Not married, but own a home together

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 I am planning to leave my uBPDbf, we are not married but are joint owners on our house. We had a very big argument this weekend and he has clearly stated he will not be in any way amicable if/when we officially end it.  I put the down payment down on the home, so I want that back. I have paid ALL the household bills, but not the mortgage. We also have two dogs which he pays nothing for and I do all the taking care of.  He has even claimed he wants them and that's just to be mean and also hurt my d9 (which isn't his child).  95% of everything in the house is mine which I brought from my previous house.

I have come to terms that I will have to move, but I do fear he will be extremely vindictive and nasty when I make the official action to end. An example of his vindictiveness this past weekend after being out drinking together, on the way home he tried to engage me in an argument, I said nothing! When I woke the next morning there were things missing from my purse, that would not just fall out.  I don't have proof, but I went to the store to get something and asked him to look for this stuff and low and behold he just happened to find them.  And based on previous times my educated guess is since he didn't get what he want trying to get me to argue, he took or dumped my purse to cause me pain.

So I am concerned what he will do when I end the relationship.

[FigureIt]

 I am planning to leave my uBPDbf, we are not married but are joint owners on our house. We had a very big argument this weekend and he has clearly stated he will not be in any way amicable if/when we officially end it.  I put the down payment down on the home, so I want that back. I have paid ALL the household bills, but not the mortgage. We also have two dogs which he pays nothing for and I do all the taking care of.  He has even claimed he wants them and that's just to be mean and also hurt my d9 (which isn't his child).  95% of everything in the house is mine which I brought from my previous house.

I have come to terms that I will have to move, but I do fear he will be extremely vindictive and nasty when I make the official action to end. An example of his vindictiveness this past weekend after being out drinking together, on the way home he tried to engage me in an argument, I said nothing! When I woke the next morning there were things missing from my purse, that would not just fall out.  I don't have proof, but I went to the store to get something and asked him to look for this stuff and low and behold he just happened to find them.  And based on previous times my educated guess is since he didn't get what he want trying to get me to argue, he took or dumped my purse to cause me pain.

So I am concerned what he will do when I end the relationship.

[Turkish]

Firstly, do you feel safe? What does your gut tell you he might be capable as far as vindictiveness goes? Secondly, does the amount that he's paid on the mortgage come close to the down payment that you fronted? If so, I would call that a wash, and the courts might, too, since you are both on the title. If you're n the title, you're stuck without his signature to sell, short of going to court. Whats the worst case here? You move, he defaults,.your credit also gets nailed. Is it possible to work with the Staying Tools to keep t as low conflict as possible, or is that not an option?

It is unfortunate that you've paid the expenses (I'm guessing improvements, repairs, utilities and the like?), not to mention the furnishings. I took a loss on similar things, just to get my Ex to leave. We weren't married, but it was seed money to enable her to get out (to myself, I thought of it as her severence pay).

Have you consulted a L yet for options?

[FigureIt]

I feel safe physically but I feel he will destroy things of mine. Therefore I have been packing up stuff, under the guise of organizing and sorting. Also anything of non-daily use has been taken to my parents home. Before officially ending it I plan to move out my computer and printer.

I have consulted an attorney (cuz in court with my ex-husband for increase in child support), but my attorney & my financial advisor both agree I could get my down payment back and maybe 1/2 the remaining equity.

What about the dogs? I would really like to keep them both. He doesn't take care of them at all... .no feedings, vet checks, etc.

[ForeverDad]

It is critical to take photos or videos of the house, it's condition and its contents.  Of course, do it when he's not around.  Then have a trusted friend or safe place elsewhere safeguard them, you don't want them to be found when he's searching your things.  And then do it again periodically and then just as you leave for the last time.  As you've already experienced, things will go missing, he will deny he took them or that they ever existed (gaslighting).  Having proof they were there is documentation, a little toothless since courts are notorious for being weak on enforcement, but better than nothing.  For that reason it would be very smart to move your vital papers, passport, titles, account records, proof of your money used for the house, etc to very safe places he cannot access either physically or electronically.  Same when making copies of everything else.  If you have some items or furniture that you don't want to risk losing, 'sell' or 'gift' them to a very trusted friend so you can retrieve them later post-separation.  By doing it gradually over time he may not notice or overreact.

As for the pets, you may have to prove you're the one buying the pet food and paying the vet bills.  Save all those receipts.  If you can prove you are financially caring for the pets and he isn't then he really doesn't have much leverage.  Well, except for obstinacy, obstruction and delays.   Sometimes they will fight hard for anything you want.  So plan in advance to seek a little more than your share.  That way if you have to negotiate you have some reserves and may only be negotiated down to your fair share.

Another thought, when you do leave, leave when he's not around and take the dogs with you.  That puts you in control of the pets and quite often sheer possession wins out over time.  Conversely, if you leave the house then he has that in his control.  He could easily damage the home, fail to maintain it, delay getting a realtor, delay listing it, delay showing it, delay signing paperwork, etc.  You'd probably have a faster sale of the home if you had possession.  However, it is understandable if him being the one to move out doesn't happen.  Just try to keep his leverage over you to a minimum.

This will be a time for boundaries, firm ones.  Any sign of weakness or slippage and it will ramp up his sense of entitlement.  Out in the open sea with sharks nearby or treed by a pack of wolves it would be called "smelling blood".  Maybe a bit too strongly worded in your case but you get the point.

[FigureIt]

Thank you for the suggestion of pictures, I haven't done that. I was also thinking of getting a secret recording device (any recommendations?) I live in a state where you only need a one party consent. I would feel more protected. I tried using my cell phone and about a month ago he saw it and threw my phone in the toilet (and he had to replace the next day).

Completely understand about having everything somewhere else. I have changed many of my financial stuff to either electronic and/or my parents address. I've also been keeping all copies of the vet stuff, need to keep the food receipts, but majority of the time I pay by credit and it's an animal feed place so all those records are with my bank electronically.

I don't plan to move until he buys me out or the house is sold so that is one reason why I haven't told him yet.  I don't want to leave and then he claim I abandoned the house, also 90% of everything in the home is mine (furniture, decor, dishes, pots/pans, etc.)

[livednlearned]

Hi FigureIt,

It sounds like you're putting together a smart exit plan. I recommend having two devices on you to record. I used a dictaphone that I kept in my pocket and figured out how to turn it on/off very easily. Holding up a phone to record someone during an argument will likely escalate it (sounds like he has shown this already).

Do you live somewhere that you pay a pet tax for your pets? Or vet records that show you as the owner? If you do plan to keep the dogs, take them with you and let him sort through whether there are any legal ramifications.

Leverage is really important when you are ending a relationship with someone who has BPD. No lawyer will think about leverage to the extent that you will, because many of them assume that adults will behave reasonably. Leverage can mean taking the dogs (or claiming ownership somehow), changing the locks, giving him a hard deadline to get something done otherwise XYZ will happen. Always phrase everything as "if I do not hear from you by day/date, I will proceed with XYZ." That way he can't obstruct by not complying (a popular BPD response).

What would motivate him to buy you out or help sell the house if doing so means he is on his own... .if there is nothing, you have to figure out how to introduce leverage. For example, if he moves out by day/date, you will offer him XYZ. Otherwise he forfeits it and you shift to plan B, C, or D. 

It's not fun ending these relationships. I hope you're doing ok, and have someone to help you work through this, like a trusted T or friends who understand.