Feeling disordered myself

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Its been 8 months since my b/u with crazy and some days I feel crazy myself. I'll go from hating my ex and her new boyfriend to fantasizing about wanting her back. Sometimes I'm convinced we're "supposed to be together" and that she'll come back if I message her or something. Her last email kind of convinced me I was the crazy one and she is better. I'm taking 2 medications, one of them an over the counter SSRI (5-HTP) just to keep my life on track. My T says yes I made the right decision, don't contact her, set goals for myself, etc. but I can't think of anything except her when my mind wanders and somehow I think my T doesn't know enough about my ex to really say I should avoid, but who knows? My T says, "she's the one with the personality disorder, not you!" :S

How much crazy behavior does it take to convince you they're messed up?

[disorderedsociety]

Its been 8 months since my b/u with crazy and some days I feel crazy myself. I'll go from hating my ex and her new boyfriend to fantasizing about wanting her back. Sometimes I'm convinced we're "supposed to be together" and that she'll come back if I message her or something. Her last email kind of convinced me I was the crazy one and she is better. I'm taking 2 medications, one of them an over the counter SSRI (5-HTP) just to keep my life on track. My T says yes I made the right decision, don't contact her, set goals for myself, etc. but I can't think of anything except her when my mind wanders and somehow I think my T doesn't know enough about my ex to really say I should avoid, but who knows? My T says, "she's the one with the personality disorder, not you!" :S

How much crazy behavior does it take to convince you they're messed up?

[JohnnyShoes]

Its been 8 months since my b/u with crazy and some days I feel crazy myself. I'll go from hating my ex and her new boyfriend to fantasizing about wanting her back. Sometimes I'm convinced we're "supposed to be together" and that she'll come back if I message her or something. Her last email kind of convinced me I was the crazy one and she is better. I'm taking 2 medications, one of them an over the counter SSRI (5-HTP) just to keep my life on track. My T says yes I made the right decision, don't contact her, set goals for myself, etc. but I can't think of anything except her when my mind wanders and somehow I think my T doesn't know enough about my ex to really say I should avoid, but who knows? My T says, "she's the one with the personality disorder, not you!" :S

How much crazy behavior does it take to convince you they're messed up?

I don't know bud, I DO know that pwBPD make people close to them FEEL like *They* are the crazy ones.

Just tonight I have been thinking the same thing.

When you have a relationship with someone who has BPD... .its a Real Mind Fck !

Dont be too quick and too hard on yourself to think that... .cause She *appears* to have it all together, that YOU are the one with the problem!

Just by you posting this says MUCH in your favor. BPD peeps do not possess the ability to have Introspection... .The ability to look st ones own self in terms of your part in the relationship.

BPD'ers NEVER take *Any* responsibility for anything that they might have said or done wrong. Its always YOUR FAULT!

you're in good company bud.

Stay strong... .keep moving forward as you are doing

[saintgrey]

Listen to lana del rey "born to die" album, it will all make sense and you will know your not the crazy one.

Warning ! don't play this near BPD people, it will make them go crazy at least my ex couldn't stand her songs.

[frayedseamstress]

I think almost all of us who have experienced a relationship with someone afflicted with a personality disorder have questioned our own sanity hundreds of times. I'm still in my relationship, and I can tell you that even now that I have come so far in terms of being able to emotionally handle his "episodes" ("splitting" behaviours, drinking binges, outbursts of violent self-loathing, etc.) I still question myself sometimes just on the grounds of having stayed this long. Other questions I tumble with are, "Am I maybe still more codependent than I think? Am I really being horrible to him by maybe imposing my 'help' on him? Is my love for him actually some sort of narcissistic game I'm accidentally playing with him?" and others, where he'll accuse me of things like this and more in his blame-games and I can't help but wonder if they're true. But when you look at yourself, and see yourself looking into yourself so hard, and all you can see are your truly good intentions, you have to realize you're not crazy.

In your case, when you think about your ex and remember the good times you had and see how much love you put into her, and then look at the bad times and see all that "wasted" energy and try to rationalize that it was out of love, so maybe you two were really meant to be together... .just know you're not crazy, and we all rationalize this way at some point or another. As finite beings, our time means so much, because it's so limited. It's only natural that you'd revisit such a large and recent chunk of your memory with the hope of feeling fondness and seeing something fulfilling in it. It's like denial of grief. You will get passed it. Just know you truly, truly aren't crazy. 

[SGraham]

Listen to lana del rey "born to die" album, it will all make sense and you will know your not the crazy one.

Warning ! don't play this near BPD people, it will make them go crazy at least my ex couldn't stand her songs.

Ironically, my ex loved lana del ray. When im feeling kinda crazy i almost go the opposite route and feed in to the insanity to get it out of my system, any of eminem's slim shady songs do the trick.

[disorderedsociety]

Its been 8 months since my b/u with crazy and some days I feel crazy myself. I'll go from hating my ex and her new boyfriend to fantasizing about wanting her back. Sometimes I'm convinced we're "supposed to be together" and that she'll come back if I message her or something. Her last email kind of convinced me I was the crazy one and she is better. I'm taking 2 medications, one of them an over the counter SSRI (5-HTP) just to keep my life on track. My T says yes I made the right decision, don't contact her, set goals for myself, etc. but I can't think of anything except her when my mind wanders and somehow I think my T doesn't know enough about my ex to really say I should avoid, but who knows? My T says, "she's the one with the personality disorder, not you!" :S

How much crazy behavior does it take to convince you they're messed up?

I don't know bud, I DO know that pwBPD make people close to them FEEL like *They* are the crazy ones.

Just tonight I have been thinking the same thing.

When you have a relationship with someone who has BPD... .its a Real Mind Fck !

Dont be too quick and too hard on yourself to think that... .cause She *appears* to have it all together, that YOU are the one with the problem!

Just by you posting this says MUCH in your favor. BPD peeps do not possess the ability to have Introspection... .The ability to look st ones own self in terms of your part in the relationship.

BPD'ers NEVER take *Any* responsibility for anything that they might have said or done wrong. Its always YOUR FAULT!

you're in good company bud.

Stay strong... .keep moving forward as you are doing

Thanks for the post. It vibes with my experience. Whats more confusing is that the "replacement" seemed pretty wise and intelligent but jumped right in and knocked her up 1 month into their r/s (dunno if it was an accident.) So I'm like, well if he is with her maybe she is more sane than I thought? But at times I felt like I was dealing with a little girl who was acting out high-school level drama. But sometimes our partners match what we feel inside, so maybe she was just showing a dark part of me that I needed to deal with? Maybe she is different with him? From what I've read it will be different but ultimately the same patterns play out. In my case the pattern was loving relationship -> suddenly she doesn't trust me, brings up something I did long ago that she had dropped -> starts seeking attention elsewhere -> I'm left feeling like if I stay I'm doing her a favor at the expense of my happiness or if I leave I'm horrible for wanting to leave such a "loyal and loving" partner. The best I could sort with my feelings during the r/s was telling her "I feel ok with the relationship when I feel bad about myself." She hated that one!

I'm not sure how a new child will play out in their r/s but its not my problem. I just want this feeling of being defective somehow to leave. And yes she didn't take ownership of anything she did. In her last email it was just, "I'm sorry for the bad/angry behavior, take care." The format of it was like, here's a wall I'm putting up from the start, here's a justification for my behavior, don't respond cause I don't care basically.

[GreenEyedMonster]

When you think about it, there is only room for one "whole person" in a BPD relationship.  I have had a couple relationships with pwPD so I can personally attest to this.

If the pwBPD fears abandonment . . . you are not allowed to evaluate them as a partner.  (You feel engulfment.)

If the pwBPD fears engulfment . . . you get punished for making your needs known.  (You feel abandonment.)

If the pwBPD can't handle criticism, you have to take or leave what they have to offer.  (You feel engulfment.)

If the pwBPD leaves at random to handle his/her own feelings . . . you have to tolerate your needs not being met.  (You feel abandonment.)

Basically, it's inevitable that the person with BPD's behavior will make the partner feel a lot of engulfment and abandonment, because the pwBPD can't handle that.  So you, as the NON, are forced to feel all the negative emotions for both of you.  Add this to projection, projective identification, FOG, etc. and no wonder you feel crazy!  You can even get PTSD from this, so you end up repeating your engulfment/abandonment fears in other relationships.

Knowing that my partner would leave immediately if I didn't meet his needs made me feel a horrible sense of engulfment.  I lost 10 lbs. and had hair falling out in clumps from trying so hard to be perfect because I knew that he emotionally could not tolerate me asking for my needs to be met.  So I made myself into the person he needed. 

I have a lot of trauma from these relationships in the form of really strong engulfment/abandonment fears.  I do not, however, split people, suffer from lack of empathy, outbursts of anger, etc.  I have the particular issues that my partners made me bear for them, so this is where I need to work on myself.

[Suzn]

How much crazy behavior does it take to convince you they're messed up?

Let's turn this around a little DS. It is normal to feel sad and lonely after a breakup. When you add in BPD you can throw in confused. Would this be an accurate assessment for how you feel?

My T told me in the past when I questioned my feelings about my actions/issues being the cause of the breakup when my ex seemed to move on quickly... . "I would be more concerned if you felt nothing and moved on to another relationship quickly."

What is it that you need right now?

Asking ourselves this question can help us redirect our focus to us. It helps us to look for ways to self sooth and comfort ourselves.

What stage do you see yourself in on the list of stages of detachment? Find these to the right of your screen --->

[disorderedsociety]

How much crazy behavior does it take to convince you they're messed up?

Let's turn this around a little DS. It is normal to feel sad and lonely after a breakup. When you add in BPD you can throw in confused. Would this be an accurate assessment for how you feel?

My T told me in the past when I questioned my feelings about my actions/issues being the cause of the breakup when my ex seemed to move on quickly... . "I would be more concerned if you felt nothing and moved on to another relationship quickly."

What is it that you need right now?

Asking ourselves this question can help us redirect our focus to us. It helps us to look for ways to self sooth and comfort ourselves.

What stage do you see yourself in on the list of stages of detachment? Find these to the right of your screen --->

Thanks for your input, Suzn.

If I had to place myself somewhere on that chart I'd say I'm hopping between 2 and 3.

What I need right now is faith in myself.

Edit: I'd say I definitely feel lonely sometimes and definitely a bit confused. This article helped me a lot tonight:

www.letmereach.com/2014/04/11/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser/

I can identify 9/10 of the things listed that she used to do, but part of me tells me those things never happened or they were normal and I'm the bad one. Staying present is the only way through, because you can't think your way all the way through these things.

[Suzn]

What I need right now is faith in myself.

Would this mean trusting yourself?

I can identify 9/10 of the things listed that she used to do, but part of me tells me those things never happened or they were normal and I'm the bad one.

It may help to look at this in terms of human and levels of emotional maturity instead of good and bad, black and white. Did these things happen?

Staying present is the only way through, because you can't think your way all the way through these things.

Agreed, staying present helps us to cope. We do a lot of processing of our thoughts and feelings in recovery, it ends up like peeling an onion if we stick with it. Once we see one part of the reality in the relationship and in ourselves another part presents itself. 

[disorderedsociety]

What I need right now is faith in myself.

Would this mean trusting yourself?

I can identify 9/10 of the things listed that she used to do, but part of me tells me those things never happened or they were normal and I'm the bad one.

It may help to look at this in terms of human and levels of emotional maturity instead of good and bad, black and white. Did these things happen?

Staying present is the only way through, because you can't think your way all the way through these things.

Agreed, staying present helps us to cope. We do a lot of processing of our thoughts and feelings in recovery, it ends up like peeling an onion if we stick with it. Once we see one part of the reality in the relationship and in ourselves another part presents itself.  

It would be trusting that I made the best decision at the time. My T assures me I did but I don't know what to believe sometimes.

The things I experienced from that list though... .

She thought my one friend I had would convince me to leave her because I stayed overnight at his place once.

She didn't want me talking to my mom because she would "take me away from her."

The first time I told her I was leaving she destroyed my phone, threw my clothes in the tub and poured paint on them.

Before she was on medication she used to road rage, scream at people and flip them off. I constantly walked on eggshells. This got better after medication but things got to stalemate-level. I wasn't necessarily walking on eggshells but I knew my "bounds" and didn't cross any lines that had been made uncrossable by her.

She would be really nice and loving and when I didn't respond perfectly she would become sullen and withdrawn.

Never seemed to perceive any wrong in her actions. Only after 6 months of NC did I get a sort of generalized apology. Probably because she anticipated the "replacement" leaving soon.

Any interests I had she would not support unless it involved making money which she would then spend.

If I talked to a member of the opposite sex, I was automatically seeing that girl as a prospective partner in her mind. She persuaded me to quit my job because I talked to a girl there and she apparently gave my ex a look that one of the girls her ex (who she used as a manipulation tool - comparing me to him) was cheating on her with gave to my ex  

The list goes on but she eventually started saying things like "you're lucky I put up with you."

I started to get angry with the manipulative behavior but since I had so much time invested in being with her I just pushed those feelings aside and kind of... .gave up and told myself she was right. I'm not sure what that would be called... .I find some of the anger coming out in things like group sports now and it sucks.

[ketch61]

You are not crazy,  being with BPD make you feel you are the crazy one. So much confusing, remember  that BPD project their problem and make you feel you are the source of the problem, keep in mind that BPD fail every relationship with no exception,  so how's the crazy one ?

[disorderedsociety]

I don't know sometimes. When I meditate and come into awareness, away from the ego traps and this story I have about the relationship, I can see certain things she said as true and some are just confusing. She would say it was an ego trip for me to leave but I say it was the only hope I had left. The more present and aware I was, the less I saw or felt anything good about staying. Fear kept me there, the fear that she wouldn't know what to do, that I would be making a mistake, that her daughter wouldn't have a stable father, that I would regret it. Do I regret it? No. She obviously gets through life just fine without me, so she can live hers and I can live mine. I just don't know what to do at this point. I'd like to get into the dating game on one hand but am perfectly fine just staying in and keeping to myself in the world.