He is back to wanting a divorce, and trying to kick me out.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, so much for DBT and upholding my end of the bargain we made when we reconciled. He's back to saying he wants a divorce, but now he's also saying that I have a mental disorder, and that everything is my fault. Everything.

He told me to leave, and go to my parents. Then later he said I could come home, and we'd talk, but I'm now home, and he has made no attempt to talk to me. I think he means it this time, just like last time. He gets in this low, dark place, and he's done. I think we only reconciled last time because his new flame scorned him, and I basically agreed to do whatever he wanted, because I realized he wouldn't change. He then got in DBT, and things got a LOT better. For about three or four months.

Now this. He also stated that he only got put in DBT because I mentioned it to his psychiatrist which is totally NOT TRUE. Not even sort of true.

How best to handle this? I'm scared, but I'm also tired of walking on eggshells and caving in to his demands. I think he's been so dysregulated because he misses his daughters, and because I'm having boundaries now(few, but at least it's better than none).

I'm trying to stay centered, but it's hard. Please lay out a course of action to deal with this tonight, in case he does attempt to talk, as he'd promised.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, so much for DBT and upholding my end of the bargain we made when we reconciled. He's back to saying he wants a divorce, but now he's also saying that I have a mental disorder, and that everything is my fault. Everything.

He told me to leave, and go to my parents. Then later he said I could come home, and we'd talk, but I'm now home, and he has made no attempt to talk to me. I think he means it this time, just like last time. He gets in this low, dark place, and he's done. I think we only reconciled last time because his new flame scorned him, and I basically agreed to do whatever he wanted, because I realized he wouldn't change. He then got in DBT, and things got a LOT better. For about three or four months.

Now this. He also stated that he only got put in DBT because I mentioned it to his psychiatrist which is totally NOT TRUE. Not even sort of true.

How best to handle this? I'm scared, but I'm also tired of walking on eggshells and caving in to his demands. I think he's been so dysregulated because he misses his daughters, and because I'm having boundaries now(few, but at least it's better than none).

I'm trying to stay centered, but it's hard. Please lay out a course of action to deal with this tonight, in case he does attempt to talk, as he'd promised.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

     So sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. I know how rough things have been for you lately.

IF he does attempt to talk, what is it that you want to talk about?

Do you have any idea about what it is that you want to discuss?

If he wants to talk, are you strong enough to set boundaries and protect yourself?

You might want to review the lessons on surviving confrontation and disrespect.

It might be a good idea to avoid talking long enough for you to get your wits about you. You need to make a plan to keep yourself physically and emotionally safe. This is going to be hard.

 

[Ceruleanblue]

Here's what happened so far:

I came home because he said we could talk. He refused to say he wanted me to come home(smell control/withdrawal?), but said if I did, we could talk. I took that to mean he wanted me to, but refused to admit it.

I get home, he has headphones in, but says "hi" softly, so I say "hi" softly, but later get ignored of not speaking. I get busy taking trash out, and general housework, and he eventually comes into the bedroom and asks if I want to play dice? WTH? I said no, because I was eating. He sits down, and asks me if he can have $125.00 out of my account, because his motorcycle insurance will be cancelled tomorrow. I said, "are you serious?, you just threatened divorce today, and I might need that money, I don't even have a job right now". He got super mad, and used that as his excuse to say "You obviously don't want to talk", and barged out.

I'm SO SICK of him telling me how I think or feel. I followed him and asked if we could continue talking, and he said no. It's all a sick game. He knows I'm worried, so he withdraws, and feels he has all the power. I told him that telling me how I think or feel is not okay, and can't we both agree not to do that? He said "stop putting words in my mouth". He said for me to go away, so I did.

I'm sick of him telling me what I am or am not doing, thinking, you name it. He never asks me, he just projects.

I thought we were going to talk about how to work things out. As in things we can both do, but really that means just me, because he told me earlier today that he isn't going to change. All I've really asked of him is to stop the divorce threats, and stop f bombing me when angry. He has a huge list of my flaws, and things he wants me to change/work on. As always.

I'm just not sure how to deal with this, or even if I should. How can he come ask if I want to play dice, after all the things he said and threatened today? It has zero effect on him, but I feel like my world has been turned on it's ear again.

Off to read that lesson again on surviving confrontation and disrespect.

[HappyNihilist]

Ceruleanblue, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.   I know you've been having a difficult time with your husband and his dysregulation.

It's hurtful and frustrating to feel like we're not being heard. You're sick of him playing 'mind-reader' - that's understandable.

You're hurt, worried, frustrated, and confused. I agree that it might be a good idea to not talk to him for a little while, try to gather your thoughts.

Right now, with him so dysregulated and you so upset, I'm not sure that anything good can come of trying to talk. It may only serve to make things more tumultuous. If you're able to take some time and space to yourself - just breathe, collect your thoughts, think about your boundaries - I would recommend that. You deserve some time to sit with your feelings and thoughts.

Do you have a safety plan?

[still_in_shock]

Hi. I've been exactly through the same sequence of events: suddenly devalued -> abused emotionally -> betrayed financially and physically -> dumped and announced a divorce via text -> been forced to leave the house in winter and was left homeless and penniless -> been threatened immigration wise -> been accused of being mentally ill.

Even after all that maltreatment, just like you, I was still ready to forgive him thinking "my poor baby, he's unwell, I should be more understanding and kind. he'll come around" and hoping for the therapy (which he never made to denying blue in his face he had any issues, and that I was the one with problems) to resolve his issues. So back then, going through the nightmare of his abusive treatment, I was ready to stay with him forever and ever, help him to "recover" and learn coping skills myself. What was I thinking of? I have no clue.

Now, 7 months after, I can't be more grateful to be out of that situation. I am so happy that he, actually, withdrew himself off of my life and spared me of the rollercoater life and toxicity of his manipulations, which I was not aware of while being in the middle of it. And only when I've stepped out of the situation and a few months after, I see things 20-20.

It took me over 6 months to collect the pieces of me stomped in the dirt. Nowadays, I feel so much better, very peaceful, healed and have self-esteem restored. Joy is back to my heart. According to my therapist, who's been counseling me since the day I came to see him as a wreck of a human-being, after "being betrayed and mistreated on so many levels", I've "evolved rather beautifully." Today, I love and respect myself so strongly, especially, for the survival of tmy uBPD ex-husband preceded by cancer at the age of 31.

The experience has taught me an incredible relationship lesson and made me more insightful on people and life, in general. I've learned one precious thing, and that is - to truly love myself.  

In summary, my most sincere a woman to woman advice to you would be: get the hell out of that situation. Leave him. Let him bog in his own mess. Move on with your life. You only have one chance to live on this earth, and time passes by oh too fast. Make the most of it.  If you have feelings for him, it'll be hard at first, but about 6 months after you'll feel liberated, easy and whole. Trust me. The sooner you get out, the healthier it'll be for you.

Good luck.

Well, so much for DBT and upholding my end of the bargain we made when we reconciled. He's back to saying he wants a divorce, but now he's also saying that I have a mental disorder, and that everything is my fault. Everything.

He told me to leave, and go to my parents. Then later he said I could come home, and we'd talk, but I'm now home, and he has made no attempt to talk to me. I think he means it this time, just like last time. He gets in this low, dark place, and he's done. I think we only reconciled last time because his new flame scorned him, and I basically agreed to do whatever he wanted, because I realized he wouldn't change. He then got in DBT, and things got a LOT better. For about three or four months.

Now this. He also stated that he only got put in DBT because I mentioned it to his psychiatrist which is totally NOT TRUE. Not even sort of true.

How best to handle this? I'm scared, but I'm also tired of walking on eggshells and caving in to his demands. I think he's been so dysregulated because he misses his daughters, and because I'm having boundaries now(few, but at least it's better than none).

I'm trying to stay centered, but it's hard. Please lay out a course of action to deal with this tonight, in case he does attempt to talk, as he'd promised.

[Ysabel]

Dear C

This just sounds horrible! Do you have a lawyer?   Maybe it's time to look into protecting yourself and your financial future.

Ysabel

[Ceruleanblue]

I don't currently have a lawyer, as I'd previously filed the first time he left me. That was about 10 months ago, and we reconciled after about 2 months apart, but we lived apart longer. He couldn't bear to leave his daughter's house. She actually got pregnant while he was living there, which sort of creeps me out.

He's still mad that I filed papers on him the first time, even though he was the one who left, wanted out, and wouldn't even hear of working things out.

I want this to work, but I'm sick of being the only one who has faith, or thinks we can. His focus is so much on the negative, and anything good gets overlooked. He's now demanding I get a job, and give him all the money. I'll work for minimum wage, and he makes $115,000 a year. I can get a job, but I don't like how he's demanding that I pay three different bills, and just fork over the money. I feel at this point, when I get a job I need to squirrel away some money because I have zero stability with him. He's likely to toss me out at any time. Can he even do that? We are married, can he just throw me out?

We did talk some tonight, but he's very mad at me. Basically all he wanted to talk about was "who I'd texted" and I don't feel it's his right to know. I'm not cheating, he told me to "find someone else", and that he wanted a divorce. So what if I texted someone else? I actually didn't even do that, but he thinks I did. I'm done defending myself. He's so cold. We'd made an agreement when we reconciled to hold each other even when angry, yet he's never done that once.

He won't give me any hope that we can work on things. He gave me a list of things I need to stop doing, of course, but he said even that might not make a difference. He's just gloom and doom right now. Who gets there in the course of two months? Plus, he said it's built up, but it's seriously only been two months since things were good(at least to me, and what he'd been saying).

He lefts resentments build and build, and he doesn't forgive or get over them. He's always preaching to me to just move on, forgive, and all that, but I'm the one who does, yet he won't. I forgave his girls, I apologized for things I did not do, I've extended the olive branch over and over only to have the door slammed in my face, yet he accused me of not being over things.

I know he has something going on, and is in DBT, but I seriously am starting to think he's sociopathic. He enjoys being cruel. I've known this for a long time. I asked him to hold me and touched his hand, and he recoiled like I was something dirty.

He's in such a dark place, and his thoughts are so ugly and negative, I'm afraid he'll just push me away. I can't get through to him.

How do I best deal with this? I don't want to further trigger him, but I also don't want to just agree with all his negative statements. I feel if I don't stay positive, that he'll just withdraw, and he'll just pull the trigger, and we'll end up divorced.

I realize there are worse things, and at this point I probably shouldn't even want to be married to him, but I easily remember the good times, and it wasn't long ago when things were good. Why can't he remember that?

[Ceruleanblue]

I feel as if where we are at right now is because he harbors resentment. It's like he's a scorekeeper, and once he's counted that I've had too many "offenses", he starts thinking he wants out. He doesn't look at any of his contribution, or how we can work on it together. He's thinking is far to dark right now to think of that. I've tried to get through to him, but all I get is "I don't know".

He enjoys stringing me along, I think it makes him feel POWERFUL, and IN CONTROL. He likes making me scared and upset. Do I hide that it makes me that way?

Would a more blasé attitude, maybe make him realize that he's not the be all and end all. It's like he thinks I can't live without him. I don't want to, but I obviously may have to.

He did this same crap to his ex, or they both did it, I don't know. Time outs, moving out on each other, back and forth like that for 24 years until she finally cheated on him.

I was raised in a stable, happy marriage, and don't even know how I landed here.

[Daniell85]

I dont think he can just kick you out bam. At the same time, he could file a restraining order, or scare you into leaving.

He sounds to me like he is having constant existential bursts as you are enforcing boundaries.

You live in his house? How long have you been married... couple years? It may be you would be entitled to some spousal support. I guess you would need legal counsel to find out.

Regarding possible sociopathy... it will damage you considerably to live under that. You are clearly being abused and intimidated. I respect you a ton for standing up for yourself... .you have showned a lot of staying power. At the same time, you need to take care of your own well being.

Hard as it is, it may really be true that you need a Plan B. A place you can go... your parents. Some funds stashed away. Talk to an attorney to see what support you are entitled to if you leave.

You look like you are living on a battleground to me.  What are your limits here? Every day he has some new way to try and make you fearful. You really are under a lot of duress.

[sweetheart]

He told me to leave, and go to my parents. Then later he said I could come home, and we'd talk, but I'm now home, and he has made no attempt to talk to me.

CB where are you in all of this ?

Unless I have misunderstood the post, your husband asked you to leave, you did, then he told you to come back, you did. What message to you think this conveys to him about your boundaries?

Following your posts, I do not think these area extinction bursts, you have outlined that the conflict in your relationship has been escalating for some time now, you have said that his behaviour pattern probably indicated that he was moving again toward pushing the divorce issue, and he has, because IMO currently he holds all the power and control in your relationship and knows this. His presentation is very similar to before, what has changed for you this time? Are you prepared to leave?

A plan would be to consult a lawyer.

Think about getting a job so you have your own money, so that you don't have to feel dependent on your h. ( You might have your own financial security, I don't know, but being financially secure in your own right is important. )

Make a plan so you know what leaving your marriage looks like and what it will entail.

Find your own T.

Do not tell your h anything about your plans.

This is a link that covers extinction bursts, but I include it because it covers something called intermittent reinforcement which I believe from following your posts is happening in your relationship https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111890.0

The other replies have mentioned a Safety Plan because your marriage has a history of domestic violence/abuse. When your h is dysregulated as he is at the moment trying to engage him in conversations that will potentially escalate this behaviour is dangerous. Keep everything calm, neutral and away from trigger issues.

It is important because your fear and worry will be triggering for you too, so remembering and using skills like withdrawing and disengaging with kindness will help you be mindful of not entering into further dysregulated conversations.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I couldn't sleep much, so I did a lot of rereading of the tools, and the link on intermittent enforcement, and one on extinction bursts, and several others.

He's not as actively angry this morning, it's more down to a slow simmer. He's "cool". I get the definite vibe that he is still resenting, and building a case against me. I'm not thinking for his, I base this on his past history, and how things will burst out months after the fact. He's so very resentful of me. He doesn't get over things.

And yeah, I did do pretty much what he asked of me yesterday. It's what I usually do unless I have a personal boundary around it. I think next time he asks me to leave though my response will be "if you want time apart from me, you can leave, because I'm not leaving this marriage willingly". Would that be okay? Not invalidating, or possibly triggering? Is there a better way I can put it.

Plus, this living with total lack of security, and not knowing if he wants to remain married has me back to feeling like I'm temporary, like I have no home, and like I'm expendable. I'd say he just does it to exert power and control, but I think when he's saying this, he actually means it.

How do I self soothe when there is no reassurance from him? My dream is to have someone there for the good and bad, someone that doesn't see only the bad, someone deep in the trenches with me(not a deserter), and someone I know is actually committed. I'll likely never have that with him, and that breaks my heart. It was actually a huge part of why I chose him, and it was all smoke and mirrors.

I need to self soothe, and stop feeling so panicked, although I think some of those feelings are normal under my circumstances. Any ideas?