Grieving for the mother that I will never have

[survivor1990]

My mother had uBPD. When I was a child, one minute she was charming and lovely and I was the idealised child on the pedestal. During those times, she was wonderful and supportive and loving. However, I constantly felt I was walking on egg shells, waiting for the monster to arise. The monster I describe is the same person - my mother. This time she is cruel, she insults me, humiliates me, and frightens me. She makes me feel worthless and unlovable. As a child, I thought I was bad, and that explained her switching into the monster. In some ways it was easier believing that, because I thought we have a good relationship. Yes, she did terrify me, but that was my fault after all, right?

As I have grown up and sought therapy, I have slowly begun to realise that I am not bad, and in actual fact my mother subjected me to child abuse and neglect. The love she gave me was a way of pulling me in close and not wanting anyone else to have me. The love she gave me was dependent on me doing what she wanted.Her love was stifling and suffocating me. You can't see it when you are a child, because it is incomprehensible (and scary) to most children that their parent may not even be capable of unconditional love and providing security and safety.

Facing the person she really is has been the hardest thing ever. I always used to think maybe if I behaved this way things will be better, or maybe if I wasn't such a bad daughter then she wouldn't rage at me. However, I've now realised that this problem is within her - not me. Along with this epiphany has come the realisation that I will never have the mum that I want.

All those ideals we hold about mother-daughter relationships: sharing secrets, going to them when you have no-one else, knowing they are always there, having family meals togeather, sharing your excitement and joy when you first get engaged, married, or pregnant. I will never have that.

I look into my childhood and grieve for all the things I missed out on and can never get back - the simple things. I'll never get to be that care-free child, how could I when I never felt safe? I was parentified from a young age, and never felt like others were there to support me and love me. When other people remember fun at Christmas and joy, all i remember is hiding under the bed at 3am, hearing my parents fighting and hoping my they wouldn't kill each other. Sometimes my boyfriend shares childhood memories with me, and I burst into tears because all I can remember is abuse, neglect, and feeling unsafe and unloved.

I'm still going through the grieving process and trying to accept the mother-daughter relationship for what it is. I have come to accept that my mother is not capable of giving me love in the way that I would like her to, so I have stopped trying to jump through her hoops in the hope that I can make her be the mum that I want. At the same time, I feel my realisation has set me free from a lifetime of blaming myself and living my life within her confines. It has also stopped me from being so disappointed when she lets me down - rather than hoping she will behave in the way I want her to, I have accepted that this is who she is, and there is nothing I can do to change it.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi survivor1990,

Thank you for sharing yourself here.

I have spent some time reading around and focusing lately regarding parental bond.  What spurred me to put attention to this is the grief I have felt over the loss of my SD14, who was eventually alienated from me.

I found it comforting to read about how children are naturally driven for bonding and completing that feeling of feeling bonded to parents.  Even children abused, feel a great sense of wanting to complete that bond desire with their parents.  

I realize that sometimes for kids, because of the desire to bond is pretty much primary to survival, it overrides other desires and abilities to process their thoughts, feelings and surroundings in a healthy way.  So if a parent is being abusive, the child will alter their perception in order to protect the primary bond drive continue on.  This is what I was observing with my SD14 as she was shaken to the core and her parents love and bonding ability was held away from her as a condition for being who they wanted her to be in the moment. (Often a source of parental emotional soothing, or narcissistic supply)

I realize this sounds like an extreme example, however, I relate to and am still bothered by the idea of having to preserve my own survival, by altering perceptions until something could fit.  Then when a parent is irrational and unstable, they change the reality again, then I would again have to adjust to what was before me.  I spent my childhood mostly in my mind in a never ending loop trying to dissect and make sense of the irrational... .feeling quite uncertain of everything.

I am triggered by invalidating environments.  I hope that I will one day feel secure enough to not be affected by external experiences, and just let them wash over me more than feeling a strong urge for dissecting them to ensure I'm not the "crazy" one... .and that I have a secure understanding that I can be at peace with.

I grieve for my lack of ease with being grounded and present.  I grieve, as this feeling of being in a world where nobody understands me... .because they were "crazy" and I was trying to understand it... .has now left me "different" and ironically, now because of the rewiring my brain has undergone... .I am often not understood in "non crazy" company... .or rather, my history and parts of who I am are not really easily relatable.

I am sorry for your loss survivor... .

Your loss of ... .

childhood

Security

Safety

Acceptance

Freedom

Self trust

Space

Joy

And being someones child, that is respected, cherished and loved just because.