My replacement just told me my ex tried to hire a hit man to rough me up

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am in shock. My replacement is no longer with my ex. My previous post tell my whole story. Now I find out that my ex attempted to hire someone to break my legs. This is the same woman who wanted to marry me. I never threatened her or mistreated her. I am so confused and don't understand why she would go to such lengths to hurt me. It makes absolutely no sense. Oh, and by the way, I still love her but have always maintained no contact since our official breakup. Can someone help me with this one. Thanks in advance.   

[swimjim]

I am in shock. My replacement is no longer with my ex. My previous post tell my whole story. Now I find out that my ex attempted to hire someone to break my legs. This is the same woman who wanted to marry me. I never threatened her or mistreated her. I am so confused and don't understand why she would go to such lengths to hurt me. It makes absolutely no sense. Oh, and by the way, I still love her but have always maintained no contact since our official breakup. Can someone help me with this one. Thanks in advance.   

[Pretty Woman]

Christ.

Well that's scary.

How are you doing there, buddy?

Now keep in mind... .you and I know what liars BPD's can be. Did she just tell him this to scare him into submission? Is he vindictive because maybe she told him she was going back to you?

My ex was a liar to top all liars. She told one ex she was going back to a specific ex and dissapeared for three months. She never went back to that ex... .that ex was in a committed relationship.

Just watch your back for awhile. If she contacts stay NC. If it persists get an RO. Protect yourself.


PW

[zundertowz]

I am in shock. My replacement is no longer with my ex. My previous post tell my whole story. Now I find out that my ex attempted to hire someone to break my legs. This is the same woman who wanted to marry me. I never threatened her or mistreated her. I am so confused and don't understand why she would go to such lengths to hurt me. It makes absolutely no sense. Oh, and by the way, I still love her but have always maintained no contact since our official breakup. Can someone help me with this one. Thanks in advance.   

She may have been telling this to her ex to scare him... .My ex said once when she was mad that she was gonna stab me in my sleep... .The things that would come out of my exs mouth sometimes were just mind boggling... .alot of it was manipulaitive and to gain control over me... .I'm not someone who believes these people don't know what there doing... .there far more cunning and manipulative than some posters like to believe. 

[swimjim]

Now I don't know who is telling me the truth. If she was truly in fear of me, it becomes mind boggling. If it is true that she really wanted to rough me up, this will help me get over her. 

[blissful_camper]

That's a wake up call, yes?   Please be careful.

My ex once told me a story that frightened me. At the time it felt like a warning that was meant to keep me in line. There was a DV incident with a previous partner. He claimed that he hadn't hit her. She attempted to get a restraining order, however, due to his connections the local police departments in the area refused. She finally went to the state police, and obtained her RO. He bragged about how difficult it had been for her. Pretty scary... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey swimjim, Time to wake up and smell the coffee?  I find your post interesting because you relate how your Ex tried to hire someone to break your legs, yet in the same breath you reaffirm how much you still love your Ex.  Even if your BPDx was lying to her new SO, that would be a strange thing to lie about.  Maybe its time to extinguish the torch you're carrying for your Ex?

LuckyJim

[JQ]

swimjim,

You are treading water in shark infested waters my friend ... .be aware of everyone & everything.  My first exBPDgf was talking to a rather attractive mutual friend of ours after we had split. This mutual friend said something to the affect, "he's a nice guy, kinda cute, I would like to go out with him".  The exBPDgf turned to her with that look in her eyes, "We all know THAT look" of batsh!t crazy demon fire in her eyes and said to her ... ."if i can't have him no one will". This was over heard by a law enforcement friend of mine who then told me about the exchange.  She early in our relationship showed me how she could break into my house with the door lock with nothing more then a credit card or drivers license. So my friend help me obtain a concealed carry permit & my personal weapon. They then taught me how to clear my house, room by room, closet by closet.  Afterwards for a week or two I was ignorant ... .blissfully so.

I went out on a date, we went to my house only to find that front door swinging ... .I looked at my date, told her to lock the doors, snuck down the hallway, retrieved my weapon and started to clear my house, room by room, closet by closet as I was taught ... .then moved down to the basement & cleared it. I came out to the car putting the weapon in my back waist band and asked her if she was ok? She suggested that we go to her home ... .we did. This happened more then once over the coming months until I left the state.

NOTHING in the world of someone with BPD makes sense or is logical. Just as you should take each & every threat of suicide serious ... .you should take each & every threat of bodily harm serious. How may times have you watched the news of a love triangle go bad ... .or a ex who feels betrayed goes out & does something that didn't make sense after the fact.  You my friend need to go into counter intelligence mode ... .you need to check the back seat & floor board before you get into your car/truck/suv. You need to watch to see if anyone is following you in the car when you go someplace. You need to be hyper aware of things around you for the near future. YOU need to go full NC.  If you don't think it could happen to you ... .remember the movie "Fatal Attraction" ... .the kids pet rabbit found in the pot of boiling water? 

And I"m with LuckyJim ... .if you still "love" her ... .you have to ask yourself why? Maybe some counseling could help you find the answer that escapes you ... .maybe you could learn more about yourself & your behavior that can only benefit you in future relationships ... . 

Stay safe, be careful

JQ

[JQ]

Swimjim & group,

I think we all should read & more importantly remind ourselves of what a relationship with a BPD is, how it evolves, why we do what we do or act ... .I've included a link to an article from this site ... .this might be a good place for you to start or restart the thought process of your relationship with BPD ... .it's a good reminder for all of us.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

JQ

[swimjim]

Hey swimjim, Time to wake up and smell the coffee?  I find your post interesting because you relate how your Ex tried to hire someone to break your legs, yet in the same breath you reaffirm how much you still love your Ex.  Even if your BPDx was lying to her new SO, that would be a strange thing to lie about.  Maybe its time to extinguish the torch you're carrying for your Ex?

LuckyJim

Hi LuckyJim. Maybe my replacement is lying to me. I don't even know anymore who is telling the truth anymore. I asked him why she would want to do this. He said she feared me. At the time she tried to find the hitman, I had already maintained no contact for 3 months. It makes no sense. I understand what you are saying. Maybe I am stuck because for some distortion in her head, I caused her to have these negative thoughts. 

[swimjim]

swimjim,

You are treading water in shark infested waters my friend ... .be aware of everyone & everything.  My first exBPDgf was talking to a rather attractive mutual friend of ours after we had split. This mutual friend said something to the affect, "he's a nice guy, kinda cute, I would like to go out with him".  The exBPDgf turned to her with that look in her eyes, "We all know THAT look" of batsh!t crazy demon fire in her eyes and said to her ... ."if i can't have him no one will". This was over heard by a law enforcement friend of mine who then told me about the exchange.  She early in our relationship showed me how she could break into my house with the door lock with nothing more then a credit card or drivers license. So my friend help me obtain a concealed carry permit & my personal weapon. They then taught me how to clear my house, room by room, closet by closet.  Afterwards for a week or two I was ignorant ... .blissfully so.

I went out on a date, we went to my house only to find that front door swinging ... .I looked at my date, told her to lock the doors, snuck down the hallway, retrieved my weapon and started to clear my house, room by room, closet by closet as I was taught ... .then moved down to the basement & cleared it. I came out to the car putting the weapon in my back waist band and asked her if she was ok? She suggested that we go to her home ... .we did. This happened more then once over the coming months until I left the state.

NOTHING in the world of someone with BPD makes sense or is logical. Just as you should take each & every threat of suicide serious ... .you should take each & every threat of bodily harm serious. How may times have you watched the news of a love triangle go bad ... .or a ex who feels betrayed goes out & does something that didn't make sense after the fact.  You my friend need to go into counter intelligence mode ... .you need to check the back seat & floor board before you get into your car/truck/suv. You need to watch to see if anyone is following you in the car when you go someplace. You need to be hyper aware of things around you for the near future. YOU need to go full NC.  If you don't think it could happen to you ... .remember the movie "Fatal Attraction" ... .the kids pet rabbit found in the pot of boiling water? 

And I"m with LuckyJim ... .if you still "love" her ... .you have to ask yourself why? Maybe some counseling could help you find the answer that escapes you ... .maybe you could learn more about yourself & your behavior that can only benefit you in future relationships ... . 

Stay safe, be careful

JQ

thanks JQ for your response. I did not buy her the ring she wanted because I was not ready at the time. Now I blame myself because I could have married her but my gut instinct told me to hold off. She moved 3 thousand miles to my home town to date me. I told her not to move close to me at that time because I was not sure we were ready for that kind of relationship. She came anyway. The marriage ultimatum came 5 months later. Too soon for me but I did love her. I never dreamed she would resort to calling the police, filing a false restraining order, dating my ex best friend, and of course, the latest news, hiring someone to break my legs. Why do I feel so much guilt like I caused her to do these crazy things.

[JQ]

[/quote]
thanks JQ for your response. I did not buy her the ring she wanted because I was not ready at the time. Now I blame myself because I could have married her but my gut instinct told me to hold off. She moved 3 thousand miles to my home town to date me. I told her not to move close to me at that time because I was not sure we were ready for that kind of relationship. She came anyway. The marriage ultimatum came 5 months later. Too soon for me but I did love her. I never dreamed she would resort to calling the police, filing a false restraining order, dating my ex best friend, and of course, the latest news, hiring someone to break my legs. Why do I feel so much guilt like I caused her to do these crazy things.[/quote]
Swimjim,

Riddle me this ... .why in the hell do you feel guilty for NOT buying her the ring she wanted?  If you WOULD of married her she would of got 1/2 of everything you own ... .just 5 months after you got married ... .so IMHO YOU ARE THE LUCKY ONE!    You here it all the time in the forum ... ."my gut was telling me something" " I should have listen to my guy".   Trust your gut ... .it's right a majority of the time.     You should not ... .let me repeat that ... .YOU SHOULD NO FEEL GUITY ABOUT ANYTHING!   She does those "crazy things" because she has a severe behavior illness that happened LOONG before you were in the picture. YOU can't CONTROL it ... .YOU can't CURE it!    You must know that without a lifetime of therapy from mental health professionals she's never going to get better ... .and evidence suggest that it's not a one and done type therapy but a lifetime of therapy that she'll want to go to learn why she behaves the way she does & wants to change the way she behaves. You, nor anyone else can force her to go ... .it's just the way it is.  Like everyone here has suggested ... .go full NC and move on with your life if that is the direction you really want to go. If you decide to stay with her know that not only her but you'll need a lifetime of therapy because of the mental drain you'll experience ... .ask yourself this question ... .do you want this type of relationship 10 months from now ... .much less 10 years from now? Will she be a good mother to your kids? A good example of what a loving, caring & mutual respectful relationship is suppose to be like?

Be care, be safe ... .

J

[rotiroti]

Hey SwimJames,

sounds like your gut instinct was DEAD on.

Have you ever been caused to take an action because of someone? Sure perhaps some people might influence your decisions, but it ultimately is up to you to act on them. While it's easy to blame the diagnosis of BPD for pwBPD's actions, they can and should be held accountable for them.

You did not cause nor warrant behavior to have your legs broken.

You should not feel guilty for not buying a ring on an ultimatum. Wouldn't you agree?

You should not feel guilty for listening to your gut instint/values. Wouldn't you agree?

Just saying.

[blissful_camper]

Hey swimjim, Time to wake up and smell the coffee?  I find your post interesting because you relate how your Ex tried to hire someone to break your legs, yet in the same breath you reaffirm how much you still love your Ex.  Even if your BPDx was lying to her new SO, that would be a strange thing to lie about.  Maybe its time to extinguish the torch you're carrying for your Ex?

LuckyJim

Hi LuckyJim. Maybe my replacement is lying to me. I don't even know anymore who is telling the truth anymore. I asked him why she would want to do this. He said she feared me. At the time she tried to find the hitman, I had already maintained no contact for 3 months. It makes no sense. I understand what you are saying. Maybe I am stuck because for some distortion in her head, I caused her to have these negative thoughts. 

I understand how confusing this can be.  I think it's natural to question as you are, but where are you in this dialog? That's the piece that concerns me. True or not, do you feel that you're putting yourself and your emotional/physical safety first?  If not, why not?  

If you give yourself the chance to really move forward, I bet that your perspective and your feelings will shift.

I'm two years out and life feels really good again. Give yourself the opportunity to get there too.  

[swimjim]

Thanks for your replies. I don't think I am in any danger anymore. I am off her radar. She just got married to the guy who replaced myf replacement.  She recently reached out to my replacement to ask for an item back that he borrowed from her last year that only cost 50.00. After a couple phone calls between them, he gets a threatening email from her husband telling him to leave his wife alone or you will be sorry. Hmm! Then she calls him to tell him not to worry, her husband is just possessive.  I am two replacements in her past. I don't understand why I still think about her. I am puzzled that she feared me. She split me black in the worst possible way. I want to get to the place of indifference where I just don't care anymore. I know never to go back. It is just very painful to be thought of as a husband and then feared. Is that part of her maladptive coping? Does it have anything to do with distorted thinking?

[rotiroti]

This is not true in every situation, but isn't there a saying along the lines of: the harder they push, the more important the r/s was for them (larger engulfment trigger)

[swimjim]

This is not true in every situation, but isn't there a saying along the lines of: the harder they push, the more important the r/s was for them (larger engulfment trigger)

[/qu ote] .That may be the case. She literally worshipped me during the idealization phase. I truly felt that she loved me. But when I told her I wanted us to take things a little slower, I believe she started devaluing me. I did not know anything about BPD at the time or I would have tried working with her in reference to her disorder. Would I have still been painted black if I married her. It was so important to her to get married. Now she got her wish. Maybe her husband will keep her happy now that she is married.