New therapist, new plan...

[Ceruleanblue]

I really like my new therapist. I hate to say it, but I see that as much as I want this marriage to work, that I'm the only one who really does. BPDh will give it lip service, but he isn't willing to do any actual work on himself. He was, but he slipped back into victim mode, and blame mode, and to me, that is a really, really bad sign for our future. I want stability, and not constant divorce threats and criticism. I could live with the criticism, but the divorce threats, and him threatening to throw me out, are just too hard, because he follows through. If they were empty threats, maybe I could do it, but they are not. Last time he left, and he cheated. No thanks.

I'm hanging in there, just observing, but I think even that will allow me more detachment now that I have a plan, and have decided that I just can't be the only one working on themselves, cheerleading, accepting, and compromising, and for what?

My plan is to apply for a bunch of jobs, and go to the community college and see if I qualify for something. I have an outstanding student loan that is in default, and I thought that was a major barrier, but my T convinced me to go find out. I'm going to do that! In four years, I could have a good job that I'd actually enjoy having.

She really made me feel good about starting over, when it comes to that. I'm still scared for when BPDh comes home, because I have no idea what his mood will be, more divorce threats and anger, or acting as if nothing happened. The anger is very close to the surface though, as I've recently found out.

I just feel very determined right now. I'm hoping that feeling lasts.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ysabel]

Hey way to go!

One day at a time, happiness is not selfish, it's a moral obligation! The happy make the world a better place. The unhappy make it worse.

As you get healthier, he will have to get better or go away!

Do you have courses of study that interest you? I hope you keep everyone posted. You really have struggled enough!

[Ceruleanblue]

I think I'm going to gear my studies toward social work of some sort. I'd actually like to be a therapist, but I'm not sure I'm up to 6-8 years of college. That just seems overwhelming right now. I can definitely see myself getting my bachelors degree though.

It feels a little like someone threw me a lifeline today. Some of the things hurt to hear, but I can understand that for anyone looking in it's amazing why we stay when things get super bad. I don't think all pwBPD are "as bad", and this is a spectrum disorder, and I believe at home, by BPDh is low functioning. At work, he seems high functioning(at this job so far, although he's destroyed past jobs).

I want to be happy, and it's pretty clear that BPDh wants out anyway, and I'm about all begged out. I sort of felt like I was doing him an immense favor by staying, being loyal, always having his back, and saying we could get through this. He didn't appreciate that, and he now only sees me as the problem. I'm done trying to make this work, when he's painted me black.

I'm not leaving, but I'm also feeling very detached, and am just taking a wait and see attitude. He chose to sleep in the spare room tonight, second night in a row. He did ask for sex after dinner though, but didn't get upset when I said I was feeling too full and uncomfortable for sex(it was true, laying down, or jostling on a full stomach is not fun). I think he's still trying to scare me, or keep me wondering. Usually by now, I'm asking if we'll stay together, or wanting some sort of reassurance. He's probably wondering why his usual tactics aren't working.

I literally feel like I'm almost free. I got a sick feeling in my stomach when he came home from work. Seeing him reminded me of how much I love him, but I also dread his presence because he's like a landmine. I'm attracted to him, but I'm very repelled by how deliberately cruel he can be. I'd bet there are some pwBPD who are later sorry for things they say or do? BPDh rarely, if ever, truly has remorse, and he certainly lacks all empathy. He may be antisocial, as was suggested to me by a past T, but who knows? All I know is it's toxic, it's a mental health issue, and my time with him is likely to be limited, due to his choice.

It's hard to even image trusting someone again, because my radar certainly didn't pick it up with BPDh. My T said it sounded like bait and switch, which is something I've always said. I knew the signs to look for, but I still didn't see them. Therefore, I don't trust that someone else might not dupe me again. Some with BPD seem able to hide the disorder during the idealization phase. That truly scares me.

[Cloudy Days]

This is great CB! The only person that can find your happiness is you don't put it into someone's hands who is disordered and abuses you. I used to beg my husband not to leave me. Once it finally clicked that I should not be begging someone to stay with me I stopped acting like I cared if he left me. I do care, don't get me wrong, but I also know I am a rockstar and can do anything I put my mind to. So if he leaves me I will be ok, I will be better than ok because I don't want someone who doesn't want me.

Loving them is sort of like a drug, we need to stop using them like a drug. When they are good to us and put us on the pedestal you get a high, a hit off of the drug that you love. When you are in the low times it's like withdrawal and if you leave it gets even worse because you want another fix so bad you do things you may not have done otherwise. (like you admitting to things you didn't do) Until you give it some time and you want them less and less and the pain and need for the drug goes away. Detaching is something you need to do for yourself. You need to realize that if he chooses to leave, you will be ok, and most likely you will be better than ok. You could have a job that you love, you could do literally anything you want in life. So next time he threatens divorce, don't take the bait.

The trust thing is hard, I have always felt that way too. But I think I would taking things much slower next time around. I married my husband less than a year after knowing him. I don't know how long it took you but we moved very fast together. I would never do that again. I would take my time and really know someone before giving my heart to them. I would also suggest you find yourself first before ever considering being in another relationship. You can't be a healthy partner when you yourself are not emotionally healthy and you won't find a healthy partner either because people tend to accept what they think they deserve. Spend some time building some confidence, both in your relationship now and if or when you do separate. 

[Daniell85]

Regarding student loans, if they are guaranteed, etc, you can contact the loan people and they offer a program to re-do the loan, so that it is no longer in default. If you are a full time student, you can then get it deferred and are eligable for new student assistance. There is also a repayment plan called Income Contigent repayment. Essentially you can get on that if your income is below about 18,000 a year. Around that or above that, they will put you into a repayment program that is 15% of your income above that level.

You said your husband makes over 100k, so as long as you are with him, the income contingent plan may not apply. I think you have to be in school as least half time to get the deferment otherwise. The servicing centers typically want people out of default and have really good ways to do it without putting you into the street due to the high payments.

My sister in law had terrible problems and she was able to sort out her situation this way. She had been in default over 7 years.

[Cloudy Days]

I was also in default for a very long time on my student loans. I told them what I could afford to pay and they made it possible to pay it back very easily. I flaked on them for probably 5 years and before that I had them deferred because I didn't make hardly anything. They are willing to help you work things out. Your husband making money will hinder anything you can get because that is not considered low income. If you ever do divorce him you would probably qualify for a lot.

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, I didn't mean I would leave him and be looking for someone else... .. I meant that a small part of why I stay is because I think if I leave, I'll be so untrusting of men, or actually my ability to choose a decent one, that I'll likely end up alone. My sister is in that boat right now.

I did job apps today, and earlier next week I'm going to go the local community college and see if I can figure things out. BPDh in the meantime keeps piling more things on me. I'd been wanting to set up and manage a booth, selling some of my collectibles at a nearby antique mall, and I thrift shop daily so it would be a great way to make money. I will not be able to do that if I'm working or going to school. It's like he wants me to take on three new things all at once, and he's said even then, that may not be enough to "make things better".

I didn't take the bait, I just calmly told him that I'd wanted to do that, but probably won't be able to do that if I'm working and going to school. Plus, I'm doing all this for ME, and the betterment of my life. He thinks I'm jumping to all this because of his demands, which sort of worries me.

[Cloudy Days]

Don't worry about him, just focus on what is going to make you happy. He is probably throwing things out there because you mentioned you wanted to do them and he wants to give you something to make you forget about the things he doesn't want you to do.

I would stop worrying about trying to make things better. He most likely has a skewed view of things and no matter what you do, things are not going to be better. Maybe temporarily but never for good. If I have learned anything about this disorder it is that things never stay good for long, he will find something else to pick on and when you fix that he will find something else. Focus on you and what makes you happy. He can be there too but don't make the sole purpose you do something, be because he wants you to do it. If you fix something about you, make it something you want to be fixed. Most of all learn to love yourself. It's something that I wish someone had told me a long time ago. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Cloudy Days:  

I totally do love myself, and I think I always have. I was raised in a really functional, loving family. I think I got stuck in this because of my strong belief in signing on for better or worse, and I have huge compassion for him. I do feel he suffers from some form of mental disorder, which allowed me to give him grace, perhaps too much.

I've just come to see that by doing that, it made me relax my boundaries, and take more than I should have.

I've always viewed myself as emotionally tough, I guess. Living with someone this angry, and this "triggered" and blaming, has really tested that though. I mean, just because I can take something, doesn't mean I want a steady diet of it.

I guess when I started doing more for myself, and enacting more boundaries, it really called into question that fact that I never, ever thought I deserved this crap(who would deserve what they dish out), and that much as I believe in marriage, and staying, I may have to get out to save myself. If validation or being less reactionary, or even just giving him distance... .if ANYTHING really worked better, I'd ride it out. As it is, I just see an endless cycle of this. If the lows weren't so low, sure, but they are. What if he goes back to getting physical with me?

I'm sticking to my resolve of job and school, and taking care of myself. I don't have immediate plans to leave, and I'd still like this to work, but for now I just want to coast, and take care of ME. If he wants this marriage to work, let HIM make some effort, let HIM work on himself, and his abuse issues. I've worked on ME a ton, and am sort of always doing so, but I do it for me, and I'm DONE, DONE, DONE doing it because he requires it of me.

You are totally right, it always is some new thing he wants me to do, and he's never "happy" anyway! He needs to find acceptance and peace within himself, and stop looking for it, and blaming everyone else because he doesn't have it. Of course, I won't tell him that, but I sure hope his DBT therapist does. No wait, I mostly don't care what he's told anymore, because he just doesn't let it sink in anyway. He IS what he chooses to be.

I am going to do everything I can do to be happy. With him, or without him. Right now he's saying he really wants to stay married, the complete opposite of last week. Given enough time, he'll likely be right back to wanting a divorce again. His moods are the epitome of "unstable".