Still devastated after a year...

[cj488]

It's been nearly a year now since I ended it with my undiagnosed BPDgf, and I'm still suffering like it was yesterday. I had to see her at a work project a few weeks ago. She tried to seduce me again, and when I didn't respond she tried to get me fired. It backfired, and she's now out. Anyway, I'm still in such disbelief that something so incredibly beautiful last year, so wonderful that we were both convinced we'd spend our lives together, could crumble so quickly and inexplicably. To this day, she's never given a reason for her sudden disappearance, after having quit her job, given up her life in her country to move in with me. I'm stronger now, after 11 months, but the ache is the same. Detachment leads to freedom. How to detach from the 'dream relationship'?

[willtimeheal]

Hey cj488.

I am about a year out as well. I agree detachment leads to freedom. I have spent the year doing things and traveling. Things that I never would have been "allowed" to do if we were still together. But the ache and heart ache are still there. I miss her. I see how happy she seems on FB with the replacement and it hurts. It hurts to know that she never loved me and the whole relationship wasn't real. It was very real to me. And the pain is very real to me. I understand when you say you are stronger now. I am stronger now then I have ever been but like you my heart still aches. And I wonder how long it will ache for. Hang in there.

[scgator]

It's been nearly a year now since I ended it with my undiagnosed BPDgf, and I'm still suffering like it was yesterday. I had to see her at a work project a few weeks ago. She tried to seduce me again, and when I didn't respond she tried to get me fired. It backfired, and she's now out. Anyway, I'm still in such disbelief that something so incredibly beautiful last year, so wonderful that we were both convinced we'd spend our lives together, could crumble so quickly and inexplicably. To this day, she's never given a reason for her sudden disappearance, after having quit her job, given up her life in her country to move in with me. I'm stronger now, after 11 months, but the ache is the same. Detachment leads to freedom. How to detach from the 'dream relationship'?

Not sure myself, just hanging on as best I can. I'm not that far out (almost 2 months since I've seen my uexgfwBPD and last had a decent conversation just over a week ago.) For me, I have to keep reminding myself that the beautiful relationship I'm missing really didn't exist. That what I saw from the 4th month on, coupled with all the red flags I ignored, is really what the relationship was. It's like in my mind I was navigating this beautiful ocean of love, we made promises and were committed to spending our lives together. Then the wheels fell off and things went down hill in a hurry. Then it was like I was navigating in an unpredictable storm.  I got out, not really by choice but once finally out I've stayed out. I've noticed the longing/missing comes in waves. I'm experiencing one now and reminding myself how badly it felt to be lied to, put down and manipulated - all by the one I pledged I'd never leave. Now I'm gone. I also remind myself that while reaching out now may make me feel better momentarily, in the long run it would be detrimental to both of us. It's not like she's been magically cured, and I'm addressing my own co-dependent traits in therapy so I have some work to do too. Plus, I'm a trigger now so no matter what, if she's not getting help then eventually, no matter what she will be triggered again either by something I do or say, something she thinks I did or said, something she feels I did or said, or some random look.

Glad to hear you're stronger now! I experience days where I feel great and then days where I miss her and the 'dream' relationship. I still cry randomly and still fantasize about her. All things I hope will continue to diminish as I put space and time between us.

Good luck and any insight you may gain, please, share it. We're all going through very similar things here.

[SGraham]

It's been nearly a year now since I ended it with my undiagnosed BPDgf, and I'm still suffering like it was yesterday. I had to see her at a work project a few weeks ago. She tried to seduce me again, and when I didn't respond she tried to get me fired. It backfired, and she's now out. Anyway, I'm still in such disbelief that something so incredibly beautiful last year, so wonderful that we were both convinced we'd spend our lives together, could crumble so quickly and inexplicably. To this day, she's never given a reason for her sudden disappearance, after having quit her job, given up her life in her country to move in with me. I'm stronger now, after 11 months, but the ache is the same. Detachment leads to freedom. How to detach from the 'dream relationship'?

Its tough bud i know that feel. It sucks because to us it was so magical (while things were good) and to them it didn't mean jack sht, or at least that's how it feels. Hang in there man were all there with you.

[joeramabeme]

CJ, I feel the same way, how could it have ended so quickly.  We went from talking children/homes to I want a divorce.  I don't think there is anyway to understand it, although I am obsessesed with unravelling the pieces.  Best I can understand it is that she had slowly cataloged a number of fears about me and one day they reached a critical mass and the damn broke.  She literally said after our last marital argument "that was the straw that broke the camels back".  Not exactly sure what the camel was carrying but I do know there was a tremendous amount of mistrust.  Some of it understandable but never could it be addressed b/c the primary source wasn't coming from me.

I think that is just what makes it all so elusive to understand, we are not the source of the primary issue.  Hence when we receive their "final outcome", we are completely miffed about how and why.  I think it feels intuitively right for them, on an emotional level.  But if you ask for a logical explanation there will be a whole lot of confused thought processes that do not really make sense.  

I tried to unwind some of my wifes thinking about various matters of mistrust.  When we could discuss them long enough, I could logically show her gaps in thinking-to-feeling process.  She could agree with me at times.  But that gap never really closes and the next "event" is sure to follow.

This is where all of this has nothing to do with us and our trying to figure it out can be harmful in keeping us stuck.

I have seen comments about the r/s was never really real.  I disagree.  They are real, but the fears and disconnects are just as real and, for the BP, just as accurate as reality.  

1 month out here, and yes, still trying to figure it out.  This is what I have come up with so far... .

[FannyB]

8 months out and doing ok. My ex loved me as best she could for as long as she could before a primitive survival instinct kicked in and she aborted the relationship to save herself from being emotionally overwhelmed.

Does it make sense to me? Hell no! But I accept it for what it is and move forward.  We all will in time - there's no timeframe for processing this sh1t. We all heal at different rates.

Stay strong and believe.


Fanny

[Invictus01]

These relationships, especially when they end out of nowhere, are just one big giant mind... .I am about 10 months out myself, and while obviously much better than I was on day one, still trying to work through thinking back and going "damn, how all this is possible, how could it go from that to this?" I mean, don't get me wrong, I have read a ton on PDs and all that, and all of it makes sense. Just doesn't make it much easier to reconcile in your head and in your heart.

Hang in there dude. Don't really have too much of a choice but to work through this... .

[Herodias]

9 months out... .My 7 year anniversary would have been this month. 8 years together in all. I am having hard time today because he text me to let me know my alimony money was in the account for me.Then said hope you have a nice day-  Then I decided I cannot look at all the evilness on Facebook anymore, so I closed out my private "spying" account- yes I admit it, but it was really helpful for finding out the truth about allot of things. I just don't want to know any more. At least the love-bombing had slowed and the gf got a $185 speeding ticket, so I can say Ha- karma! I am done now. I went to shop in one of the stores he used to manage and saw the woman he was sexting with some years ago and then I lost it... .the fact that I can picture some woman crotch (I saw the picture) when shopping- This is not normal. I decided I cannot shop in these stores any more. All of the cheating and disgusting behavior that goes on there... .makes me sick. I just wanted to cry... .how could it start so good and end so awful. I feel the same way. I don't think I will trust anyone to date for a long time. Just having a bad day : (

[cj488]

Thanks everyone for your replies and support. Can scarcely believe these feelings are still hanging on. At the least I understand now what attracted her to me, and me to her, and the unhealthy aspects of this. Am also recollecting and reintegrating my anima to a much higher degree, but seeing her again a few weeks ago, sent it back out again on to an almost perfect canvas for anima projection. She could not have been a more perfect match in every way for me, as if ordered from the heavens - except for the BPD. Haha, a cosmic joke. I still wonder what might have been had I been better informed about BPD when I met her. I'd certainly have done and said things differently. Perhaps it's good that we split early, as after marriage, children and mortgage would have been exponentially painful. Strangely, I do feel very alive in this pain, but the high of that relationship makes normal relationships seem rather tame.

[Invictus01]

She could not have been a more perfect match in every way for me, as if ordered from the heavens - except for the BPD.

BPD was what made her perfect for you. It made her morph into somebody you perceived to be perfect but in the end, it all was a mirage... .or, scientifically speaking, a mindf@@k

[cj488]

Yes, perhaps the emotional component was only the BPD, but in terms of her work, interests, style, and appearance, we were actually a perfect match - even she admitted that I was also for her. Our work is rare, and I've never met anyone like her in decades of looking, so it's unlikely I'll find a match like this again for a very long time. She is, of course, unwell and has no sense of object constancy. So when we were "madly in love" it was real, but for a borderline it just can rarely or never transform into the deep, rich, stable love that normal relationships aspire to, after the honeymoon madly, madly period.

[rotiroti]

Hey cj488,

I'm sorry that your update is that of a frustrated one, but I see lots of insight in your post:

but for a borderline it just can rarely or never transform into the deep, rich, stable love that normal relationships aspire to,

You said this ex had loads of compatible traits and that the honeymoon phase was perfect. It's easy to feel like that the intensity is intimacy. Wouldn't you agree that that sort of intensity is not sustainable? Even if a non-BPD partner?

What does an ideal r/s look like to you? I noticed you said you liked everything but the emotional part, but I hear you saying that emotional well being is an important trait you look for in partners, yes?

[cj488]

Yes, roti, you may be right. That intensity is not equivalent to intimacy. Very good point. The first month together was so joyous that I can't quite compare it to a long-term emotional relationship, as it dipped quickly into borderline madness. I believed her words, "I want to be your partner, your love, your muse, your everything" because she believed it, and I certainly wanted to. But there is no constancy. Such a sad, sad disorder for everyone.

You said this ex had loads of compatible traits and that the honeymoon phase was perfect. It's easy to feel like that the intensity is intimacy. Wouldn't you agree that that sort of intensity is not sustainable? Even if a non-BPD partner?

[jjduo]

Yeah, best match ever here as well. 6 months out and I think about her constantly. It's driving me crazy! How long will it be before I can even spend several hours in a day without thinking about her? Unfortunately I have to see her once a week. It upsets me every time. It would be much better if I didn't have to see her. She's doing the silent treatment. Pretends I don't exist which is very painful. Very clear in my mind that there's no going back. I am strong on that issue. There's no way I'm going to engage again with her. Only trouble is we had such a great friendship before we started the romance. Over 10 years. Didn't even know what BPD was until we started our romance. I wish I could go back to the old days when we were just friends. Great thread... .jjduo

[saintgrey]

Yeah, best match ever here as well. 6 months out and I think about her constantly. It's driving me crazy! How long will it be before I can even spend several hours in a day without thinking about her? Unfortunately I have to see her once a week. It upsets me every time. It would be much better if I didn't have to see her. She's doing the silent treatment. Pretends I don't exist which is very painful. Very clear in my mind that there's no going back. I am strong on that issue. There's no way I'm going to engage again with her. Only trouble is we had such a great friendship before we started the romance. Over 10 years. Didn't even know what BPD was until we started our romance. I wish I could go back to the old days when we were just friends. Great thread... .jjduo

I can relate with the aspect of loosing a friendship, my ex was a very close friend and we shared a lot of secrets but now i have to turn the page and start writing the next chapter... .Не верь, не бойся, не проси

[cj488]

I hear you. I've read and read everything I can find about BPD, but I still feel like this one hasn't truly ended. Dated a high-functioning borderline many years back; we broke up for a year exactly, and it felt just like this - unfinished. When we met again a year later, we immediately fell back together for 5 years. Only reason we didn't marry was a lack of common interests and lifestyle. This last one was truly best match I've met in my life in every way, except the BPD. I'm not likely to meet another woman like this anytime soon. I'm just at a loss at this cruel universe.  :'( Well, I'm programming into my future, a better relationship, a healthy relationship with a non-BPD. It must exist somewhere.

[joeramabeme]

This last one was truly best match I've met in my life in every way, except the BPD. I'm not likely to meet another woman like this anytime soon. I'm just at a loss at this cruel universe.  :'( Well, I'm programming into my future, a better relationship, a healthy relationship with a non-BPD. It must exist somewhere.

I am in this same boat, best ever match and formerly best friend.  I kind of wonder now if she ever shared that feeling with me, I have a gut sense she did not based on a comment she made a few years ago in MC; "This marriage sucks".  LOL!  Then she asked for a $10k carat, which of course I gave to her.  DUH!

That last comment you made "It must exist somewhere" caught my attention.  Healthy r/s's exist everywhere, the issue is not if they exist, rather, why don't I choose one.  I was and still am wired for the BPD style.  Grew up in a home where I was a caretaker.  There was nothing too outrageous that I couldn't overcome, deny or otherwise smooth over.  Only natural for me to have made this selection, without even being aware that I was doing it.  Now that I know, I have to unlearn a few things (maybe quite a few) and try again. 

[Herodias]

I feel like we need to remember that the reason they were "the best match ever" is because they were just mirroring us! We fell in love with ourselves! We need to see what we loved in the BPD was a reflection of ourselves, so we must be great people... .no one can be a "perfect" match... .we are all different. I think we need to find partners with similar morals in life first... .then common lifestyles, then common interests. I don't mind my partner going off to do things without me and I do things alone too. My ex thought we were supposed to have everything on common and that's just not the case. I have learned having morals and bounderies is number one for me now... .Put it this way, My stbx husband was a totally different person with me than he was with his ex and now is totally different with the new person... .when it comes to lifestyle. When it comes to morals... .that's different in each case. He has no personality of his own. Don't morn for the person you thought was your perfect match- maybe the companionship/friendship, but there just has to be a better life partner than someone who abuses us- I sure hope so... .

[frank1971]

I"m on the same boat. I hear you. I see her once a while where we work. Shame is my main problem. How could I fall so perfectly in love with myself ? That does make me feel inadequate an inexperienced. I keep beating myself for that. The worst part is that it lasted only 3 months, and after 9 months of me waking away I feel like I'm at square one did not go to work today because I did not want to see her. It is affecting me a lot. Did not date anyone ever since did not even had sex with a woman in all this time. Don't know how to fix myself. Therapist says it it normal but normal does not mean fun.

[joeramabeme]

Therapist says it it normal but normal does not mean fun.

Frankly, that is funny.  Normal can be, but does not have to be, fun! 

Your reply made me think too that there is an element of addictive unpredictability / excitement from these r/s's that can dull our senses to ordinary pleasure. 

I went for a long bike ride today.  It was great; beautiful day, birds chirping etc.  Fun, but not overly exciting.  I can confuse fun and excitement.  They can coexist but also be independent of one another.

[Devaluedman]

It's a been a year for me--although she kept me on a string for most of that, so I can't say that I was completely out of the relationship.  Yes, it ended a year ago--but we still saw each other and communicated during the intervening time. I am lost. I posted here in June, and then stopped.  

I am now trying to go NC for good--to wipe away any remnant of her memory.  She told me in her last email I shouldn't hang onto resentments, but that only makes me even more bitter. She's trying to take the high road I guess.  No bad feelings, eh?  That's life.  There is so much pain.  

I don't think there are ANY answers.  How can there be?  She devalued me after a month of marriage, and never looked back.  How does anyone explain that kind of behavior?  We had one fight--which I felt was insignificant. I've given up trying to find answers.  All I know is I never want to see or hear from her again.  I want to wipe her out of my consciousness.  

[joeramabeme]

I've given up trying to find answers.  All I know is I never want to see or hear from her again.  I want to wipe her out of my consciousness.  

DevaluedMan, I can feel the pain in your post.  Just wanted to encourage you by saying wiping her clean from your memory will likely not be possible if you are to stay healthy.  I think the idea is to try and understand that she is mentally ill and it is the illness that makes us angry. 

It is no different than someone who contracts a debilitating illness that keeps them from being fully functional.  The exception with BPD is that there is an ILLUSION that they are just like us and fully functional, but they are not and most likely never will be.  Hope that makes sense. 

I empathize with your pain and only recently started to make significant progress by accepting that she is ill.  This won't change my mind about how I feel about her healthy side but will help me integrate that she also has an unhealthy side that is not in her control, even if she gives the appearance that it is.

[willtimeheal]

My one year out anniversary was today. It was a tough one. It  hard to believe I miss someone who treated me so poorly. The hardest part for me is seeing her so "happy."  I see her with my replacement and she seems so happy... .it makes me want to vomit. That sets me back. I start to doubt myself and wonder ... .was it me?  Was I the one with the issues?  :)oes she really have BPD?  Then it starts me in a downward spiral. I just want her world to crash. I want her to feel as much hurt as she caused me.  I want that to happen or I want to get to a place where I don't even think about her anymore. When does this finally happen?  

[Herodias]

"My one year out anniversary was today. It was a tough one. It  hard to believe I miss someone who treated me so poorly. The hardest part for me is seeing her so "happy."  I see her with my replacement and she seems so happy... .it makes me want to vomit. That sets me back. I start to doubt myself and wonder ... .was it me?  Was I the one with the issues?  Does she really have BPD?  Then it starts me in a downward spiral. I just want her world to crash. I want her to feel as much hurt as she caused me.  I want that to happen or I want to get to a place where I don't even think about her anymore. When does this finally happen?"

Willtimeheal, I feel exactly the same as you do... .My actual wedding anniversary is on the 19th of this month. I wonder if he will even remember or care. I know he and his gf are pretending to be happy and everything I see here says the red flag signs usually start 6 months in. I keep being told it's best not to get into a r/s too fast and frankly, I can't even imagine it! So, you would think between the rebounding and the BPD situations, they would just explode at some point. I believe our only issue was getting with them and not seeing the signs in the first place. I thought maybe I was too controlling, but heck, everyone told me I had a man/child to take care of! I keep praying that this will all dissolve in my head and I won't care anymore. I was told the more we cry and get it out, the better off we will be. We are normal caring compassionate people that were used and abused. It is traumatic, but we have to keep trying to get focused on ourselves and stop the madness in our heads. It's really really hard. I think about it all the time. I have been out for 9 months, but he kept coming around, keeping me connected. I tell myself that the divorce in Jan. will solve it, but I don't think so. This was a person I thought really loved me. How will I believe anyone again. I do know I will not fall for a fantasy again.

[saintgrey]

"My one year out anniversary was today. It was a tough one. It  hard to believe I miss someone who treated me so poorly. The hardest part for me is seeing her so "happy."  I see her with my replacement and she seems so happy... .it makes me want to vomit. That sets me back. I start to doubt myself and wonder ... .was it me?  Was I the one with the issues?  Does she really have BPD?  Then it starts me in a downward spiral. I just want her world to crash. I want her to feel as much hurt as she caused me.  I want that to happen or I want to get to a place where I don't even think about her anymore. When does this finally happen?"

Willtimeheal, I feel exactly the same as you do... .My actual wedding anniversary is on the 19th of this month. I wonder if he will even remember or care. I know he and his gf are pretending to be happy and everything I see here says the red flag signs usually start 6 months in. I keep being told it's best not to get into a r/s too fast and frankly, I can't even imagine it! So, you would think between the rebounding and the BPD situations, they would just explode at some point. I believe our only issue was getting with them and not seeing the signs in the first place. I thought maybe I was too controlling, but heck, everyone told me I had a man/child to take care of! I keep praying that this will all dissolve in my head and I won't care anymore. I was told the more we cry and get it out, the better off we will be. We are normal caring compassionate people that were used and abused. It is traumatic, but we have to keep trying to get focused on ourselves and stop the madness in our heads. It's really really hard. I think about it all the time. I have been out for 9 months, but he kept coming around, keeping me connected. I tell myself that the divorce in Jan. will solve it, but I don't think so. This was a person I thought really loved me. How will I believe anyone again. I do know I will not fall for a fantasy again.

I started writing a journal since day 1 with how we meet, friendship and how it progressed to a r/s ,how i started to let my guard down etc.

It can be painful because you will start to remember the happy times too, the plans you had for the future and how you though that you found your life partner but you will also write about the bad things we ignored... i started to think that maybe if i knew more about this disorder i could have act differently but i don't have a reason to believe she was doing any effort to change (i have proof on her notes that she knew something was wrong but of course she can't face that) and why should i put any effort to change the way i live my life because of her demands ?

I was almost 6 years involved, i consider myself lucky now because I'm still very young and more aware about how healthy relationships evolve.

Was in a lot of pain at first and i still do but my love for her have started to fade away since she pretty much hates me, there is zero contact and i don't expect it in the future since this r/s ended the same way of her old LTR and that guy after all this years is still black for her but we don't know the full story maybe he was the one that ran away.

Big hug to you 

[2357]

My relationship with a BPD ended in April. I have never hurt this much as I didn't think he suffers BPD until recently so I tried to support him and be understanding. He blamed depression and his son's mother for being like what he was to me. But it turned out he hasn't split up(or actually they did a lot of times) with his ex-girlfriend for two years while we were together. I think they are both BPD as they both call relationship when they saw each other once in a month-two month or even rarer. I was incredible shocked when I found out his life and who he was. He is the best manipulator, liar I have ever met in my entire life. He came back to me saying he was about to split with her. Then he said he did... .and he has never done it. He came over to my flat crying how sorry he felt and then he went to see her next day... .finally to stop him I had to block him and her(as she kept contacting as well) from my life.

The reason why I feel still furious because this man was supported by his friends. None of "said to be best friends" told him to go and see a therapist as it is abnormal to do this with the "loved one".

I feel totally knocked out, two years of my life have been wiped out! I feel anger and shame towards myself that I didn't see the reality, who he is... .

Many times I feel contacting his parents to tell them what their son is like but then I realize they are the reason why he is like this... .how could they help him... .

I hate lies! I hate lies I know he told about me and I cannot do anything against them! I feel totally hammered.

[cj488]

Some good news: I may have passed my tests! I was recently chased by a gorgeous woman, who immediately started showing the early signs of BPD. "I'm fantasizing about a relationship with you," said she. Then she gets into the shower with me at a massage therapy place! Then she flits away "to meditate." There's more, all typical of BPD. Met again at a party. Recognized the signs. I did it!

Also, my ex that I'm still so broken up over, tried to recycle me recently at a work function. I did not respond! I feel I'm actually getting better! There is life after being a Bpd addict!

[myself]

That does sound like a relief, cj488. Congratulations and keep it up.

There'll be other tests. Remain aware. You get it and will do well.

Our boundaries and openness are for ourselves, and then we share.

[rotiroti]

That's a great update cj468! Don't worry, during any sort of recovery taking a step back to take 2 steps forward at a later time is completely normal!