Abandoned

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After nearly seven years of marriage and two kids, my (uBPD) wife one day decided to replace me with someone else.  I fought and fought and fought like hell to keep her, to keep our family together, to not lose every day with my kids.  But I can't take much more of the abuse.  I can't take her constant daggers.  I can't take her hate.  I did nothing to deserve her rage or her deep seated pain, yet, according to her, I abuse her.  She tells me that I control her by demanding that we go to marital counseling and trying to convince her that moving out of the house the day after our daughter starts kindergarten would be devastating for our daughter. I'm scared.  I'm scared for me, I'm scared for my kids.  I'm ashamed to have married someone who could so easily cast me aside. How can anyone be so vicious without any remorse.  I'm completely lost.

[NonBPHusb]

After nearly seven years of marriage and two kids, my (uBPD) wife one day decided to replace me with someone else.  I fought and fought and fought like hell to keep her, to keep our family together, to not lose every day with my kids.  But I can't take much more of the abuse.  I can't take her constant daggers.  I can't take her hate.  I did nothing to deserve her rage or her deep seated pain, yet, according to her, I abuse her.  She tells me that I control her by demanding that we go to marital counseling and trying to convince her that moving out of the house the day after our daughter starts kindergarten would be devastating for our daughter. I'm scared.  I'm scared for me, I'm scared for my kids.  I'm ashamed to have married someone who could so easily cast me aside. How can anyone be so vicious without any remorse.  I'm completely lost.

[helpmewithbpd]

In a very similar place as you only it isn't my child,  I'm completely lost as well,  as far as I can figure out it seems to be their pattern,  they just move on to their next victim,  it terrible to believe people can just forget and move on with out caring,  I seem to get a little help for myself on bpdfamily.com though so keep look and learning about it does seem to help

[NonBPHusb]

Learning had been helpful, I've read multiple books on BPD.  I've learned to validate and not to feed her mood swings and her insecurities. We've stopped fighting as much, and now there is nothing left but for her to examine the pain her actions caused, so of course she wants a temporary separation.

The other day I told her that I was broken by the fact that she had tried to replace me.  Her response: "I'm sorry it broke you, I know you didn't have a lot of experience with women, so it hurt you more than it would have hurt most men.". What the heck?. It's my fault that I'm destroyed? You think I'm especially fragile? Screw that.  I can't take much more of this.  I need to get my kids out of this crazy town and away from the uBPD queen I married before she screws then up.

[Tangy]

I just wanted to say I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through. I know it must feel terrible to try to keep your family together and then have to accept at the end of the day you couldn't control it. If you are in the early stages you're going to be feeling so many emotions you won't know which way is up. The thing I did, was I wrote as many email drafts as I needed to a day sometimes it was needy, sometimes it was raging and angry, and sometimes it was loving. I of course never sent them, but usually by the time I got out everything I wanted to say to him, I started to feel better. I'm 37 days NC and am starting to be able to radically accept who he is. He like your wife used to blame for for my own hurt feelings for things that he would do. It's super crazy.

He and I were in the middle of planning a wedding, he cheated with an old friend (that he had been stupidly curious about nearly our entire relationship) and then he was angry with me and told me I get in the way of him living his life... .when just the night before he was all lovey dovey "can't wait to spend the rest of my days with you" None of it makes sense and in this early days try to be kind to yourself and kind to your children. Get out your surf board you going to have a million emotions. Do anything and everything you can to self care. Continue posting on here. I've found it to be particularly helpful. Best wishes.

[momtara]

As someone who's been on the divorce board a while, I'd caution you about moving out or thinking you'll get most of the custody of your kids. You should plan carefully. A judge won't care if she 'replaced' you; a judge cares about how the children are treated and if they're safe. If you don't want to lose a day with your kids, I don't want to see you end up as a dad with every other weekend. Many dads get 50 percent custody these days, but not all. You should document what you do with the kids, make sure if she makes false claims against you, that you have a tape recorder. If she does anything abusive to the kids, definitely keep records.

[Someguywrote]

This is very similar to my experience. I read about a lot of abusive behavior on here, but in my case it was totally passive abandonment. We have 2 daughters, one who had also just started kindergarten, and she abandoned them as well. I believe I'm much more attached to my children, and a better parent as well, so they stayed with me. They see her one day a week and she seems fine with that. I think her life is just about getting high and spending time with her new bf now. I saw her today when she dropped the girls off but we didn't speak and have been NC for a couple weeks. It's made it a lot easier for me and my kids.

Idk how your situation is going now, but I recommend letting her go, to start healing yourself and attempting to move on. After reading more about the disorder, I'm pretty sure I'm not willing to put myself or my kids through that emotional turmoil, regardless of how much I love her and care about her.

I hope you do what's best for you and your children. Good luck.