I'm Tired of working on myself

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm tired of working on myself.  Why am I putting myself through this?

I keep trying to improve myself, improve my communication skills with my BPDw in order to improve our marriage, and maintain work and my home.  I constantly try to work out and improve my physique.   It's too much!

Why can't I just laugh and have fun?  Why can't I just have a caring spouse?

Why did she change everything on me?

[workinprogress]

I'm tired of working on myself.  Why am I putting myself through this?

I keep trying to improve myself, improve my communication skills with my BPDw in order to improve our marriage, and maintain work and my home.  I constantly try to work out and improve my physique.   It's too much!

Why can't I just laugh and have fun?  Why can't I just have a caring spouse?

Why did she change everything on me?

[rotiroti]

I'm tired of working on myself.  Why am I putting myself through this?

I keep trying to improve myself, improve my communication skills with my BPDw in order to improve our marriage, and maintain work and my home.  I constantly try to work out and improve my physique.   It's too much!

Why can't I just laugh and have fun?  Why can't I just have a caring spouse?

Why did she change everything on me?

Hey workinprogress  ,

it's okay to have bad days, like your namesake self-improvement is about the journey instead of the destination. What I read from your post was that you have set some clear and do-able goals for yourself... .but perhaps you also bit off more than you can chew at the time. It's okay to take baby steps when life is filled with so many little chores and hassles.

What are you doing specifically for improving your physique?

[workinprogress]

I'm tired of working on myself.  Why am I putting myself through this?

I keep trying to improve myself, improve my communication skills with my BPDw in order to improve our marriage, and maintain work and my home.  I constantly try to work out and improve my physique.   It's too much!

Why can't I just laugh and have fun?  Why can't I just have a caring spouse?

Why did she change everything on me?

Hey workinprogress  hug

it's okay to have bad days, like your namesake self-improvement is about the journey instead of the destination. What I read from your post was that you have set some clear and do-able goals for yourself... .but perhaps you also bit off more than you can chew at the time. It's okay to take baby steps when life is filled with so many little chores and hassles.

What are you doing specifically for improving your physique?

Thanks Neveragain.  I'm doing the 5-3-1 Strength Building Program.  I decided to take a couple of days off this week from it.  I'd been driving it hard since March.  Just feeling a little fatigued right now.

People really have noticed that I have been lifting weights.  I get a lot of comments, but nothing from my wife.

I just wonder when I will face reality and realize that things just aren't going to get any better.

[rotiroti]

That's awesome that you stuck with that demanding routine (on top of many things) since March!

Must be frustrating to be validated by everyone but your wife. Most importantly how does it feel for you?

When you mean by getting 'better' what does that mean for you? Like setting goals, I think it's ok to set a standard for what "better" is for you.

Surely there has been some positives recently as well?

[workinprogress]

That's awesome that you stuck with that demanding routine (on top of many things) since March!

Must be frustrating to be validated by everyone but your wife. Most importantly how does it feel for you?

When you mean by getting 'better' what does that mean for you? Like setting goals, I think it's ok to set a standard for what "better" is for you.

Surely there has been some positives recently as well?

Positives in the marriage?  I can't really think of anything.  I try to talk to her and just have general conversation.  She doesn't seem really engaged.

Positives elsewhere?  I've read some good books.  I maxed my deadlift at over 400lbs, I weigh 205 so it's almost 2x's my weight.

I'm well liked and respected at work.  I receive calls nearly everyday from coworkers wanting advice or information.

I took my kids to see a couple of good concerts lately, too.  We've had some really good times.

What is missing from my life though is a woman's companionship and intimacy.  I'm in a tough pickle.  She's not interested in improving things.  She says that she can't be what I want her to be.  It's funny because who I want her to be is the woman I married.  I guess I just have moments of loneliness sometimes.

[workinprogress]

Sometimes I just feel like a weak, tired man.

I want to add to this, since she "changed" on me after we married, I feel kind of abandoned.  It's almost like part of me is missing and I'm trying to get it back.  I know it's the Painted White and Painted Black thing, and a lot of how I feel is rooted in my childhood.  I had parents who expected me to be perfect.  I just couldn't do it.

The bottom line is, I want my wife back.

[eeks]

I had parents who expected me to be perfect.  I just couldn't do it.

No child is perfect.  No child can parent their own parents.  No child can be exactly the child his/her parents imagined before he/she was born.  No child can live their parents' unlived lives so that one or both parents can live vicariously through them... .  My mother cannot attain the perfect safety she longs for by making sure I never do anything where I might get hurt... .

You get the idea.

I know all these things, but I don't *feel* them.  I have been reading about attachment styles lately, different descriptions and I now see more of myself in the anxious-preoccupied style www.jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-anxious-preoccupied/ (thanks Sunfl0wer for posting that on another thread), particularly the persistent feeling of unworthiness. 

I think it's important to distinguish "work on ourselves" that we do because it's nourishing, even if it takes work at first... .like exercising because it improves mood, or starting a new hobby and committing to it because we want to... .vs. work that we do even with a subtle agenda of "maybe if I fix myself, I will finally be lovable".  In other words, are you "working on yourself" from a stance of ok-ness or not-ok-ness?

I wonder if on some level you fear that your wife "changed everything on you", took away her loving self because you weren't worthy, and now you feel like you need to "work hard to get the love back"?

[workinprogress]

I had parents who expected me to be perfect.  I just couldn't do it.

No child is perfect.  No child can parent their own parents.  No child can be exactly the child his/her parents imagined before he/she was born.  No child can live their parents' unlived lives so that one or both parents can live vicariously through them... .  My mother cannot attain the perfect safety she longs for by making sure I never do anything where I might get hurt... .

You get the idea.

I know all these things, but I don't *feel* them.  I have been reading about attachment styles lately, different descriptions and I now see more of myself in the anxious-preoccupied style www.jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-anxious-preoccupied/ (thanks Sunfl0wer for posting that on another thread), particularly the persistent feeling of unworthiness. 

I think it's important to distinguish "work on ourselves" that we do because it's nourishing, even if it takes work at first... .like exercising because it improves mood, or starting a new hobby and committing to it because we want to... .vs. work that we do even with a subtle agenda of "maybe if I fix myself, I will finally be lovable".  In other words, are you "working on yourself" from a stance of ok-ness or not-ok-ness?

I wonder if on some level you fear that your wife "changed everything on you", took away her loving self because you weren't worthy, and now you feel like you need to "work hard to get the love back"?

Eeks, that's exactly why I work on myself, to be lovable.  I didn't even realize that was my motive!  Wow, that kind of sucks realizing that.  Plus, being married to BPD, nothing will ever be good enough, so it's just repeating childhood patterns.

Also, I do feel like she changed everything on me, because of me... .

You made some nice statements about parents living through their children.  It's a heavy burden as a child to have to deal with that. 

I have seen where it's becoming a strongly held theory that the growth of autism in children has a lot to do with enmeshment by parents and the kids can't handle it and just shut down.  I don't know if I agree with it or not, but I can understand it.

[Rifka]

I'm tired of working on myself.  Why am I putting myself through this?

I keep trying to improve myself, improve my communication skills with my BPDw in order to improve our marriage, and maintain work and my home.  I constantly try to work out and improve my physique.   It's too much!

Why can't I just laugh and have fun?  Why can't I just have a caring spouse?

Why did she change everything on me?

There is a great book called the five love laungauges. It's easy beautiful reading. Maybe the things you are working on are what you think needs to be worked on but not her needs? Just a thought. Sometimes we do things to please others that are our own needs and wants. It's not the same. I'm not saying this is what's going on, just maybe a thought. Do the thing you do for yourself because it makes you feel good for yourself. Sometime just asking what somebody else needs to feel loved, if they know that answer can save a lot of the frustrations of trying to please somebody who needs something different than what you might think. Honest, non judgemental Communication can be wonderful. Just a thought?

Rifka

[Lucky Jim]

Hey w-i-p, Everyone deserves to be happy.  Reading between the lines, it sounds like you are miserable on the inside, even though,  after getting in shape, you look good on the outside.  I should know, because I was once in your shoes and understand the quandary in which you find yourself.   I can't tell you what to do, because it's about finding the right path for oneself.  I can suggest that you listen to your gut feelings.  I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that things were OK in my marriage, when on some deeper level I knew that things were definitely not OK.  I became isolated from friends and family, and forgot who I was for a while there, which was not fun.  To paraphrase Dante, I became lost in a dark wood with no clear path out.  Finally, it all came unglued.  At that point, I lacked the strength to leave my BPDxW.  Fortunately, two kind, caring friends and a family member conducted an intervention.  It was a humbling experience, but they probably saved my life.  (Sorry if that sounds melodramatic).  It's tough, I know, so try to listen to your gut feelings about your marriage.

LuckyJim

[joeramabeme]

People really have noticed that I have been lifting weights.  I get a lot of comments, but nothing from my wife.

I just wonder when I will face reality and realize that things just aren't going to get any better.

This took me back to a moment.  I too was a big gym goer and when I lost weight and looked fit I would get comments and looks from a lot of people, but never my wife.  I also had alternating times away from the gym and my ponch would come back.  While sitting on the couch watching tv should she would reach over and poke my belly like the pillsbury dough boy and just give me a look.  It was only a "look" because I asked her to not make any derogatory "comments".   Nothing more need be said.

I see in your later post you commented that you just want your wife back.  Sorry to say this, but the reality is, this is your wife.  She is just at a different point now in the r/s cycle that is part of the BPD.  I felt the same as you, where is the women that couldn't take her hands off of me.  At some point I transitioned into her fears and not the person she loved. 

In my mind, I "split" her between the person I loved and another part of her person that I wanted to get her to see and fix.  It has taken some time to accept that she is not 2 people, but just one.  All of what she is doing IS her.

When we rely on the pwBPD traits for accurate feedback, we are setting ourselves up  for disappointment.  Only natural to do with someone you love, but not when they have BPD.

[workinprogress]

I'm tired of working on myself.  Why am I putting myself through this?

I keep trying to improve myself, improve my communication skills with my BPDw in order to improve our marriage, and maintain work and my home.  I constantly try to work out and improve my physique.   It's too much!

Why can't I just laugh and have fun?  Why can't I just have a caring spouse?

Why did she change everything on me?

There is a great book called the five love laungauges. It's easy beautiful reading. Maybe the things you are working on are what you think needs to be worked on but not her needs? Just a thought. Sometimes we do things to please others that are our own needs and wants. It's not the same. I'm not saying this is what's going on, just maybe a thought. Do the thing you do for yourself because it makes you feel good for yourself. Sometime just asking what somebody else needs to feel loved, if they know that answer can save a lot of the frustrations of trying to please somebody who needs something different than what you might think. Honest, non judgemental Communication can be wonderful. Just a thought?

Rifka

Thanks Rifka.  I will see what I can figure out.  She doesn't like to talk about "love" type stuff.  I get the impression that she wants a personal servant to do everything she wants and give her endless cash.  I can't do that.

[workinprogress]

Hey w-i-p, Everyone deserves to be happy.  Reading between the lines, it sounds like you are miserable on the inside, even though,  after getting in shape, you look good on the outside.  I should know, because I was once in your shoes and understand the quandary in which you find yourself.   I can't tell you what to do, because it's about finding the right path for oneself.  I can suggest that you listen to your gut feelings.  I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that things were OK in my marriage, when on some deeper level I knew that things were definitely not OK.  I became isolated from friends and family, and forgot who I was for a while there, which was not fun.  To paraphrase Dante, I became lost in a dark wood with no clear path out.  Finally, it all came unglued.  At that point, I lacked the strength to leave my BPDxW.  Fortunately, two kind, caring friends and a family member conducted an intervention.  It was a humbling experience, but they probably saved my life.  (Sorry if that sounds melodramatic).  It's tough, I know, so try to listen to your gut feelings about your marriage.

LuckyJim

Thanks Jim.  That doesn't sound melodramatic at all.  I have to learn to separate my gut from my "determination" to make it work.  I'll tell you what, this morning, I had the sense that I couldn't do anymore (work/wife/everything) and just thought "Screw it!"  I had that attitude all day, not in a bad way, just that I didn't worry about the outcome for anything.  The day went pretty good.

[workinprogress]

People really have noticed that I have been lifting weights.  I get a lot of comments, but nothing from my wife.

I just wonder when I will face reality and realize that things just aren't going to get any better.

This took me back to a moment.  I too was a big gym goer and when I lost weight and looked fit I would get comments and looks from a lot of people, but never my wife.  I also had alternating times away from the gym and my ponch would come back.  While sitting on the couch watching tv should she would reach over and poke my belly like the pillsbury dough boy and just give me a look.  It was only a "look" because I asked her to not make any derogatory "comments".   Nothing more need be said.

I see in your later post you commented that you just want your wife back.  Sorry to say this, but the reality is, this is your wife.  She is just at a different point now in the r/s cycle that is part of the BPD.  I felt the same as you, where is the women that couldn't take her hands off of me.  At some point I transitioned into her fears and not the person she loved. 

In my mind, I "split" her between the person I loved and another part of her person that I wanted to get her to see and fix.  It has taken some time to accept that she is not 2 people, but just one.  All of what she is doing IS her.

When we rely on the pwBPD traits for accurate feedback, we are setting ourselves up  for disappointment.  Only natural to do with someone you love, but not when they have BPD.

Very good points.  I think I'm really on my own in this.  I'll have to decide what is right for me.  Right now, being around the kids is what's right. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey w-i-p,  Agree, that attitude can be useful.  I have a term for it: BTFI (Beyond The F*** It)!  It helps me to accomplish things in an authentic way when I realize that I'm BTFI.  It is sort of like, "Full speed ahead, damn the torpedoes!"  LJ

[workinprogress]

As an update, I basically did nothing the last two evenings. 

Instead of reading I watched episode after episode of ":)umbest Performers Caught on Video"... .I love that show.  I love the commentary by Tanya Harding and the gang.

Instead of going to the gym I kicked back and drank a couple of beers.

I also cranked out some Foo Fighters... .

I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit better just letting go of it all.

[eeks]

Eeks, that's exactly why I work on myself, to be lovable.  I didn't even realize that was my motive!  Wow, that kind of sucks realizing that.  Plus, being married to BPD, nothing will ever be good enough, so it's just repeating childhood patterns.

Also, I do feel like she changed everything on me, because of me... .

I know it sucks, to realize that, but realizing things like this can ultimately be productive.  "Feeling responsible for others' emotions" is such an insidious pattern that it can take a lot of time to really see how it shows up in your relationships.  I had to hear it a few times before I stopped going "Huh?" and started realizing... .oh yeah... .

See, I don't identify with the classic classic "people pleaser" description (like I don't literally caretake people) but, for example, I was taught to tell angry people the polite thing they wanted to hear and then walk away.  It doesn't suit me, so I've never really done it, but I did not feel free to explore alternative responses so I haven't exactly taken my own path either.

There's something to that, screaming at angry people is not always constructive, but my mother has an ingrained habit of toning it down, quieting and slowing it down.  She thinks it's because it works, but I would say it's actually how she learned to defend herself against her narcissistic father.  Not everybody else is like him, and sometimes when you're an adult "quiet" is not the best approach to bullies and selfish people.  She failed to advocate for me in a lot of crucial situations when I was a child.  So she has difficulty advocating both for herself and for others.  I can advocate for others (including her, actually) much better than for myself. 

My specific example may not be relevant to your situation, but I describe it for the general motif of what were you not allowed to feel, express, or do?  These parental demands inhibit your access to parts of your own feelings, needs and experiences.  And these blockages in the self, I believe quickly lead to survival patterns (whether it's co-dependence or using aggression as a defense, i.e. "giving in" or "acting out"

I think the tough part about these patterns is that a child has a developmental imperative to bond with their parents, even if their parents are unhealthy.  The way they manage to stay bonded to someone unhealthy is by taking responsibility for the parent's emotions.  "Yes, they really can and would love me, if only I was better behaved!"

So, with your wife, "nothing is ever good enough", does it help you at all to realize that her grievance is really against her parents (or herself, her inner "split" or conflict), not you?

[workinprogress]

Eeks, that's exactly why I work on myself, to be lovable.  I didn't even realize that was my motive!  Wow, that kind of sucks realizing that.  Plus, being married to BPD, nothing will ever be good enough, so it's just repeating childhood patterns.

Also, I do feel like she changed everything on me, because of me... .

I know it sucks, to realize that, but realizing things like this can ultimately be productive.  "Feeling responsible for others' emotions" is such an insidious pattern that it can take a lot of time to really see how it shows up in your relationships.  I had to hear it a few times before I stopped going "Huh?" and started realizing... .oh yeah... .

See, I don't identify with the classic classic "people pleaser" description (like I don't literally caretake people) but, for example, I was taught to tell angry people the polite thing they wanted to hear and then walk away.  It doesn't suit me, so I've never really done it, but I did not feel free to explore alternative responses so I haven't exactly taken my own path either.

There's something to that, screaming at angry people is not always constructive, but my mother has an ingrained habit of toning it down, quieting and slowing it down.  She thinks it's because it works, but I would say it's actually how she learned to defend herself against her narcissistic father.  Not everybody else is like him, and sometimes when you're an adult "quiet" is not the best approach to bullies and selfish people.  She failed to advocate for me in a lot of crucial situations when I was a child.  So she has difficulty advocating both for herself and for others.  I can advocate for others (including her, actually) much better than for myself. 

My specific example may not be relevant to your situation, but I describe it for the general motif of what were you not allowed to feel, express, or do?  These parental demands inhibit your access to parts of your own feelings, needs and experiences.  And these blockages in the self, I believe quickly lead to survival patterns (whether it's co-dependence or using aggression as a defense, i.e. "giving in" or "acting out"

I think the tough part about these patterns is that a child has a developmental imperative to bond with their parents, even if their parents are unhealthy.  The way they manage to stay bonded to someone unhealthy is by taking responsibility for the parent's emotions.  "Yes, they really can and would love me, if only I was better behaved!"

So, with your wife, "nothing is ever good enough", does it help you at all to realize that her grievance is really against her parents (or herself, her inner "split" or conflict), not you?

It does help.  Thank you.  I can see how my wife is repeating patterns set down by her mom.  Her mom regularly devalues my wife's dad.  He actually did come out to me and say one time, "it's tough.  I'm 10th on my wife's priority list, behind the kids, grandkids and all of her friends."  I really felt for him.

Growing up, I found myself giving in constantly.  I had or face ridicule and beatings.  I can see how this trait made me easily manipulated.  I'm glad you did have your mom on your side.  At least there should be some solace in that.  I know it probably doesn't help.

As an update, after a few weeks of being painted black, I am suddenly white again.  I don't have a clue what happens to cause these shifts.  At least I've been through it enough now that I don't get too high when I'm white, and I don't get too down when I'm black. The reality of it, is that it's beyond my control.

[rotiroti]

WIP,


How are you doing today?

Glad you got some R&R and gave YOURSELF a much deserved break!

[workinprogress]

WIP,


How are you doing today?

Glad you got some R&R and gave YOURSELF a much deserved break!

NAT, I feel great!  It's kind of a strange feeling great. 

How about you buddy?

[workinprogress]

WIP,


How are you doing today?

Glad you got some R&R and gave YOURSELF a much deserved break!

NAT, I feel great!  It's kind of a strange feeling great. 

How about you buddy?

I want to add something else here.  I am 48.  My work load has jumped by 50% in the last couple of months, my body was getting worn out from the gym, and my marriage was stressing me a bit.  I didn't feel my muscles were recovering well from my work outs. I was starting to have concern about my testosterone production.

I belong to a weightlifting website, and I did some research on testosterone enhancers.  I discovered that there is nothing that is proven to increase testosterone production in men.  BUT, there is a product called DIM.  It is derived from Broccoli and other vegetables and it helps the body to eliminate excess estrogen.  Men and women use it.  Women use it when going through menopause to help relieve them of their discomfort.

I am on about day 5 of taking this supplement, so I'm wondering if it may be having an impact?  Or perhaps it's just from taking a break.

[rotiroti]

WIP,


How are you doing today?

Glad you got some R&R and gave YOURSELF a much deserved break!

NAT, I feel great!  It's kind of a strange feeling great. 

How about you buddy?

I want to add something else here.  I am 48.  My work load has jumped by 50% in the last couple of months, my body was getting worn out from the gym, and my marriage was stressing me a bit.  I didn't feel my muscles were recovering well from my work outs. I was starting to have concern about my testosterone production.

I belong to a weightlifting website, and I did some research on testosterone enhancers.  I discovered that there is nothing that is proven to increase testosterone production in men.  BUT, there is a product called DIM.  It is derived from Broccoli and other vegetables and it helps the body to eliminate excess estrogen.  Men and women use it.  Women use it when going through menopause to help relieve them of their discomfort.

I am on about day 5 of taking this supplement, so I'm wondering if it may be having an impact?  Or perhaps it's just from taking a break.

Can't say I have experience with DIM, but could it be both? Certainly increased T levels would mean higher energy and strength (and hunger) and rest almost definitely makes one feel good