF

[Notwendy]

CB, your H reminds me of a kid with oppositional defiant disorder. These kids can tend to refuse to do what you ask them to do, because you asked them to do it. I'm not trying to diagnose him, this is just a thought on his behavior.

It seems he does a lot of things that bother you. I'm not being critical- they would bother me too. However, when trying to make changes, it is hard to focus on a whole lot of behaviors. Sometimes it is more effective to focus on one at a time- the ones that bother you the most.

I don't know what your H was like as a kid, but kids thrive on attention. The attention can be the kind that feels good, or not, but is is attention none the less. So, for a kid who is seen as  a"bad" kid, - he doesn't get much praise for being good, so he will take people getting upset with him, because that is still attention, and any attention is better than being ignored.  

Your H is aware that the ring is a point of contention. So long as he wears it, he knows he can get your focus, and attention, on him replacing that ring. If he does replace it, he can't push your buttons about it anymore.

Change your "buttons" - change your reaction and he doesn't hold the strings to your upset. If you didn't give a hoot about the ring, he might get bored with it.

You have mentioned before that your H seems to enjoy it when you feel pain.  When you stop feeling hurt over the ring, it might not work for him.

[MaroonLiquid]

CB, your H reminds me of a kid with oppositional defiant disorder. These kids can tend to refuse to do what you ask them to do, because you asked them to do it. I'm not trying to diagnose him, this is just a thought on his behavior.

It seems he does a lot of things that bother you. I'm not being critical- they would bother me too. However, when trying to make changes, it is hard to focus on a whole lot of behaviors. Sometimes it is more effective to focus on one at a time- the ones that bother you the most.

I don't know what your H was like as a kid, but kids thrive on attention. The attention can be the kind that feels good, or not, but is is attention none the less. So, for a kid who is seen as  a"bad" kid, - he doesn't get much praise for being good, so he will take people getting upset with him, because that is still attention, and any attention is better than being ignored.  

Your H is aware that the ring is a point of contention. So long as he wears it, he knows he can get your focus, and attention, on him replacing that ring. If he does replace it, he can't push your buttons about it anymore.

Change your "buttons" - change your reaction and he doesn't hold the strings to your upset. If you didn't give a hoot about the ring, he might get bored with it.

You have mentioned before that your H seems to enjoy it when you feel pain.  When you stop feeling hurt over the ring, it might not work for him.

My wife's son was diagnosed with ODD and I wonder if my wife has this on top of BPD also.

[Notwendy]

CB, I also want to comment on being the "nice" wife while the ex is not. I think it is a loosing battle to discuss how you "feel" about how he treats you vs her. I think the talking can be a form of JADEing and just doesn't work with him.

I tried being the "nice" one with my H, but I was actually being co-dependent. It didn't work or "make" him treat me better. I realized really we can't ask someone to treat us better if they don't want to.

The only thing we can do to effect the relationship is to change our end of it- and the focus has to be on us, not them. However, since it takes two to relate to each other, when one changes, the dynamics may change.

If you can take the focus off of him, on to you. You are waiting for him to treat you nicely. You are hoping that being nice to him will cause a change in him. How about if you focus on treating YOU nicely.

Like that ring? Buy one for YOU and wear it.

Want that vacation? take it.

Your favorite meal? Cook it and eat it ( you can make it family sized)

Be the person for you that you wish he would be. If he wants to be his uncooperative self, then that is his choice, and it may have nothing to do with you. Don't personalize his disorder

[Notwendy]

ML--- ODD is more common in boys than girls, some can grow up to have criminal behavior. I don't think this is CB's H as an adult. However, people with BPD are emotionally immature. They could be like kids with ODD.

This type of behavior is also "normal" in 2 year olds- Maybe they have the "terrible twos? "

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm pretty sure that my son had oppositional defiance disorder when he was young. At that time I read up on it a lot. Some of BPDh's behaviors do take on that tone. He isn't currently wearing the ring, and hasn't in some time. This all just got stirred up again because I saw a ring at a local antique store, and asked him to try it on.

His take on the ring thing is "he's open to finding another ring", but in all my/our looking over a four year span, he has yet to find one he likes. I just find that too convenient. I managed to find the exact ring on ebay, but buying him an exact replica wouldn't feel good either. He also wouldn't stop wearing the watch she'd bought him until I bought him one almost exactly like it. And I mean so exact that you can't tell them apart. I hate that when we see her, she thinks he's still wearing the watch she got him. Women notice things like that, at least I do.

At this point, I feel like telling him to wear the dang thing! It's like he's made it into a huge battle. If a ring matters that much to him, and it's the only ring on earth he wants to wear, well, that is sending a pretty strong message to me. To me, it's saying it's the significance behind the ring, not the actual ring itself? Maybe my thinking is just backwards on this... .

[formflier]

At this point, I feel like telling him to wear the dang thing!

Maybe my thinking is just backwards on this... .

Why tell him anything at all?

You figure out the rings on your fingers... .

Let him figure out the rings on his fingers... .

Not sure if I have told my "ring story"... .but the quick version is that my wife asked to see my wedding ring for just a minute (this was years ago... pre tool FF).  Well... she took it hostage.  Said she was going to inscribe things... .get it resized... .as she didn't like the indentation it made on my finger and she was worried... .

Well... I handled it badly... .she threw the ring at me... .and it was almost lost... .it went into the grass. 

I found it... .put it on... .and my pre tool FF self somehow figured out to stop talking about it.

She kept badgering... .and I sat there... .eventually it blew over.

Very possible in her mind... .she convinced herself that she was worried about my finger... .and I was acting weird by wanting my finger to swell up and fall off. 

But... .if you approached this from a strict "boundary" point of view.  It was my finger... .and my ring (that she gave to me) to do with as I pleased.

Hope this helps.

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

And yes, being "nice" seriously gets me nowhere. It's just who and what I am though. I'm that way with everyone, so of course I'm that way with my spouse. I want to please, and for people to be happy. I don't think that is my job, to make them happy, but I like and enjoy doing things people like.

I will probably buy myself a turquoise ring, but it certainly won't look the same on me. I'd never pass for Native American, and he has lovely skin color, and does look Native American. The ring he so loved had an Indian head on it, and was silver with black onyx. I'm sort of a jewelry and perfume fanatic. He lets me indulge my love of perfumes and colognes on him, but he's locked in on the ring thing for some odd reason. I'd LOVE for him to pick out a ring he loves. It's not like he has to wear it every day! He works in a very professional setting, so it would likely be a weekend with jeans sort of ring. Just like the Harley motorcycle jacket I surprised him with, and he loves.

I am working on being nice to myself, and he's actually doing some better on trying to meet my love language. I'm just baffled as to how/why he gets so locked in on certain things that he says are not a big deal, but they sure seem to be.

I told him that if I have to beg him to wear a ring I gift him, to just forget it. It's sort of been ruined for me.

There have been huge chunks of time where the ring gets forgotten, but then I'll see one, suggest it, and he again says he misses his old one, and shoots down the one I've seen, but says he's open to a new ring, but then he won't look for one. It's a classic put off.

I've decided to ignore it, and do as you say and treat myself well.

[MaybeSo]

I wouldn't be thrilled about a partner wearing a ring from an ex, but I can't control another person.

You did say he stopped wearing it,  though, right?  Can you feel grateful for that, rather than pull the string about how he now resents it?

CB, you have a lot of things going on with your Husband and in your r/s that are really complex, significant challenges.  He's on meds, in DBT, you are both in marriage counseling.  There is A LOT going on here right now.

Is this a useful focus for you right now?

If he didn't want to wear a ring, period, and I insist that he does, I could see where that is controlling, but I've heard for so long how he misses wearing that particular ring. After hearing the story behind them finding it together, and how he thought it was sweet that she surprised him with it, I feel even worse.

Why must you feel worse or so one-down just b/c of a ring?  This is a choice.

He misses the ring, not the woman.

Look at it this way, what if you are 100% correct and he has some deep sentimental attachment to the ring from his ex and that is how he really feels, but he took it off anyway eventually b/c you didn't like it.  Maybe he does miss it, it may have deep sentimental value to him.  That is a feeling, and it may be real.  Let's say it is real for him. People have feelings. He can't help how he feels.  It's not about you. It's HIS feeling.   He wouldn't be feeling that way to be mean to you, it would just be a sentimental feeling he has based on some sense of past good memory at a prior time in his life.  If that is true, how is having you get angry and upset about how he really feels... .going to help this?  Is he suppose to not feel how he feels?  HOw?  Will it help him to NOT feel what he feels if you take issue with him on this?   No!  In fact, it will likely make him feel misunderstood, judged and defensive ABOUT it.  He digs his heels in now. 

He is not with the ex, he is with YOU.  Can you accept that he is with you, chooses you, and at the same time may still feel attached to an object from an ex?  People have these complex feelings ALL THE TIME and it doesn't mean they don't love the person they are with. When the person they are with gets insecure, critical, pushy or shaming about how a partner really truly feels... .THAT is what causes misery and helps to drive a wedge between the two of them... .not a ring.

The ring is probably sentimental. Period.  He is no longer with the person who gave it to him.  He may have had some good times over the years with her while he wore it ... and it's sentimental of those years.  So what? 

I'd let this one go.

I think you have bigger fish to fry.

[formflier]

I told him that if I have to beg him to wear a ring I gift him, to just forget it. It's sort of been ruined for me.

From a boundaries point of view... .how would you advise yourself  on this issue... .

Hint

Talk about your feelings... .

His feelings...

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, well as it is, he's told me which rings I can wear on my fingers too... .. I'd sold my wedding set from my previous marriage, but while dating BPDh I wore another ring from that previous relationship until he asked me to stop. No biggie, and I totally understood.

I have a bad ring story too. Prior to learning some of the tools, and when I was at a low point, I actually flushed BPDh's wedding ring. Now, it wasn't an expensive ring, we are talking a ring I bought off Amazon that was titanium and cost $40.00. It was always meant to be temporary until we found the one he really liked(seeing the pattern here... .he's super picky). I flushed it after something super hateful he said, probably when he told me he wanted to screw other women, and flush! I apologized profusely, although he didn't apologize for what he'd said, and he's never let me live it down. He's now on temporary wedding ring number two because he still hasn't found a wedding ring he loves. This one is stainless, and was cheaper still. I'll invest in a gold ring when he actually finds one he likes, which is likely to be never. I would never, ever, flush an expensive ring.

He takes great pride in me wearing a flashy wedding ring/diamond that he bought me, and he often asks if I'm not wearing it(I switch rings sometimes). I don't take offense, but it does feel a tad controlling coming from the guy who just wants to wear a ring from his ex. There are several different versions of his old ring, why can't he just pick one of them? I don't get it. Oh well.

[formflier]

Yeah, well as it is, he's told me which rings I can wear on my fingers too... .. 

Do you see how this applies to my story of two pilots... .each grabbing and manipulating each others controls... .and getting frustrated with each other?     

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Not really. I mean, I find him controlling, but it genuinely doesn't bother me much. When he pushes the control thing too far, that's the easiest boundary for me to enforce. My issues with him that I struggle with are his anger, and his lying, and his outright meanness. Those I have trouble setting boundaries around.

I've been surrounded by controlling men my entire life, so my view is likely distorted, but it just feels like a gender difference to me. I don't get offended, or hate his controlling nature. I feel he needs control because he deals with a lot of insecurity, and it's comforting to him.

I fail to see where I manipulate or control anything in our relationship other than what I do. He pretty much does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Heck, I'm not even informed half the time, which I finally did tell him wasn't cool. Last minute cooking or planning is not cool, in my book. I'm not demanding he get a ring, I just told him it was something I'd like. I truly fail to see how that is controlling him?

I can't think of one other area where I've controlled anything, or even had much of a say. I did plan a vacation, but that was with his okay too.

I understand your pilot story, but I don't feel he's always trying to control me, just sometimes, and I fail to see where I'm trying to control him at all... .so I guess I'm missing the correlation.

Feel free to fill me in on what I'm obviously not seeing. To me, a request, is not the same as a demand. He's free to say no to getting a different ring, same as I can say no to his requests. I just know that there is more of a price if I do because of his moods.

[OffRoad]

CB, I don't think you are in the minority. There are, however, two issues here.

1) You would prefer it if he didn't wear the ring his (crazy) ex gave him.

2) You would like him to pick out a ring that he likes that symbolizes the relationship between the two of you.

As to 1) If you have asked him not to wear it, for whatever reason, and he chooses to continue wearing it, then yes, he is making an active choice to do something that he knows will hurt your feelings. You are correct on that. What you do with that knowledge is your choice. You can continue to feel hurt. You can assume he doesn't care about your feelings. You can assume he is a clueless individual who has a personality disorder that makes him do strange things. You can just say "Que sera, sera" and move on. Or a multitude of other things, including asking him specifically if he would stop wearing it because it reminds you that someone once tried to take his life and that hurts you deeply. Has it occurred to you that he might wear that ring not because he "loves" his ex, but because it is a reminder that the crazy person that stabbed him once thought enough of him to buy him a ring he really liked? That maybe he wasn't "wrong" when he originally thought she loved him? Because pwBPD can't be wrong about things.

But as to 2), his picking out a ring should not be conditional upon his removal of an existing ring. (as you referred to it as a replacement). That is what sounds controlling. He may be resistant because he doesn't want to give up the ring he has. Your best bet here is to look at rings with him, and listen to what he likes without asking him if he wants this ring or that ring. My H love puzzle rings. When he lost his wedding ring while surfing, he replaced it with a puzzle ring I had given him. That ring sat in a box for 11 years. He didn't wear it on any other finger. But he went right to it when his wedding ring got lost, because he knew I had bought it because he likes puzzle rings.

And you have to beg for things he gave her willingly because you give willingly, so he has no need to try to earn your love. It's counter intuitive because it's not the norm. In a relationship that is considered the norm, both parties give and take with equivalent measure.

The bigger the deal you make of it, the more he will resist. It's the nature of a PD.

[formflier]

To me, a request, is not the same as a demand. 

My thought is that if you toned down the requests... .or made it very clear that it was a request... .that would help establish boundaries better... .and you would probably come across as less controlling.

If you are being very clear about controlling things inside your boundaries... .and not things outside of those... .that will very likely help him be less controlling.

It is very likely that he is "worse" at it than you... .but many times it takes the leadership from the non to reset a behavior to a better place.

I'll try to think of some examples and get back to you... .but pretty much anytime you were posting about "telling" your husband what to do... .it came across as controlling... .being "on his property".

FF

[Ysabel]

Maybe the wearing of the ring bothers you because of what you think it means. These relationships we have with our BPD spouses feel like insecure attachments, more unpredictability than one can take. So we naturally are left to "fill in the blanks" regarding their behavior and what it could possibly mean. So, that being said, what if the reason he wears the ring is to help him cope with the loss of a dream, not the loss of the crazy ex? Does it make a difference? And regarding him doing things for her that you have to beg for, why is that? What if it is not because he loved her more, but because he feared losing his dream, or maybe just feared her.

[Ceruleanblue]

He readily admits to being wrong for choosing or staying with his ex, so I don't think that is the reason.

Also, whenever I "tell" BPDh something, it is regarding ME, or MY feelings, so I just can't see how my feelings could possibly make him feel controlled. My feelings do however often make him mad. I'm careful to use "I" statements, and always put it in terms of "I feel", so if he feels controlled, that's on him, and he's simply choosing to.

I control nothing. I mean, nothing. Even my opinion is not welcome. He spent three years telling me he didn't care about my feelings, and to keep my opinions to myself. If he feels controlled by me telling him my outlook or how I feel, it's because he enjoys playing the martyr.

It's just ironic to me that he totally controls almost everything(which I realize I enable, but only because it doesn't bother me), but he can throw a huge dysreguation over MY feelings. He says my feelings are "wrong", "stupid", "petty", or he'll mock me for them.

He's really a lot, lot more mentally unstable than I'd realized.

[formflier]

 

I statements are good... .and as long as they are about things you  control... .about you... .then I think you are fine and are modelling good behavior for him.

But... .if you are "telling" him that "I" think YOU should do xyz... .that is when it may come across as controlling.

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

I think my use of "I" statement is mostly when it is about my feelings. I do that so he doesn't feel blamed, but I've just decided he likes to feel blamed, no matter how many times I tell him I'm not, and that I'm just referencing MY feelings. I even have told him that not all feelings are rational, and even I don't know why I feel some things, I just do.

He doesn't even like it if I say "if I were you, I'd do this" as a suggestion, so I try hard not to do that. I was raised with my parents saying that, and I never felt like they were forcing their view onto me, it was just something to consider, and I liked having their take on things. I mean, it's weird but there is no brainstorming, or teamwork in this marriage. Suggestions are always unwanted, and in fact he finds them offensive. If it's not his idea, it's not a good idea. It's so frustrating, but that's just how he is. He hates being told what to do by anyone, which is probably why he's conflicted with so many of his bosses.

A few days ago, I asked him if he could start putting HIS towel, which is dark colored, where he always wanted me to hang mine(and I did). Of course, his is close to the shower, and I have to step out of the shower to get mine. Well, I asked him if we could switch hooks because we got nice, new body size towels, and mine is light colored, and his is dark, and I've noticed that the hook I use on the back of the door is leaving ugly dark marks on my towel. I asked him nicely, and explained about the dark marks, and how his towel is dark so they won't show. Well, he won't hang his where I've hung mine since moving here(good enough for me, not him), and he now leaves his towel ON TOP of mine, thereby making mine wet(I shower after him). It's always a no win, as I can't even ask him simple things like this. How could where he places his towel make him feel controlled, and make him be passive aggressive about a towel? I'll save myself the headache and replace the hook, but should I always have to do things like that, I think NO. And still, to him, it's about him deserving the "prime real estate" for his towel. He's always calling me petty, and I'm seriously not, but he refuses to look at his behavior. Logic, as in the dark stains on my light towel just don't enter into the equation with him.

So frustrating.