uBPDw is getting delusional

[TheRealJongoBong]

Hi, I could use some advice. My uBPDw called the police and accused me of giving drugs and having sex with the boys (well, young men) who live across the street.  They police looked into it and decided she was making it up, and suggested she get a mental health evaluation.  I am not sure what to do next. Is there anything I can do to protect myself from this kind of behavior? I've already started to do audio recordings when I'm with her and others have suggested video recording at times. I've notified both members of her family and mine that this is going on, and I've notified my management at work in case she tries anything in that direction. I'm ready to bolt from my house on a moment's notice in case that is necessary. What else should/could I do? 

She has not communicated to me in several days, and any time I am at the house I she is either not there, leaves shortly after, or sleeping. She lately has been avoiding any interaction with me at all. She has told her family that she is afraid of me and has taken to sleeping in another room because of that. I've never given her any cause for her to be afraid of me as far as I know. There hasn't been anyone yet I've spoken to who hasn't noticed her peculiar behavior.

I want to see her get some help, but I don't want to end up in jail. Should I just GTFO?

[ForeverDad]

Ponder this... .what she just accused you of doing would have had extreme consequences - criminal conviction, jail time, loss of job options, permanent listing on some abuser registry, etc.  Do you fully appreciate what she did?  Rather than her being your love for life she has transformed herself into a dangerous saboteur.  Yes, she was upset with you, has a grudge against you, thinks your Mr Evil Personified rather than the prior Knight in Shining Armor.  But her extreme moods, perceptions and now actions put you at great risk.  This is no longer behind closed door or in private or isolated locations, this is now public record.  If she has involved the police then there are accusing records there and perhaps with other agencies.

The longer you live with her around you, the greater the risks.  It's been comments on other threads, it is has been contemplated or threatened then it will, given enough time, happen.  It's already happened.  Accept that.  Make your decisions going forward based on those facts.

Do you have any children together?  If so, then there are custody issues to consider.  If not, then getting distance becomes mostly about financial issues.  Keep it simple.  You can't afford to muddy the water by feeling sorry for her, not with her attacking you with such hot-button accusations.

Is it your house, her house or jointly owned?  Without children together, a lot of my comments going forward depend on that financial issue.  Her house, you leave.  Your house, she leaves - or you leave only until you can get her out, presumably this will end in divorce, right?  If a jointly-owned house then the spilt would be decided in divorce by a court or settlement.

However, yes, protect yourself, don't risk a confrontation with her.  Why?  If she senses you preparing to exit the relationship and you're still within reach of her then she may try again to make you look worse than her.  She failed trying to make you appear to be an abuser of minors.  She could easily make DV allegations and those would be much more likely to succeed, even if you did nothing untoward at all.  The laws - or how they are applied - make the presumption that women by default are targets and victims.  Not right to parse abuse by gender but that's what men have to deal with.  So be very, very careful.

Have you already gotten solid legal advice in consultations with criminal attorney(s) and/or family law attorney(s)?  If you haven't done that yet, then that's your #1 priority (along with protecting yourself from allegations).  And remember, such consultations are confidential.  You do not advise her of your consultations or leave a paper or electronic trail for her to follow.  You do not have to cave in to interrogations.

[Moselle]

You need to  protect yourself. Please do! Document everything. Record as much as you can and keep a cool head.

Fortunately her accusations were on the bizarre side. Get the police recommendations on paper and signed. This episode is gold for demonstrating her instability later if/when you need to. Remember if you do GTFO, she will feel abandoned and will likely attack and play victim if she is BPD.

I know from personal experience that its very stressful to be where you are. What are your short term and long term objectives?

[ForeverDad]

"The tumultuous relationship with my wife brings me here. A typical story for me - fell in love with a wonderful woman, over time she changed into a hypercritical insulting harpy (at times)."  No, she did not 'change' - her behaviors changed.  There could be various reasons that are exaggerated by her disordered perceptions.  It is typical that the early days in a relationship or marriage so great (the honeymoon effect) but later when reality set in her deeper perceptions and moods surged and took over.  I repeat, she didn't change, the situation changed and therefore so did her behaviors.

You've only been married a few years.  That is considered a 'short' marriage and in most states it limits how much of your assets she walks away with.  Unless you signed extravagant promises in a prenup that you would gift her extra, likely a court would not gift her that much.  Your retirement or pension are likely not at too much of a risk, not like it would have been with a 20 year marriage.  A divorce might be delayed or obstructed in multiple ways which would make it more costly but it should be limited to just financial issues, without custody issues to complicate it.

[TheRealJongoBong]

There are no children, and the house is jointly owned. I have enough resources to vacate for a while if I need to. I don't really see how this situation is going to end in anything but divorce. I haven't consulted any attorneys yet, but that's good advice and I better get on it. I'm not worried about paper trails, in fact I've been creating them everywhere since this crisis started to protect myself.

It is fortunate her accusations were on the bizarre side and easily refuted. Those accusations, coupled with her calling the police the night before, have her labeled as a bit of a crackpot now. My short term goal is to survive this current situation, my long term goal is to live as far away from crazy people as I can possibly get. It's just so hard (as I'm sure you know) to have someone you love turn on you like a rabid dog.

It's funny, she has been the one calling for a divorce, and she is the one raging because it might happen.

[TheRealJongoBong]

"The tumultuous relationship with my wife brings me here. A typical story for me - fell in love with a wonderful woman, over time she changed into a hypercritical insulting harpy (at times)."  No, she did not 'change' - her behaviors changed.  There could be various reasons that are exaggerated by her disordered perceptions.  It is typical that the early days in a relationship or marriage so great (the honeymoon effect) but later when reality set in her deeper perceptions and moods surged and took over.  I repeat, she didn't change, the situation changed and therefore so did her behaviors.

You've only been married a few years.  That is considered a 'short' marriage and in most states it limits how much of your assets she walks away with.  Unless you signed extravagant promises in a prenup that you would gift her extra, likely a court would not gift her that much.  Your retirement or pension are likely not at too much of a risk, not like it would have been with a 20 year marriage.  A divorce might be delayed or obstructed in multiple ways which would make it more costly but it should be limited to just financial issues, without custody issues to complicate it.

We're coming up on our 10th anniversary this September. Does that still count as a short marriage? I was married to my last wife for 10 years (also BPD, I learn slow) and she took the house, 1/2 of my investments and 1/2 of my 401K. She worked a couple of part time jobs during the period but mostly racked up student loan debt (which is where the house went). Well, what would I rather have, money or sanity? I think I choose sanity.

[maxen]

Hi, I could use some advice. My uBPDw called the police and accused me of giving drugs and having sex with the boys (well, young men) who live across the street.  They police looked into it and decided she was making it up, and suggested she get a mental health evaluation.  I am not sure what to do next.

did they make a report, and do you have a copy of it?

[TheRealJongoBong]

Hi, I could use some advice. My uBPDw called the police and accused me of giving drugs and having sex with the boys (well, young men) who live across the street.  They police looked into it and decided she was making it up, and suggested she get a mental health evaluation.  I am not sure what to do next.

did they make a report, and do you have a copy of it?

The say the made a report. I do not have a copy of it. I should probably get one, thanks.

[Thunderstruck]

Hi, I could use some advice. My uBPDw called the police and accused me of giving drugs and having sex with the boys (well, young men) who live across the street.  They police looked into it and decided she was making it up, and suggested she get a mental health evaluation.  I am not sure what to do next.

did they make a report, and do you have a copy of it?

The say the made a report. I do not have a copy of it. I should probably get one, thanks.

Definitely get a copy of the report. You can use it as evidence that she is making false accusations against in the the event that another one is filed.

[TheRealJongoBong]

I got my police report. It clearly states that it was my wife who contacted the police, and it also clearly states that she accused me of "selling drugs and having sexual relations with the young boys in the neighborhood". These statements are in complete contradiction to what she told me - that she didn't contact the police and that the story was made up by the kid across the street. I recorded her as she was saying this so there is no question.

So she lies to the police about me, and then she lies to me about what happened. Or, as she told me once, "I only tell the truth as I see it".

[Moselle]

Well done for getting the report.

Yes i do know what it's like to have someone you love turn on you like a rabid dog. Mine is doing her best to collectively destroy all of our lIves (I have three children) as we speak.

I like your goals and its clear that you are switched on

Have you got emotional support?

[maxen]

I got my police report. It clearly states that it was my wife who contacted the police, and it also clearly states that she accused me of "selling drugs and having sexual relations with the young boys in the neighborhood".

and it states that these accusations had no evidence?

These statements are in complete contradiction to what she told me - that she didn't contact the police and that the story was made up by the kid across the street. I recorded her as she was saying this so there is no question.

[TheRealJongoBong]

And you know what? I actually believe she thinks she's telling the truth. For her reality is so fluid that a little snip here and tuck there makes everything perfect. In fact, it's so perfect that she's inviting me to go on a group bicycle ride this Sunday.

[ForeverDad]

I actually believe she thinks she's telling the truth.

Short answer... .You may never know for sure.  One the one hand, my ex sounded so emotionally compelling and believable, if I hadn't known otherwise, that she had to believe it.  On the other hand, in order to support her story and spin it around the facts I was sure my ex knew what really happened in order to keep defending her claims.

Does she or doesn't she?  Ultimately I gave up trying to figure out my ex.  I let go the confounding 'why' and focused on the 'what'.  I just did what I had to do.  Borrowing from a refrain popularized recently, ":)oes it matter now?"

[TheRealJongoBong]

All you guys that managed to separate yourself from this madness, how did you do it?  The crazy-making  is enough for me when it happens, but is never sustained nor horrible enough (so far) for me to get me to flick the switch, to get me to release the creatures from hell from her that will certainly come out. My only plan so far is to keep documenting all this stuff (here and elsewhere) until it forces me to accept the inevitable. This time was certainly the closest, and I'm going to continue the (slow) separating that I'm doing. Most of my stuff is in boxes now and I'm going to start moving it into storage.

And Maxen, the reporting officer states that "I believe that (uBPDw)'s accusations to be unfounded."  He also states "she appeared to be very (redacted) and was not making sense at all. She continually changed the topic and would not directly answer questions."

I always have that in my favor. Even I can hardly follow what she's talking about because she makes no sense. When I am in shared conversations with her and other people the same thing happens. The befuddlement, blinking, nodding, and smiling is something to behold. If you really want your head to hurt, ask her something about spirituality.

[Moselle]

I loved mine and decided to stick with her through thick and thin. However I was not willing to be abused. Physically or otherwise. I made that decision and put in my boundaries. Over 18 months I removed each of her controls or manipulations over me, by deciding not to react. She ultimately realised she had no more control over me and that I understood what and how she was doing it. I made a choice for health, hoping she would follow. She made a choice to stay unhealthy and divorce.

Of course in her mind whether a conscious or unconscious distortion, I was the Narcissist and the Borderline so I guess she justified breaking up the family.

Once that was done it got so ugly. Even though she initiated the divorce, the fear of abandonment went into overdrive. Mine is dangerous threatening to have me killed, and prone to accusations of sexual abuse, filing bogus domestic violence applications (twice now), Facebooking her lies, packing up the children, house and dogs, taking my car and driving 1200 km away. Phoning my boss and HR telling them lies (three times now)

There is a book called "Splitting. Protecting yourself when divorcing a borderline and a narcissist". I highly recommend  you read it before you split. It sounds like yours potentiall fits into a similar category as mine.

If I could do it again. I would spend 6 months to 1 year preparing for it financially, documenting her, recording her (well done by the way!). It's is like gold afterwards. You will need this evidence, preferably written.

Once you have built an overwhelming case, the option is yours to go or to stay (and ultimately that is a personal choice). Either way you are covered

[david]

Do not tell her about the police report. The incident may come out in court and she lies on the stand. That would be the time to show the police report.

Yes you need to protect yourself. Short story, my ex accused me of assault, I went to jail, and lost my job. I purchased a video and an audio recorder when I got out of jail. We have two kids together so I can't just walk away. I let her know I was recording even though it is not allowed in my state. I explained , to my atty, that I was recording myself and ex just happens to be in the recordings too. He said to continue. That was in 2010. I haven't had a single complaint or false allegation since that time. The only thing she complains about is the fact that I am breaking the law by recording. From 2007 (the start of the insanity) until 2010 I had three protection orders filed against me, one allegation of physically abusing our youngest, and so many calls to the police that I was on a first name basis with every officer in the county.

It took a while for me to get that she would do anything to "win". I no longer get caught off guard by her actions. I have very strong boundaries and no longer react to what she says or does.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Do not tell her about the police report.

This is very sound advice. I so wanted to confront her with it yesterday. I decided in the end that all that was going to do was to massage my ego, as well as warning her that I know she lied about all of it. Hopefully she's thinking I bought her story and won't invent further stuff to muddy the waters. I also thought (and this cheered me up at the time) that if things get worse I might be able to use it to get her thrown out of our house and get a restraining order put on her.

I'm following your path Moselle. I'm going to live for my health and if she chooses to follow that's good. I'm also going to be realistic and assume this whole thing is going to end in a train wreck. I'm never going to be around her without having a recorder on, it's just too dangerous. I'm going to document and slowly work my way out of here, and be prepared to bolt at a moment's notice. We don't have kids so that simplifies things. I feel for you guys that do, it would make this way, way worse.

I also am beginning to think that she may have found a replacement. She used to stay at home almost all of the time and now (at least when I'm here) she's been making herself pretty scarce. I guess my 1st proof would be that she doesn't come home one night.

Maybe that's why she invited me to go on this group ride with her on Sunday. It's weird that she did, she spoke to me a little the day before yesterday and spoke to me on the phone about the ride like she thought it would help us, and then ever since has not said one word to me. She stayed out last night until I was going to bed, then left again this morning. It would fit her narcissistic thinking patterns to think she's torturing me by showing off her new toy. Well, good for her if it makes her happy, there's less crazy to rub off on me.

[david]

I noticed that attys send things and are basically fishing for info from the opponent. Gives them a heads up to what to expect. I have learned in dealing with my ex (since 2007 when she left) that the less I say the better off I am. I only communicate through email. I follow the 3 to 5 sentence replies that came from this site. I volunteer no extra info. I stick to facts such as , I will pick the boys up at 8 pm. My ex sends emails that are paragraphs long with all kinds of info. Most of the info has nothing to do with our boys and is complete fabrications. Recently she supposedly hurt her back. Her email said she was in the hospital getting a surgical procedure and she needed me to keep the boys a few days longer. I replied that it was fine. I dropped the boys off at her place a few days later. When I picked them up again I discovered that she had no surgery at all. I on'tknow why she said it and I don't really care. I don't believe anything she says anymore.

[maxen]

This is very sound advice. I so wanted to confront her with it yesterday. I decided in the end that all that was going to do was to massage my ego, as well as warning her that I know she lied about all of it.

very insightful move.

[ForeverDad]

In order for a marriage to survive and prosper, information has to be shared.  However, if the marriage or relationship is dysfunctional and imploding then it is the reverse, sharing information is likely to be sabotaging yourself, giving the other person a heads up, revealing the cards you have up your sleeve, revealing your strategies, etc.  Be very cautious what is shared.

Also be aware that reasoning with the other or trying to get your point across typically blows up in your face, the other isn't listening and there is real risk the other will find some way to use it against you.

[livednlearned]

Hi RJB,

It's pretty common for people like us to hang in there until we can't take it anymore. There's a good chance you were raised to be this way, and it's hard to break those familial patterns. You're probably also afraid that she'll do something abusive, and fear keeps you where you are. It took me four years to leave, and one year of solid planning. I consulted with an attorney (didn't retain her right away) so that I understood exactly how to position myself in the event my ex left, or I left, or whatever happened, so that I was prepared. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to be a few steps ahead. That pre-planning makes a big difference between a massive crisis and a manageable amount of drama.

I also had photocopied and stored sensitive documents, got a storage locker, a safety deposit box, and created a separate account just in case my ex tried to shut me out (he had done this before). I had a credit card only in my name, a phone I used only in emergencies, and a recording device.

It's hard to see it as a gift, but I agree with others that it's good you have a documented false allegation, and that your wife comes across as peculiar. What is worrying is that she has made a false allegation before, and will likely do it again. Regardless of whether you win the next time or not, you'll still have to go through the stress and pain. It's exhausting, and depressing, and expensive.

You really can leave these relationships -- especially when you don't have kids. If you were with another BPD person, you know that the divorce process is difficult, but can be done. And since you've been married 10 years, it's possible that you will have to pay alimony for half the span of your marriage, plus split your 401K. (Some people who know they are going to divorce stop paying into their 401K... .)

I'm sorry you're going through this, and that it's so hard. Bill Eddy describes three kinds of people with BPD:

generally cooperative, not dangerous

not cooperative, not dangerous

not cooperative, dangerous

When someone makes a serious false allegation like your wife did, she is dangerous. She has already proven that she is dangerous in the relationship, so leaving the relationship is probably going to be about the same. She may escalate what she says, though she will have less to work with if you are not there to be giving her ammunition.

It's tricky, and not easy.

We're here for you, and understand what this is like. Hang in there.



LnL

[TheRealJongoBong]

Thanks LnL, for your story. I'm planning and will be prepared. After a little raging I'm getting closer to accepting that I'm going to lose half my savings (again), and that it's just the price for the ticket to get out of OZ. I think Bill Eddy missed one of the categories - generally cooperative, dangerous. My wife fits generally cooperative most of the time, it's the first time she's ever gone to such ridiculous lengths in her blaming/judging game. And listening to my recordings, it's amazing how calm I sound most of the time.

It's strangely amusing that since the events of last week she has been practically normal. This weekend she also got to the point where she was obliquely apologizing to me over her actions. She admits the wrongness of her judgements/accusations and says she can't keep doing these things, and says that she will stop doing these things. Yes, we've heard this before.

To me that generally means we are at the end of the old cycle and the beginning of the new cycle. I am, however, in a much better position to react and navigate the next one. Almost all of my stuff is well segregated from hers and packed into boxes. I'm keeping a good view on our finances. I am keeping a fairly good record on what she says and her actions. I've got an emergency bag ready to go.

And now I'm going to watch patiently to see if her dysregulations have peaked out. I feel that her responses have been escalating because she's trying to get me to react, similar to the extinction burst phenomena. I am cautiously optimistic that this is the case, but I'm not getting my hopes up. We'll see.

[Moselle]

Do not tell her about the police report.

I'm going to live for my health and if she chooses to follow that's good. I'm also going to be realistic and assume this whole thing is going to end in a train wreck.

I'm so sorry you have to live this. Its very, very difficult. I wasn't very well prepared and I spent 18 months on the "Staying" board, recycled two or three times. At least I learned how to handle this, but if I could do it again, I'd follow L&L's advice, detach emotionally and work through the details, safety, financial, legal. Being 2 or 3 steps ahead each time she tries something will make the process much more manageable for you.

It has absolutely floored me how mine has chosen the most destructive alternative every time, from manipulating the legal system to stealing money, fraud. Its best you protest yourself in every way possible. Get it all on paper form your daily descriptions to each crazy things she does. Nothing surprises me about what she does anymore. I know it will be disordered. Fortunately I've been able to defeat both of her bogus Domestic Violence applications, and now I'm fighting and will win the financial battle.

If you're prepared, you can be surgical, the longer this goes on, the bloodier it gets.