10 Days Total NC... well so far at least

[Depression = 72% of members]

So it has been 1o days since we had a very awkward flight back home from a holiday in which I proposed and where I found that she was cheating with someone else.

I put a really long post about this recently.

So we have had total NC from either of us for the last 10 days. When we broke up the first time in March, the uexBPDgf would be texting me and calling almost everyday until she met the "new guy". Then it slowed down until she started to get cold feet about the financial commitment she made to move in with him and live happily ever after with him.

When she realised she had bitten of too much she would be texting and emailing multiple times a day and night.

With this latest behaviour where I have now been painted blacker than black she has had no contact with me at all. For her that is totally unusual. Have to say it has been a very hard 10 days to not try and reach out to her to contact her. But I have not done that!

Today she has left some personal items in my mailbox in an envelope. She still has some other items that belong to me that she has not returned yet.

I need to get these items from her so I do not know if it was a deliberate withhold or she just forgot she has them. My cynical side says she remembers everything and has kept them for a reason but I could be wrong here.

At what point do you all suggest that I contact her to remind her that she still has items that belong to me?

I know that the worst thing I can do is to try and rationalise her behaviours when everything about her emotions is not logical or rational.

So at the moment when I try to rebuild some self esteem and try to get back some of my self confidence and see if I can sell a very expensive diamond engagement ring, I have to assume that she has comfortably and happily returned to the arms and the bed of the man that only 2 months ago she told me she wanted to get away from.

I guess that part of me is preparing myself for the inevitable contact that will eventually come from her... .but I just do not know when that is likely to be... .hopefully at a time when I am strong enough to just delete it and forget it and forget her.

In the meantime... .this grieving process really sucks bad... .

[Nextinline]

So it has been 1o days since we had a very awkward flight back home from a holiday in which I proposed and where I found that she was cheating with someone else.

I put a really long post about this recently.

So we have had total NC from either of us for the last 10 days. When we broke up the first time in March, the uexBPDgf would be texting me and calling almost everyday until she met the "new guy". Then it slowed down until she started to get cold feet about the financial commitment she made to move in with him and live happily ever after with him.

When she realised she had bitten of too much she would be texting and emailing multiple times a day and night.

With this latest behaviour where I have now been painted blacker than black she has had no contact with me at all. For her that is totally unusual. Have to say it has been a very hard 10 days to not try and reach out to her to contact her. But I have not done that!

Today she has left some personal items in my mailbox in an envelope. She still has some other items that belong to me that she has not returned yet.

I need to get these items from her so I do not know if it was a deliberate withhold or she just forgot she has them. My cynical side says she remembers everything and has kept them for a reason but I could be wrong here.

At what point do you all suggest that I contact her to remind her that she still has items that belong to me?

I know that the worst thing I can do is to try and rationalise her behaviours when everything about her emotions is not logical or rational.

So at the moment when I try to rebuild some self esteem and try to get back some of my self confidence and see if I can sell a very expensive diamond engagement ring, I have to assume that she has comfortably and happily returned to the arms and the bed of the man that only 2 months ago she told me she wanted to get away from.

I guess that part of me is preparing myself for the inevitable contact that will eventually come from her... .but I just do not know when that is likely to be... .hopefully at a time when I am strong enough to just delete it and forget it and forget her.

In the meantime... .this grieving process really sucks bad... .

[seang]

My ex did this.  TBH, if you really want them back, I'd do it sooner rather than later.  10 days is easy to get back to.  if you go a few months, you could be further on, you may not.  Seeing her that far down the road could also drag up old emotions in you, and you'd feel like you'll have gone further backwards.  I'd suggest dropping her a text and arranging collection.  Either by you or preferably a friend.  If she's anything like my ex, trust me, you do not want to see her face to face, they can be spiteful.  So sooner the better, and begin moving on again.  No ties!

I think they deliberately do hold onto items.  Either for some crazy comfort factor, or more like, to them, its keeping you on the hook.  Not final.  Just like how they NEVER say goodbye.  In their warped mind, i think they know a possible recycle is in the future.

Who knows. Getting sick of trying to work these people out tbh.

Best of luck.

[Nextinline]

My ex did this.  TBH, if you really want them back, I'd do it sooner rather than later.  10 days is easy to get back to.  if you go a few months, you could be further on, you may not.  Seeing her that far down the road could also drag up old emotions in you, and you'd feel like you'll have gone further backwards.  I'd suggest dropping her a text and arranging collection.  Either by you or preferably a friend.  If she's anything like my ex, trust me, you do not want to see her face to face, they can be spiteful.  So sooner the better, and begin moving on again.  No ties!

I think they deliberately do hold onto items.  Either for some crazy comfort factor, or more like, to them, its keeping you on the hook.  Not final.  Just like how they NEVER say goodbye.  In their warped mind, i think they know a possible recycle is in the future.

Who knows. Getting sick of trying to work these people out tbh.

Best of luck.

Thanks Seang

I don't want to get her back. She is the cheat and the liar and the betrayer. I was the one who stood by my integrity and my word.

I will send her an email to her work telling her to put the items in my mailbox. That way I do not have to se her or speak to her.

And yes mate, she is very spiteful and spits venom at any opportunity she has. She is a Scorpio and does not care one bit what comes out of her mouth and how hurtful it is.

[seang]

I dont think asking her to return them is going to work dude.  I think she'll just put off, or give you grief for asking.  I would just send an email asking if she could kindly box it up for a certain day, and arrange for a friend to go and collect.

[Nextinline]

Well, I just could not help myself and she has well and truly hooked up and is now involved herself with the guy she said she left.

I now will block her on Facebook so I do not have anything further to do with her and she has no contact with me at all.

At least it confirms how screwed she is with no morals at all.

[seang]

Well, I just could not help myself and she has well and truly hooked up and is now involved herself with the guy she said she left.

I now will block her on Facebook so I do not have anything further to do with her and she has no contact with me at all.

At least it confirms how screwed she is with no morals at all.

?  What happened?

[Nextinline]

Well, I just could not help myself and she has well and truly hooked up and is now involved herself with the guy she said she left.

I now will block her on Facebook so I do not have anything further to do with her and she has no contact with me at all.

At least it confirms how screwed she is with no morals at all.

?  What happened?

It would appear that after being back with me for 2 months and getting engaged in Hawaii to me, none of that was interesting enough to post on her Facebook page. But being back home less than one week after breaking up with me, she was happily posting about being out for a very cheap dinner with the guy that she had in the background while she was with me. 

It just shows how the idealisation phase works for these people. They can manifest anything in their minds and have no regret or anxiety over the emotions of the people they crush.

[seang]

Well, I just could not help myself and she has well and truly hooked up and is now involved herself with the guy she said she left.

I now will block her on Facebook so I do not have anything further to do with her and she has no contact with me at all.

At least it confirms how screwed she is with no morals at all.

?  What happened?

It would appear that after being back with me for 2 months and getting engaged in Hawaii to me, none of that was interesting enough to post on her Facebook page. But being back home less than one week after breaking up with me, she was happily posting about being out for a very cheap dinner with the guy that she had in the background while she was with me. 

It just shows how the idealisation phase works for these people. They can manifest anything in their minds and have no regret or anxiety over the emotions of the people they crush.

So, so sorry to hear this man.  You've got to get your stuff sorted, and collected and put this crap to bed.  I know its easier said than done, and Id block her on Facebook too, for your own sanity.  Take the anger and betrayal personally, and try and use that to push this toxic, selfish, human away.  Nothing good is going to come of staying in her life and within her social media circles.  GET you stuff and run!

I really feel for you man.  Currently starting NC again myself after a booboo. And Im starting to supsect maybe she does have a replacement lined up too.  Ive deleted everything before I find out.  Been here before. On top of everything else, I do not want more pain and anguish.

Stay safe dude, be strong. 

[Nextinline]

Seang

Thanks mate. Yeah it is pretty emotionally crippling. She has cost me a fortune. I hope I can unload the diamond ring eventually to try and reduce some of the debt she put me in.

If there was ever a person that I wanted to see crash and burn it is this person. I'm using this forum and its members as my strength and foundation to get through this.

Sadly I know she will contact me again. It's just a matter of time when all her other stuff goes pear shaped.

I am battling with subduing my need to get even and be vindictive towards her and her family right now. That is a struggle

[sas1729]

Hey man,

I'm sorry to hear that this happened. It's rough and completely unfair. I agree with what others have said. Just get the stuff ASAP. I did want to offer an opinion on the vindictiveness. It is completely understandable and feels good thinking about it, but I don't think it would get you anything but more pain if you follow through with it. It's pointless I think. It is utter nonsense what happened, and you deserve so much better. Just power through this and keep looking ahead. Looking back to tell them off is exactly that - looking back. You do not deserve to be mistreated and you have stuck to your values. Continue to because that is you rising about this rubbish.

As unsatisfying as my words are I do think this is the right thing to do. Get your stuff and don't look back. It sucks so much right now I know, but you will get through this. Keep writing here.

[Loosestrife]

Hi

10 days is good going, keep at it. Hopefully one email listing the things you want back will prompt her to Post them to you. Keeping moving forward 

[SGraham]

Im really sorry you had to find out that way man, that is total bullsht. Hang in there man, we're all here for you. Ten days nc is a good considering your circumstances, Ten days is the first step to 11, then 12, then 13, then... .Eventually the rest of your life in theory, keep it up man.

[Nextinline]

A big thank you to everyone who has read and responded to my post.

Today will be day 11. My goal is just to get through it.

I have plans for today as well as tomorrow and then it is back to work. So I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to keep moving forward.

The hard thing to believe is that she does not care at all about the damage and carnage she has caused.

I guess they just can't understand. It has been explained to me that they just have the emotional understanding of a 4 year old child.

This board is helping me so much and I thank everyone who has reached out to support me.

[Nextinline]

Well as of just now she has texted me to ask if I got the parcel she left in my mailbox yesterday.

A very short and sharp response from me was to simply say yes. I then asked, in as few words as possible, for the rest of my belongings.

They will now be delivered to my letterbox and I will have no further need for any contact with her and can now block all phone, email and social media access.

So I hope that I can now close this ugly chapter and try to get better and on with my life.

Thank you to everyone who has read and responded to my posts. You're support and guidance is invaluable.

[rotiroti]

Great job for keeping the message short, you used SET to some degree! And you were very aware that justifying or explaining would only lead to further arguments.

With that aside, you mentioned that you would like to move on from this chapter of your life. What are your plans this weekend to work on you?

[Nextinline]

Great job for keeping the message short, you used SET to some degree! And you were very aware that justifying or explaining would only lead to further arguments.

With that aside, you mentioned that you would like to move on from this chapter of your life. What are your plans this weekend to work on you?

Hi Neveragainthanks

Can you explain to me what SET is?

I just approached the exchange as being the shortest means possible to get my things back and to show no emotion or concern about her at all. I was just focussed on the issue of property and not her.

Perhaps she was dipping a toe in the water to see how I would respond. I am sure I will hear more from her but when I get my things back I can block all contact.

For me this weekend... .apart from the usual chores and stuff that you have to do when you live alone... .I will be getting out on my motorcycle. I find that when I ride I can totally clear my head and the only thing that matters is me and the bike and the road... .and making sure that all the cagers are watching what the are doing.

Outside of that I will be using these boards and the great people that are on them to continue with the healing process that now needs to start.

Cheers

NIL

[rotiroti]

Great job for keeping the message short, you used SET to some degree! And you were very aware that justifying or explaining would only lead to further arguments.

With that aside, you mentioned that you would like to move on from this chapter of your life. What are your plans this weekend to work on you?

Hi Neveragainthanks

Can you explain to me what SET is?

I just approached the exchange as being the shortest means possible to get my things back and to show no emotion or concern about her at all. I was just focussed on the issue of property and not her.

Perhaps she was dipping a toe in the water to see how I would respond. I am sure I will hear more from her but when I get my things back I can block all contact.

For me this weekend... .apart from the usual chores and stuff that you have to do when you live alone... .I will be getting out on my motorcycle. I find that when I ride I can totally clear my head and the only thing that matters is me and the bike and the road... .and making sure that all the cagers are watching what the are doing.

Outside of that I will be using these boards and the great people that are on them to continue with the healing process that now needs to start.

Cheers

NIL

Right, it sure sounds like a test of the attachment.

As for SET, it is one of the tools for effectively communicating with a pwBPD, it's a tool that's discussed and used time and time again on the staying boards:

S.E.T = Support/Empathy/Truth statements. I'll let you read more about in detail, but it boils down to being direct and firm... .as not to add more fuel to deregulations by a pwBPD

[Nextinline]

Just looked up S E T

Sympathy

Empathy

Truth

I had tried that in all our conversations since we got back together. I blew it all apart when I found out about the lying, deceit and cheating going on behind my back. That was when I lost it and called her some very unpleasant things. To a normal person they would have taken it as how they behaved. To her it was an attack. I did apologise but that was a waste of time. The damage had been done.

I will keep SET in mind when I talk to any other normal person.For her, I know longer care enough to be worried about her, her actions or what I say to her.

[rotiroti]

You're exactly right, as a non in the relationship, we have to take 100% of the responsibility and have to make the changes to make it work. The BPDer is just not capable of making changes. It really is a lifestyle to be in a r/s with a pwBPD and it's something not for me.

Are you looking to reconnect or to disconnect?

[Nextinline]

The BPDer is just not capable of making changes.

Are you looking to reconnect or to disconnect?

I think you have summed up this situation perfectly.

She is incapable of modifying her behaviour. She has painted me black and her other man is now the white knight. All the reasons she left him have not changed. But she is back in his arms and in his bed a week after leaving me.

So, no I do not want to have anything to do with her ever again. She is now dead to me. That may sound severe but for me I have no choice but to heal myself and sever all ties with her.

So the die has been cast, she has been cut adrift and I now need to move on an heal.

It would seem that as harsh and as bad as NC is, there is no other choice.

[rotiroti]

The BPDer is just not capable of making changes.

Are you looking to reconnect or to disconnect?

I think you have summed up this situation perfectly.

She is incapable of modifying her behaviour. She has painted me black and her other man is now the white knight. All the reasons she left him have not changed. But she is back in his arms and in his bed a week after leaving me.

So, no I do not want to have anything to do with her ever again. She is now dead to me. That may sound severe but for me I have no choice but to heal myself and sever all ties with her.

So the die has been cast, she has been cut adrift and I now need to move on an heal.

It would seem that as harsh and as bad as NC is, there is no other choice.

NC is a useful tool in disconnecting and it does not have to be a permanent thing. Once you have fully emotionally detached, you could establish contact if you so desire.

Could I ask you why you think NC is harsh or bad?

[Nextinline]

[/quote]
Could I ask you why you think NC is harsh or bad?[/quote]
Sorry for the delay in responding.

I think the NC is a great tool for the wounded person to use to create space between themselves and the BPD person. It is a tool that requires great strength and personal fortitude so that you don't break the NC and reach out to the ex or to respond to their approaches.

From what I have read, the lack of contact between the wounded ex partner and the ex BPD partner must cause them great distress given their fear of abandonment.

They have effectively been exiled. That's not a bad thing. I am using NC to help me. I have no concern for her at all. But I can imagine that it must do the BPDs head in to hear nothing and to have their intentions to reach out rebuffed.

Just my 2 cents worth.

[Loosestrife]

Could I ask you why you think NC is harsh or bad?[/quote]
Sorry for the delay in responding.

I think the NC is a great tool for the wounded person to use to create space between themselves and the BPD person. It is a tool that requires great strength and personal fortitude so that you don't break the NC and reach out to the ex or to respond to their approaches.

From what I have read, the lack of contact between the wounded ex partner and the ex BPD partner must cause them great distress given their fear of abandonment.

They have effectively been exiled. That's not a bad thing. I am using NC to help me. I have no concern for her at all. But I can imagine that it must do the BPDs head in to hear nothing and to have their intentions to reach out rebuffed.

Just my 2 cents worth. [/quote]
I have felt bad going NC, but you are right - it's necessary for our own healing