Dealing with a difficult mother.

[Turtleman]

Hi, I have been patient, and tolerant, and adjust in many ways to reduce the more difficult to deal with aged mom who is 74 years old. She has not been checked by doctors to see if she is showing some sign of BPD behaviors. I have been stopping to see her for about four months, which that caused her to be little worse than she used to be in her mental status. it was not for the purpose to stop seeing her every once or twice a month, which I have been burned out of everything by being around her. She refused to join the church as a member to make any new friend. She relies on me heavily for some support instead of seeing her counselor for therapy session once a month. She has not been seeing a counselor for many, many, and many years.  I changed the way by not really giving her much support since it was too much for me to do that. It was the first time for me to be more strong person by not giving in when she tried to do anything to win me back for getting what she wanted. I am frustrated with her ways onto that, and not having someone else to help me out with her craziness behavior toward me. I did come by to see her since she had a medical procedure, and be there to support her. But all what she did is complaining to me about what I did not visit her or something else instead of talking about her medical procedure deeply.She tends to blame me for being unhappily, sadly, and ready to die when she gets a kidney transplant.  That last comment was very hard to take it when she said like that without showing any kind of emotion. All I kept telling myself that I couldn’t even go to see her without bring a lady friend or support friend to be on my side to face her since I have been burned out of support her in any way, which it is not meant to let her die soon as it can to give me a good life to be happily again. All I can say it is hard to deal with her as single son, and (sigH).

[Turkish]

Hello Turtleman



Dealing with a stubborn, ageing parent is tough. It's commendable that you are there for her medical issues. I was there for breast cancer surgery and a hysterectomy. I am also a single son, and there are no other relatives to offer support. Talking about lfe's struggles is natural. However, no one should have to be a therapist to anyone, especially their own paterent. Has it always been like this, even since you were a kid?

It's too bad that your mother stopped therapy, but it sounds like you erected some boundaries to deal with some of the rescuing. I finally erected financial boundaries towads my mom,.and surprisingly, it also helped her. The emotional stuff? Perhaps tougher to deal with. If I don't call for two weeks, "its been months since I've heard from you!" The phone works both ways. I've told her that.

I also get the thinking sometimes of,."if she weren't here, it would be one less burden for me." I feel guilty for thinking that. Support friends can be good. They can give you an "out." I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You need support , too.

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

I have been burned out of everything by being around her. She refused to join the church as a member to make any new friend. She relies on me heavily for some support ... .

Your situation is tough, the obligation, the vulnerability of age, sound like you’re being a good son. In fact you’re doing more than some would and you’re doing it in adverse conditions. What about you and your mental health ?  I would agree with Turk, it’s not a child’s responsibility to be the Therapist.

Could you wean your mom off a dependency on you, by brining the Therapist with you, then not being able to make the next meeting ? Don’t forget to look after your own health, unless of course your BPD mom is doing that for you. Wishing you peace.  

[Turtleman]

I thank all of you who did respond back to the post of mine about dealing with difficult mother. These suggestion and positive message does help me to acknowledge how much I do the best to deal with her, and it's a time for a solution for her issue to be resolved by her effort to get some help for her mental sakes. All I do is limit the Codependent relationships with her in the order to take care of myself first. It is possible to do everything for her and myself without being out of the balance.It seems she dislike the new person of myself when I changed from being the oldest person with low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and not up to change anything for the better. It took several years to be a strong person, and speak up several times to her when I disagree or not feel getting a respect for her. She seems trying and trying to pull me down, which it helps her to feel bigger person than I am. That is part of her sick mental health status, and she couldn't see anything correctly in dirty glass lens onto life issues...