He's back to divorce threats, and coldness...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We already recycled once, and I think he only came back because he new toy dumped him, and I accepted him back with the understanding he would not change, but he demanded I make LOTS of changes. I feel I've mostly upheld my end of the bargain, but he sees that differently. He did some things that changed a couple, but I upheld the ones he valued most, I feel.

Well, things have taken a bad turn, and I know I haven't changed. He has.

He's even chosen to sleep in the spare room, and he's never done that before in four years. He recoiled when I tried to touch him. He's vibrating with anger. This is all resentment, I'm sure of it. His statement was "it just built up". Well, I take that to mean he let it built up.

He likes to scare me with divorce threats, but I think he may mean it this time(again). He spent 24 years doing this to his ex, but according to his own family, he treated the ex much, much better than he treats me. His brother told me that it sickened them how he kissed her butt, and she was awful to him. His brother told me I am like a dog with it's tail tucked between it's legs and I need to stand up to him, but I'm afraid to. I know I'll lose him if I do.

I'm sick of being the one who thinks we can find solutions, and make this work, when he is always trying to throw us away. Now he's also saying I  have a mental disorder. We see the same shrink, and I was not diagnosed, but he got put on the highest dose of Wellbutrin, and put in DBT.

He's pulling away, and nothing I say seems to interest him in staying. He says he loves me, but acts like we just can't make it. He blames all on me, and takes zero responsibility.

How do I best handle this?

[Ceruleanblue]

We already recycled once, and I think he only came back because he new toy dumped him, and I accepted him back with the understanding he would not change, but he demanded I make LOTS of changes. I feel I've mostly upheld my end of the bargain, but he sees that differently. He did some things that changed a couple, but I upheld the ones he valued most, I feel.

Well, things have taken a bad turn, and I know I haven't changed. He has.

He's even chosen to sleep in the spare room, and he's never done that before in four years. He recoiled when I tried to touch him. He's vibrating with anger. This is all resentment, I'm sure of it. His statement was "it just built up". Well, I take that to mean he let it built up.

He likes to scare me with divorce threats, but I think he may mean it this time(again). He spent 24 years doing this to his ex, but according to his own family, he treated the ex much, much better than he treats me. His brother told me that it sickened them how he kissed her butt, and she was awful to him. His brother told me I am like a dog with it's tail tucked between it's legs and I need to stand up to him, but I'm afraid to. I know I'll lose him if I do.

I'm sick of being the one who thinks we can find solutions, and make this work, when he is always trying to throw us away. Now he's also saying I  have a mental disorder. We see the same shrink, and I was not diagnosed, but he got put on the highest dose of Wellbutrin, and put in DBT.

He's pulling away, and nothing I say seems to interest him in staying. He says he loves me, but acts like we just can't make it. He blames all on me, and takes zero responsibility.

How do I best handle this?

[Ceruleanblue]

He's also making demands of me, the same day he said he thinks we should divorce. What is up with that? He wants me to get a job and contribute all of the money towards bills. I don't mind getting the job as much as his demand that I do so, and demand that I use all the money for bills. Heck, if he's wanting a divorce, I'm going to need to save up some. He also had lots of other demands.

How do I respond to all this? I'm just at a loss, and feeling very triggered, and don't want to come off as defensive. He seems so resentful of me on every level. It's almost like he's made the decision to stop loving me, and is distancing himself. He's convinced himself our marriage won't work. His kids have been very influential in this, I'm sure. They refuse to be around me(three of the four, at least), and he's wanting to be enmeshed with them again.

Please, any ideas would help. I'm trying to come up with a back up plan, but my thoughts are pretty scattered right now.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Ceruleanblue,

I am sorry that you are going through this. I understand how all of this is triggering.   

It is hard to be the outlet for a pwBPD's projection. The resentment from a pwBPD is really tough to cope with. It seems to come out of left field. The shift of how a pwBPD views you, can change moment to moment.  The splitting and projecting stem from a lack of object constancy.  A pwBPD is unable to view you as a person who possesses both faults and virtues, a complex person who possesses a wide range of traits.  Although a pwBPD can split their partner black or white, they also can split themselves.  At times of dysregulation or when the partner is viewed as withholding or frustrating, their emotional investment in the partner can wane. In addition, if the pwBPD is splitting themselves black either through their own shame or self-loathing, that tends to be projected on the partner.

Self-loathing  and shame seem to be a factor when a pwBPD "sabotages" the relationship. With that perspective, they unconsciously become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is like a pwBPD believes no matter what they do, they are going to either fail or you are going to leave them. Keeping in mind the lack of object constancy and dysregulation, this is when a pwBPD will start to distance themselves and pull away.

I have heard the same things from my pwBPD. He has said how much he loves me, but acts like it will never work. The resentment and constant blame was all projection. He demanded quite a few things from me was he was going through a phase like this. Some of the demands were quite outlandish.  At first, I used to comply to his every request or demand. After a long time, I stopped doing so and gave him the space to resent me and cope with his dysregulation. His emotions or feelings tend to change rapidly. In my opinion, no one should demand anything from anyone, regardless of a disorder. I felt that I do not always have to comply to what someone else wants, especially if they are threatening or manipulating me.

I know that telling you it's a part of BPD and to not take it personal does not change how you feel at this moment.    You have mentioned that you have done many things to help improve your relationship. Don't be hard on yourself. He is projecting on you.

From what you wrote, it seems that he has done this before. Have you thought more on what his brother said, maybe tailoring it to letting him have his space and then perhaps having a discussion when he is more stable? I found any discussion or serious talk during dysregulation or when I was split black tends to not end well. In the meantime, would getting a job be good for you to get out of the house?

[Ceruleanblue]

Getting a job might or might not be good for me. I actually divorced a sociopath, and tried working during the most stressful time of my life, and it was just too much for me. I'm more centered now, I think. It's something I'd rather do for ME, rather than because he demands it of me. Plus, he has a trip to Vegas coming up for work, and he'd promised that this year, I could finally go. He actually left me after the Vegas trip last year, because I dared to text bomb him, because I was worried because he hadn't called, and it was super late, and he'd been telling me he wanted to sleep with other women. I still think I had every right to worry, but he doesn't see it this way.

I as a norm don't worry about him cheating, but last time he painted me this black, it was like he was on the same downward trajectory. Saying the same things, acting the same, the only difference is this time he isn't(yet) saying he wants other women, although he has expressed regrets for not sleeping around when he was young. He's 48, and I think that ship has sailed, but he has huge regrets.

It's weird but it's like his dysregulations last weeks or months. It's not just a blast of a few hours and done(although he does that too). He's been in this phase for a couple months now, and even when we manage to communicate, which he's horrible at, his tone is negative and scathing about me, our relationship and our marriage. It's hard to stay positive with someone who acts like staying married to you is doing you a tremendous favor. Especially when I feel he should feel grateful I stay in the face off all this adversity: his anger and disorder, and his kids who'll likely never accept me.

How exactly did you manage to set boundaries. I've been setting some, but I'm back to being afraid after this. I've tried giving him space in the past, but that just ended up with him leaving me. I just don't know if there is anything "I" can do to stop this train... .but I sure wish I could.

[EaglesJuju]

It's something I'd rather do for ME, rather than because he demands it of me.

I was meaning that it could be something that you could do for yourself, not because of him. 

It's weird but it's like his dysregulations last weeks or months. It's not just a blast of a few hours and done(although he does that too). He's been in this phase for a couple months now, and even when we manage to communicate, which he's horrible at, his tone is negative and scathing about me, our relationship and our marriage. It's hard to stay positive with someone who acts like staying married to you is doing you a tremendous favor. Especially when I feel he should feel grateful I stay in the face off all this adversity: his anger and disorder, and his kids who'll likely never accept me.

I have heard of similar behavior when people are starting DBT.  Do you think that could be a possibility?

I can imagine that it is hard to stay positive being surrounded by constant negativity and feeling under appreciated. Instead of looking for validation from him with all that you do, do you give yourself credit and recognition?

ow exactly did you manage to set boundaries. I've been setting some, but I'm back to being afraid after this. I've tried giving him space in the past, but that just ended up with him leaving me. I just don't know if there is anything "I" can do to stop this train... .but I sure wish I could.

The way to set up a boundary in my opinion, is by your own limits. You cannot stop or change his behavior, that is not a what  boundary is. Facing your fears is a step in asserting what behavior that you will not tolerate or accept. If you are afraid of his reactions all the time, it is just going to perpetuate a cycle. If you are afraid of the possible consequences, then nothing is going to change.  When there are no boundaries and anything goes, it helps reinforce or enables maladaptive behavior. It is about what you want and feel, not how he is going to react.  There may be backlash when you start asserting boundaries and limits, but that is common with people who do not like change.

[Ceruleanblue]

I had my first session with an amazing therapist, and I now have a PLAN! I'm going to apply for a bunch of jobs, and also go to the community college and see what I qualify for. I have an outstanding student loan in default, and I'm afraid that'll be a barrier, but she said to go check, so I will. I'm determined to get myself to a better place.

I still think even if I was very gainfully employed, I would not have left BPDh. I don't feel that is why I've stayed with BPDh, but it sure would be nice to feel I have a good job to fall back on. I'm going to work on getting to that place. I'm thinking of going into some sort of social work, or psychology. Heck, my daughter is currently going for that, and has said she'd help me.

I've been having a few boundaries with him, and I think that is a lot of what has set him off. He wants a puppet with no thoughts or feelings. Someone who just does what he wants, and admires him all the time, no matter how he treats them. I have way too much self esteem and respect for that.

He acted crappy when he first started DBT, as his psychiatrist warned he might, but he soon got over that and did great for three or four months. Then a couple months ago, he started acting out, and being grumpy and angry. He was building up resentments. That led to where he is at now. He's actually even rewrote history and is now saying that I suggested DBT to his psychiatrist, which is just not true. I was asked to go in that session, and I shared what my sister in law had told me her husband takes drug wise(this is BPDh's brother), because I know a lot of drugs if they work for one family member might work for another. BPDh had been on a couple meds and didn't like them, so his psychiatrist could have said no, but said that is actually a good choice for dealing with depression, and anger, and he was glad to know it worked for the brother, and said it might work well for BPDh if it worked for his brother. It's amazing how he's twisted all that into I suggested he be put in DBT. Whatever, I guess. He's going to believe what he wants, but it's pure fantasy

[EaglesJuju]

I had my first session with an amazing therapist, and I now have a PLAN! I'm going to apply for a bunch of jobs, and also go to the community college and see what I qualify for. I have an outstanding student loan in default, and I'm afraid that'll be a barrier, but she said to go check, so I will. I'm determined to get myself to a better place.

That is awesome news! This is what it is all about; you. 

When you enroll in school again (full time status), they tend to defer your outstanding loans. 

I still think even if I was very gainfully employed, I would not have left BPDh. I don't feel that is why I've stayed with BPDh, but it sure would be nice to feel I have a good job to fall back on. I'm going to work on getting to that place. I'm thinking of going into some sort of social work, or psychology. Heck, my daughter is currently going for that, and has said she'd help me.

I'm sure that it would be nice to do something that you have a passion for. Having your own hobbies and interests really help with not becoming affected by the bad moods or behavior.

I've been having a few boundaries with him, and I think that is a lot of what has set him off. He wants a puppet with no thoughts or feelings. Someone who just does what he wants, and admires him all the time, no matter how he treats them. I have way too much self esteem and respect for that.

You are probably right. The new behavior is most likely caused by the boundaries. Keep sticking to them. You can do it. 

He acted crappy when he first started DBT, as his psychiatrist warned he might, but he soon got over that and did great for three or four months. Then a couple months ago, he started acting out, and being grumpy and angry. He was building up resentments. That led to where he is at now.

Is he still in DBT? Maybe he has become extra triggered doing a new module?

[Ceruleanblue]

I think he's been in DBT about 6 months now, maybe longer. My memory is suffering severely, I think due to the constant stress. I really think he's going to need longer than the one year. I wish that wasn't the case, but he's not using any of the skills, other than giving himself a time out(but he does it in a cruel way, which I'm sure wasn't the way it was taught). He doesn't say he needs a time out, per se, and he doesn't agree to come back and figure things out.

I'm excited that I have a plan, and I feel really good about it. My daughter will be totally on board for this, I'm sure.

He came home tonight, and he actually gave me a very cool peck on the lips, but is clearly still angry, and in withdrawal mode. The difference is, I really don't care as much as I would have yesterday pre plan. Our marriage being temporary is HIS choice, and I can only do so much. I can only work on and control me.

Your advice and reassurance have been great, THANKS!