Planning a joint birthday party w/ a pwBPD is an utter nightmare

[repititionqueen]

For over a year my friend w/BPD and I had been planning to have a big special birthday together, however, we had a falling out when I discovered this forum and thought heavily about severing our friendship.

I went on a trip and when i came back I asked her if she still wanted to have the party. She said no and that she would be going on vacation with her boyfriend.

Great! I can go ahead and plan something without her. At the very least I just want to have a fun enjoyable night... .putting aside my real feeling that uh hey wait a minute... .We planned this for a year and it signifies a relationship milestones in our relationship and you DON'T GIVE A FLYING F*** about it!

Oh wait... .you text me after I've already planned MY birthday and say "let's do our birthday together I'm not going away anymore" and then SHIIIIIZAAAA all over my plans and say "I want to go somewhere classy" "I don't want to dance" "Look I don't even want to do this or care about this" "I just know that it's important to you so I'll try to be up"

Umm./... .EXCUSE ME ? I WOULD JUST RATHER YOU NOT COME IF YOU ARE GOING TO ACT LIKE THIS.

Now I'm going to have to do YOU a favour and include you in my birthday while I WALK ON eGGSHELLS all night because your are a crazy entitled Boloney

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[Inquisitive1]

Dealing with BPD people can be difficult. Sorry your plans got dashed.

There's a lot of resentment in your post and while some of it is probably deserved, you need to find a way to let it go and deal with your friend as he/she is.

The quotes of your friend you post seem kind of nice. "Look I don't even want to do this or care about this" "I just know that it's important to you so I'll try to be up" This sounds like someone who is trying to mend things.

Why not take her on her word, explain your plans, and say she's welcome to join if she likes, but maybe she should plan her own separate event if she doesn't like the sound of yours (this is setting a limit). And, she needn't attend if it doesn't sound good (another limit).

If you want to remain connected, suggest doing something else with her, go for coffee, whatever... .

Let go of the anger, I'm pretty sure she didn't dash your special plans on purpose, she's probably just doing the best she can given her limitations.

[Meadowslark]

Now I'm going to have to do YOU a favour and include you in my birthday while I WALK ON eGGSHELLS all night because your are a crazy entitled Boloney

No, you don't.

You don't have to include her in anything. You don't have to change your plans if you don't want to.

If she's going to be difficult, don't include her. Plan your birthday the way YOU want to. Do not try to bend and twist and break your back trying to please someone who isn't please-able. Like Inquisitive said, maybe offer to do something else, like coffee or a movie or something.

After your birthday, maybe consider whether or not you want this person in your life. She does not dictate what you do for your birthday unless you want her to.

[Inquisitive1]

I think I like Meadowslark's response a bit better. I hope mine didn't come off as judgmental. I clearly don't know the situation.

[repititionqueen]

Thank you both for your responses!

Inquisitive1 I know where you are coming from, I don't take it as judgemental. I was letting out some steam and was very angry in the moment. I can't say it to her, so I just needed an outlet to release the tension.

It has been an incredibly difficult friendship and I have thought greatly of ending it. I wish I had before I got into this birthday situation!

Thank you for the support and guidance on giving her some boundaries... let's see what I can do!

[EaglesJuju]

Hi repititionqueen,

I am sorry that you friend is bailing on your plans. It really stinks when you are planning something for a long period of time and someone bails on you. It is really frustrating and I can understand why you would be angry.  

PwBPD tend to be very impulsive. Their plans can change frequently along with their mood/emotions. I know that their capriciousness can be extremely hurtful and confusing. I have had plans change dramatically from my pwBPD. One moment it was going somewhere and doing something and the next minute he did not want to do either.

I  think that she is trying her best to be supportive of your birthday, even though she mentioned that she was not interested in what you originally wanted to do.  

Perhaps you can talk with her and let her know how you feel?