Glimpses of clarity

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Like an increase in perception during your recovery from a traumatic relationship experience... .

What I mean is, you're not in a mentality of x happened, this person did this, etc. You've given up the story, trying to make sense of everything, and its losing its grip on you. Things start to feel "fresh" and new and you feel more peaceful, maybe a little spacey.

I know everyone's experience on here is similar and vastly different simultaneously so its hard to put this into good words. I feel like I've spent months in a state of mind that's made me a victim. When I first left her I was more of the perpetrator in my mind; I saw myself as having gained an advantage (and betraying her) by leaving her, and later when she rebounded with a guy I knew it felt like I was then the victim. I realize I unknowingly played into the triangle. I'm not sure if it was intentional on her part. I see a lot of narcissistic qualities in myself that played out during that relationship.

Anyway, I'm curious what others have experienced.

[disorderedsociety]

Like an increase in perception during your recovery from a traumatic relationship experience... .

What I mean is, you're not in a mentality of x happened, this person did this, etc. You've given up the story, trying to make sense of everything, and its losing its grip on you. Things start to feel "fresh" and new and you feel more peaceful, maybe a little spacey.

I know everyone's experience on here is similar and vastly different simultaneously so its hard to put this into good words. I feel like I've spent months in a state of mind that's made me a victim. When I first left her I was more of the perpetrator in my mind; I saw myself as having gained an advantage (and betraying her) by leaving her, and later when she rebounded with a guy I knew it felt like I was then the victim. I realize I unknowingly played into the triangle. I'm not sure if it was intentional on her part. I see a lot of narcissistic qualities in myself that played out during that relationship.

Anyway, I'm curious what others have experienced.

[saintgrey]

I actually learned how to cope and handle the narcissist inside me at a young age, i had big problems due to the way my mother raised me but i won't go into detail, you can take advantage of it if you learn to control it, i owe a lot to my psychiatrists, it made me go to the top but me ex was able to destroy me... after our baby died it was a huge blow in my life and thats when i started to enable her, solve all her problems so i could just focus on me again and when i finally noticed that things were starting to get out of control (she painted my whole family black, even my grandmother that she hardly saw ) it was to late to salvage and i thank god for that even though i feel this pain and betrayal.

[disorderedsociety]

I actually learned how to cope and handle the narcissist inside me at a young age, i had big problems due to the way my mother raised me but i won't go into detail, you can take advantage of it if you learn to control it, i owe a lot to my psychiatrists, it made me go to the top but me ex was able to destroy me... after our baby died it was a huge blow in my life and thats when i started to enable her, solve all her problems so i could just focus on me again and when i finally noticed that things were starting to get out of control (she painted my whole family black, even my grandmother that she hardly saw ) it was to late to salvage and i thank god for that even though i feel this pain and betrayal.

Take advantage of it in what way?

I feel you on that, I started out trying to basically be my ex's therapist to try to help her see things clearly but I gave up after a while and just shut down so I could focus on myself. I ruminate a lot to try to figure out things from her POV so I can have some peace. I don't want her back, I just want to know who did what. :/

[HappyNihilist]

What I mean is, you're not in a mentality of x happened, this person did this, etc. You've given up the story, trying to make sense of everything, and its losing its grip on you. Things start to feel "fresh" and new and you feel more peaceful, maybe a little spacey.

This is a very good place to be, disorderedsociety, congrats! You're doing so well on your healing journey.

The peaceful and 'spacey' feeling - I totally get that. It is lovely and rejuvenating.

You're gaining acceptance, detaching and letting go. It's uphill from here.  As long as you keep focusing on yourself and letting go of the attachment, you will feel even more at peace.

I feel like I've spent months in a state of mind that's made me a victim. When I first left her I was more of the perpetrator in my mind; I saw myself as having gained an advantage (and betraying her) by leaving her, and later when she rebounded with a guy I knew it felt like I was then the victim. I realize I unknowingly played into the triangle.

This is great insight. It takes a lot to step back and really see our roles in the relationship and aftermath. You see how you played into the drama triangle.

I see a lot of narcissistic qualities in myself that played out during that relationship.

What qualities do you see that you feel are narcissistic?

It's important to examine these parts of ourselves - and without judgment or shame. We are who we are. We can work to improve parts of ourselves that we don't like or don't feel are healthy or authentic to ourselves.

You're doing good work. 

[saintgrey]

I actually learned how to cope and handle the narcissist inside me at a young age, i had big problems due to the way my mother raised me but i won't go into detail, you can take advantage of it if you learn to control it, i owe a lot to my psychiatrists, it made me go to the top but me ex was able to destroy me... after our baby died it was a huge blow in my life and thats when i started to enable her, solve all her problems so i could just focus on me again and when i finally noticed that things were starting to get out of control (she painted my whole family black, even my grandmother that she hardly saw ) it was to late to salvage and i thank god for that even though i feel this pain and betrayal.

Take advantage of it in what way?

I feel you on that, I started out trying to basically be my ex's therapist to try to help her see things clearly but I gave up after a while and just shut down so I could focus on myself. I ruminate a lot to try to figure out things from her POV so I can have some peace. I don't want her back, I just want to know who did what. :/

Taking advantage of how you think, being in control and it can make you a powerful leader, trust me i was a leader in my line of work a month ago but all this left me pretty broken but I'm starting to pickup the pieces.

I also try to figure out things from her POV but this was unavoidable imo (break up), i know the things i said to her ( out of control for a moment because of the silent treatment) will always come back to hunt her because in the end i said the truth plain and simple, she is a shame and try to hide it making it look like she was a victim but any sane person that knows her past or knows the full story just think she was a gold digger all this time.

[disorderedsociety]

Thanks HN.

To share, I'd say it would be staying and leading her on despite her keen sense of sniffing out potential abandonment. She'd ask if I loved her and I'd say yeah, which I did but I knew that the loving thing to do would be to leave because I wasn't willing to move us and her daughter into a home.

It was narcissistic of me to expect the kind of loving behavior out of her that I was seeking. She wasn't even capable of it at times and she wasn't the kind of person to be very affectionate or emotional.

When I got an apology 7 months later via email for "not being in a good state of mind, or the easiest person to be with" it messed with me. It gets me thinking that the replacement so to speak, knows how to draw boundaries I didn't. Or is more mature, and that I was the immature one. Who knows... .

It was narcissistic of me to use her for sex after the r/s ended and to expect her to stick around while I was undecided.

[saintgrey]

Thanks HN.

To share, I'd say it would be staying and leading her on despite her keen sense of sniffing out potential abandonment. She'd ask if I loved her and I'd say yeah, which I did but I knew that the loving thing to do would be to leave because I wasn't willing to move us and her daughter into a home.

It was narcissistic of me to expect the kind of loving behavior out of her that I was seeking. She wasn't even capable of it at times and she wasn't the kind of person to be very affectionate or emotional.

When I got an apology 7 months later via email for "not being in a good state of mind, or the easiest person to be with" it messed with me. It gets me thinking that the replacement so to speak, knows how to draw boundaries I didn't. Or is more mature, and that I was the immature one. Who knows... .

It was narcissistic of me to use her for sex after the r/s ended and to expect her to stick around while I was undecided.

Did you ever got to a point that made you think you "own" her ?

About the replacement dont think too much about it, for all you know she probably stomp the guy on a regular basis and he keeps taking it like i did in the last months or she probably haven't found a suitable person to jump ship, thinking about the pov of my ex she probably though this new guy was an improvement because he moved her to his place right away and dedicate all he's time to her but i can tell you that the guy lives in a dumpster, drives a cheap car, is fat, not good looking doesn't have serious job and apparently married her without even knowing her (i mean less than a month ) what can you think about that person ? maybe he's BPD too

In the end nobody knew about your problems in the r/s, there is no way to tell how their new r/s is really going.

[disorderedsociety]

Thanks HN.

To share, I'd say it would be staying and leading her on despite her keen sense of sniffing out potential abandonment. She'd ask if I loved her and I'd say yeah, which I did but I knew that the loving thing to do would be to leave because I wasn't willing to move us and her daughter into a home.

It was narcissistic of me to expect the kind of loving behavior out of her that I was seeking. She wasn't even capable of it at times and she wasn't the kind of person to be very affectionate or emotional.

When I got an apology 7 months later via email for "not being in a good state of mind, or the easiest person to be with" it messed with me. It gets me thinking that the replacement so to speak, knows how to draw boundaries I didn't. Or is more mature, and that I was the immature one. Who knows... .

It was narcissistic of me to use her for sex after the r/s ended and to expect her to stick around while I was undecided.

Did you ever got to a point that made you think you "own" her ?

About the replacement dont think too much about it, for all you know she probably stomp the guy on a regular basis and he keeps taking it like i did in the last months or she probably haven't found a suitable person to jump ship, thinking about the pov of my ex she probably though this new guy was an improvement because he moved her to his place right away and dedicate all he's time to her but i can tell you that the guy lives in a dumpster, drives a cheap car, is fat, not good looking doesn't have serious job and apparently married her without even knowing her (i mean less than a month ) what can you think about that person ? maybe he's BPD too

In the end nobody knew about your problems in the r/s, there is no way to tell how their new r/s is really going.

Yes most definitely. I didn't outright think it but my attitude was that I should be able to tell her what to do. I sought to control them getting together when I could tell it was happening and that ended with me being extremely hurt! Lol I think this could have been to compensate for feeling so helpless in the relationship.

This rebound guy is a pizza driver. A pizza driver. I understand everyone has their niche but its laughable how serious he takes himself and his so-called ability to manipulate things in his favor since his step-dad manages the store. Nepotism much?

And he got her pregnant a month in. Bad move. In his words, "oh she's a lot like me"

Guy had no boundaries when we hung out, tried to help me with things that I could take care of on my own. Vulnerable-type NPD imo. Told me a bit about his daddy issues. I believe I read somewhere that the "animus" of a woman with BPD is over-developed. I would think this would manifest as a sort of reflection of the traits a narcissistic man adopted from his father. The whole point of our relationship kind of hinged upon me seeing her as a "stepping stone" (she took me in when I was kicked out of my home for doing drugs, yes I'm a great person! lmao) and seeing a future between us. But who knows, maybe I wouldn't have been happy if I'd chosen that timeline. I think she and I both had much work to do before we were anywhere close to being ready for something like that.

All I know is no healthy person would be with her. I wasn't the best but now I have an opportunity to live my life without a disordered parent or SO telling me what I "should" do, or do for them.

[saintgrey]

Yes most definitely. I didn't outright think it but my attitude was that I should be able to tell her what to do. I sought to control them getting together when I could tell it was happening and that ended with me being extremely hurt! Lol I think this could have been to compensate for feeling so helpless in the relationship.

This rebound guy is a pizza driver. A pizza driver. I understand everyone has their niche but its laughable how serious he takes himself and his so-called ability to manipulate things in his favor since his step-dad manages the store. Nepotism much?

And he got her pregnant a month in. Bad move. In his words, "oh she's a lot like me"

Guy had no boundaries when we hung out, tried to help me with things that I could take care of on my own. Vulnerable-type NPD imo.

All I know is no healthy person would be with her. I wasn't the best but now I have an opportunity to live my life without a disordered parent or SO telling me what I "should" do, or do for them.

Thats why you felt so hurt, because you lost control and tried to manipulate your ex but the thing is that people with BPD can't be controlled, they can't be trusted i learnt that know and that was a terrible blow to your ego but the good thing you can learn to control this feelings but this people hardly will   they can't accept the blame, they can't take responsibility for their actions because the shame will kick and the only thing they know to do when that happens is create a barrier and on to the next one.

[disorderedsociety]

Yes most definitely. I didn't outright think it but my attitude was that I should be able to tell her what to do. I sought to control them getting together when I could tell it was happening and that ended with me being extremely hurt! Lol I think this could have been to compensate for feeling so helpless in the relationship.

This rebound guy is a pizza driver. A pizza driver. I understand everyone has their niche but its laughable how serious he takes himself and his so-called ability to manipulate things in his favor since his step-dad manages the store. Nepotism much?

And he got her pregnant a month in. Bad move. In his words, "oh she's a lot like me"

Guy had no boundaries when we hung out, tried to help me with things that I could take care of on my own. Vulnerable-type NPD imo.

All I know is no healthy person would be with her. I wasn't the best but now I have an opportunity to live my life without a disordered parent or SO telling me what I "should" do, or do for them.

Thats why you felt so hurt, because you lost control and tried to manipulate your ex but the thing is that people with BPD can't be controlled, they can't be trusted i learnt that know and that was a terrible blow to your ego but the good thing you can learn to control this feelings but this people hardly will   they can't accept the blame, they can't take responsibility for their actions because the shame will kick in.

That's another reason I believe she kept the items I left behind and would probably never apologize to my face. Because outside of a dynamic where I'm subjugated to her, she cannot look me in the eyes. The shame would be unbearable.

[saintgrey]

Yes most definitely. I didn't outright think it but my attitude was that I should be able to tell her what to do. I sought to control them getting together when I could tell it was happening and that ended with me being extremely hurt! Lol I think this could have been to compensate for feeling so helpless in the relationship.

This rebound guy is a pizza driver. A pizza driver. I understand everyone has their niche but its laughable how serious he takes himself and his so-called ability to manipulate things in his favor since his step-dad manages the store. Nepotism much?

And he got her pregnant a month in. Bad move. In his words, "oh she's a lot like me"

Guy had no boundaries when we hung out, tried to help me with things that I could take care of on my own. Vulnerable-type NPD imo.

All I know is no healthy person would be with her. I wasn't the best but now I have an opportunity to live my life without a disordered parent or SO telling me what I "should" do, or do for them.

Thats why you felt so hurt, because you lost control and tried to manipulate your ex but the thing is that people with BPD can't be controlled, they can't be trusted i learnt that know and that was a terrible blow to your ego but the good thing you can learn to control this feelings but this people hardly will   they can't accept the blame, they can't take responsibility for their actions because the shame will kick in.

That's another reason I believe she kept the items I left behind and would probably never apologize to my face. Because outside of a dynamic where I'm subjugated to her, she cannot look me in the eyes. The shame would be unbearable.

Yeap mine did something similar, she made it clear with her last msg that there is no plan to return my personal things.

She cut ties with her family and she can't stand the feeling of coming back to return my things, she knows what she did is wrong and how everyone around here will look at her so she prefers to just disappear for while i guess to smooth things out but also i guess she fears that this guy finds out about her past.

I know her inside out, the only reaction she will have if i bump into her is make a scene and try to get a reaction out of me to continue the smear campaign but she knows that around here everyone knows who's the crazy one due to her actions in the past, i remember a note she wrote that said "i don't remember what i did in my past" yeaaaah right you remember than well they just know what information they want for you ears.