Boyfriend wants to talk, but he is insisting only in an online game

[Depression = 72% of members]

Boyfriend wants to talk. Negotiate. Try to be calm with each other and talk about "nice" things. He doesn't want any discussion at all about relationship stuff, boundaries, and so on. HE feels we should build up some good will before that, and it's clear to me that he intends for now ( I guess) to continue doing whatever he wants. Which is ok, I guess, but I can't survive in that sort of thing, so I am refusing to even try now.

He has blocked me everywhere, except ( he says) in an online game we both play.

I haven't tested "everywhere".

I removed him as a Skype contact, he refuses to talk on the phone, refuses to communicate through emails, and has blocked me on social sites.

So he tells me in the game "If you need anything, use ( game) ".

I blocked him back on all social sites. I am not writing to him anywhere. I am not trying to call him or talk, or Skype or whatever. He has blocked me over and over, using the blocking to inflict "punishment" because he is upset with me for persisting on the boundary stuff. Maybe it was mean, but I just feel so exposed while he puts the damage on me.

I have NEVER done this before. And it is very unlike me to kick him off Skype or anywhere else. I am just TIRED of looking at him sitting in my places, knowing he is enjoying blocking me while he looks at all my stuff and me. It really bothers me.

Anyway, I am not sure what to make of the in game chatting. It all seems an extension of controlling behavior. I feel angry about him putting this on me, though in the past I would have been glad he was willing to talk. It does NOT make sense to me for him to block and ignore me in all other places, then tell me to chat in the game. I feel kind of jerked around and have not responded to his mail in the game. My knee jerk reaction was to block him there, too, and ignore him for a couple of months.

Any thoughts or ideas? Would love for this to sort out, but I feel like I am being pretty disrespected. Am I being petty at this point?

[Daniell85]

Boyfriend wants to talk. Negotiate. Try to be calm with each other and talk about "nice" things. He doesn't want any discussion at all about relationship stuff, boundaries, and so on. HE feels we should build up some good will before that, and it's clear to me that he intends for now ( I guess) to continue doing whatever he wants. Which is ok, I guess, but I can't survive in that sort of thing, so I am refusing to even try now.

He has blocked me everywhere, except ( he says) in an online game we both play.

I haven't tested "everywhere".

I removed him as a Skype contact, he refuses to talk on the phone, refuses to communicate through emails, and has blocked me on social sites.

So he tells me in the game "If you need anything, use ( game) ".

I blocked him back on all social sites. I am not writing to him anywhere. I am not trying to call him or talk, or Skype or whatever. He has blocked me over and over, using the blocking to inflict "punishment" because he is upset with me for persisting on the boundary stuff. Maybe it was mean, but I just feel so exposed while he puts the damage on me.

I have NEVER done this before. And it is very unlike me to kick him off Skype or anywhere else. I am just TIRED of looking at him sitting in my places, knowing he is enjoying blocking me while he looks at all my stuff and me. It really bothers me.

Anyway, I am not sure what to make of the in game chatting. It all seems an extension of controlling behavior. I feel angry about him putting this on me, though in the past I would have been glad he was willing to talk. It does NOT make sense to me for him to block and ignore me in all other places, then tell me to chat in the game. I feel kind of jerked around and have not responded to his mail in the game. My knee jerk reaction was to block him there, too, and ignore him for a couple of months.

Any thoughts or ideas? Would love for this to sort out, but I feel like I am being pretty disrespected. Am I being petty at this point?

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[vortex of confusion]

No, I don't think you are being petty.

Before I got to the end of your post, my first thought was, "Why not block him in the game?"

It sounds like a great big game of push/pull.

I can understand him not wanting to discuss the relationship. I have reached a point with my husband where I am sick and tired of talking about the relationship. How can we have any fun or do anything worthwhile if all we talk about is where we stand or what is going on between us or blah, blah, blah? It used to feel like I was in some kind of ball of confusion because we would talk like crazy but nothing would ever really come of it.

When you say that you want to talk about boundaries? What do you mean? Are you wanting to tell him what you will or won't accept? I don't find it useful to try to have a direct conversation about boundaries. He will know what you will or won't accept based on what you do when he crosses your boundary. When you insist on talking about them directly, it creates a situation where it is too easy to say, "I won't accept <fill in the blank>" but when he does <fill in the blank> you do nothing to enforce it. I am not saying that is what you do. I am saying that is what is easy to do and is something that I have fallen prey to at times.

[Daniell85]

The boundary thing... what I am running into is this: he wants to talk and he would like to pick the relationship back up. I would, too.

I don't see any evidence of him intending to respect the boundaries he already knows I have. I don't see any sign of goodwill. Like him telling me, for example, that he stopped blocking me in the usual communication places, and he would like to just talk to me. Instead I am told I can only talk to him in an online game? I feel the implication from him that he feels himself "in charge"  and that he wants me to "earn" back things enough so he will allow interaction to take place elsewhere.

I am not really interested in reinforcing that by talking to him in the game. I have been put through this sort of thing dozens of times. This time I don't want to do it. I am not afraid anymore and I don't want to feel afraid.

I guessed I should tell him my boundaries, though maybe just not responding says enough. 

[123Phoebe]

Hi Daniell85,

I'd probably sleep on this and see how I feel about it in the morning, maybe even the next morning and the next one after that

If it feels funky to you, then... .

So glad you're not afraid anymore!

[Daniell85]

huh. Maybe I will fee better about it all in a few weeks 

[Daniell85]

Work with my therapist... she says I have a lot of resentment.

I was thinking about how to get rid of it, and maybe strangely, I don't actually want to. I think maybe I am associating it with being emotionally in a state to protect myself. I don't know.

I feel kind of guilty about that.

[123Phoebe]

One of the reasons I suggested sleeping on this before responding is so that when you do respond, what you're communicating is coming from a place of strength and not resentment.  The resentment can come screaming through without even realizing it and resentment sounds and feels like control.  When I feel out of control of something, I tend to want to control

Any ideas on how to move beyond the resentment?  If you want to, of course.

SET: support, empathy, truth ( https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0 )-- might be a good exercise, even if you don't send the message to him.  It's a way of learning what it is we want to say, without all that extra edge and pissiness

Want to give it a try?  Maybe even write it out with the edge and pissiness and then condense it into softer language

[patientandclear]

Although--Daniell was exploring the idea that maybe she doesn't want to set aside the resentment, as it stands for her willingness to protect herself. Some resentment is warranted. I think that's an important insight.

[Daniell85]

The best I can do, at my most empathetic at this point is to tell him that I am not able to thrive in the kind of environment that has been happening.

I guess that relieves him of hearing me tell him what I really think, which is HE is so emotionally abusive and such a lying cheat, I can't be around him without going into such a mixture of panic, hurt, and anger that I end up showing him some serious vitriol and disrespect.

I guess that is where the resentment is. Also, I am sad. It's hard not to take what he is doing and has done very personally. My plan was to just stay away for a while and let him feel me gone.

[123Phoebe]

My plan was to just stay away for a while and let him feel me gone.

It's probably a good idea to take a step back, Daniell; feel what it is to not have emotional abuse as part of your steady diet.  Do it for yourself, take care of yourself, protect yourself.  He might feel your absence, he might not.  It's all part of accepting what is, not how we wish things were.

Although--Daniell was exploring the idea that maybe she doesn't want to set aside the resentment, as it stands for her willingness to protect herself. Some resentment is warranted. I think that's an important insight.

Patientandclear raises a good point, protecting yourself from emotional abuse is paramount.  I happen to believe that working through the resentment IS taking care of yourself, because to hold onto negative feelings is detrimental to good health and well-being, we kinda pick up where somebody else let off; we start to abuse ourselves by hanging on to all that yuck. 

We do not hold any special powers for changing other people, to get them to come around or miss us.  The change comes from within.

[Daniell85]

I literally feel unable to tolerate being around him when he is showing poor boundaries with other women. The cheating, triangulation, the lies ... after a couple of years of it, trying to talk to him when it happens... .I can't.

His complaint with me about what makes him unhappy is that I am getting so upset.

It's just best to disengage and go do other things. I have never blocked him before, or backed away from him when he has extended his "peace" offering. He's been the one in control. He wants to be back together, but he shames me, projects blame on me, refuses to address his part in what happened and is all over me for my loss of composure because THAT is the real problem.

I honestly don't know what else to do. I know I can't be there. My thought first is to preserve some peace and stability in my own life. My second thought is given time to himself maybe he will start thinking a little deeper and come to a few conclusions, like Danielle really does mean it when she says other ladies involved, no relationship with Danielle.