I don't understand... BPD and/or something else?

[klacey3]

I am starting to wonder whether my ex really was BPD or something else or aswell as something else...

During the first 5-6 months or so he wouldnt commit to an official labelled relationship but he would tell me he wasnt seeing anyone else and nearly every night i spent with him he would tell me he would regret it if he lost me and he felt really lucky to have me. Several times he told me he thought I was too good for him and thought I was better in every way - looks, personality, career, financially etc.

After a few months i found out he had been on a dating site while i was on holiday. He denied it at first and then gave me an explanation of how he wanted to prove to someone that they had a dating account. He also said a friend of his had flirted with him and he was innocent. I messaged this person who showed me that she had told him she wasnt attracted to him and him telling her she was attractive and it bothers him she isnt attracted to him and doesnt like the thought of her with anyone else. He told me he didnt mean what he said to her and he regrets saying it but he DIDNT FEEL GUILT because apparently it was words he didnt mean so it didnt matter.

During all of this time I would always drive to see him, he would do what he wanted which was watch football most of the time. He very rarely missed a game and told me i could watch it with him or see it afterwards. I started to request he see's me more often and he would tell me that it wasnt fair because I could drive and he couldnt so it was alot easier for me and if i wanted him to travel i would have to be fair and use public transport myself so I knew what it was like. On christmas day he cancelled on me because he told me i was being argumentative by asking whether he still wanted me to come in response to him telling me i didnt have to see him if he didnt want to. On new years eve he cancelled because i told him i was going to dress up. He told me i was pressuring him and didnt want to come anymore. I told him he could wear what he wants and i would dress casually then. He said i was guilt tripping him and annoying him even more.

He started accusing me of cheating all of the time. If i was texting him in a club with my friends he would tell me if i didnt ring him it would prove that i am with another guy even after me explaining it was too loud. If ever we got in an argument and he wanted to talk to me and i didnt reply to a message or answer the phone he would accuse me of cheating and tell me if i didnt then he would join a dating site or meet his ex. He would then tell me how she treated him so much better and would be proud of her and how much his family likes her more than me. Then later he would tell me he didnt mean it he only said it to hurt me because he was hurt i wouldnt talk to him. He would say his family said i was 10 times better than her and much prefer me to her and how he doesnt care about her in that way anymore.  He would use dating sites/his ex to hurt me many times and tell me he didnt mean it only to do it again. Told me several times he wouldnt let anyone screw him over and get away with it.

He would never get a job. He told me he wouldnt work in a job that was beneath him. He told me he is going to be an actor on television. Encouraged him to get a job in the meantime as plan B and he would tell me he knows he will make it big because he is far better than most actors on television and if they could do it so could he. He has never actually been on anything other than be a part of a student film that college students make, nothing big. Yet he got extremely angry when i didnt praise him for this and told me if i didnt ring him then he would post nasty things about me on facebook to 'put me to shame for being disgusting' this is when he told me he would 'f*ck me up me mentally'. He told me his plan was to commit suicide and he had suicide letters written out which later changed his mind about. He accused me of lying about a family member being ill as an excuse to be a sl*t. He told me he loved me and he was sorry.

since being broken up and trying to have no contact he has told me he got back with his ex (the one he used to compare me to that also apparently accused him of rape and was 'evil', he broke up with her because he realised no1 would compare to me, i am the one, he loves me more than anything. His life means nothing without me. He is suicidal. When i told him i would tell people if i thought he would he then told me it was a joke, then later told me it wasnt a joke he just didnt want people to know. He went through stages of telling me i was a compulsive liar, i was horrible, an attention seeker, and derogatory sexual terms like sl*t. Then he would tell me how I was the love of his life again. Offered me money to meet him. Then told me how awful i was and used alot of verbal abuse and manipulation. Then most recently he confessed he used me for money, he didnt care about me ever, he cheated on me several times with several people and everyone knew but nobody cared because they all hated me and how he was always in love with his ex and always will be and he always used to watch football and not want to spend proper time with me because he thought i was extremely boring. I thought he may have said this impulsively but even days after that he would message and say "how does it feel" "im going on a date tomorrow" "tell *persons name* hello. I used to think about them every time we were in bed together. I really fancy them".

I have no idea what is true and what isnt true anymore... does this sound more like BPD or narcissistic?

[ScorpioLaw]

 My ex was the opposite of a raging BPD, which ironically made it harder for me. I can deal with a ___ storm but not someone who holds it all in. She was too afraid to speak her mind, when I became too important to lose. So it was easier for her to ignore everything. So wether or not she had BPD - she still was technically a sweet girl with me. Until a flip switched.

I'm on these boards trying to figure out how to, interact with her. Just one last time so I can convince her to grab 90% of all her possessions.

Anyways my point is everyone is different. What is your end game? How come you're asking, and will it matter? NPD/BPD are just words.

He sounds like a cruel man. I think he's definitely more NPD but I don't think it matters what he's diagnoised as. Because he seems like a very cruel person, and since he's a grown man he knows at least logically it's wrong.

I'd say anyone who can say that type of thing over and over with no apology deserves to be left alone by you.

[Sadly]

Well Klacey, I am actually shocked, despite everything I have read here this past couple of months. I have been through very bad times, accusations of lying cheating fierce anger, terrible hurt and rejection you name it but never have I had the deliberate despicable cruelty that you have been going through. My ex is mentally ill with BPD and there are reasons for his behaviour. I can see his pain as well as my own. I know there are degrees but I am sorry this person sounds like he is the embodiment of evil. Maybe I am wrong to use those words but quite frankly I don't really care.

[klacey3]

Thanks for your responses. It matters because I feel like I need to understand what happened to move on. It doesnt feel as bad to be hurt unintentionally by someone with BPD than deliberately by someone that really never cared about me and likes to hurt other people. It would help give me closure to understand.

He would sometimes apologise but he would do the same thing again or say things like "if you hadnt done x then i wouldnt have done y" "you are forgetting all of the bad things you have done"  though there were times like when he upset me about some flirty emotional things he said to another girl he said he felt no guilt as he didnt mean it. Apologised for accusing me of lying about my fanily member having a life threatening illness and then 10 minutes later swearing at me and taking back his apology when i blocked him on one platform of messaging.

I am shocked aswell... all this time I thought he was too emotional to process emotions and he didnt like hurting me he was just too dysregulated. Now I think the problem is that he doesnt have many emotions at all, including empathy and he does like hurting me if he doesnt get the attention he feels he is entitled to.

[Sadly]

Yeah, you know thinking about it; in this wobbly world of ours their are non's who are lovely people and non's who are very nasty people. Therefore it stands to reason there are pwBPD regardless of their disorder who can be nice and those who can be down right nasty. I am sure someone can put this in far less clumsy words than I have just done but I hope it makes some sense

[klacey3]

Yeah, you know thinking about it; in this wobbly world of ours their are non's who are lovely people and non's who are very nasty people. Therefore it stands to reason there are pwBPD regardless of their disorder who can be nice and those who can be down right nasty. I am sure someone can put this in far less clumsy words than I have just done but I hope it makes some sense

Do you think he even seems BPD or just something else... ?

[Sadly]

Do you know sweetheart I don't have a clue. I am new to all this myself and am really not qualified to give an opinion but I know there are many on here who can and will.

On my level of knowledge he sounds like BPD but seriously nasty to boot. Which is probably a fat lot of help but am sure the answers will be coming soon so hang on in there. Big   while your waiting. x

[klacey3]

I suppose the intentional hurt is more of a reflection on him being a nasty person rather than mental illness then?

Though I do think he seems either npd or BPD in addition... ?

[Sadly]

Like I said Honey I am not experienced enough to decide but what I meant was yes I do think he has a PD and he is also a nasty person to boot. One does not necessarily exclude the other. Hang in there and wait for the more experienced people to reply. They will give you all the help, and benefits of their experience that you need. All I can do is give you virtual hugs and   from one sufferer to another. 

[Wall bike]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  involvement with someone with a mental disorder can make you disappear into a fog and doubt what you know to be true. Regardless of his diagnosis, do you want to live this way?  Be disrespected, hurt, frustrated?  This is who he is.  This is the person in your life.  Read your post over and over.  What would you tell a friend?  Love yourself.  Work on yourself and realize that love should not hurt.

[klacey3]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  involvement with someone with a mental disorder can make you disappear into a fog and doubt what you know to be true. Regardless of his diagnosis, do you want to live this way?  Be disrespected, hurt, frustrated?  This is who he is.  This is the person in your life.  Read your post over and over.  What would you tell a friend?  Love yourself.  Work on yourself and realize that love should not hurt.

No I didnt want to live that way, thats why I left. I just wish I had some more understanding... eg. Borderline or narcisstic. If it was intentional  and all just a game to get his meeds met or whether he did have feelings for me at times.