Abuse only over text?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Something clicked today that may be the reason why I am having a hard time getting over her.

During the relationship and afterward. She would never say anything anything hateful to my face. She would be ridiculously shy. Pretty much all of her raging was over text.

A good example would be one of the times I met her after we broke up. She stated she just wanted to see me and catch up. It was really awkward, she barely said anything, but didn't seem to be mad at all.

Literally 5 minutes after she left I was being insulted over text. Like she turned into a different person. Its like her in person isn't her. A hateful text after seeing each other were common.

She would also act 100x happier if her friends were around, whereas she would look extremely depressed around just me.

[Schermarhorn]

Something clicked today that may be the reason why I am having a hard time getting over her.

During the relationship and afterward. She would never say anything anything hateful to my face. She would be ridiculously shy. Pretty much all of her raging was over text.

A good example would be one of the times I met her after we broke up. She stated she just wanted to see me and catch up. It was really awkward, she barely said anything, but didn't seem to be mad at all.

Literally 5 minutes after she left I was being insulted over text. Like she turned into a different person. Its like her in person isn't her. A hateful text after seeing each other were common.

She would also act 100x happier if her friends were around, whereas she would look extremely depressed around just me.

[Runnerboy25]

I had this same problem and I understand how it can complicate the detachment process. I worked for several months with me ex and I struggled to associate the person I saw with the person responsible for the terribly abbusive texts and emails.

One thing I've learnt is that (to use q phrase from this site) you cannot detach the Jekyll from the Hyde). A loving relationship includes consistent respect and support, if a partner is abusive in any form, including text, this is not healthy behaviour and if you have decided that the relationship is over its important to remember the abuse cannot be detached from the more loving behaviour.

This is something I learnt here which has really helped me.

[Infern0]

They don't rage in person because they are cowardly.  If she pushed me too far and I had unleashed both barrels I would have utterly destroyed her.

It's safer over text she can just delete the responses if she doesn't like them.

In person she'd be quiet and dissociate if she didn't like what I was saying.

[coldmist]

I had the opposite experience from you guys. My exgf was always civil in her text messages. In person though she would be moody and rage with the silent treatment. Even during the worst of her dysregulating, the texts I got from her during that time had no anger in them whatsoever. She still wouldn't communicate anything about what was going on though.

Her NPD mother who I suspect may also be BPD used the safety of text to maintain control and throw insults at me. She refused to speak to me in person or even over the phone. This was a working relationship as I worked for her company so not only was it cowardly but unprofessional too. Her firing/discarding me over text was a very childish way of dealing with things especially by a 50+ year old woman.

[js friend]

I would often have the rages over text too... .sometimes it would be pages and pages of it bringing up stuff i had completely forgotten about, but suddenly linking it to how bad of character he thought I was.

If I tried calling him immediatly after receiving these texts to try discuss it the calls would go answered.

Then I would get the silent treatment if we were face to face.

In person she'd be quiet and dissociate if she didn't like what I was saying.

The silent treatment is the inner rage and abusive too.

[hurting300]

They don't rage in person because they are cowardly.  If she pushed me too far and I had unleashed both barrels I would have utterly destroyed her.

It's safer over text she can just delete the responses if she doesn't like them.

In person she'd be quiet and dissociate if she didn't like what I was saying.

mine had a good way at making me fly off the handle. Definitely not proud to admit that.

[FannyB]

They don't rage in person because they are cowardly.  If she pushed me too far and I had unleashed both barrels I would have utterly destroyed her.

It's safer over text she can just delete the responses if she doesn't like them.

In person she'd be quiet and dissociate if she didn't like what I was saying.

Could have written this about mine. She only lost it verbally on the phone with me once - never in person. It was when berating me for not booking a holiday. I said 'Nobody's perfect'. And her response? 'Well, you'd better try harder to be'. At that point I threw my phone on the floor, laughed out loud and said ''I'm in an abusive relationship'.  That was the catalyst for me going online and trying to unravel what I was dealing with.


Fanny

[Lifewriter16]

I also thought my BPDxbf was only ever abusive by text. He said it was because he could mistake me for someone else when we communicated by text. He said he mistook me for the punitive parent when we were apart and communicating by text, when we were together, my presence was the reality he needed to overcome the problem. I fell for that one for a long time. However, last time we split up, he was pretty abusive to my face. My theory, is that it gets progressively worse with each successive breakup.

Lifewriter x

[oor_wullie]

She would also act 100x happier if her friends were around, whereas she would look extremely depressed around just me.

that's a clue tho, isn't it? it's ALL an act. not just the two faces that they present to you, but the faces they present to the world. they want everyone to love them, especially their friends, so they act all happy around them. with mine, she used drink to facilitate this. the drunk version of her was, to me, utterly gruesome and revolting. she'd flash her body at people, jump up on tables, laugh louder than anyone else, and try her best to be the centre of attention.

around me, and sober, she'd be the most demure person you could imagine. or, at least, she'd pretend to be.

version. pretend. act. you see? it's ALL an act. all pretence. they aren't real people, just acting out a script. it's easier to act and pretend when you're not faced with a real person, so text works best for some of them (tho not all, and being drunk certainly helps loosen them up for a face-to-face full-on crazy-act).

and when the relationship ends, when they finally leave, or grind you to dust, then she'll make sure everyone can see how miserable you've made her, especially the men. the act will shift to how mean you were, or how badly you behaved towards her. maximising sympathy. and so the cycle continues.