Are we here to learn and become emotionally more mature?

[JRT]

I often times ask myself, "where would I be without this site and the support of the people that are on it'. I have done the best that I can to take the wisdom and advice from here as well as also give back when I am able. BPD Family has been instrumental in helping me to make sense of things and allowing me to recover.

Lately I have been reluctant to post or join threads. While I understand that many of us here have experienced trauma and have much to be uncongenial about, it often translates into an augmentative environment or one that challenges premises that the poster has not asked to have challenged in the first place. This has happened to me more than once ad is frustrating.

Likewise, there is also significant pressure to accept certain attributes or, say, absolutes. For example; under no circumstances should you break NC; you should never entertain the very idea of reconciliation ('malignant hope' one poster wrote); your r/s was toxic, just admit it; YOU were part of the problem just as much as the pwBPD; all r/s's with BPD's are bad, you can NEVER have a good one, and the list goes on. Its difficult to even move beyond the possibility sometimes that a BPD r/s can have any redeeming qualities at all.

I believe that there is some truth and validity to these but there is pressure for a forum member to 'walk the walk' lest they come under attack from other forum members who are being anything but supportive. This has happened to me more than once here and it has not been pleasant - I felt that the group from which I came to for support, did anything but support me. There are many important facets of my situation that I wouldn't consider posting here since I am fairly certain of the outcome.  

I mean this with the utmost respect and hope that my remarks are considered to be constructive and helpful for everyone. This is a wonderful site and forum and count my blessings that I came across it.

[ScorpioLaw]

 I came here looking for real answers and opinions from the community. I first lurked for months and then eventually made an account.

However after going through the topics and everything I realize everyone does so much supporting (and more importantly validating)that I'm starting to see it being counter productive in some ways.

I say that because all of us need support sometimes but only if we are correct, no?

On the other hand don't we all need a slap in the face to realize what we are doing, saying, thinking, is wrong for ourselves? I think I came here more to see what "I" can do to be better. Not how I can get support to put down my ex.

None of us have all the answers. Some of us have more experience than others. Some come and go. But it isn't this board about helping everyone involved, in the end?

I'm not sure if it's because it's on the, "Leaving" board but I see maybe a little too much support for it. Too much demonizing... .Not enough understanding, ourselves and whatever situation brought us here. I figured at first that's what I thought this board would be about.

Understanding when we can't do anymore, and how to get out of it.

Instead I see a lot of questionable posts, even from people who have "healed". Mostly about demonizing the disorder we've all come here to learn about in the first place.

I don't know, maybe I'm just against human nature, and especially the greiving process... .I just figured I'd make a post.

[saintgrey]

I was a lurker at first and i felt the support on this forum, like you mention at first we all want to be validated on how we feel and that make us feel better but i also understood that we have part of the blame too that got us involved and continue this r/s.

We all need to discover what made us stick, why we still feel attraction to our former partners even though we got treated so badly in the end to finally improve and don't make the same mistakes.

But in the end we all need to vent at some point 

[once removed]

These are great questions. accepting our responsibility is more than useful to our full recoveries, i think its required.

its important to keep in mind we are all different people coming from very different places and very different relationships, and we are each at very different stages. what works for you may not work for everyone. we do not all respond well to a slap in the face. sometimes gentle is better. it helps to gauge where a person is in their process, too. sometimes people will be more open to accepting their own role further down the road. some wont.

youre right that demonizing the disorder is not useful. what do you mean youre against the grieving process? do you think people shouldnt grieve or should grieve on a timeline?

[gameover]

I'd definitely agree that there's a fair bit of 'enabling' that goes on here--and there are people who luxuriate a little bit in their misery.

On one hand, I think that a lot of people (depending on their self-esteem, life-experience, etc.) come out of their relationship believing it really was all their fault or that they weren't good enough.  These people definitely need some validation that the disorder did play a role.

On the other hand, for some of those same people (after they realize the role BPD played in their relationship) they tend to totally blame the pwBPD.  Oh, so it's not all my fault.  It must be theirs.  Throw in some general codependency--projecting your own values onto the pwBPD, needing to hold others accountable, etc., and you have people that get stuck in this loop for months.

So basically, what we have is 'splitting' and 'black/white thinking' NON style. 

I try to feel people out by their posts.  Some people (guys in particular) need tough love ASAP.  Codependency is a huge turn off for most emotionally healthy women--and a man in a relationship who doesn't have the respect of his partner really doesn't have anything. 

[SGraham]

Every once in awhile we do need a slap in the face, however; i have come to the conclusion that you can get a "slap in the face" from anyone in your life but the only people who can relate and empathise are on this site.

[enlighten me]

I agree that people can be too quick to jump on the band wagon and enable vilification of pwBPD.

What you have to realise is that everyone is different. Not just us so called nons but PW PD's as well.

In the beginning I was BPD basher. My mind couldn't understand how one human being could treat another in such an appalling manner. Now I realise that you cant hold people to your own standards. Everyone is different and everyone has different values.

Part of the healing process is anger and it is in my opinion one of the most useful emotions in the beginning to help us heal. After a while you get beyond the anger and see your own part in the breakdown of the relationship. You begin to understand the turmoil and see the hurt that your SO has to deal with on a daily basis. With greater understanding comes compassion.

I don't hate either of my exs I feel sorry for them. I don't like how they treated me but they did it out of instinct not malice.

There are plenty of people here who have got beyond the hate and have begun to see the bigger picture. We are all at different stages and for some in the beginning they need the emotional crutch that others provide. They need to know that it was beyond their control. They need to release the anger.

You are obviously a compassionate person. With that in mind spare a little for those who aren't as far down the road to recovery as you who need the emotional crutch that blaming their ex supplies. With time and guidance they will be able to see their part in things and learn compassion for their exs.

[HappyNihilist]

People come to these boards in different stages, and process through grieving and detachment. The goal is to encourage and support this process, as individual as it is to each person.

I agree that it's important to encourage people to look within themselves. It's not helpful or healthy to get stuck in a blame spiral, and to not recognize our own contributions to the dysfunction.

A 'slap in the face' isn't always useful. Detaching and healing is a process, and the purest revelations are those we find for ourselves.

I believe in helping guide people towards discovering themselves. Some people and situations are better suited for bluntness and 'tough love.' Others are not.

Codependency is a huge turn off for most emotionally healthy women--and a man in a relationship who doesn't have the respect of his partner really doesn't have anything.  

I would say instead - Codependency is a huge turn off for emotionally healthy people, and a person in a relationship who doesn't respect and have the respect of his/her partner can't hope to achieve authentic intimacy.

[BorisAcusio]

I came here looking for real answers and opinions from the community. I first lurked for months and then eventually made an account.

However after going through the topics and everything I realize everyone does so much supporting (and more importantly validating)that I'm starting to see it being counter productive in some ways.

I say that because all of us need support sometimes but only if we are correct, no?

On the other hand don't we all need a slap in the face to realize what we are doing, saying, thinking, is wrong for ourselves? I think I came here more to see what "I" can do to be better. Not how I can get support to put down my ex.

None of us have all the answers. Some of us have more experience than others. Some come and go. But it isn't this board about helping everyone involved, in the end?

I'm not sure if it's because it's on the, "Leaving" board but I see maybe a little too much support for it. Too much demonizing... .Not enough understanding, ourselves and whatever situation brought us here. I figured at first that's what I thought this board would be about.

Understanding when we can't do anymore, and how to get out of it.

Instead I see a lot of questionable posts, even from people who have "healed". Mostly about demonizing the disorder we've all come here to learn about in the first place.

I don't know, maybe I'm just against human nature, and especially the greiving process... .I just figured I'd make a post.

Very good points, Scorpio. As you already experiencied, if someone is stuck in a vulnerable state of mind where self preservation is at stake, a slap in the face, even if gentle will only force them into a shame ridden defensive position withhout the prospect of getting through any message.

On the other hand, I beleive that we as a support group have the a responsiblity to "intervene" when the members fall into a deep delusional state where reality testing fails and they may unintentioanally harm others. At that point, the message won't get through either way but you can't possibly validate bad behaviour at expense of others.

[FannyB]

For me there were 3 stages to this:

1) Vent

2) Dissect and understand BPD

3) Look at myself.

People on this board are all at different stages of recovery. I don't think you can fast track them to stage 3 - unless they appear 'stuck' to all intents and purposes and need a shove.

There is a separate board on self-awareness that may provide you with the answers you seek if the Leaving Board isn't doing that for you.


Fanny

[balletomane]

I joined this forum because it appears to have the most compassionate attitude to people with BPD out of all the ones I've seen. I stopped using the first forum after just a couple of posts because people tried to tell me that my ex had no good qualities, it was all an act, "BPDs" are just master manipulators and every good thing they ever do is really just for show. That is not true and trying to comfort myself with something so untrue wasn't going to help. So I looked further and came here. The boards as a whole seem to be much more empathetic and kinder in outlook towards people who suffer from this disorder.

Yes, sometimes people do try to pin too much of their partners' behaviour on the disorder, but this could easily be because when you have been with someone who tells you adamantly that black is white and up is down and that you're always in the wrong, it is very easy to lose sight of what is a serious problem and what is just a flaw or an ordinary disagreement. When I was with my ex, I tried to excuse or rationalise away everything he did. I am naturally quite a self-critical person, and through his insistence that I was wrong, abusive, manipulative, selfish, etc. I learned to pick apart my own behaviour for faults that weren't there while glossing over everything he did. Now that I have climbed out of the self-blame and moved away from attempts to rationalise the irrational, I am concerned that I may swing too far the other way and try to attribute everything he did to BPD. It is not an easy position to be in and I suspect that several members here face this issue. I am learning that I need to let go of this desire for explanations and understanding, and just move on as I am. But it is hard to reach this point and I think we need to be understanding towards people who are still at the stage where they see everything through the lens of their partner's BPD (while still emphasising that this is a stage and not a good place to sit in forever).

One thing about the boards that does concern me is that people sometimes seem a bit too trigger-happy when it comes to informally diagnosing other people with BPD. I understand why this is - if you were deeply hurt or even outright traumatised by a BPD partner, anything that reminds you of their behaviour is going to set klaxons wailing. It's a classic PTSD reaction. My nana still feels edgy in thunderstorms because they remind her of the Blitz. But that doesn't mean they actually are the Blitz, and just because you feel triggered doesn't mean that the person who has triggered you has BPD. It is highly unlikely that we are meeting half a dozen people with BPD everywhere we go, yet that is the impression I get from some posts. Again, after a terrible experience it is not easy to break away from that hyper-vigilance and suspicion, but I think it would help us all to at least remember that it's there, otherwise we will go through life in Code Red mode and never be able to move on.

I have been asked some quite challenging questions by other users (albeit in a gentle way). I am ready for that now. There was a time when I wasn't and all I wanted was space to vent and someone to tell me that I was going to be OK. The board has to meet people where they're at, as others have said.

[enlighten me]

Maybe we need a left board as well as a leaving board. Leaving to me means that you are still going through the process. Your in a state of flux swinging from self blame to blaming your SO and trying to piece together what has happened.

A bit further down the line leaving doesn't quite fit for me as Ive left and have found some peace.

Maybe a detached board where self reflection and insight isn't too much for the members.

[ScorpioLaw]

I do think sometimes some tough love, and "snap out of it" would do some people real good. It's hard to explain what I'm getting at because I realize everyone is different. Every single person reacts in different ways.

Maybe there aren't enough naysayers or Devils advocates on this board.

The red flags I see personally are the replies that support to simply support. I was using the BPD demonizing, and ex bashing, as an example of the most common thing I see. It's wrong to classify a whole group of people, period. No matter what justification or pretense. Or wether people understand or not.

Sometimes people are clearly over the top, but I feel like people support them anyway.

I know the people who do it have nothing but good intentions but at the same time I don't think it's always the right thing to do. Validating someone just for the sake of validating their emotions isn't always correct, or sound advice. Or even helpful!

Simply because a lot of people might just use this board a few times and then leave. Who knows what some visitors take away from this, and that's what I'm concerned most about. The people who come on here angry for advice and leave with support for being angry and resentful. What do they do after they come here and don't come back? Things like that worry me. When someone comes on this board obviously filled with anger, resentment, even hate and they come away with 30 post saying how it's all okay.

In my mind that can cause even more damage. (Especially in men.)

What I'm trying to say is that advice and support are not the same thing and we all should be conscious on making that clear. You can support someone while disagreeing with them. Being blunt isn't always a bad thing, and its okay to disagree. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Sunfl0wer]

I do not like when our ex's or any pwBPD in our life is "demonized."  I cannot recall which lesson, however, it is described somewhere as part of the process.  However, we can also succumb to black/white thinking ourselves, and spend more time in the anger stage than is healthy for our own healing. (I honestly think the term "non" itself is a way to separate us from "them" as tho we are "better" however, I admit to use it for practical purposes and ease of understanding.)

I feel, simply painting a pwBPD as "bad" can often be a way to just blaming another, and avoiding the difficult task and the reality of confronting our own issues.

Sometimes I wonder if the concept of participating in a "support forum" lends us to sometimes act more codependently supportive vs therapeutically challenging as we may actually need it.

As most sources of info, I use the philosophy:  Take what I need, leave what I don't.

Sometimes the issue is another cannot discern my need at the moment, however is giving an earnest effort.  Other times, I find that I am not yet receptive to receive what is being offered, and miss important lessons.  I appreciate sometimes rereading things, or how similar issues often resurface... .as while I am growing, I am able to process and digest things differently.  Also, being able to process info from another... .and hear replies of all sorts may have a value in itself.

One of my favorite "themes" of this site, or feelings I get from this place, is that it is apparent that there is effort made for it to be a "safe" and welcome place emotionally.  While, I appreciate being confronted on things, I do have great respect that there is some understanding of behaving in an "emotionally safe" way here.  Many of us have been traumatized greatly by our relationships.  Often this has occurred throughout our lives.  I appreciate that emotional safety seems to be an underlying, unspoken current here.

It is obviously up to you how you use any resource, however, I feel that you may be able to find a way to communicate in your post that you are seeking to be confronted vs coddled and have your needs met... .in a healthy way.

I appreciate that you are an independent thinker and I feel that this type of thinking is a great asset in a forum such as this.  Ultimately, we are all in control and responsible for our growth and learning, which is great!

Keep posting!

~Sunflower

[Suzn]

When someone comes to the boards angry, resentful and full of hate we know what's behind it. Hurt. Anger is a secondary emotion, another emotion is always felt first. There's a difference in validating someone's emotions and agreeing. The goal is to validate and attempt to center extreme emotions. No one can hear you when they are angry and possibly distraught. In a support group being able to empathize is key to helping a fellow member. A hand on someone's shoulder, with respect, when they are angry and hurting might go a lot further than a slap in the face.

Long term co-ruminating is another matter altogether.  

Here is one of the workshops were this is addressed.

SELF-AWARE: Has the anger gone too far?

This may also be helpful.

Things to know about Anger- A Secondary Emotion

[apollotech]

The board is a tool. People come here in different states needing different things. Hopefully, the Board will meet those needs at the correct times (Even, temporarily, demonizing an ex can be healthy as it allows for purging of those negative emotions.).

In my observations of many people here, by following them, they'll move from he/she said or did (pain/anger/confusion/etc. (emotional statements)) to this disorder is horrible (cognitive statements). That's very simplified, but that's the progression into acceptance; it becomes no longer about the "person" but about the disorder. The Board provides for that evolution. If you stay on the boards long enough, you'll see the same stories/questions posted over and over again and the same cycles of recovery repeated.

[problemsolver]

I agree to a certain extent but at the same time if you weren't on a roller coaster ride then you weren't dating or friends with someone with BPD... so many people are really hurt , they've been lied to so many times; BPDex; "I need a boyfriend that stays in and doesn't go out to night clubs" a few weeks later you see her in a night club looking for guys... ."let's get engaged soon" next day - "im leaving for good your scum"... .BPDex - " I'm not going to get in a relationship this break up is to painful" ... starts looking for a replacement immediately. So many people here been half truthed / lied to so many times that , they just become bitter, do you blame them?  Talking is the main form of communication and alot of what someone with BPD says has to be taken with a grain of salt... eventually you just need someone to say "settle down your not crazy my BPDex did the same thing" ... there is a ton of people on this board who have been sold a dream , moved from another state or another country, major life changes trying to "make it work"... so many have been ghosted on , or just received silent treatment... out of the blue... 90 percent of us probably acted very irrational when it happened which only makes it worse which leads to P.O etc... which eventually leads to you questioning your sanity which promptly lands you here where you can read a story that sounds almost identical or someone can drop a comment that just eases your mind to let you know ITS NOT ALL YOUR FAULT... .I believe most take far too much of the blame after these relationships. I understand what your saying... you must take some responsibility but there is so many of us that have stood 10 feet away... which was too close but at the same time too far... dealing with our partners irrational thoughts. It's exhausting man... but like I said I feel most feel overly responsible. . I do in a sense I look back and think if I did this or that we'd still be together.

[Mr Hollande]

JRT makes a very good point. There is an element of one size fits all at times. And if I may add to that. Personally I feel the "Was your relationship ever physically abusive?" poll is a good example of condemnatory terminology and unhelpful responses. I've felt like a bit of a leper here ever since. Also, one member who called me scum in that poll was later made an advisor which hasn't inspired confidence in the process of who is given that trust.

I know I have been argumentative at times but for what it's worth I haven't stated the above to start a fight.

As for the poll I see myself at the "Mentor" stage now. Not that I want to become one. I am fine as I am at the moment.

[Rameses]

Let me just tell everyone you are part of one of the most honest and trustworthy forums I have ever experienced. I received a very uncomfortable trigger provoking post. It just happen to hit me at a time when I am really struggling. It was the first thing I read when I woke up this morning and it punched me right in the gut.

The moderators of this forum took quick and decisive action and removed that post, and sent me a personal message. Just the medicine I needed.

Thank you moderators for keeping this a safe forum to express our experiences!

[Skip]

Wanted to share this…

We haven't talked about this for a while, but how does bpdfamily work?  And when does it fail?

Support Group Objectives Collectively our goal is to help each other process breakups, get to a healthy place, and do it at a higher level of emotional intelligence than we had in the relationship. This is not a stereotype, vent, and bash community. Its a place to be heard and get intelligent conversation on a emotional would we struggle with.

The bpdfamily Model This is a clinical psychology support group (not and urban legend support group).  We depend on more experienced members mentoring newer members in the broken relationship recovery process.  Mentors bring knowledge, centering, perspective, hope, and an understanding of the many differences and nuances in recovery. Any one who has been here a while knows that newbies get a wide berth to experience and release pain, while senior members are held to a higher standard of knowledge, emotional EQ.

Failure Failure happens when more than 20-30% of members are locked in co-rumination and get caught up in the 10 forms of twisted thinking and drama making that are generally associated with depression.  This is characterized by:

1. All-or-nothing thinking

2. Overgeneralization

3. Mental Filter

4. Discounting the positive

5. Jumping to conclusions

6. Magnification

7. Emotional Reasoning

8. "Should" statements

9. Labeling

10. Personalization and Blame

How are we doing as a group? What do we do well?  Where are we weak?

Where do you see yourself in the mentoring continuum (see poll).

[LimboFL]

It isn't what is said, it is how it is said.

We are all on this board because we came out of fairly, sometimes extremely abusive relationships.

I don't validate, I respect and put myself in the others shoes, in that moment but I will still pull the poster in a different direction, if my gut and experience tells me to do so, but I do it as an adviser and not an accuser. This is a place to soothe, not amp emotions up. Nor is this a place for imparting ones morality on others.

We are all adults here. Often times we already know what the answer to our question is before we even post. Sometimes we just want to be heard, get it off our chest and to get affirmation that we already know what's what.

When someone posts a question here, it isn't about you, it's about them.

An example of how it should be, is that there are a number of members here who are quite religious, however, nine times out of ten, I only ever catch that when they say something to the effect of "I prayed last night". In other words, most of them provide input without ever passing judgment on the person they are responding to. I applaud these people. They leave their religion and their judgment, at the door.

Kind and constructive advice is an imperative but it HAS to be delivered with the sole objective of helping the other person and not guiding them to follow your "code".

As JRT correctly stated, I find it quite unfortunate that so many box pwBPD in neat little packages. I have fought against this misconception since I joined this board. I read blanket statements regularly, here. We didn't fall in love with robots, we fell in love with human beings whose lives have been far crappier than ours could ever be. We had to leave to save ourselves but the belief that they are monsters and are all programmed the same is complete nonsense.

My two cents.   

[SGraham]

I came here for two reasons.

1: understand why a relationship i cared about very much spontaneously and inexplicably ended.

2: be able to understand so that i can think of my ex with compassion and understanding despite the immeasurable pain she brought me.

 

[Pretty Woman]

Hi JRT,

   I am sure I am one of those commenters.

I think it comes down to the fact we are:


A) all different with different situations

B) in different stages of healing

I think a lot of comments that come off "gruff" or less understanding are really from people in later stages of recovery from one of these relationships.

I can guarantee everyone is rooting for you. No one means to hurt anyone's pride on here... we've all been hurt enough.

Recently I've been told I sound bitter and angry. I had to re-read some of my postings and I can see how that may be interpreted.

If anything it's frustration. I am frustrated I am still on this site.  Don't get me wrong. There is much value here and support but I first landed here in 2013. I wouldn't say I am significantly further than I was when I first arrived here.

I feel like I am a self-taught expert on a subject I never needed to really know about (BPD). I've read so much stuff. Unfortunately that causes me to analyse everything to the point for awhile I thought I was BPD. The only thing is I know I can rationalize and empathize. Doesn't mean there isn't traits in me though.

I think you have to take everything with a grain of salt here. Again, we are all different people, all different stories and lives.  People just want to see others heal and they want to be healed themselves.

I think we need to be more aware about our comments yet shouldn't be silenced for our opinions as that is what an open forum is all about.

[JRT]

Hi JRT,

   I am sure I am one of those commenters.

I think it comes down to the fact we are:


A) all different with different situations

B) in different stages of healing

I think a lot of comments that come off "gruff" or less understanding are really from people in later stages of recovery from one of these relationships.

I can guarantee everyone is rooting for you. No one means to hurt anyone's pride on here... we've all been hurt enough.

Recently I've been told I sound bitter and angry. I had to re-read some of my postings and I can see how that may be interpreted.

If anything it's frustration. I am frustrated I am still on this site.  Don't get me wrong. There is much value here and support but I first landed here in 2013. I wouldn't say I am significantly further than I was when I first arrived here.

I feel like I am a self-taught expert on a subject I never needed to really know about (BPD). I've read so much stuff. Unfortunately that causes me to analyse everything to the point for awhile I thought I was BPD. The only thing is I know I can rationalize and empathize. Doesn't mean there isn't traits in me though.

I think you have to take everything with a grain of salt here. Again, we are all different people, all different stories and lives.  People just want to see others heal and they want to be healed themselves.

I think we need to be more aware about our comments yet shouldn't be silenced for our opinions as that is what an open forum is all about.

PW ... .I am familiar with your posts and don't recall taking any issue with them on my threads or otherwise. In addition, I do realize that there are some folks here that might be posting through a bitter lens... .i Recognize those.

However, I am most referring to a PC sort of doctrine of how one must behave post b/u and such, there IS a strong culture of that here. I have gone with my instinct on certain things in the wake of my r/s and have been pilloried for doing so here more than once. I can recall my last post where i asked a very specific question about HER motives for certain behavior and the vast majority of the 20 or 30 replies questioned/condemned MY motives! The experience was exhausting and it left me with little or no interest in ever posting again (it had happened several times prior).

[Skip]

I remember when I came here (under different management). I had a few "kick her to the curb threads" which were annoying / upsetting to me. I then learned to make it clear in my OP what I was asking for - and soon members got on-board with that.

The organization here doesn't support formula solutions or over generalizing. But we will always have some member write that "NC is the golden rule" or "all people with BPD cheat", or… We have to manage our threads. Sometime we have to send a few PM requests or even ask for staff help.

One size fits all is not what bpdfamily is about.

[gameover]

There have been times that I've been frustrated/disillusioned by posters that seem stuck in a sort of feedback loop--and in those cases it becomes a cycle of soliciting pity, being pitied, feeling pitiable, repeat.  But at the same time, I recognize that a lot of these people don't have the same coping mechanisms or perspectives that I might have access to.  

I don't think my pity does them any good and just reinforces that cycle; but my outside perspective might.  Not blaming or shaming per se; but I think it's important to hold each other accountable.  Each of us are responsible for our roles in these relationships.  BPD will do what it does, but unless we're willing to examine our reactions, our motives, and our personal issues then we won't be able to learn anything from this.  Sometimes to challenge each other to look beyond our own self-limited (often damaging) perspectives instead of always reinforcing them.

That said, over the last month or two, I've had the pleasure of watching the evolution of some of the members here.  I see them develop perspective; some of the people have moved beyond the self-pity cycle and are trying to pull others out with them.  That's awesome.  That's why I'm still here.  

[hurting300]

The no contact thing bothers me. Some of the posters here have the nerve to ask "why is my ex blowing up my phone" well, have a backbone and tell them how you feel in a controlled environment.

[Reforming]

Thanks JRT. Really good thread with a great range of perspectives

I agree with a lot of what's being said by various posters. I think there is a fine line between enabling and constructive support, but I think that people come here with very different experiences, different levels of maturity and emotional intelligence.

Sometimes I read posters describing and justifying behaviour that makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. But challenging someone too soon or trying to force them be accountable often does more harm than good.

Going back to the original question

Are we here to learn and become emotionally more mature?

Yes I think this one of BPD Family's greatest strengths

This site has been a huge help to me and thanks to its support and information, therapy and a fair bit of work on my part I feel a lot more grown up and self aware than I did when I first came here.

This community fostered that growth and I'm very grateful, but at the end of the day you get out what you put in

Reforming

[Panda39]

For me there were 3 stages to this:

1) Vent

2) Dissect and understand BPD

3) Look at myself.

I think that all of these things can go on simultaneously (I've done them all simultaneously), depending on what's going on at home with the pwBPD in your life, the subject of the tread you are on, or your own introspection etc... .

I sometimes don't post because I feel that I will be too blunt.  I'm your average person with an opinion and personal experience I am not a therapist... .I want to do no harm so I push my own mute button.  But I also find myself extremely frustrated by people just spinning in the same circle for months and sometimes years on end.  There are some people that are stuck on vent... .ask for help or advice and never take it... .want the people here to solve everything for them... .they are probably some of the people that need the most assistance from the folks here but I feel like it's just banging my head against a wall... .I feel compassion for them and helplessness in my ability to make a difference.

The no contact thing bothers me. Some of the posters here have the nerve to ask "why is my ex blowing up my phone" well, have a backbone and tell them how you feel in a controlled environment.

I think NC can be a good tool but it feels like some here use it as a punishment for their ex, or an endurance challenge not a tool for some separation between you and the ex or a way out of the FOG or putting distance between you and abuse all ways in which I think it could be helpful.

Hi JRT,

   I am sure I am one of those commenters.

I think it comes down to the fact we are:


A) all different with different situations

B) in different stages of healing

I think a lot of comments that come off "gruff" or less understanding are really from people in later stages of recovery from one of these relationships.

I can guarantee everyone is rooting for you. No one means to hurt anyone's pride on here... we've all been hurt enough.

Recently I've been told I sound bitter and angry. I had to re-read some of my postings and I can see how that may be interpreted.

If anything it's frustration. I am frustrated I am still on this site.  Don't get me wrong. There is much value here and support but I first landed here in 2013. I wouldn't say I am significantly further than I was when I first arrived here.

I feel like I am a self-taught expert on a subject I never needed to really know about (BPD). I've read so much stuff. Unfortunately that causes me to analyse everything to the point for awhile I thought I was BPD. The only thing is I know I can rationalize and empathize. Doesn't mean there isn't traits in me though.

I think you have to take everything with a grain of salt here. Again, we are all different people, all different stories and lives.  People just want to see others heal and they want to be healed themselves.

I think we need to be more aware about our comments yet shouldn't be silenced for our opinions as that is what an open forum is all about.

I agree with the above quote 

I should preface this with my SO has an uBPDxw I was not in a relationship with someone with BPD but one of the strangest things on the boards to me are the people that wait for a recycle?  Asking how long it takes?  It makes me sad that someone would wait for/wish for the dysfunctional cycle to begin again. 

At the end of the day all I can say is these boards have helped me, with the anger I arrived here with, giving me practical tools and concepts that have helped me support my SO and his daughters in relation to the uBPDxw, and allowed me to look at situations and patterns in my own live that have helped improve my self esteem.

I want to give some of that back to others and my intentions are good and I believe that about the other members here.

Panda39

[hurting300]

For me there were 3 stages to this:

1) Vent

2) Dissect and understand BPD

3) Look at myself.

I think that all of these things can go on simultaneously (I've done them all simultaneously), depending on what's going on at home with the pwBPD in your life, the subject of the tread you are on, or your own introspection etc... .

I sometimes don't post because I feel that I will be too blunt.  I'm your average person with an opinion and personal experience I am not a therapist... .I want to do no harm so I push my own mute button.  But I also find myself extremely frustrated by people just spinning in the same circle for months and sometimes years on end.  There are some people that are stuck on vent... .ask for help or advice and never take it... .want the people here to solve everything for them... .they are probably some of the people that need the most assistance from the folks here but I feel like it's just banging my head against a wall... .I feel compassion for them and helplessness in my ability to make a difference.

The no contact thing bothers me. Some of the posters here have the nerve to ask "why is my ex blowing up my phone" well, have a backbone and tell them how you feel in a controlled environment.

I think NC can be a good tool but it feels like some here use it as a punishment for their ex, or an endurance challenge not a tool for some separation between you and the ex or a way out of the FOG or putting distance between you and abuse all ways in which I think it could be helpful.

Hi JRT,

   I am sure I am one of those commenters.

I think it comes down to the fact we are:


A) all different with different situations

B) in different stages of healing

I think a lot of comments that come off "gruff" or less understanding are really from people in later stages of recovery from one of these relationships.

I can guarantee everyone is rooting for you. No one means to hurt anyone's pride on here... we've all been hurt enough.

Recently I've been told I sound bitter and angry. I had to re-read some of my postings and I can see how that may be interpreted.

If anything it's frustration. I am frustrated I am still on this site.  Don't get me wrong. There is much value here and support but I first landed here in 2013. I wouldn't say I am significantly further than I was when I first arrived here.

I feel like I am a self-taught expert on a subject I never needed to really know about (BPD). I've read so much stuff. Unfortunately that causes me to analyse everything to the point for awhile I thought I was BPD. The only thing is I know I can rationalize and empathize. Doesn't mean there isn't traits in me though.

I think you have to take everything with a grain of salt here. Again, we are all different people, all different stories and lives.  People just want to see others heal and they want to be healed themselves.

I think we need to be more aware about our comments yet shouldn't be silenced for our opinions as that is what an open forum is all about.

I agree with the above quote 

I should preface this with my SO has an uBPDxw I was not in a relationship with someone with BPD but one of the strangest things on the boards to me are the people that wait for a recycle?  Asking how long it takes?  It makes me sad that someone would wait for/wish for the dysfunctional cycle to begin again. 

At the end of the day all I can say is these boards have helped me, with the anger I arrived here with, giving me practical tools and concepts that have helped me support my SO and his daughters in relation to the uBPDxw, and allowed me to look at situations and patterns in my own live that have helped improve my self esteem.

I want to give some of that back to others and my intentions are good and I believe that about the other members here.

Panda39

The key to it is (tell them) don't just up and disappear with no explanation. Once someone crosses that line they are no better than the abuser in my eyes.