Is best to not know ? i think so

[saintgrey]

I just found out that my ex was probably involved with my replacement during the 2 weeks we "reconnected" after our final breakup, its amazing how someone can tell you i love you and those sweet words, make love to you, have sex, take your money, ask for help etc

I found that this guy posted a photo of her on july 29 that with a comment "That's my beatifull girl ... ." and that same day "I can't get you out of my head... .I'm a lucky men... ." the clothes i bought for her recently and she send pictures to that guy... .

We talked that day very same day like nothing   :'( and the next day was the last time we spoke and she gave me the silent treatment.

I though i was doing ok, after this i feel like crap  :'( so used, i truly meant nothing after all this years I'm crying while i type this... .

I hope that she really move to USA with this guy so i don't have to ever see her again, its disgusting how i feel.

My gut feeling was not lying, who knows if this started as soon as she got started in that job, i remember she spoke about this guy and that he wanted to hangout... .

I have this feeling in my stomach like the day i found out that she was really gone, today i sent her a final msg to ask her to throw away my belongings and a letter for her to read in the future and now i regret it because she doesn't deserve that letter, she doesn't deserve to know whats wrong her; i hope she live her life miserable like it always was before me.

Thanks to whoever read this.

[LostGhost]

Awful, so awful. I'm sorry you had to find this out my friend and to find out this way. You did nothing to deserve that. I suspect the exact same thing is going on in my situation. We were talking fine, hanging out, reconnecting... .and then in a matter of hours she turns cold as ice like I didn't even exist and I mean literally. I'd say something to her or ask a question and she'd pretend like I wasn't there. Then someone else would say something and she'd engage with them no problem, laughing and smiling. So cruel.

My gut feeling tells me I was replaced a week or more before that. I think literally the same day we took a "break", she started putting out feelers, baiting the hooks. And then when she found what she wanted, she turned on me with a vengeance. So cold and hurtful.

You and I are in so much pain. It hurts my friend. To give them all our time, energy, love, devotion, money. And they just use us and then leave us for dead to run off with somebody else.

I keep dreaming of her, wanting her back. Why? I should just run and keep running forever and let her see what I make of my life. But a huge part of me is stuck wanting to reach the pinnacle of my life and find success so that she will notice and come back to me. What a mess.

[Darsha500]

I too had to learn of details that I much rather would have remained ignorant of. When my ex broke up with me the second time before our final recycle, she wanted to do so in person, but me, instinctively knowing what she had planned, refused to drive out to see her for fear of crashing my car (I crashed my car after our second brake up in my grief).

Consequently, she broke up with me over text. I said okay and blocked her. She then got back in touch with me a week later with the classic "I miss you email." My gut told me: "NO! Stay away!" But I rationalized this feeling away, telling myself that she must be regretful about the break up, she wants me back and is will be willing to change and get help.

Not quite. Instead she confessed to me that she had cheated on me, not sparing me the details. I was utterly repulsed. I thought, why would you call me out here to tell me this AFTER we had already broken up. What? Just to twist the knife? She claimed that it was to keep me from "pineing" for her. Jesus Christ. I much rather would have been left pineing for her than knowing the truth. She didn't see it that way, needless to say.

The wounds inflicted upon us are deep. We must trust that they will heal in time. I'm 5 weeks out myself and have been getting better. I've come to accept that the grieving process, however, is entirely unpredictable. It's now simply a matter of riding out the waves of grief.

[gameover]

Hey Saint,

If it makes you feel any better, this is all part of the script.  Most of us here have been through it.  My BPDexgf went super clinger mode via text in the hours before she slept with my replacement (we had been intimate two days earlier)--I really thought we were gonna work things out before I got iced and found out via Instagram.  

I think that's it's harder when your BPDexgf was high-functioning and your relationship was pretty solid overall.  I know for me it was.  In a way, it's sort of the ultimate devaluation and the completion of our fall from the pedestal.  But Saint, for your sake don't take it personal; you were just a part of the script.  And I don't think the ending really reflects back on anything at the beginning--it's just part of the progression.  

But what that whole situation did for me was to really allow me to snap out of it.  Up until then, I thought I was beating the disorder    As soon as my ex slept with someone else I knew that was it for me and really let me close the door on any possibility of a romantic future.

[saintgrey]

It kills me because i though i was doing so good... .now i can't even describe how i feel, how can someone be this cold with someone that offered so much love to you.

Its disgusting to think that every time she never txt me or called me at night when arrived from work was because she was with this guy, i think about the times she told that she was going to sleep early was because she was with him at the time   :'(

I feel so hurt knowing all this... .i meet her when i was 19, i like to think i was her closest friend at the time for 2 years before whe became romantically involved, nobody wanted anything to do with her other than sex, she was a mess; i practically took care of her all this time and gave her everything she have; i turned 26 not long ago, she is turning 33 tomorrow... .i guess you can say she was my first love ! and this is how it all ended.

I was so strong before, very confident, respected by everyone and now I'm like a shadow of who i was, i can't shake the feeling that people are laughing at me thinking to themselves "i told you so", this is so cruel i would never do something like this.

How can i ever trust again ? i mean seriously how the hell can you trust after this experience, I'm so broken  :'(

[theoneone]

Sorry you are struggling, it sounds like you're hurting pretty badly. It is, at least for me, a bit easier to process knowing that this type of behavior is typical for BPD. It doesn't make it less painful... .but it does help my mind "understand" and accept it more easily.

The last time I hung out with my ex after we broke up for 9 days, I thought we were finally going to iron out the wrinkles and move forward in a positive direction. We danced, we drank, we laughed, we shared. It was all a lot of fun. But... .nope. She then tells me she found a sex buddy while we were apart and went on to share some specific and explicit details about why the sex with him was so good. He's also 20 years older than her. Then she told me she wasn't going to go up and see him that day because she could tell it would hurt me (she was planning on paying him a visit right after I were to leave). Yeah well she lied about that too and went up there and saw him anyways. It was all like a knife in the heart. The really sick part is I met the guy only a few days BEFORE we had taken that 9 day break. So I know she was already working on him and had him lined up as a replacement while we were still together.

This is all not very normal relationship stuff. We have to allow ourselves extra time to heal from the mind boggling actions of our ex's.

[gameover]

Know it's gotta be rough.  I was only with my ex 1/3 of that time.

i can't shake the feeling that people are laughing at me thinking to themselves "i told you so", this is so cruel i would never do something like this.

You want to know the truth? No one's laughing at you.  Chances are your ex has been careful to keep up her image.  I mean I get it--we're conditioned to believe that being cucked or whatever is an indictment on us as men.  It's not.  She doesn't get to decide your value.  

How can i ever trust again ? i mean seriously how the hell can you trust after this experience, I'm so broken

You have to learn how to trust yourself--trust that you've learned from this experience and that no matter what anyone else does to you you trust yourself enough to make the right decisions.  Once you get to that point you can trust anybody, really, because you know at the end of the day you're strong enough to walk.  All the best.

[saintgrey]

She replied to final msg were i told her i sent her a letter and to read it in the future or when she's feeling depressed etc and telling her to throw away my belongings and to not keep it (delicate stuff) and that i wouldn't bother her again with it and goodbye.

Her reply ? "F off. don't write me no more."

I mean i can understand mental illness but this most be the worst pd of all, i mean the very same phone she used to reply to me, her laptop, clothes, under wear etc even the damn pillows she took to this guy house were from me and thats the best respond she can give ? hell i feel a bit better now 

[saintgrey]

Thank you so much guys for your words, i know now how capable this people are and how they just use us and can discard us like this.

I will try to focus on my work and spend time with close friends and pray i don't have to ever see this parasite ever again in my life.

[theoneone]

She replied to final msg were i told her i sent her a letter and to read it in the future or when she's feeling depressed etc and telling her to throw away my belongings and to not keep it (delicate stuff) and that i wouldn't bother her again with it and goodbye.

Her reply ? "F off. don't write me no more."

I mean i can understand mental illness but this most be the worst pd of all, i mean the very same phone she used to reply to me, her laptop, clothes, under wear etc even the damn pillows she took to this guy house were from me and thats the best respond she can give ? hell i feel a bit better now 

I feel you. After almost a month solid of no contact, my ex one night decided to send me a text telling me she hated me and for me to F off and that I was dead to her. What a sweetheart!

In a weird way it actually made me feel better too. Because when someone treats you poorly, it is possible to use that as motivation to move on. Because deep down you know you don't deserve to be treated this way.

[LostGhost]

I should probably just assume what my ex has been doing these last 8 days of no contact.  7 months of no sex with me for one excuse or another... .and now?

Wow... .

This is some painful stuff to read. All of your stories... .when will I wake up. I didn't want my life to be like this. I've been burned by a non BPD ex wife bad after 13 years together, almost took my life from that. Then I was "rescued" by a pwBPD and left for dead twice now. I'm living in some alternate dimension. I would have liked to have a family by now and someone who loves me, why is that so much to ask?

This world can be a cold, cruel place for no reason. I can feel my health failing as time goes on but after a never ending series of disappointments... .I don't have much fight left in me. I thought this breakup would be easier... .but it's not, it's not at all.

[blissful_camper]

She replied to final msg were i told her i sent her a letter and to read it in the future or when she's feeling depressed etc and telling her to throw away my belongings and to not keep it (delicate stuff) and that i wouldn't bother her again with it and goodbye.

Her reply ? "F off. don't write me no more."

I mean i can understand mental illness but this most be the worst pd of all, i mean the very same phone she used to reply to me, her laptop, clothes, under wear etc even the damn pillows she took to this guy house were from me and thats the best respond she can give ? hell i feel a bit better now 

Yep, I hear ya.  It's seems pretty feral, doesn't it?  It's the disorder.  Discovery, knowing, and unpleasant dialog (as hurtful as it was for me) is what kept me moving forward. I'm two years out and I'm here to say that you have a brighter future to look forward to. Good for you for turning the page... .

[oor_wullie]

i too feel your pain, and you have my every sympathy.

if it's any consolation, it gets easier to read those BPD relationship-ending signs once you've been through them a couple of times. they start to look less like something that's being done specifically to you, but instead it looks like a script (as others have called it here) that they're playing out. over and over.

it's not personal. it's a script. they do it themselves, in the same way, over and over. and of course every other BPD does something very similar to that too. and over and over.

it's not personal. it's not you. it's them. normally that's not good advice, because normally, in a normal relationship, there are reasons why things stop working - faults on both sides, and lessons to be learned. what's awful about being with a BPD is that, really, the only lesson you can learn is "don't be with a BPD".

no, actually, the lesson is "don't fall in love with a BPD". clearly some people will use BPDs for sex, and not give a sh*t when they leave. but if you get emotionally involved, which is exactly what they want, then you're lost.

the answer to any question you have about why a BPD acts the way they do, or does the things to you that they do, is equally simple. it's because they're a BPD. they're on rails. there's only one way this is going to play out, and you could be god, jesus, and all the saints rolled into one, and she'd still cheat on you and dump you.

nothing you do, nothing you say, nothing you buy for her, will do anything other than delay the inevitable.

personally, i did as you did. i POURED love into our relationship, into HER. and still she drifted away from me. in the end, there were a lot of early nights she didn't want to hang out. times when she'd lost her phone, or it had run out of charge, or she'd just not checked it - times i was trying to get in touch with her and couldn't. a whole two weeks where she was suddenly ill, or feeling a bit sad, or meeting a friend for lunch, or too busy, or just forgot, or any, any excuse not to see me. and when i called her on it, she went totally on the defensive, denying that she'd been avoiding me when i literally hadn't seen her for days (even though we lived 10 minutes from each other, and worked 10 minutes from each other).

maybe she'd found someone new to fixate on, to idealise. it's not love that they feel. it's a compulsion to be loved and to be protected, followed by a revulsion at their own compulsion to be with us - they start to feel like they're in prison. so they find someone else and the cycle starts again. it never occurs to them that they're the problem.

or maybe she just needed to "escape" from the prison of being with me, and being showered with love all the time. she had an exhusband she could always go back to, her boss fancies her, any number of other men, or boyfriends of her friends, who fancied her. it won't have been hard for her to find someone if they weren't immediately available.

normal people don't think that way though. remember that - normal people don't do that kind of thing.

how long do you keep giving them the benefit of the doubt? the answer is, "how strong is your love?" the more love you feel, the more you forgive, and wait, and hope. and the more it hurts.

it will get easier. remember this - NO ONE can have a relationship with this person. no one. not you, not anyone. she's on rails. there's only one way it will ever end. you have to start forgetting her. guard your thoughts. push her away if she creeps into your thoughts. and block her every way you can. no contact. none.

take care.

[Lifewriter16]

Oh dear, this sounds rather like me when I delve into the dark recesses of my mind:

maybe she'd found someone new to fixate on, to idealise. it's not love that they feel. it's a compulsion to be loved and to be protected, followed by a revulsion at their own compulsion to be with us - they start to feel like they're in prison. so they find someone else and the cycle starts again. it never occurs to them that they're the problem.

Lifewriter