Healing

[Ihope2]

It has been a year and two months since the divorce from a 1 year chaotic marriage to a man whose path I still feel I was destined to cross... .

As I struggled through the aftermath of my encounter with this man with BPD and a history of trauma, I started noticing some changes in me.

First of all, for the first time in my 45 years, I came to accept what a truly dysfunctional family history I also have!

And then came acceptance of how my childhood was and how misunderstood I have felt for the greatest part of my life.  Craving acceptance and understanding and looking for it in precisely those people, who were unable to give it to me because they were so damaged themselves.

And I noticed that the anger and sadness I had been carrying around with me for most of my teenage and adult years, was dissipating... .

Life is still complicated, my family history will never change, my father is still dead and has been for the past 18 years and I will never know his acceptance and approval.

My aging mother is still wrapped up in a highly dysfunctional marriage with yet another Personality Disordered, angry man.  She is still running away from her life and feeling safe and secure in the shadow of a larger than life, bombastic partner who runs her life for her.

My brother is still completely incommunicado with the rest of us.

My sister is still also struggling to find some peace and purpose in a life which has also been tainted with childhood pain.

I'm afraid of intimacy more than ever before and I cannot see myself in any new close relationship with a love interest any time soon.  I feel like I function best on my own.

The only other person I feel truly comfortable with and could spend a week in the desert with, is my dear sister.

But, I'm trying to challenge myself and putting myself out there with other people in a safe way, I've joined a Toastmasters Club to try to master my fear of public speaking. I've joined a programme at work to do health education, peer counselling and volunteer work. 

For the first time, I also am deeply reflecting on the damaged past we have come from in my country, South Africa, and the legacy of broken lives we are left with here.

I see that brokenness is everywhere, but so is hope and the will to make tomorrow better.

I still say a prayer for the troubled man who materialised and dematerialised into and out of my life within the space of 2 years... .I can't hate him and all the other damaged troubled people walking this earth. I am just not ever putting out that sort of energy anymore to attract such damaged souls into my orbit.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ihope2, I find your post interesting because it reminds me how many of we Nons have unacknowledged FOO issues and/or past trauma before we enter into a r/s with a pwBPD.  You could say that these wounds from childhood are what lead us inexorably into a BPD r/s, which brings all these issues front and center.  In this light, a BPD r/s is the crucible that forces us to confront these issues, which leads to growth.  Yet the process is incredibly painful . . .

LuckyJim