UBPDw has escalated her anger

[TheRealJongoBong]

So my uBPDw and I have been having our troubles and last night things escalated. While I was in the shower my wife called the cops on me because I accidently left the gate open and her dog was on the front porch barking.  She demanded they come in person, and spent the next 1/2 hour waiting for them outside wearing nothing but a torn bathrobe. I put on some clothes and sat on the porch calmly (well, as much as I could) waiting for them also. After the 1/2 hour passed she reappeared from the darkness and said she called them off. I wished her a good night and went to bed after texting my sister what was going on in case things got worse.

From what I've been reading here this change is just in the normal course of events. It sure doesn't feel that way to me. She has never split so black on me before. Is this behavior what I should expect in the future? What I'm most worried about is that, since she's not having any success getting a rise out of me doing the regular emotional abuse things (name calling, criticizing, accusing, gaslighting), is that now she's going to just keep escalating until I either leave or she gets me thrown in jail. She's never been physically abusive, nor have I.  :)o you think I have to consider that physical abuse/threats are going to become reality?

I wrote this same post in staying/leaving but got no replies. Help?

[shatra]

It is unclear why the police were called. Is it a crime to leave the gate unlocked?  If she calls them over this, it is possible she may call them again.  Has she broken up with you before?

[klacey3]

Physical abuse does not always happen in emotionally abusive relationships. So I wouldn't worry greatly about that unless she threatens to hurt you physically.

Also, if she calls the police over things such as you leaving the gate unlocked the police will do nothing and actually will probably find it amusing or annoying that she considers this a crime worth calling about. The police wont take her seriously if she does things like this.

What do you want to do?

[TheRealJongoBong]

She became very angry because the dog was outside barking. When she found the dog on the porch she immediately blamed me and immediately assumed I did it purposefully to, what, I don't know. I figured the police were not going to do anything and I was right, but it did destroy my peace of mind (hopefully I didn't show my distress to her). My only explanation for calling the police is she's quickly using up her methods to get to me. I don't respond (at least to her satisfaction) to her insults, criticisms, accusations, and gaslighting, so what does she have left? Threatening divorce? She already used that card this last week. And no, she's never broken up with me before. As far as I can tell all of her past relationships ended with her partner leaving, not her. I haven't left so far because that's what she wants (and I say if she wants to separate she can leave), but also to see if her rage will finally break and maybe she'll accept that I'm not the one driving her crazy, she is.

What do I want to do? At this point I just want out. If she's predictably crazy and only tries FOG me I can handle that. Harassing me using the authorities or physically attacking me is something I won't accept for very long. Last week I wanted out because she was baiting me back and forth with a choice between a vacation and a divorce. Every week is a new thing.

[klacey3]

Well if you want out there are some good articles on here to advise you on the best way to do so. I hope she does not contact the authorities again. And if she threatens violence you can protect yourself with the help of authorities

[Sunfl0wer]

MC was dumbfounded that police were called with no real reason.

I believe the times my ex called the police, was:

1. A method of intimidation

2. It was a way for him "to get someone on his side" as if to "prove" he was right in the argument.

3. He wanted to feel "stronger" in the argument.  His fear of "losing" was like a real fear, and he actually was feeling fear = Sunflower must not be a safe person.

[Sunfl0wer]

Oh, and for my r/s, once this started happening, it was the indicator that I had become a trigger for him.  I do not think there was turning back for us once I was seen as a trigger. 

All I could do was keep to myself and be certain to not unintentionally do a single thing that could be misconstrued or used against me.  I began documenting and telling MC as I was a bit worried, he was behaving delusional.  He never seemed previously paranoid at all, however, once this began, it began to spiral and cycle as he became hypersensitive and acted like any harmless question was proof of me wanting to harm him. 

He literally freaked out when I thanked him for cooking vegetables.  He somehow twisted that into me trying to insult his past cooking and trashing him.  He began responding to me as though he were in another world.  This was not a man I had at all been familiar with the previous 5 years.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Sunflower, this is exactly how my wife has been behaving. Everything I say is either treated with silence or snarkiness. One of the things she shouted last night was "I'm not going to be blamed for anything anymore!", which I think referred to the last time someone left the gate open. Maybe it was her, maybe it was me, I don't know. She "knew" that I was blaming her for that time.

I've also noticed that her paranoia has gone through the roof. Everything I do seems to be suspect and aimed solely to discredit her or bamboozle her in some way. I also don't see how anything will get better if I'm now the trigger for her perceived problems. It would also explain why she makes an effort to keep the dog away from me. She thinks I'm "doing something" with him so that he dislikes her.

It's so sad and twisted.

[Sunfl0wer]

I am sorry you are going through this TRJB!

This was a confusing time in my r/s.  It made me feel very disoriented and confused.  I had a hard time believing he actually thought I meant him ill, when in fact, I had been working mostly to maintain things quite calm and pleasant.

Here is wiki definition:

Persecutory delusions are a delusional condition in which the affected person believes they are being persecuted. Specifically, they have been defined as containing two central elements:[1]The individual thinks that harm is occurring, or is going to occur.

The individual thinks that the perceived persecutor has the intention to cause harm.



I remember going into MC for a solo and telling MC that BF was hyper alert and in a mode where he appeared to be looking out for a sign or signal to "prove" I was "the enemy." I was fearful of how he would "express" his proof, if any were given.  MC asked me how I would handle this.  I stated that I would ensure that BF actually had no valid reason to think I was his enemy, and I would do my best to keep the atmosphere as calming/non confrontational as possible.

Even the stress of "confronting" him about where a fork was, could freak him.  I began to realize, that no "proof" needed to be given.  As if I would not be instigated into "behaving badly," then he was going to still think it so strongly, that he would invent some "bad behavior" of mine.

I promise you.  He was not like this all the time I knew him.  This was "insane" to me.  Honestly, it started freaking me out and triggering my own past trauma and made ME feel unsafe as I started to realize that we were continuing to head towards new, "insane" territory.  He pressed with attempts to instigate, was met with nothing, then even freaked that I didn't respond as he predicted.

He took to "hiding" and avoiding me in the house.  He was being bizarre, I believe his own thoughts and fears were just growing and growing and he had a pop or two... .but I think if it went on another several weeks... .I have no idea what would happen.

By the way... .I did mention he was otherwise high functioning, and more N/BPDtraits vs full blown PD?  However, the end of things... .really was a breakdown of his mind and processing the end of the r/s.

Next MC session, after MC met with him, in my solo, I was told "it was over."

I think MC may have seen something bad coming.

I certainly do not believe that there was a single thing I could do to improve that situation after I became the trigger.  I have read some stories around here and have not seen a situation where recovery from that happened.  However, I have not read every story.  Maybe it is possible, however, I think likely there just needs a return to feeling safe before anything can be done... .and as long as you represent danger, I'm not sure how that can occur in your presence.  I think it is natural though, that until an immediate safety is restored as a baseline, not much else can be addressed.

There was another post here that discussed this as well.  It went into detail of how the person is living an emotional flashback and transferring issues onto you from the past.

In my case, I know he was treating me as though he believed I was his abusive ex wife who literally did try to use, abuse, and destroy him.  It is very sad.  I was loving him. I was not perfect, but my motives genuine.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Well, here's the newest. The police came over to the house today when I was at work and uNPDw tells them that I'm giving drugs and having sex with the boys who live down the street. She also tells them her phone is tapped, and I don't know what else. They go across the street and check it out with the boys - they say I've said something to them about once a year (which is what I told the police later, after they called me), and that's all. They then suggested to me that my wife be evaluated by a mental health professional. I've contacted her daughter and ex to see what they say, as well as members of my family. I'm pretty powerless right now as she wouldn't do it for my asking, she won't even talk to me.

She's away right now (was going when I got the call). It might be good to have an exit plan, and be on my toes. I don't plan to get upset about it with her, and will only discuss it with her if she brings it up. Her ex is a nurse at the county jail, I'm going to talk with him tomorrow.

[babyducks]

Hi RealJongoBong

I am going to urge you to take this very seriously and sit down and consider a safety plan.

Do you know why they picked the name borderline?   Because the experts felt the people who suffer from this disorder are on the border of being psychotic.   

In one episode my partner disassociated so badly she became psychotic for about a week.   Her behavior had no limits and no logic.   It was frightening and it was dangerous for both of us.   

Making a safety plan is sitting down when there is nothing going on, when you are calm,  hopefully with the help of clear minded people and working through the possibilities.   What do I do if she calls my place of employment with lies?   What do I do if she threatens or attacks me?   What do I do if she threatens or hurts herself?  Where are the spare keys, the bank books,  the credit cards?   Pack a bag and keep it in the car.

Hopefully you will never need to use any of that.   Still it is a million times better to have a plan than to try to wing it when things are going badly.

Go visit the legal board.   She is embroiling you in legal problems and is unlikely to stop.   

From what you are describing she is continuing to escalate and you need to be careful of your safety.  This is a serious mental illness.

'ducks

[TheRealJongoBong]

Thanks for the advice babyducks. I've already communicated her actions to my and her families, and I have been updating my management at work as well. If she threatens or attacks me I am going to remove myself as quickly as possible and call 911, not necessarily in that order. If she threatens to hurt herself or actually does in I'm going to call 911. I am keeping my keys, wallet, and access to all records with me at all times so I can depart at a moments notice. I haven't got the emergency bag packed yet, I am going to do that this evening.

I'm not sure what you mean by the legal board. I definitely need to protect myself from legal problems, so any advice here will be welcome. I'll work on this issue today.

Thanks for everybody's support! I would have been way more lost and confused had you all not been there to listen to my ranting, telling your stories that I could relate to my life, and your advice.

[babyducks]

There is another board here that focuses entirely on legal issues.   Pop over and have a  look.

It's called Family Law, divorce and custody.

It's worth a read.

[KateCat]

There is another board here that focuses entirely on legal issues.   Pop over and have a  look.

It's called Family Law, divorce and custody.

That is the best forum for specific practical cautions for men who may have to contend with false accusations of domestic violence. Some of the  men who post there have been there and done that (including even brief stints in a jail cell).

You might ask on that board if anyone feels it is still safe for you to be alone with your wife without the presence of an adult third-party as witness.

[TheRealJongoBong]

So far the advice is that I should be very careful around her, and document everything including sound and video recordings. I plan now to be gone over the weekend and then evaluate things then. I'm going to be very careful tonight and if necessary I'm going to stay elsewhere. New updates are

1. All of her family members and friends I've talked to/heard from have said that she has been acting even stranger than usual this last week.

2. No one has been able to get a hold of her today. I sent one text message early this morning asking if she wanted to talk about yesterday but received no response. All say that today her phone # is disconnected.

3. Her daughter talked with her old therapist and got some names for new ones. She hasn't been able to communicate with her mother as far as I know.

[LonelyChild]

So my uBPDw and I have been having our troubles and last night things escalated. While I was in the shower my wife called the cops on me because I accidently left the gate open and her dog was on the front porch barking.  She demanded they come in person, and spent the next 1/2 hour waiting for them outside wearing nothing but a torn bathrobe. I put on some clothes and sat on the porch calmly (well, as much as I could) waiting for them also. After the 1/2 hour passed she reappeared from the darkness and said she called them off. I wished her a good night and went to bed after texting my sister what was going on in case things got worse.

From what I've been reading here this change is just in the normal course of events. It sure doesn't feel that way to me. She has never split so black on me before. Is this behavior what I should expect in the future? What I'm most worried about is that, since she's not having any success getting a rise out of me doing the regular emotional abuse things (name calling, criticizing, accusing, gaslighting), is that now she's going to just keep escalating until I either leave or she gets me thrown in jail. She's never been physically abusive, nor have I.  Do you think I have to consider that physical abuse/threats are going to become reality?

I wrote this same post in staying/leaving but got no replies. Help?

An advice to keep in mind in the midst of all chaos: ALWAYS keep your calm. Bite your tongue if you have to, then go out in the woods and kick a tree. But DO NOT let her move you emotionally. This gives her all control and she will use it to manipulate you and put blame on you. ALWAYS keep cool.

[TheRealJongoBong]

An advice to keep in mind in the midst of all chaos: ALWAYS keep your calm. Bite your tongue if you have to, then go out in the woods and kick a tree. But DO NOT let her move you emotionally. This gives her all control and she will use it to manipulate you and put blame on you. ALWAYS keep cool.

This is excellent advice for anyone in a relationship with BPD.  I've been using this strategy and it is very helpful to keep the situation contained. It definitely deflated my wife when she called the police on me the first time and I calmly agreed to wait for them instead of asking WHY THE F*** DID YOU CALL THE POLICE FOR SUCH A TINY THING? like i wanted to. Of course the side effect is my wife no longer gets her emotional supply, which leads to escalation, which leads to calls to the police... .

[TheRealJongoBong]

When I got home from work today my uBPDw is talking to me again like nothing happened. I told her what the police told me and she said it didn't happen like that at all. She says she didn't call the police (which the police said ). She says they came over because the kid across the street was making up stories and they wanted to investigate. She says they also said that she was to stay away from this kid, and that they would call me to tell me the same thing. She says the police man who talked to me got it all wrong.

I'm a little disbelieving of this story. I'm going to try and get a copy of the police report tomorrow because it makes my head hurt. I'd swear she's gotten her emotions fix and now is purring like a kitten. The whole episode makes me doubt my sanity as usual. I think that it's always like this, that she does some outrageous thing and then muddles the trail with some plausible pack of lies. After awhile I don't know if I'm coming or going, or whether I'm the one who is crazy.

And her phone # was disconnected because she wanted a new number. That makes no sense, unless you're trying to hide from somebody or you think your phone is tapped. I feel like I'm in Oz.

[LonelyChild]

When I got home from work today my uBPDw is talking to me again like nothing happened. I told her what the police told me and she said it didn't happen like that at all. She says she didn't call the police (which the police said ). She says they came over because the kid across the street was making up stories and they wanted to investigate. She says they also said that she was to stay away from this kid, and that they would call me to tell me the same thing. She says the police man who talked to me got it all wrong.

I'm a little disbelieving of this story. I'm going to try and get a copy of the police report tomorrow because it makes my head hurt. I'd swear she's gotten her emotions fix and now is purring like a kitten. The whole episode makes me doubt my sanity as usual. I think that it's always like this, that she does some outrageous thing and then muddles the trail with some plausible pack of lies. After awhile I don't know if I'm coming or going, or whether I'm the one who is crazy.

And her phone # was disconnected because she wanted a new number. That makes no sense, unless you're trying to hide from somebody or you think your phone is tapped. I feel like I'm in Oz.

You need to get out of Oz ASAP and understand that she's dragging you out of your own reality. Mine always did the same - after bouts of craziness, acted like nothing had happened. I think this is partly due to feelings of shame and also denial. Like a child caught with doing something; "no, it wasn't me, I don't know who it was." The lies are not merely to avoid punishment, but also the same kind of denial - projecting onto reality and not accepting it as it is.

You're in the leaving board so I'm assuming you're working to leave her? I don't know how long you've been together, but things won't change. Ever. She might manage to come up with better strategies in calmer and safer situation, but the slightest amount of pressure or stress will bring her back to ther destructive coping strategies (since she'd be given no time to think before acting). Reparenting is the only option.

[TheRealJongoBong]

You know, one of the 1st things to occur to me after my call with the police was that my wife is hurt but she's finally going to get help. I called people for ideas on how to get her into therapy, looked up my insurance to see where I could go, stuff like that. Then when I got home yesterday and she was talking on the phone with people, I could tell she felt way better than the previous week.  I could hear a few snatches of conversation here and there and it was clear that she was putting a fresh coat of paint on her persona, that nothing was wrong with her and how she's so misunderstood. If she does go see a therapist she's just going to bamboozle him/her like she's done every other therapist in the past. She's going to use them for her emotional supply, and she's going to enjoy screwing with their minds like she does everybody else. Nothing is going to change. 

I am such a sucker.

[LonelyChild]

Nothing is going to change.

Most likely correct. If you decide to stay, it might be good for you to feel that you get something from her back. Ie, you could demand that she see a T regularly and that she makes certain progress (you can discuss this with the T). Do not accept status quo. It will hurt even more for you down the road if you stay for a few years and things are the same. You won't get that time back.

[TheRealJongoBong]

I got my police report. It clearly states that it was my wife who contacted the police, and it also clearly states that she accused me of "selling drugs and having sexual relations with the young boys in the neighborhood". These statements are in complete contradiction to what she told me - that she didn't contact the police and that the story was made up by the kid across the street.

So she lies to the police about me, and then she lies to me about what happened. Or, as she told me once, "I only tell the truth as I see it". Everybody's right, it's time for me to GTFO.