After 6 years I finally put together my wife is BPD -- now what?

[LivingWBPDWife]

I am here to try and learn tactics, strategies and how to survive this and get "myself" back from the brink of losing my business, house, everything. My wife is now taking up 90% of my time just dealing with her BPD, we have a new baby, and between the wife, baby, work, and being attacked by my wife which has turned her parents and sister against me, I am just exhausted.

My wife basically thinks I am an evil person and the reason her life is terrible. Of course, we live in a huge house, 3 cars, she doesn't work (can't, she is too tired all the time), beautiful baby, etc. etc. She can't be happy, its impossible it seems. Here is a list of things that she does and I want to validate my belief of BPD:

1. When we met, I was the center of her universe, she literally said things like "I just want to be in the same room with you", now, she won't look at me when I talk to her. She hates me, but yet, can't articulate WHY she hates me or what I have done, other than tell me that I control her, and make her feel bad.

2. I do things for her all the time, but when I ask her to do something rarely will she do it, and if she forgets to do it, or doesn't do it, she gets violently angry when I ask her to do it, or try to tell her how it makes me feel. "Honey, I spent 6 hours helping you yesterday on your project, and I asked you to read to the baby for 10 mins, why can't you do that? You have been on facebook, and texting, so seems like you have time".

3. She is literally incapable of saying "thank you" or showing gratitude, its like her brain is programmed not to make the sounds. Its like pulling teeth to get her to say thank you for anything -- and if she does say it, she mumbles and turns away.

4. She is never happy for more than a moment, her mood swings hourly sometimes by the minute, we are getting along then I say something or ask something, and then she gets irrational, I am a very rational person, so I try to explain it, and this drives her CRAZY (I am learning BPDs HATE judgment and any kind of disagreement).

5. She is always tired, when we met she was 28, she should be able to go all night and climb the walls, but always tired, always depressed, never wants to do anything UNLESS its FUN, and keeps her distracted. When I met her, she was a nurse, worked 3-4 days a week, but HATED the job, she secretly hated it I would say, and lied to her parents about it. Her sister is a nurse as well, went to a big deal school, and my wife didn't, but was trying to keep up and be like her sister IMO -- anyway, after we met and I let her move in, she went from 4,3,2,1 to NONE days at work. She begged me to stay home, always too tired.

6. She has no interests or hobbies of her own, she copies everything. When I met her, I tried to talk about interests or passions, but she had none, later in the relationship this question drives her into a rage. I now understand that she surrounds herself with friends that do things she wants to do or be good at. She is like a chameleon, but only until she FAILS at something or messes up. If she ever isn't AMAZING at something, she quits, or gets angry, I tell her, its fine, try again, whatever, but she attacks herself, "I am no good at anything" is her favorite thing. She wants to INSTANTLY be good at things, but won't work at it for more than a short period, and when she doesn't get good fast enough, she turns on the activity and runs from it. We have started business and hobby after hobby, ALL of them are like dead worlds now on the ground, she hates them all.

7. She constantly lies, or rather changes the facts to suit things, I remember people talking about Steve Jobs "reality distortion field", maybe he was BPD? But, my wife remembers facts completely wrong and just changes events to remove any accountability she has. When we make a decision about something, a long time ago, I learned to ask her, are you sure, what are the pros and cons, and so forth. Then I might say, so we are going to do x right? Yes! Do it! Ok, so I do it. Then 1-2-6 months later, we get into an argument, and she says I made her do it! I am like it was YOUR idea 100%, YOU wanted to buy this, or start this business, why would I want to make bejeweled bras and sell them? Or she distorts reality in real time, for example, we have to sell her car, I am paying for 3 cars right now, and with baby we don't need them, we bought a new SUV, and that's all we need. So, its a 105F out today and she tells me someone wants to come look at the car, I am great, and think I would really like HER to go wash it and make it presentable. But, she would NEVER do manual labor -- it took me years to get her to vacuum, cook, clean, I did ALL of it -- she was always too tired. Anyway, so I go wash HER car, which I make PAYMENTS for so it sits in the driveway to sell it. Anyone with common sense and any experience in sales, knows you don't have a customer come look at a dirty car, you wash it, its called "staging" just like you do for an open house.

Finally, the car had an AC leak and water got into the vents and some mold grew, and I can still smell it. So, I ran the AC, put a little air freshener in there. And then the car was clean, smelled good, and was ready for viewing. But, here's the truth distortion part. She says, what are you talking about it smells? I am like, you know the mold smell in the car? She says, I don't know what you are talking about? WOW -- so I review the past, and tell her, remember when we bought the car for you, you complained that it SMELLED? (she is NEVER happy with anything, always finds something wrong), so I said, show me... .I got in the car, and it DID have a musty smell, told her its probably an AC leak, call the dealer, she did after 2-3 weeks of me telling her to call the dealer, only because the smell was so strong, she finally did, she took it there, they checked it, said it was OK -- they said sometimes heavy condensation gets in there and does this, run the AC, and after a while it would go away -- anyway, point is a WHOLE episode of why the car smells HAPPENED that she was a major player in, but doesn't remember. But, now I understand BPD more, and in her mind, she felt low self esteem or something for NOT washing the car, for making me do it, and working out in the 105F when I need to be working to pay rent. So, she literally has the audacity to tell me "you washed it because you wanted to, its fine, no one cares" -- then I tried to use reason and rationality and make an example, which I KNOW now BPDs hate -- so I said, you buy stuff all the time, imagine you went to get a new skirt and it had a stain on it, you wouldn't want it would you? And then she of course dismissed this analogy, get's angry, and "are we done yet?" -- of course, I am looking for a "Thanks honey, that was really nice of you to wash the car, I know you don't have time, can I get you a cold drink, maybe help you with something today?" -- but that would validate I did something for her, and showing gratitude is impossible for her.

8. She cuts herself and hits herself. I haven't seen her do this in a long time, but when we first met, the 1st year, she would go into rages and hit herself, then I would notice little red lines on her arms and legs, and we have dogs, so they do scratch the hell out of us from time to time, but these were deep, linear and singular, not claws. I asked her about it, she admitting "cutting", but said I made her do it -- I was like, a almost 30 year old woman does NOT just start self harming and mutilating. In my experience this starts pre-teen or teen. So, she has done this for a long time. Of course, I didn't know about the BPD then, and I thought this was just a "Crazy" harm thing from high school and her way to get attention.

9. Intimacy. She RARELY initiates any type of affection, not even a single touch, this was the #1 problem when we met, I have never seen a women her age so uncomfortable with "touching", but I bought her story that she is shy, its always been a problem, just looking for the right man to open up to blah blah. Now, ironically once we start having sex, I have no complaints, but she definitely has ZERO interest in doing anything that might be considered "slutty" or "inappropriate" -- now, this is an area that I can go either way with, but isn't the whole point of sex to do things that ARE inappropriate, and I am not talking about candle wax on the nipples, but harmless things like instead of wearing frumpy sweats, would it kill you to put on some sexy panties or put some effort into it? Its like she is horrified by sex, but it feels just good enough to over power her feelings. And when I try to do something new, or say let's try this, she says she's not a whore and won't do it. The funny thing is a whore is someone that gets paid to have sex with multiple partners, I am not asking her to do that, she is having sex with ME, thus as long as we are both open to it, why not give it a try or 2 or 3? But, its dirty to her -- Now, here's the weird part, she had a pierced tonque, pierced ears (5-6), pierced clit (which I have actually never seen and I have seen a lot), she watches soft porn TV shows like True Blood, she reads the Gray books, etc. and she dresses like a slut when she goes out (which I don't have a problem with), but then when she is with me, she turns a 180 and acts like a little girl, but when she goes out with me or friends, she puts on skin tight pants, 6" heels, giant hoop ear rings, tons of makeup.  So, in a nutshell, hates the thought of sex, never initiates it, but once she is doing it, she is ok with it. But, she feels dirty and like a whore with her own husband, but then in public she dresses 10x worst than anything she does in the bedroom. Its like a paradox, when we first met, she would always be lets go to fredericks and get something sexy for this weekend, now she says she hates all of it, but we have 100 outfits that SHE picked. She says she hates various sex "stuff", but yet watches it glued to the screen or page.

10. She can't empathize at all, whatever is going on in my life pales in comparison to hers it seems. She has friends over 2-3 times a week or goes to their houses, we go out every night for a walk and every weekend we go to the mall. I literally can't get any work done, I am missing deadlines, breaching contracts, stressed out of my mind. But, yet, while we are doing something for HER, she will complain "we never do anything... ." - I am like we are "doing something right now!" -- Its like no matter how much we do, nothing is never enough, every boundary she puts up and challenges me with, "if I could just do this, I would be happy" -- I give her and then she is NOT happy. It drives me mad. Meanwhile I literally have not done a single thing in 1 year, but shop, gym and the dentist 2 times.

11. The universe has to revolve around her, no matter what I say, she just ignores it or dismisses it. If I tell her, I MUST do X today, please help me, or let me do my work, sure enough she will find a way to "black mail" me into helping her and giving her the focus. Her favorite thing is to starve herself and make me feed her. She is breastfeeding and knows I love the baby more than life itself, so if she doesn't eat well, the baby doesn't. So, after a day of facebook, texting, shopping, she is too "tired" to cook for herself let alone me, so I have to stop what I am doing and cook for her, so she will eat right. Then I ask her "what do you want?", which she has no idea, and then gets mad that I asked, and tells me "you know I have trouble deciding what to eat, why do you even ask me?" --- so, I just make her something, then she complains about it of course, and I am a very good cook, so in 10-15 mins she usually gets a restaurant style organic meal.

12. Spending -- She literally can't keep money in the bank, she was $14,000.00 in credit card debt when I met her, I helped her pay it down, now I found out, she ran it back up. Each month, I buy her whatever she NEEDS, but I refuse to just spend money with wild abandon now with baby, and I am the single income maker. We need to be on a budget. But, almost EVERY day she buys something online, or from eBay... And its always "it was just $2, my mom gave me $50, this and that" -- if she has money, she literally has to spend it -- she over draws her checking every month, I pay all her bills, give her the amount to pay them, they should always be the same, but somehow she spends more. And she always has an excuse how this happened... .not based in reality.

13. Cell phone and facebook addicted. She texts or checks her phone every 2 mins, she gets enraged if I tell her to put it away, I don't want the phone (pads) by the baby, it puts out RF, and can't she put the damn thing away while she is with the baby breastfeeding! But she can't, she is afraid she will miss something. And she spends hours each day watching their "perfect" youtube families and out of nowhere is just angry at me. I am like what is wrong, and she says "you would never understand, we just aren't normal" - I am like what do you mean? We live in a house, we have cars, jobs, baby, 2 dogs, eat organic, you have friends, etc. what do you mean "normal" -- again, you just wouldn't understand, we just don't do anything or have fun. Again she has to be the center of the universe and having fun, but "fun" changes daily as she gets NEW definitions of it.

14. She starts things, fails, quits, then blames me. Her newest thing is a MLM which I HATE, scams every one of them and for a BPD its the kiss of death, she already did juice plus it was a DISASTER. Now, she is mad at me because she sees all these "power couples" in the testimonial videos that work and sell together and I don't want to do it with her. I am like, MLMs prey on people with no job skills or people that are stay at home and "want to make some extra money" - I am neither of those things, I have multiple graduate degrees and don't need extra money, why would I throw away decades of schooling/studying to go sell makeup? But, she doesn't get that, all she gets is that I am not "supporting" her in this. But, now I understand this, any kind of criticism or judgment attacks her self esteem or lack thereof and makes me into the villain.

For now, I am trying to keep the peace, but this isn't a solution, this is a tactic. I don't want to be married to this woman like this. If she was willing to try and get better, then I could tolerate it for my new baby, and for the possibility that the good parts of my wife might at some point be 90% of the time, rather than 1% of the time.

But, I don't know how to get from here to there --

COMMENTS?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Wrongturn1]

Living:  Welcome to the forums!   

What you describe sounds like BPD to me, and kudos to you for discovering it after only 6 years... .it took me 14 years to find BPD as the answer as to what was going on with my wife, and I'm relatively perceptive. 

Some pointers for you:

1) Your wife has a severe mental illness, and that's something you need to accept, regardless of whether you ultimately decide to stay or go.  To put yourself in touch with reality, you will need to let go of any expectations that your wife will behave/function normally or that your relationship will be everything that you had once imagined.

2) You didn't cause the BPD; you can't control it; and you can't cure it.  If your wife is to improve, she will have to be the one who decides to seek treatment.  (Also, it's suggested that you don't tell your wife you think she has BPD - there are plenty of threads about that around here, and it almost never seems to go well when someone tries it.)

3) Learn validation, boundaries, and other tools that will help you interact with your wife more effectively - see "The Lessons" linked on the right side of this page.  Also, besides the "Eggshells" book, I highly suggest, "When Hope Is Not Enough" by Bon Dobbs.  As you learn the tools and implement boundaries around the behavior you will accept, there is a good chance that your wife's mental/emotional state will improve and your relationship will improve.  I have certainly seen major improvements in my wife's behavior and our relationship since I started validating and implementing boundaries (boundary example: I will shut down the conversation or walk away when she becomes abusive). 

4) Work on improving your self-care.  Do things that you enjoy doing to recharge your batteries.  You don't need your wife's permission for this.  Spend time with friends and family.  Reconnect with friends and family that your wife may have isolated you from.  A support system can be very helpful.

[LivingWBPDWife]

Thanks -- yes, I am learning how to deal with her very quickly now that I know there is a problem. I am not happy about it though. Reading thru your 1,2,3... .4 I was hoping a strategy about getting her to believe she has BPD or at least listen to the possibility. Of course I have said this so far, but it has no effect and she dismisses it. BPDs are incredible stubborn, which I would imagine is yet another way to protect their ego, simply deny and dismiss anything that sounds bad or makes them responsible.

Anyway, I am just going to keep reading, hopefully, I can find others that are 10 steps ahead of me. I am really interested in any success stories where you have a full blown BPD that is a nightmare, then they are told, learn, someone embrace they are BPD, then seek help, and get "better".

It's just hard talking to someone so irrational all the time, and its really hard talking to someone that only wants to talk if they are getting something from you, or you are saying things that make them feel better about themselves. Adult life has few moments of "everything is happy fun sunshine" -- its bills, deadlines, problems, and she simply can't handle it and I feel like I live with a 33 year old 12 year old. Sigh... .

But, in the past 2 days she hasn't had a meltdown, I have been using techniques like not asking questions, not telling her anything, and when she wants help, I set a boundary which she usually tries to blow past and then she pouts. For example, I say, I will help you in a little while, I need to finish this work -- of course, that's not good enough, so she irrationally says "fine I will just do it" -- then runs off. Normally, I would "EXPLAIN" myself -- now I know this is completely a waste of time. Telling her, I have a project and a deadline that a lot of money is ridding on, and the customer needs this done, that is meaningless to her needs.

Of course, this is such a lonely existence, basically now, my daughter is my only family here and my wife is just a roommate to me, she brings me no joy.

That really sucks.

[OffRoad]

  For example, I say, I will help you in a little while, I need to finish this work -- of course, that's not good enough, so she irrationally says "fine I will just do it" -- then runs off. Normally, I would "EXPLAIN" myself -- now I know this is completely a waste of time. Telling her, I have a project and a deadline that a lot of money is ridding on, and the customer needs this done, that is meaningless to her needs.

BBM: You have learned how to set a boundary already. Good job! AND you have learned that JADE ing (Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain) doesn't work, so no point in bothering.

If you have an uBPDw (and it sounds like you do), you will have to find friends or family to fulfill some of your emotional needs (Like having someone actually care about what you are talking about). It's not that pwBPD can't do it, but you can't depend on their ability to do it. And most pwBPD think they are completely normal. Nothing wrong with them, you know. Everyone feels like they do... .

It's possible that she is suffering from postpartum depression. Has she considered asking the Dr. about that?

Meetup.com saved my sanity. I stay off of Facebook. And go places with friends sometimes. Without your W. Let her go out with friends. Enjoy your daughter and you time.

[LivingWBPDWife]

@OffRoad,

She has almost all the characteristics of BPD, so I think its more than PPD -- if it was just that, I would be happy. But, its the distortion of reality, self harm, frequent mood swings, self devaluation, and so forth. And it was like this BEFORE she was pregnant.

Now, the interesting thing is that BOTH her, her mother, and her sister all have hormone imbalances and have gone for treatment. When my wife and I first met, she was more engaged in trying to "pretend" and be normal, so when I noticed these BPD behaviors she was open to some kind of "therapy", so we started by going to hormone therapy, getting tests, and her hormones were so out of wack, it was shocking. So for 2-3 years, we got her on hormones and it DID help, it reduced the extreme highs and lows, and her self harm stopped. She stopped hitting herself and cutting herself.

Alas, now after the baby -- I believe that she is ALSO PPD, which is very common, but with her already track record of hormone issues, I can almost guarantee she does. And YES, I have brought it up, and asked maybe if she would like to join a local group, she refuses.

Next, I have been trying to get her to go and get a blood test to prove her hormones are off, if she does this and they are then at least there will be some validation that something is off and she might at least, listen to me and others and change eating, etc. habits -- although, we both eat 100% organic and there's not much to change.

However, I have noticed since I met her, that she is VERY sensitive to chemistry. For example, if she would drink she is a completely different person with half a glass of wine, one aspirin knocks her out, you name it -- that said, Omega 3 seems to mellow out her mood, but she "forgets" to take it. Thus, if she forgets to eat, she can turn into a monster, so I am constantly like honey, you should eat, then of course she going into a rage. But, if I don't feed her, then she goes into a rage due to blood sugar Its just a nightmare.

So, I know that some natural foods, herbs, etc. can probably help a little and maybe take the edge off like Omega 3. But, again, its hard to get her to do ANYTHING since any action admits there is a problem which works against her self esteem.

You mention meetup.com -- I looked for any groups on living with people with BPD, but only found 1 tiny group that is dead. I would love to find a local group to talk to someone in real time about this, since I feel there is no one to talk to, especially if they aren't going thru this, its very hard to relate to.

[babyducks]

Hi LivingWBPDWife,

I saw your post on another thread and came over to welcome you to the family.

You sound tired and frustrated and I know exactly why you would be.  It is very hard to live with some one with a mental illness where everything you do is turned against you.   It says in the lessons it is very hard to be in a relationship like this and not be damaged by it.   I know when I first showed up here I was damaged.

The first thing we always suggest for newcomers is to dive into the Lessons box that runs down the right hand side of the page.   There is a tremendous amount of information in there and links that will eventually lead you to other links.   Jump in there and wander around following threads that look interesting is the best way to learn.

The second thing you will notice we focus on a lot here is OUR behavior.   It is a given that our partners are difficult.   It is also true that the only person that we can change is ourselves.   Trying to fix or cure our spouses or partners is like pouring water into a bucket with a hole in it.     What I came to find out was true for me and mine was the more I tried to fix or manage my partners emotions the madder she got at me for doing a rotten job at it.

I noticed you said,

if she forgets to eat, she can turn into a monster, so I am constantly like honey, you should eat, then of course she going into a rage. But, if I don't feed her, then she goes into a rage due to blood sugar. Its just a nightmare.

I would really resent being in that position,  speaking only for myself I would feel trapped as heck.  Try to feed her rage, don't feed her rage.   That is a bunch of No Win choices on the table.  And it's not good for you.

I am wondering if you could start thinking about a different way to handle the rages.   In your other post you said you wanted to 'survive' it.  I can understand that.  I think we can all say we've gone through times of just surviving.  I also believe that we can get passed surviving to thriving because I have.   Took a while and a lot of work on my part, but my r/s is thriving now.   

Is it possible that when your wife starts to rage that you take the baby and leave the room/area/house for an hour or two?   Go to the local park?   Visit your mother?  Go somewhere safe for you?  I am not saying do that today,  I am asking you to think about what could happen if you break the cycle you are stuck in.   

there is a link in the lessons box called "before you can make anything better you have to stop making things worse".  Great place to start.  my partner and I were caught in a cycle of conflict.   breaking that cycle of conflict was hard, it took a great deal of strength on my part but was very necessary.  For me it meant walking away from many arguments where I was being told I didn't care, I was being mean, I wasn't paying enough attention.  eventually she learned that having those arguments didn't get her what she wanted.  so they stopped.

please keep coming and keep posting and reading... .   participation here does help, not instantaneously,  it takes a while to dig out of the hole you find yourself in.

'ducks

[Wrongturn1]

Reading thru your 1,2,3... .4 I was hoping a strategy about getting her to believe she has BPD or at least listen to the possibility.

Living: Yeah, I sure do wish that it worked that way... .I've almost never seen it play out that way however.  The more likely outcome is that your wife would tell you that YOU are the one with BPD.

[OffRoad]

Reading thru your 1,2,3... .4 I was hoping a strategy about getting her to believe she has BPD or at least listen to the possibility.

Living: Yeah, I sure do wish that it worked that way... .I've almost never seen it play out that way however.  The more likely outcome is that your wife would tell you that YOU are the one with BPD.

Or you begin to feel like your the one with BPD. I've questioned myself so many times because it was 22 years before I figured it out, and I probably never would have if he hadn't lost his job and started accusing me of things I hadn't done in front of other people.

But back to Meetup.com. I've never found any BPD groups either, but what I did find were groups of people who had similar interests to mine (driving off road, drumming, movies, knitting, whatever)  where I could go talk to non-BPD people like a neurotypical person. Where people weren't insulted because I asked them a simple question. Where, if I wasn't talkative that day, they didn't come unglued because I was "mad at them." Where I wasn't blamed for everything that went wrong. Right then or ever in their lives. It was just nice to have opinions about anything and even if I disagreed with someone, it was OK. When we are in relationships with pwBPD, we forget what normal looks and feels like. It's good to feel normal again.

[DevilYouKnow]

Living--

It took me 10 years to figure it out with my uBPDw, and I could relate almost exactly to every anecdote you told.  In one sense, it's a relief to be able to put a name to what's going on and it certainly gave me context for the gaslighting--like the token in Inception, I had a better sense of what was reality and what was BPD-land.  At the same time, being able to identify the problem made me want to solve it, and it was frustrating to discover that it wasn't that simple; that, although effective treatment options exist, it is a monumental task to try to get your pwBPD to avail themselves of it. 

When I was ignorant of the disorder, I tried to treat the symptoms in ways that were ultimately damaging to both her and me.  Now, I still can't fix the disorder, but I am getting better at managing the symptoms in healthier ways.  This has--in the short term at least--meant more changes in my behavior than hers, but they were positive changes I needed to make anyway.  It is slow and frustrating and requires more work, discipline, and patience than I have sometimes, but I have seen some improvement.  Last night she was able to express her emotions to me in a healthy way for the first time in a long time--  she was able to calmly and honestly talk about her fears, hopes, disappointments, etc. in a way that wasn't hostile or negative.  I think this is because, for my part, I've gotten better at separating the validity of her feelings from the validity of her reasoning.  It's still like living with a strong-willed child, but now it's less like living with a strong-willed child who is intentionally trying to spite me.

I think the most valid advice you'll probably get from everyone here is to work on you so that you can get to a point where 1) you can interact with her in a way that doesn't needlessly antagonize her but also maintains your dignity as a person and 2) you get your needs met instead of constantly sacrificing them in a losing battle to fulfill hers.  The resources here help.  It's not especially easy or fun, and it doesn't always feel like it's addressing the problem at hand, but if you're committed to providing some normalcy and stability to your kids like I am then you have to try.

--DYK

[LivingWBPDWife]

Thanks everyone for these comments, its funny because everything sounds like I am thinking and feeling. Its amazing how similar a situation we are all in. Reading all the responses, I have been reading thru all the tools and exercise, lessons, and trying to glean tidbits of tactics. I am starting to understand from a pedagogical point of view what to do and not to do, but its HARD from a reality point of view. But, I am getting better. I can see her now for what she is, and this helps a lot, I see the mood swings, and I am REALLY trying as one of you said to figure out how to talk without antagonizing her. I am SOO desperate just to "talk" to her when she is calm and reasonable, just ONCE --

It's like a movie I saw with Robert Denero or something, where a patient had terrible seizures, etc. and could never communicate, then this drug for the first time allowed him to be calm. My wife reminds me of this, but I need to find the "drug", i.e. behaviors for me to make this happen.

But, one bad thing about time -- I run a biz, and do R&:), and I am soo behind, I basically feel like I am loosing 30 years of higher education and building a biz, so I fight with her all day, then I try to work -- I have such an empty life now. All the while, she complains 24/7 about she is bored, tired, this and that - and literally is never happy no matter how many friends, outings, whatever she gets -- it really pisses me off. But, again, there is no point in being pissed at a 10 year old.

Anyway, I am learning -- tonight there were some near collisions, but I bit my tongue and started validating, and it took her from RED to yellow, she just got down to green at 1am or so and went to bed. But, at least there wasn't a huge fight as usual.

If we can do this for 1-2 weeks, we might be able to "talk" for a few mins.

Oh well - sigh... .I wish I did have time to do more meetups, and do stuff, but she has burnt thru our entire savings, its GONE. And my nut is so large every month, I just have to work work work. But, I did find something that is 5 mins from my house, maybe I will try in a week or 2 just to get around some "adults" --

What sucks about all this - is that there is no face to face support groups. Here in Austin, I looked, nothing. There are 1000 for other things, alcohol etc., but nothing for people living with loved ones with BPD and I read that it afflicts like 2-3%, that's a LOT of people.

What would be really cool is a google hangout or something so everyone could talk face to face sorta. Of course, we would all have to hide in our cars, or wait for our BPDs to leave the house.

But, this forum is better than nothing -- every single comment rings so true its spooky.

My challenge though will be to get her to honestly get a diagnosis, this is going to be very very hard.

The part about changing OUR behavior to be able to deal with a BPD I agree with, but I don't want to live my life with a 12 year old for the next 20-30 years. So, my goal is to get her into treatment, recovery, not just try and find a status quo, so hopefully I can figure that out.

[an0ught]

Hi LivingWBPDWife,

What sucks about all this - is that there is no face to face support groups. Here in Austin, I looked, nothing. There are 1000 for other things, alcohol etc., but nothing for people living with loved ones with BPD and I read that it afflicts like 2-3%, that's a LOT of people.

What would be really cool is a google hangout or something so everyone could talk face to face sorta. Of course, we would all have to hide in our cars, or wait for our BPDs to leave the house.

It is true - there is a huge need but it seems hard to fill. What is worth keeping in mind is that writing unlike talking forces structure to our thoughts and can be more effective than simple talking.

The part about changing OUR behavior to be able to deal with a BPD I agree with, but I don't want to live my life with a 12 year old for the next 20-30 years. So, my goal is to get her into treatment, recovery, not just try and find a status quo, so hopefully I can figure that out.

According to my research (double blind typing on calculators) most 12 year old require 6 years to become an 18 year old. I'm speculating that a similar dynamic is at play with pwBPD growing out of it given the right help.

[Skip]

Good sketch of your wife's issues.

So let me ask the harder question.  What would an outsider looking in say your issues are and your contribution to the relationship struggles?

Family Theory says that we mate with our emotional equals (not equivalents) - that we often have emotional maturity issues.  There is also a boat load of literature tagging pwBPD traits and pwNPD traits being attracted to each other.

You've profiled her pretty well. It might help to turn the light inward - profile yourself now.

What's the deal with you - what are you contributing to the struggles?