To give him my new contact info or not?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi---

   My BPD partner told me last month (after a "break" of several months) that he wants to end it. He also said "I wish you good luck, and you'll find someone who is better than I am"... .this sounded final to me, but we have taken breaks before.

   I feel upset about this, and now I will be having new contact info.  Though he hasn't contacted me, I don't want him to be unable to reach me, in case a recycle attempt comes up

  I feel anxious about this---I would like to call him and give him my new contact info. Worst case scenario I fear is that he'll yell   "I said goodbye! I'm not with you! Why would I need your contact info?"    Better case scenario is he is in a calm mood when I call, and he takes my new contact info.

   Any thoughts? Has anyone gone through this?

Thank you

Shatra

[shatra]

Hi---

   My BPD partner told me last month (after a "break" of several months) that he wants to end it. He also said "I wish you good luck, and you'll find someone who is better than I am"... .this sounded final to me, but we have taken breaks before.

   I feel upset about this, and now I will be having new contact info.  Though he hasn't contacted me, I don't want him to be unable to reach me, in case a recycle attempt comes up

  I feel anxious about this---I would like to call him and give him my new contact info. Worst case scenario I fear is that he'll yell   "I said goodbye! I'm not with you! Why would I need your contact info?"    Better case scenario is he is in a calm mood when I call, and he takes my new contact info.

   Any thoughts? Has anyone gone through this?

Thank you

Shatra

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Fian]

Let's say he was trying to find you, would he be able to figure it out?  Does he know how to reach out to any of your friends and ask them for your new contact info?  Does he have your email address?

[Notwendy]

I have a few thoughts about this, one being responsibility and the other, a popular book made into a movie ( the movie had a different message than the book- I liked the book better)- "He's just not that into you".

The book discusses how women seem to give a man a pass ( it is somewhat stereotyped to men/women) -make excuses for why a man might not call them- " Oh, he lost my number" "Oh he's just busy" "Maybe he lost my number, so I will call him".  It makes a point that a grown man- someone who has gotten to adulthood somehow, works, takes care of himself,... .knows how to pick up a phone if he wants to. The other point is that as a grown man, he knows what he needs to do to get what he wants. If he wants to contact someone- he knows how to pick up the phone.

It's a simplified somewhat comical book which asks why women seem to not think a grown man is capable of getting in touch with them, when they seem to be capable of surviving on their own.

In this era- of internet, Facebook, it is not difficult to find someone you once knew if you put your mind to it. Old friends from decades ago have found me- somehow- through mutual friends, parents, Facebook.  I have found people I knew when I was a kid on Facebook.

The other part of this is responsibility. Who broke it off? He did. If he wants to get in touch with you, whose responsibility is it? His

IMHO, if you call him to tell him where you are, then you are taking responsibility for his possible wish to contact you. This is just my opinion, not from experiencing recycles, but from realizing that, a grown adult is capable of getting in touch with someone if he/she wants to and to trust that they will if they want to.

[Daniell85]

Totally in agreement with Notwendy.

If you don't want to make a choice right now, sit on it a few weeks. See how things go. How YOU feel. Get some detachment and distance. A lot of times with separation come clarity.

And I am having to do this myself. I ended my relationship. If my ex wants to find me, he can. I hope he pulls it together some before he tries, though.

[shatra]

Fian wrote---

Let's say he was trying to find you, would he be able to figure it out?  Does he know how to reach out to any of your friends and ask them for your new contact info?  Does he have your email address?

---Maybe it wasn't clear in my original post. I am having new contact info (meaning I'm changing the contact info he has for me). So no, it's not a matter of him taking responsibility to call me or being into me or not.  He will not have my email or any other way to contact me.

   

  So, along with the friends and others I will be contacting to give them my new, updated info, I am thinking of contacting him. Otherwise he will not have any way to contact me.

Thoughts or experience with contacting the BPD to give them new contact info?

Shatra

[Notwendy]

I understand that you wish to know if it is OK to send your partner your contact info, but I don't think there is a way to know what his response will be.

I think it helps to put the focus on you, and your wishes.

I think it is clear that you hope he will contact you in the event he wants to be in a relationship with you and that you are concerned that he may have difficulty contacting you.

If you would feel better yourself, to give him the info, then do it for you, but I don't think it is possible to predict his response.

If you wish to not give him your info, then I think, if he wanted to find you, he could do it regardless. Yes, he does not have it directly, but if you have any mutual friends in common, are on social media, it would be very easy to find you.

If you were in the position to look for him, and didn't have his contact info,  what would you do? Do you know how to contact some of his friends, family, work contacts?  Do you have mutual contacts on Facebook?  If so, could he also do the same to find you?

If you truly believe that he is not able to contact you at all, even with effort, and you want him to, then send it to him.

[shatra]

If I don't give him the contact info, it would be very difficult for him to contact me... .

     I'm thinking that if someone contacted me with their new contact info, I would assume that either they want me to call them in the future, or they want me to have that possibility======I would take down the contact info from them in either case, but a BPD might have a different view/reaction

[Jessica84]

Can you send a blast email or text? That way it isn't directed to just him, but to everyone on your contact list. Then he has it if he wants it, but it doesn't appear that you made a special point to make sure that he (and he alone) had it - which would put less pressure on him.

[Notwendy]

I can relate to missing an SO, or ex SO and wishing that phone would ring, then wondering if he could get a hold of me. The truth is, that was up to him no matter what I did or was wishing. It's hard to be in that place.

I see that you are concerned that giving contact info to your SO after he broke it off may result in a different reaction because he has BPD, and I understand that you want to know what that may be. His reaction could be anything, from responding positively or negatively, or not at all. There is no way to know what that reaction might be.

When taking any action that involves another person, we can be concerned about their reaction, but we need to be honest with ourselves too.

Why are we doing this? What do we want? We can try relate in a way that may get us what we want- such as asking politely for something- but we need to also be aware of if we are being manipulative.

From what I can tell from your posts, the idea that he may not be able to contact you is concerning to you, and you believe that it would be difficult for him to find your contact information. Since this is uncomfortable for you, then, to take care of that- you can give it to him. There is also a question of how to do this. You mentioned calling him up. You can do that, and he may answer and he may not, in which case you can leave a message, or keep calling him in hopes he will answer. One question about calling him is the motive- give him the contact info or do you want to speak to him?

There are other ways to send contact info. Jessica mentioned a group e mail, and this would not be something exclusive to him. Or you can send him an e mail. The method depends on your motive. Act according to what you want. However, once you do, the ball is in his court- to contact you or not. This is hard, but it will take care of your role in this- to give him access to your info if he wants to contact you. This can feel risky and scary, but it is the risk we all take when putting ourselves out there for someone to reply to- whether or not that person has BPD.

There isn't a "BPD way" to do this as far as I know.

[shatra]

 Jessica---good idea

Notwendy--

One question about calling him is the motive- give him the contact info or do you want to speak to him?

-----I'd rather not speak to him right now, but I want to give him the contact info

There are other ways to send contact info. Jessica mentioned a group e mail, and this would not be something exclusive to him. Or you can send him an e mail.

-----In my experience with him (and others) emails can easily get lost or accidentally skipped.  Giving it him directly on the phone is a way to know he definitely received it

Act according to what you want. However, once you do, the ball is in his court- to contact you or not.

---He has already contacted me since our last visit

There isn't a "BPD way" to do this as far as I know.

---With BPD's  sensitivity to change, loss, attachment, detachment, along with splitting and push-pull, I would imagine a BPD would have a stronger/different reaction to someone they are not with providing them with changed contact info---could be positive or negative. I posted the issue to see if anyone has experience in this