Have you discovered what makes you attracted to pwBPD ? I think its possible you enjoy the high of the adorations and the need to help others, i think we all are and thats why a lot of us have fantasies with our ex.
I have. I spent the last 3 years of my life being self aware and healing. For some reason, no matter how consciously aware I am, my subconscious is still the little girl who was hurt by her mother and acts out the lonely child role. I'll eventually see what's happening and set boundaries, but for the most part, it is frustrating. I feel like I work so hard to understand, but I'm hardwired to be this way a.k.a. only talking to crazy men when I do find someone that catches my eye.
Its like a drug. My psychiatrist recently put me on stimulants because of lack of drive/motivation following my breakup and I quit after a couple of months because they were destroying my life, making me way too aggressive, making my muscles tense up. After I quit I had the -exact- same thoughts about taking it that I have about my past relationship. Maybe it wasn't so bad, maybe I should try again but only a little bit. Its ridiculous. What you're experiencing I experienced, and its part of a withdrawal from high-intensity. Try to find something calming that brings you into your center. I hear adult coloring books are great.
You bring up some great points! I will definitely keep in mind focusing on things that bring me peace!
