Stop stalking me (Why aren't you stalking me?)

[GreenEyedMonster]

I was dumped by my exBPD.  We had a minor fight and he cut me off and blocked me on all social media.  When I talked to mutual friends, he followed up with a letter saying he never wanted to hear from me again.

We share a lot of mutual friends and a social media website we use to organize our gatherings.  I followed up by doing the opposite of what he expected -- not contacting him at all, avoiding him religiously on the website, and doing my best to disappear overall.

Interesting things happened when I disappeared.

He had been RSVPing to events and describing his whereabouts in comments.  As soon as my presence dwindled down to one event on one active list, he began joining many of the other lists I'm on, presumably so that he could see my whereabouts -- a benefit he had lost when I disappeared.

But here's the interesting part.  He had been attending many events up until I disappeared.  When I stopped RSVPing, so did he.  I don't want to overanalyze here, but it seems consistent with BPD to assume that he might have been *hoping* I would show up to one of the events he was attending so that he could have a chance to see me again without having to risk my rejection.  It almost seems like I have triggered his abandonment fears by being entirely indifferent to seeing him again.  And the thing about him joining my other lists?  That happened after this.

I'm just theorizing now, but maybe he won't RSVP for things anymore because he is hoping I will sign up too, and he gets disappointed every time.

So, am I crazy, or does it seem like this guy was fishing for some kind of reunion he didn't get?  Has anyone else had an experience where a BPD partner hoped you would chase them after they broke up with you?

[shatra]

Can you clarify the events/timeline a bit?  He was joining lists you are on after you broke up?  And he had been RSVPing but when you stopped he stopped?  He had been attending events but stopped?

   Is he checking your social media or is he blocked?

[GreenEyedMonster]

He broke up with me and blocked me on social media.

Two weeks later got angry that I had talked to mutual friends.  Said it was over.

Two weeks later, I disappeared from the only social media where I wasn't totally blocked.

His appearance on the site had declined almost in perfect synchronization with mine.

Then he started joining the same lists where he can see me.

Hope that helps.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Yes, he could be attempting a reunion, or he failed at securing a new supply (relationship) and had to resort to checking up on you out of fear of being alone.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Yes, he could be attempting a reunion, or he failed at securing a new supply (relationship) and had to resort to checking up on you out of fear of being alone.

There is little chance that he has new supply.  He is not attractive to most women and in the past has only dated women who ask him out first.  (He's a hermit.)  I initiated our relationship as well.  If he waits for a girl to ask him out, he'll wait a long time.

The way he treated me, you would never in a million years imagine that he'd fear losing me.  He pretty much drop-kicked me to the moon.  I get that pwBPD do this, but it's still a strange thing to witness.  I'm still blocked on all social media except that one.  It's interesting, though, that after the breakup he socialized like crazy, and now a few weeks later, he seems almost reclusive.  If I had to guess, he thought that he could fill the hole up with a lot of activities, and it's just not working.  It's not surprising, as I was easily the most stable and gratifying thing in his life.  It would be hard to find anything that would compare to what we had, even another relationship.

My gut feeling is that he has been watching me for a week or so, keeping track of where I am in case he wants to see me in person.  When it looked like the opportunity might pass, he panicked, and I got an "extinction burst" of activity as he gave an extra push to make sure he could find me.  I suppose that if he's concerned about whether or not he can see me, it's really a matter of time before he does.  I've predicted that he'll attempt a recycle before Halloween, but we'll see.

[JRT]

I have often wondered this about mine... .we got engaged and she then moved in... .3 weeks later she moved out while I was away for work and notified me via text... .like you, she cut me off from contact and told me to never contact her again... .but then I caught her stalking me from a dummy account on FB... .then I began to receive 'silent calls' sometimes 4 in a day... .then a friend began to receive weird texts and so on and so on.

Mine had a lawyer send a nasty letter to me threatening a PPO against me if I ever contacted her again (despite there being ZERO substantiation to do so)... .at the time I decided to respect her boundaries and not reach out... .doing some creeping of my own after the fact, I saw that one of her GF's had posted a meme on her FB wall only a week afterwards that read "If after you run from them and they don't come running after you; keep running away" (how do you like this for successful relationship advice?). It was likely more than just happenstance - I think that this is how mine had read it.

[Suspicious1]

We have similar experiences, GEM. Social media between us is virtually blocked (not literally, but we are not "friends" and both our profiles are non-public so there is practically nothing that can be seen - rubbish for stalking), but there is one site where, like yours, there are groups and events that can be RSVPd to.

Like you, I have suspected that he's RSVPing to events either in the hopes that we'll bump into each other, or even (and I think quite likely) RSVPing to events without ever intending to go, and then perhaps asking the friends who have been there if I turned up. I think he'd love it if he could claim I was stalking him, and I think he may use it to test the water and see if I'm going to show up at things he's at in general. He has done this for a couple of events that I've never been to but have friends who attend, and which are very local to me so could be within my social sphere.

On the other hand he sometimes doesn't RSVP to events but turns up anyway. He's done this at an event that I quite often go to (but on that occasion didn't, so I missed him). Perhaps he kept it quiet so I wouldn't know he was going and therefore wouldn't show up? Or perhaps it was the opposite. Or neither. Who knows.

But yes, it's curious that it happens. Personally I suspect he is RSVPing and not showing up, then asking friends if I was there, to see if I'm stalking him or not.

Thus far I've totally avoided going to anything he's been to. I can't do it forever and one day it's inevitable we'll be in the same place at the same time. But right now I'm still keeping my distance.

[GreenEyedMonster]

But yes, it's curious that it happens. Personally I suspect he is RSVPing and not showing up, then asking friends if I was there, to see if I'm stalking him or not.

Yes, I suspect mine is testing me too.  I knew that he played mind games like this with other people, and especially with his only other exgf.  I think it's more than just wanting to know if we are "stalking" -- it's wanting to know if we are still interested in them.  I think the objective of pwBPD is always to maintain control of the relationship.  Not maliciously, but because their insecurities run so deep that having another person in control of their emotional well-being feels too risky.  The point isn't always that they want to be in a relationship with us; they want to know that we are there and available regardless of their feelings about us at the moment.

I think my ex is definitely at this point.  When he broke up with me, I think he was already torn and hoping that he could keep me "on the line" by being friends.  He got more angry and put more distance between us, and I think I'm slowly becoming an unknown value in his mind.  He's finding out that a lot of assumptions he made about my availability after the breakup are not quite what he had in mind, and he now lacks the ability to find out any more information without having to put himself out there.  The fact that he revealed himself on the website so brazenly shows that he's going down the path of taking a little risk.

My personal theory is that pwBPD can't tolerate not knowing where they stand with someone.  At any given time, they have to know where their reliable bonding prospects are.  I think that not knowing causes such discomfort that it drives them to take action to find out.  They will either "blow up" a relationship as a test to see if the other person really cares, go hot and cold and play mind games, or do things like our exes and let us know where they are in the hopes that we will show up. 

I think my ex's brain is probably acting like a rock tumbler about now, trying to figure out if I'm not stalking him because I respect his boundaries (like he asked me to) or because I just don't care enough.  I think that eventually not knowing for sure will push him to see me in person and find out.  The sooner the better.

[goateeki]

Your belief seems reasonable. 

My ex wife said the most horrible things that one human could say to another during MC, things designed to completely invalidate me and our 19 year marriage. Anyone hearing them would conclude that they were designed to inflict maximum damage and any reasonable person would know that you can't hope to recover a relationship after saying such things. 

So I divorced her six months after this major dysregulated episode (at the beginning of which we started MC).

She moved out about seven months later and called me to yell at me for putting only six months into marriage counseling and told me that she loved me.

We have two young children together so we have to speak.  I also let her know of my travel, in case something happens to the kids or I die abroad or something.  Last week I emailed her the itinerary of the trip that my girlfriend and I are taking to Hawaii and NZ for Christmas and New Year's. 

She hasn't talked to me since.  We all know the book I Hate You Don't Leave Me.  I'm convinced that this is a real phenomenon, though it's virtually impossible for me to understand it.  Behavior like this is unfathomable to me.  If I love someone, I do my best to treat them right and I hope that they'll always be in my life -- that simple.  It's like pwBPD (my ex wife was diagnosed) really have no ability to manage feelings at all, either feelings of love or feelings of disconnection.  They just don't know how to respond in a healthy way to feelings -- they always shoot for the most unhealthy thing a person could do. 

[GreenEyedMonster]

She hasn't talked to me since.  We all know the book I Hate You Don't Leave Me.  I'm convinced that this is a real phenomenon, though it's virtually impossible for me to understand it.  Behavior like this is unfathomable to me.  If I love someone, I do my best to treat them right and I hope that they'll always be in my life -- that simple.  It's like pwBPD (my ex wife was diagnosed) really have no ability to manage feelings at all, either feelings of love or feelings of disconnection.  They just don't know how to respond in a healthy way to feelings -- they always shoot for the most unhealthy thing a person could do. 

I almost get the feeling that with these individuals' core shame, it's like they need to show us their worst and still be loved or they don't believe we love them at all.  My ex was constantly trotting skeletons out of his closet to "test" me and see if I'd stick with him -- his financial woes, drug use, other parts of his past.  If you begin with the belief that when someone finds out how bad you are, they will leave, it gives you an incentive to show yourself at your worst.

I have been there, too, and felt the need to show my worst to people before the relationship got too far.  There is a balance, I guess, in being truthful about your shortcomings and "blowing up" a relationship, that pwBPD can't really find.  I have become self-aware enough that I recognize my abandonment/engulfment fears for what they are and try to find ways to manage them that minimally affect my partners.  That's a difficult skill, though, and pwBPD have an even bigger challenge to surmount.

[shatra]

GEM

It sounds like yes he is putting out feelers and kind of indirectly stalking to see your interest

Suspisious wrote

I think he'd love it if he could claim I was stalking him, and I think he may use it to test the water and see if I'm going to show up at things he's at in general

   --This sounds like he is putting out feelers toward you. Why would he love it if he thought you were stalking him?  Would it make him feel wanted by you?  I read about this often---the BPD accuses the other person of "stalking" even when they are not... .It's as if the BPD would like that... .I'm not sure why?


   

[GreenEyedMonster]

He's got it down to just one event where I could even see him.  I guess that's where he wants me to go?   

A big part of me wants to just take the bait now and see what happens.  He might bail on me, but I'm far beyond taking what he does personally.

At any rate, it's the only way I can contact him without officially contacting him and breaking the "rules" he set out for me.  Not that it's guaranteed that he won't use it against me, but you never know, there's always a chance.  Meeting him with a group of friends for a drink is probably the most non-threatening way to make contact, so I guess maybe it's worth a try.

I initiated everything in the relationship -- first date, first kiss, holding hands.  He never said he loved me because I never said it.  I have a funny feeling he's waiting on me for this one too.

Now, to figure out whether I want him in my life as more than a friend . . .

[SGraham]

Yeah im sure my ex thinks im a total creep because I reached out to her friends who i already knew. Jeeze could i be more crazy *sarcasm*

[Ripped Heart]

It's something I had to contend with in navigating around my exN/BPDw after our split. She tried to file stalking charges against me despite the fact I wasn't even in the same country at the time. Obviously that fell flat. Since then she has reached out many times wanting me to speak to her in one regard and then the next, I get a barrage of nasty emails. The latest actually being today despite the fact it's been 3 years now and she's blocked on everything else.

It's a game, a dangerous one at that. Every so often she creates a new FB profile in her own name because she knows I will see she has been looking but when I block it, I get the accusations from her over stalking because I've obviously gone to that page to block it.

Today's outburst is because she had been somewhere for the last 3 months (mental health unit?) and I didn't care enough to notice. This is despite being several thousand miles away and not having any contact with her for 3 years. Also its been 7 months since her last round of nasty emails to me and my family just after her birthday because nobody contacted her to wish her a happy birthday.

It's insanity at its finest but that's what makes it heartbreaking because these things are done out of desperation and just seem so backwards. It leaves us not knowing and trying to navigate a minefield in predicting the unpredictable.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I guess that'e the risk.  If I reach out, he could just use my actions to paint me blacker than black.  He might be baiting me so that he can justify his hatred of me.

I have a feeling, though, that his need for companionship is going to trump his need for me to go away.

[shatra]

S Graham wrote

Yeah im sure my ex thinks im a total creep because I reached out to her friends who i already knew.

----It's as if they want to be "possessive"  of the friends. Why would she be upset because you reach out to mutual friends?

Ripped wrote

Every so often she creates a new FB profile in her own name because she knows I will see she has been looking but when I block it, I get the accusations from her over stalking because I've obviously gone to that page to block it.

------Can you share details on this?  She knows you will see she has been looking at your profile with her new FB profile?  How would you know? Through your "suggested friends/people you may know list?   

Also, how would she know you blocked her  (unless she is trying to search for you and can't, since she is now blocked)?

    It sounds like she is either projecting the "stalking" and accusing you of what she is doing, or that she wants you to stalk her. Is there another reason?

[GreenEyedMonster]

S Graham wrote

Yeah im sure my ex thinks im a total creep because I reached out to her friends who i already knew.

----It's as if they want to be "possessive"  of the friends. Why would she be upset because you reach out to mutual friends?

BPD is about shame.  If a person describes the pwBPD's misdeeds to mutual friends, the friends become triggers, and the pwBPD becomes more isolated.  Just a theory.

[shatra]

GEM wrote

(It's as if they want to be "possessive"  of the friends. Why would she be upset because you reach out to mutual friends?)

BPD is about shame.  If a person describes the pwBPD's misdeeds to mutual friends, the friends become triggers, and the pwBPD becomes more isolated.  Just a theory.

----True.  But what about when the non has not described the BP's misdeeds.  The BPD still doesn't want the non to have contact with their mutual friends---I'm not sure why.

[JRT]

  The BPD still doesn't want the non to have contact with their mutual friends---I'm not sure why.[/quote]
To that end, mine unfriended all mutual friends on social media and demanded that all of her friends do the same. Its one of the elements to the episode that I have struggled to understand.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Mine has maintained Facebook ties with all of our mutual friends.  Frankly, I think that he never planned on dumping me forever, and since he had never dumped someone before except in a LDR, he had no idea that our friends might take sides.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I was thinking about this as I was lying in bed this morning.

My ex, when things were good, had a pervasive pattern of setting up boundaries he hoped people would break.

-When I first met him, he told me that all the women who were interested in him were crazy, he got stalked all the time, he had been so badly violated by his past relationship that he didn't trust any women, and that he wasn't ready to date again.  He then proceeded to tell me where he was every Thursday night.  When I showed up, magically he was ready to trust women and date again.  Essentially I had to be a stalker to win him over in the first place, and ignore everything he *said* about the situation.

-In the bedroom, he sent lots of mixed messages.  He shared with me that he enjoyed being "submissive."  He would often bring up the subject of pain/BDSM in a frightened kind of way, like, "You don't like BDSM, do you?" accompanied by a horrified look.  At one point early in the relationship, he invited me to "violate" him any way I wished.  He then told me of the "terrifying" dominatrix women he's met and how he was terrified of becoming a "sex slave."  If I did something that caused a little pain, he'd encourage it.  In hindsight, and to some extent in the moment, it really does seem like he wished that I would push his boundaries here, too.  For someone so scared of BDSM, he talked about it pretty often.  It almost seemed like he had a *fantasy* of being a sex slave.

-Maybe this is me being crazy, but the letter he sent me when I continued to pursue him after the breakup almost seemed to encourage it.  It was worded almost like a challenge.  He is an incredibly stubborn person who does the exact opposite that people expect of him most of the time, so maybe he's projecting that on to me, and hoping that reverse psychology will result in me pursuing him again.

-He made himself very visibly available to me after the relationship ended, but when I didn't take the bait, he has all but disappeared, even at the expense of his social life.  Like one of the earlier posters, he'd sign up for events and then decide not to go at the last minute, sometimes sharing details about his whereabouts for which I was probably the intended audience.

-He left an extremely valuable item in my possession, probably worth more than his car.  He had an opportunity to address how to get it back to him in the letter he sent, but he didn't.  He just left it out there.  Maybe he is hoping I'll go to great lengths to return it.

Conclusion:  I think this guy WANTS to be stalked.

When you think about it, if I pursue him again, that's validation that what he did to me wasn't really, really bad.  It's proof that I'm a strong person who will fight for him.  It's proof that I forgive him.

Hmmmm.

[JQ]

S Graham wrote

Yeah im sure my ex thinks im a total creep because I reached out to her friends who i already knew.

----It's as if they want to be "possessive"  of the friends. Why would she be upset because you reach out to mutual friends?

BPD is about shame.  If a person describes the pwBPD's misdeeds to mutual friends, the friends become triggers, and the pwBPD becomes more isolated.  Just a theory.

Green Eyes,

BPD is about shame in part ... .and if a BPD needs to control the relationship for their own sake ... .would a PBD tell misdeeds to mutual friends & family of the NON as a way to isolate the partner from family & friends in order to keep the NON more to themselves and not share them? Just a thought ... .

[patientandclear]

GEM, I think the pattern you're pointing to (wanting to be stalked/pursued despite having said they want it to be over/others stalk them etc) is common.

After we broke up, I re-established contact with my ex after nearly a year of NC.  My approach was that I never initiated the communication, I waited for him to show me he wanted to be in touch.  This wasn't a particularly healthy stance on my part -- it was how I decided to manage my rejection trauma.  Anyway, after a while he commented on this.  He said he'd like it if I would ask him to do things.  I considered this, and eventually, started to do that (I was feeling a little stronger and also, had to concede that in a healthy r/s I would also feel free to initiate).

Ha!  Everything I asked to do, he said no to.

But then a few days later, he'd suggest more or less the same thing.

At first I wondered what the point was, in that case.  We were still back to only doing stuff he suggested.

But then I saw that he gets something valuable out of saying no to me.

One of my friends says my ex is married to control, and I think that's accurate.  Like yours, mine had lots of stories of being mysteriously pursued by crazy women (I am probably one of those now despite long stretches in which our lack of contact has been my decision).

I now realize that he was not the least bit unhappy about the sense of being pursued by people he was saying no to.  In many ways it's his optimal state.

Now, accepting all of that: what does it suggest about the prospects for a meaningful relationship with this person?

[GreenEyedMonster]

One of my friends says my ex is married to control, and I think that's accurate.  Like yours, mine had lots of stories of being mysteriously pursued by crazy women (I am probably one of those now despite long stretches in which our lack of contact has been my decision).

Now, accepting all of that: what does it suggest about the prospects for a meaningful relationship with this person?

Yes, "married to control" is a great way of putting it.  The push/pull cycle is less complicated than most people think, IMO.  It is a control cycle.  If you get too close, the pwBPD needs to prove that he's still in control by pushing you away.  If you get too far away, the pwBPD needs to prove that he's still in control by pulling you closer.  The looming question in the mind of a pwBPD at any given moment is whether or not they can get their emotional needs met, and they will take whatever action is necessary to know for sure that they can.  They can't tolerate just knowing in the back of their mind that they could politely ask for what they need -- they have to KNOW.

Things like my ex's current actions are an attempt to find that out, despite the fact that he probably doesn't want to be in a relationship with me right now.  If it seems like he can't get me back and can't find a replacement, I expect his actions to get increasingly urgent.  He'll need to know that he can get his needs met.  

My ex had taken some kind of course on how to pick up women (not that it helped him much).  He said one of the things he learned in the class that had changed his mindset is that you can't MAKE a woman be attracted to you.  He was approaching women with the mentality that he could manipulate the situation to get them to meet his emotional needs.  This does not surprise me at all.  In fact, by the time he met me, he was taking the entirely opposite approach, only paying attention to women who showed a great deal of interest in him first.

I think it's possible to have a "meaningful" relationship with a pwBPD, but probably not a "stable" or "healthy" one.  IMO they really do love nons and want to be in a stable and happy relationship, but the need to "check" for control and test their partner is so strong that it is bound to come up and put a wrench in the relationship.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I now realize that he was not the least bit unhappy about the sense of being pursued by people he was saying no to.  In many ways it's his optimal state.

Sorry for the double post, but I was just thinking about this, and this is the core of triangulation behavior too.  It's as if having one person to say no to makes it easier to say yes to another person. 

My ex is a hermit, so he can actually triangulate me with no one.  I imagine him saying to himself, "If this relationship is even the least bit bad, I like being alone, so I'll just leave."  The only reason he *thinks* he likes being alone is because he has a girlfriend he can leave.  Once he loses the feeling of *choosing* to be with me or *choosing* to be alone, it becomes less appealing.  So it goes back to that idea of control.  As long as the pwBPD feels like s/he is making a CHOICE to be with you, it feels good.  The minute it doesn't feel like a choice anymore on their part, they become distressed or lose interest.

If I go NC or move on, it will feel he is not alone by choice anymore, and suddenly it won't look so good.  This only works, of course, if he has no other realistic options for replacements.  Judging by his behavior, my ex is realizing -- albeit slowly -- that being alone isn't his choice at the moment, because I have other things going on in my life.

It seems like one of the worst things you can do to save your relationship with a pwBPD is to let them triangulate you by remaining constantly available after a breakup.

[SGraham]

S Graham wrote

Yeah im sure my ex thinks im a total creep because I reached out to her friends who i already knew.

----It's as if they want to be "possessive"  of the friends. Why would she be upset because you reach out to mutual friends?

BPD is about shame.  If a person describes the pwBPD's misdeeds to mutual friends, the friends become triggers, and the pwBPD becomes more isolated.  Just a theory.

Yeah i think that's a fair assessment, it just sucks because all our mutual friends have alienated the sht out of me.   

[shatra]

gem wrote

Maybe this is me being crazy, but the letter he sent me when I continued to pursue him after the breakup almost seemed to encourage it.

------What was the letter about? Telling you not to pursue him?  Telling you he didn't like the idea of you pursuing him? 

   If so, he might actually be wanting you to pursue him

[GreenEyedMonster]

------What was the letter about? Telling you not to pursue him?  Telling you he didn't like the idea of you pursuing him?  

  If so, he might actually be wanting you to pursue him

Yep, the letter was to tell me to respect his privacy and boundaries and not contact him.  The whole thing smelled like bait to me.

However, I don't think he's doing it because he wants to get back together with me.  He is doing it to triangulate me -- to reassure himself that he has the choice to get back together with me if he wants.  He is a hermit type, so I joke that he triangulates me with his pets.  He can tolerate being alone right now because he thinks he could go back to me if he likes.  If that possibility goes away, things will get interesting.

[Suspicious1]

   --This sounds like he is putting out feelers toward you. Why would he love it if he thought you were stalking him?  Would it make him feel wanted by you?  I read about this often---the BPD accuses the other person of "stalking" even when they are not... .It's as if the BPD would like that... .I'm not sure why?

   

My ex had a real thing about being the dumper, not the dumpee. I'm guessing this was all linked to his fear of abandonment, because he would often end the relationship with me if he thought I was going to do it first. When our relationship ended for good it was me who walked away, and he distanced himself from me very quickly as if he needed to put me in his past as fast as possible. He'd often told me he'd never been left before, he was always the one to do the leaving. The fact that I did it to him may have been a huge blow to his self-esteem. The way he talked about it was as if it were a point of pride, as if it were about saving face. But given the disorder, I wonder if it was more to do with abandonment, and being able to convince himself that people hadn't really abandoned him.

In any case, I remember him saying to me once "without wanting to blow my own trumpet, people find it really difficult to get over me. Even my wife who claimed to hate me for 20 years still can't let me go". He would like to be able to tell people, especially people in our social circle, that I was stalking him and couldn't get over him. In part, I think he feels it raises his value - he was obsessed with being in or out of someone else's "league", and if he could show an ex was obsessed with him, I believe he'd feel it showed everyone else what a catch he was, as well as help to convince others that he was the one who made the decision to leave the relationship.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Suspicious1, IMO what you are describing is a form of triangulation.  It is a form of self-deception for sure, but it sounds like he consoles himself by telling himself that he has lots of options.  I think that pwBPD don't feel secure unless they think they have a lot of options.  The idea of needing just one person is terrifying.

My ex is failing to find a replacement, undoubtedly very lonely and directionless, and not coincidentally, taking a new interest in where I am and who I'm with.  All of his options -- the tons of other women out there and enjoying being alone -- are turning out not to be viable.  We'll see how long it takes him to show up again.

I think being the "dumper" as opposed to the "dumpee" gives a false sense of power.  It leaves the "dumper" believing that s/he can get the other person back if s/he pleases, leaving the door open for triangulation.

I imagine my ex's thought patterns evolving something like this:

-"I like being alone.  I could always get GEM back, but I don't want her -- she's crazy.  There are plenty of fish in the sea."

-"Being alone isn't all that great, but there's that cute girl from the bar who Facebook friended me when I was with GEM.  I'll check her out tonight.  I could always call GEM back, but yeah, she's crazy."

-"Well, I guess it wasn't meant to be with the cute girl in the bar.  But she's just one person.  There are a lot of other girls out there.  And I think maybe I could get GEM back."

-"Finding someone is harder than I thought.  But you know, being alone isn't that bad.  I think I could call GEM back.  Maybe I should look.  Is GEM still single?"

-"Whew, GEM is still single.  I am going to go to the bar tonight and see if I meet anyone."

-"This is the third time this week I've checked to see if GEM is still single . . . "