Worried my mom has undiagnosed BPD?

[AdriftAtSea]

Hello, I am new here and I am deeply worried about my mother. My older sister and I are concerned she has undiagnosed BPD. If we look over out childhoods and current situation, we think she has a lot of the signs. I can try and explain more in another post if it helps.

She currently has also been trying to make questionable life choices, and has lashed out at those who try to help her. Currently She wants to leave us all behind and go live with some man in another country, whom she has never actually met and has only know for a couple of months.

She is currently seeing a therapist, but I worry she is just using the time to rage about my sister and father who have become the "bad guys". I would like to just trust her therapist will notice something someday, but I worry it will be too late by then.  She says her therapist has told her my sister is toxic, and that she doesn't want her around my sister. She's also been saying terrible things about my family and telling us her therapist told her to.

My mother currently doesn't know that I know about her various internet affairs. But it seems she has turned against my sister for speaking out against them. I feel like she's trying to turn me against my sister by telling me how "jealous" my sister is of me. My mother always tries to tell me what a horrible person my sister is and how she is toxic to be around.

She's seen two psychiatrists as well, one she says she was 100% truthful with, he wanted to put her on antipsychotics and wanted to hold her overnight.  She didn't like that and antipsychotics weren't the drugs she wanted, so she saw a 2nd one and lied to him to get on mood stabilizers instead. I'm not even sure if she is seeing the doctor as a psychiatrist as he doubles as a neurological doctor and she says she's been having neurological issues. She is the one who said that she was truthful with the first, and lied to the other.

My mother often lies or exaggerates, so it is hard to trust what she says.

I've unfortunately have lived long distance for the past few years, so I didn't see any of this progress. Any advice is welcome. I am deeply deeply concerned.

Thank you all for your time.

[AdriftAtSea]

So, my reasons for worrying are:

She's been erratic and lashing out at everyone in our family lately.

I know throughout my childhood there were a couple of times she'd disappear to the hospital for her mental health issues for a little while.

Around the time my sister was 14 and I was 8, she swallowed a whole bottle of pills, a possible suicide attempt. My sister tells me there have been other attempts.

I remember her telling me out right that she didn't care about me, I was about 12 at time. Her behavior was much worse and consistent towards my sister, always being critical to her about her weight or how she wasn't as good as her friend's children. She'd get upset with my sister if she wasn't the best "girl" among my sister's friends. It got physical with my sister at times as well, my sister remembers being hit repeatedly with a phone because my sister was talking to one of her friends on it. My sister remembers mom repeatedly saying racist things at her when she had a boyfriend who wasn't white when she was 12. My sister cried and begged her to stop, but she wouldn't not. My sister was also supposed to be sleeping for school when my mother did this.

My father says she was a very attentive and good mother when we were little, but as we aged it got worse. When my sister was a teen they would often get into physical fights.

For whatever reason, I was spared this treatment. Maybe it is cause I became physically disabled disabled as a child. She'd always say how "good" I was when compared to my sister. However, I don't remember much of my childhood. I remember I was often isolated and by myself, perhaps by choice, and that I was often in the hospital for health reasons or major surgery.

She'd always make remarks like "Why don't I go kill myself" and when someone was upset with her. My sister and I picked this saying up, but I never realized how damaging it was to hear until a past romantic partner told me about it. I thought it was just…morbid sarcasm, I was very wrong. My sister and I still have to catch ourselves when we get upset in order not to say this.

She also told us whenever she was mad at us that she hoped we would "have children as terrible as you are"

When my material grandmother sticks up for my father she says "If you like him so much why don't you **** him".

She once used my personal info to commit fraud while I was in college. I never knew until I had bill collectors calling me about money I owed.

She's had a rocky job history, often got fired or quit when she couldn't handle it. When she did work, it was the only thing she talked about besides herself. Now that she doesn't, all she talks about is her health and how she has all these horrible diseases, which she does not. The doctors can find nothing wrong with her. She's upset her family by saying the doctor said she had "brain cancer" or other terminal illnesses. . . which she doesn't.

When she was previously married to my biological dad, eventually she demonized him and started getting tons of boyfriends which she would tell my older sister about when she was still only a kid. But, my dad was no saint. He'd often yell at her, they had problems. Eventually she left him. Unfortunately these men weren't what they said they were. They said they'd give her the world, but they often ending up being drug users and such. Later she married my x-step dad who was a decent guy, but when he didn't give her the world like she wanted, she started acting weird and left for my biological dad again. Things haven't worked out as you might imagine.

She blamed my sister for the divorce with my father for being a "difficult" kid.

She HAS been diagnosed with PTSD by her therapist. I often read that these two things co exist. She also has her fair share of physical and sexual trauma during her life.

I've just returned home to stay with my parents while I get on my feet.  I feel stressed and I don't know how to cope.

[eastoftheshire]

Hi there 

Reading your story really made me hurt for you, your mother's behavior is really harmful and I hope you are safe and well.

I'm not a doctor, so obviously I can't diagnose your mom, but what I can tell you is that the similarities between your mother and my mother (who is diagnosed) are really striking.

The biggest thing to me is the lying/manipulation of her therapist. My mom stopped seeing the doctor that diagnosed her as BPD (she has a co-diagnosis for PTSD as well, she's an incest victim) as soon as she realized that she wasn't going to get the sympathy/babying that she thought she would get if she had been diagnosed as depressed or otherwise. She started seeing multiple other therapists that she would usually use to validate her belief that her whole family was out to hurt her and support her view of herself as a victim. That's a huge red flag that your mom even admits that she manipulated her doctors to get the medication she preferred.

Also the impulsive/reckless romantic relationships & rocky job history are like textbook BPD signs.

My youngest sister sounds a lot like you. When she was very small, like toddler to preschool age, and I was a preteen my sister had lung and heart problems and spent lots of time hospitalized or bedridden. My mother solicited sympathy for baby sister constantly, doted on her excessively, and favored her over all her other children. Before my sister was born, I was the "golden child", and when I got older and started to develop my own independent thought and personality, she transferred that favoritism over to my sister. Since my sister needed a lot of extra assistance growing up, it was easy for my mom to make her a totally dependent extension of herself. She could manipulate my sister for support and her own emotional needs whenever she wanted to. So I wouldn't be surprised if your mom is BPD and had a similar dynamic with you and your sister.

Also the threatening suicide when someone is upset with her absolutely inexcusable. That's totally abusive and manipulative behavior, whether she's Borderline or not.

Please stay safe while your in your parents' home. How does your sister feel about all of this?

[AdriftAtSea]

My sister has started to educate herself about the topic and is also trying to help educate my 78 year old grandma about it. Sadly my grandma is a little bit of an enabler, but my sister has already purchased some books to help educate everyone.

My sister and Grandma are actually on week long vacation with my mom right now (my return home came at a weird time). She says mom hasn't been acting good towards them, she's lashing out, saying bad things to them, lying and exaggerating.

However, they've employed the "kind exit" method and it really seems to be helping.

Unfortunately I've been on the receiving end of some text messages about how "horrible" my sister is from my mom.  I've tried to reassure her that, while she is angry at my sister/my sister was being mean, that my sister still loves and cares for her very much. I've gotten my mom from constantly saying bad things about my sister to saying "Amy(not real name) needs to be kinder. Her harshness is very distressing and it hurts".  I think that is a little of an improvement from a string of insults.

Examples of lying/exaggerating:

I've returned home because I've ended a relationship, and my sister said mom said I was suicidal. I'm not. I never told her this. I'm a little heartbroken and have been talking with my mother and sister about it, but I am completely fine. Not sure how she was reacting to me being "suicidal" or if my sister corrected her, but it feels horrible that she would suggest that I am.

My mom said she shaved her head bald when she was with my stepdad. She never did this. My sister pointed it out and she flew into a rage and left the place they were staying at for 3 hours with out a word.  I am confused why she would try and lie about something that never happened, in front of two people who know it never happened.

[Kwamina]

Hi AdriftAtSea

The situation with your mother sounds very difficult and stressful. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I am glad you are reaching out here for support and advice. Many of our members know what it's like to have a BPD mother and how hard this can be.

Based on several things you've said, it seems your mother is engaging in the BPD behavior known as 'splitting', are you familiar with this term? Here is some information about it:

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.

... .

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderline's life.

It seems your mother treats/treated your sister as the all-bad child and you quite possibly as the all-good child. Would you say that is an accurate assessment? You can read more about splitting here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Around the time my sister was 14 and I was 8, she swallowed a whole bottle of pills, a possible suicide attempt. My sister tells me there have been other attempts.

This is very concerning behavior and horrible to have to deal with as a child. It's a very unfortunate reality of BPD and several other mental disorders that certain people suffering from it have suicidal tendencies and in some cases actually make suicide attempts. Do you believe your mother still has suicidal tendencies?

My father says she was a very attentive and good mother when we were little, but as we aged it got worse. When my sister was a teen they would often get into physical fights.

This is often how it goes with BPD parents. As their children's become older the BPD parent might see their growing independence and individuality as a threat. Often people with BPD also have an intense fear of abandonment. Paradoxically by their own behavior they themselves often are the ones to initiate this abandonment that they fear so much. Would you say that your mother also has a fear of abandonment?

Maybe it is cause I became physically disabled disabled as a child.

... .

I remember I was often isolated and by myself, perhaps by choice, and that I was often in the hospital for health reasons or major surgery.

I am very sorry to hear you've had these problems with your health. That isn't easy to deal with at all at such a young age. How is your health now?

She'd always make remarks like "Why don't I go kill myself" and when someone was upset with her. My sister and I picked this saying up, but I never realized how damaging it was to hear until a past romantic partner told me about it. I thought it was just…morbid sarcasm, I was very wrong. My sister and I still have to catch ourselves when we get upset in order not to say this.

Often children of BPD parents end up learning or copying certain unhealthy BPD-like behaviors from them. That isn't a pleasant realization, but when you acknowledge this you've already taken the first step to being able to better manage these behaviors

Can you identify any other unhealthy behaviors you might have picked up from your mother? We recently had a thread here about this subject that I think you might find interesting:

Recognizing and dealing with our own unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms

I've returned home because I've ended a relationship, and my sister said mom said I was suicidal. I'm not. I never told her this. I'm a little heartbroken and have been talking with my mother and sister about it, but I am completely fine. Not sure how she was reacting to me being "suicidal" or if my sister corrected her, but it feels horrible that she would suggest that I am.

Very unpleasant that your mother said these things about you. It sounds like your mother might have been engaging here in the BPD-behavior known as 'projection':

n general, emotionally healthy people base their perceptions on facts.  Projection is basing your perception of reality on feelings.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Commonly the projection is an exaggeration of something that has a basis in reality. For example, the borderline may accuse you of "hating" them when you just feel irritated. Sometimes the projection may come entirely from their imagination: for example, they accuse you of flirting with when you were just asking for directions to the shoe department. ~ Randi Kreger

You can read more about projection here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[AdriftAtSea]

Thank you for all the info!

It seems your mother treats/treated your sister as the all-bad child and you quite possibly as the all-good child. Would you say that is an accurate assessment?

I would say me being the "all good" child and my sister being the "all bad" child is very accurate. As soon as my sister hit around 11 my mom didn't have much to good to say about her. She'd always talk about how bad she is.

Yet, strangely enough mom still tried to support and be there for her. So, it wasn't like she didn't love my sister or completely neglected her. She took off work willingly went with my sister to a hospital to have surgery done. She took good care of her afterwards and looked out for her.  Before the last month or so, she also still tried to help my sister out if she could.

Less surprisingly I guess is that my mother also seemed to be generally helpful towards me as well.

Also, recently my mother has been saying things like "I really don't want to deal with Ann's (me, fake name) sadness when I come home, because I have my own life to work on and worry about", to my sister and grandma. It hurt to hear she said this, so it is confusing when she sends encouraging text messages about how I am going to be fine and etc.

Do you believe your mother still has suicidal tendencies?

My sister and I are currently worried about that actually.  My mother has really started to act out it seems, the last time it was this bad she was around 40 and divorcing my father. That was when she also swallowed all those pills. Since she is pushing 60, we are wondering if this is possibility an age thing combined with possible BPD?  Another man was also in the picture when she was 40, just like now. We are also wondering if that is related.

My sister says all last night while she and grandma were making dinner my mom just went on and on about how she is going to kill herself. My sister lost her temper and told her she was going to call the police. My mom said "It's okay, I know how to do it quietly as well". We assume she meant kill herself quietly and we are scared. We don't know if we should talk to her therapist, or if that would cause problems. We don't know if we should take this seriously and possibly have her taken to the hospital.

Would you say that your mother also has a fear of abandonment?

I'm not sure. She clings to any man who says he will give her everything. She's never expressed her abandonment fears to us, but she did say that went I left to live with my exboyfriend that a "piece of her left".

How is your health now?

My physical disability hasn't gone away, but in all other areas my health has much improved, so I'm actually doing much better. I have no other major health issues.

Can you identify any other unhealthy behaviors you might have picked up from your mother?

I'm not sure if I picked these up from her per se, but I know that I have abandonment fears, difficulty trusting people, and a possible insecure-anxious attachment style (aka preoccupied attachment style). My abandonment fears were much worse when I was a child and teen, but as I grew up I got better.  I am also an extremely anxious person. When I was living with my exboyfriend I was seeing a therapist about things and it helped me gain perspective on my feelings, anxiety and attachment style. I plan on continuing this therapy as soon as I find a therapist here.

My old therapist said that I had a tendency to ignore my gut feelings and that I need to start listening again as well as trusting myself. She said this is where she thinks my trust issues come from, because I won't listen or trust my own feelings about things, and in turn that makes me unable to get a good reading about other people.

I worry that sometimes when I do listen to my feelings that my emotional reactions are too strong, so I try to notice them. Usually when I look back at some of them I am able to say "Yeah, I got really upset over nothing". Usually it is me imagining the worst and reacting accordingly.

So I'm trying to work on those things, but as of my very last appointment with her, my therapist said that I made a lot of good progress in such a few short months. So I am hopeful that I can continue this progress.

I've been trying to keep myself hopeful that my mother might be receptive to different therapy, maybe even DBT therapy since I hear that can really help people with BPD.

[Kwamina]

Hi again AdriftAtSea

My sister says all last night while she and grandma were making dinner my mom just went on and on about how she is going to kill herself. My sister lost her temper and told her she was going to call the police. My mom said "It's okay, I know how to do it quietly as well". We assume she meant kill herself quietly and we are scared. We don't know if we should talk to her therapist, or if that would cause problems. We don't know if we should take this seriously and possibly have her taken to the hospital.

It's concerning that your mother says these things. We have some resources here that might help you better deal with this behavior from your mother:

Suicide ideation emergency protocol

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

My physical disability hasn't gone away, but in all other areas my health has much improved, so I'm actually doing much better. I have no other major health issues.

Dealing with a physical disability can be quite challenging, I am glad though that your health has improved in all other areas

I was seeing a therapist about things and it helped me gain perspective on my feelings, anxiety and attachment style. I plan on continuing this therapy as soon as I find a therapist here.

Having a therapist in your support network can be very helpful indeed, many of our members can attest to do that. I hope you'll be able to find another therapist soon.

I worry that sometimes when I do listen to my feelings that my emotional reactions are too strong, so I try to notice them. Usually when I look back at some of them I am able to say "Yeah, I got really upset over nothing". Usually it is me imagining the worst and reacting accordingly.

Perhaps mindfulness is something that could help you:

Mindfulness is a type of self-awareness in which we learn to observe ourselves in real time to see and alter our reactions to be more constructive.

We have an article here about this subject: Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

I've been trying to keep myself hopeful that my mother might be receptive to different therapy, maybe even DBT therapy since I hear that can really help people with BPD.

DBT has indeed been proven to be effective for certain people with BPD. For this to happen it is essential that the participants acknowledge that there might be something wrong with their behavior and fully commit to working on their issues. Do you feel like your mother has ever in any way truly acknowledged that there might be something wrong with her behavior?

[AloneAtLast]

My old therapist said that I had a tendency to ignore my gut feelings and that I need to start listening again as well as trusting myself. She said this is where she thinks my trust issues come from, because I won't listen or trust my own feelings about things, and in turn that makes me unable to get a good reading about other people.

I am printing this off and putting it somewhere where I will read it every day.