Leaving a 10 year marriage

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I left last night. I got everything of mine and my son's that I could throw in bags. He won't leave so I had to.

I cut off contact. I can't do this anymore. I need a place to stay and have so much to fiqure out but I know that leaving is the first step. I need someone to talk to.

[everprincess]

I left last night. I got everything of mine and my son's that I could throw in bags. He won't leave so I had to.

I cut off contact. I can't do this anymore. I need a place to stay and have so much to fiqure out but I know that leaving is the first step. I need someone to talk to.

[LonelyChild]

I left last night. I got everything of mine and my son's that I could throw in bags. He won't leave so I had to.

I cut off contact. I can't do this anymore. I need a place to stay and have so much to fiqure out but I know that leaving is the first step. I need someone to talk to.

You made the right decision. Remember that when the emotions come bubbling up. It will be hard, but he will never change despite promises. He can't. He needs help, but not from you. How old is your son?

[everprincess]

He is nine years old. NC for a week then today the emails started again. I've found out that he was painting me black before I left. I'm not surprised though. He will do anything to make himself look better to the outside world. Me I know the truth and it is UGLY. Now he is crying that he is going to have the cable disconnected because he can't afford it. He will say/do anything for me to come home including using our son to rely messages to me after he has spoke with his father on the phone (I wouldn't deny him speaking with his father since he does love him but doesn't fully understand that his father is really mentally sick).

[HappyNihilist]

  Hi there, everprincess. Welcome to our Leaving family.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.   Making the decision to leave a marriage is hard enough on its own. When it's a marriage to a disordered spouse, you have a whole different layer of complexity.

You did what you feel is best for you and your son.  Take comfort and strength in that, and trust your instincts.

This post discusses the three stages of detaching from a relationship with a pwBPD, and gives some wise advice on how to take care of ourselves (and our children) during the end of a relationship - Exiting a BPD relationship

It hurts when you're painted black, and have manipulative tactics used on you. He shouldn't involve your 9-year-old son in this - that's terrible, and says a lot about his emotional immaturity. But it says a lot about your maturity, your love and understanding for your son, that you don't deny him speaking to your husband - you know that he loves his father and can't comprehend the entirety of the situation.

You may want to check out the Family law, divorce, and custody boards, as well. There are many people there who understand the complexities of divorce and co-parenting with a BPD ex-spouse, and who can offer you support and advice in this aspect of your journey.

It sounds like he is attempting to appeal to your compassion by crying that he needs money? Is this a common pattern from your relationship?

Hang in there, and keep posting. It helps so much to talk.

[everprincess]

 Hi there, everprincess. Welcome to our Leaving family.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.   Making the decision to leave a marriage is hard enough on its own. When it's a marriage to a disordered spouse, you have a whole different layer of complexity.

You did what you feel is best for you and your son.  Take comfort and strength in that, and trust your instincts.

This post discusses the three stages of detaching from a relationship with a pwBPD, and gives some wise advice on how to take care of ourselves (and our children) during the end of a relationship - Exiting a BPD relationship

It hurts when you're painted black, and have manipulative tactics used on you. He shouldn't involve your 9-year-old son in this - that's terrible, and says a lot about his emotional immaturity. But it says a lot about your maturity, your love and understanding for your son, that you don't deny him speaking to your husband - you know that he loves his father and can't comprehend the entirety of the situation.

You may want to check out the Family law, divorce, and custody boards, as well. There are many people there who understand the complexities of divorce and co-parenting with a BPD ex-spouse, and who can offer you support and advice in this aspect of your journey.

It sounds like he is attempting to appeal to your compassion by crying that he needs money? Is this a common pattern from your relationship?

Hang in there, and keep posting. It helps so much to talk.

He will do anything to keep me in the relationship. The thing is that once you have been with a BPD person for a long period of time the more you understand what they are doing. You can interpret emails, texts and know the twists and turns of what they are saying. I'm not stupid. I've done all the research for countless hours on end. Whatever he does now can't hurt me more than what I've already been through. Cut off the cable because if and when I get back to my house I can pay the bill and have it reconnected. I went through a bad ordeal last year without my home for months because of a flood and I lived through it. Part of me believes I went through that to make me stronger as a person. The most important thing to me is to protect our son from his emotion abuse he has put us through.

I know as more time goes by the more desperate he will become. But I'm ready for it. I will not be afraid anymore. If you take away the fear from the abuser they lose control and you regain it. He choose his anger over his family not me.

[everprincess]

Well so much for that last post. I went to give our son his meds and he took him out of school because I can't stop him. So of course I had to call him (so much for no-contact). I had to hear a 30 minute promise lecture about how he is going to get better. If he was going to get better he would have called me to tell me that he was taking our son of school. But again he doesn't care about my feelings.