Staying with my BPD spouse

[Aaron1979]

Hi,

I made a post on the undecided board previously but the fact that I haven't divorced means I'm trying to stay for now. 

I have Asperger's syndrome which means that I process things very differently than other people.  Sometimes it'll take me a day or two later to realize something.

She continues to blame, lie, and manipulate me even though the therapist is attempting cognitive behavior therapy.

I'm supposed to set boundaries but my recognition of my wife's behavior's and especially what to do about them isn't quick.  I always seem to realize what she's up to or the consequence I should administer too late, or I won't be sure and will have no one I can ask. 

For example, if my wife says "I'm glad you're at work I don't want you home.  Bye bye, I want you to hear bye bye" at work I should not return home until later in the day than I normally would.  Other situations happen too where I cannot seem to catch up with her manipulation tactic.  I'll realize too late what I should have done.

What should I do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Aaron, in your example it seems you are trying to anticipate your wife's perceived needs and then acting to "please" your wife or avoid conflict.  If this is true all you are really doing is continuing the dance, adjusting your life to her chaotic inner world. This method won't help her at all, in fact it will likely add positive reinforcement to what she is doing already and make it worse.

It may be hard to accept but you are the only responsible person in your relationship. Your wife is too involved in her own business to see the world as it is. In my relationship I have to respect and treat my wife as the grown adult that she is. At the same time I have to accept that she is emotionally three years old and plan my life around that. To me, that makes me responsible for deciding when I will come home, who I will talk to, and what activities I will do.

I cannot let her tell me what to do so that it pleases her, just as I can't let a three year old child tell me what to do so that it pleases them. I have to take authority over my life (just as you have to) because no one else will.

Think about this too. When was the last time you did something to try and please your wife (such as not coming home when she asked)? Did it help her behavior? Did she even notice? Why then, do you think that the next time will be any different?

[Aaron1979]

I don't think it will be different and I do know that I shouldn't try to appease/please her.  I posted the whole conversation on my last post in the undecided forum on my post here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281984.10

 

[ArleighBurke]

Aaron,

You say:

I'm supposed to set boundaries but my recognition of my wife's behavior's and especially what to do about them isn't quick.  I always seem to realize what she's up to or the consequence I should administer too late.

Boundaries are not about "responses to her actions", or "consequences for her". Boundaries are what you are willing to accept or not FOR YOU.

- If she's yelling at you on the phone, your boundary can be "I don't want to be yelled at". You can't stop her from yelling, but you can state your boundary, then hang up. It's not a consequence, although it will certainly impact her.

- If she makes you late when you go places together by stuffing around when it's time to go, your boundary (or value) is "I value being on time". So you can tell her what time you are leaving, then at that time - you leave - whether she's ready or not. You are not telling her she has to hurry - you are not telling her she can't go. You are saying "for ME, this is what I'M doing" - and she is free to do what she wants.

I can't think of another example at the moment, but I'm sure there are many in other posts.

But your actions don't really need to change based on her behaviour. In fact, your behaviours should be motivated by your own values and wants. Try NOT to be manipulated by her.

[ArleighBurke]

Examples of boundaries https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Setting Boundaries and limits https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[Aaron1979]

Jongo and WilliamsKevin

Thank you for your responses.  They were very helpful.  I didn't identify my own wants and what was worth defending.  I also did start to value myself more but didn't put myself first previously.  I have done that now. 

The most important thing is that my wife continues to go to therapy.  That's more important than her just going to church.